Down The Stretch

j.ko:

16. Patriots over Niners
15. Ravens over Dolphins
14. Texans over Browns
13. Panthers over Saints
12. Bills over Steelers
11. Seahawks over Falcons
10. Vikings over Redskins
9. Bengals over Eagles
8. Broncos over Colts
7. Jets over Rams
6. Cardinals over Bucs
5. Lions over Titans
4. Jaguars over Raiders
3. Giants over Cowboys
2. Chargers over Chiefs
1. Bears over Packers


Honey:

16. San Diego over Kansas City
15. Indianapolis over Denver
14. Pittsburgh over Buffalo
13. New England over San Francisco
12. Jacksonville over Oakland
11. Dallas over N.Y. Giants
10. N.Y. Jets over St. Louis
9. Houston over Cleveland
8. Tennessee over Detroit
7. Atlanta over Seattle
6. Tampa Bay over Arizona
5. Washington over Minnesota
4. Carolina over New Orleans
3. Cincinnati over Philadelphia
2. Miami over Baltimore
1. Chicago over Green Bay


Al:

16. Ravens over Dolphins
15. Patriots over 49ers
14. Panthers over Saints
13. Bills over Steelers
12. Seahawks over Falcons
11. Jags over Raiders
10. Texans over Browns
9. Giants over Cowboys
8. Broncos over Colts
7. Rams over Jets
6. ‘Skins over Vikes
5. Titans over Lions
4. Bengals over Eagles
3. Bucs over Cards
2. Chargers over Chiefs
1. Bears over Packers


Stimpy the Control Monkey:

16. Philadelphia over Cincinnati
15. Houston over Cleveland
14. Greenbay over Chicago
13. Pittsburgh over Buffalo
12. Detroit over Tennessee
11. Baltimore over Miami
10. Washington over Minnesota
9. Carolina over New Orleans
8. NY Jets over Saint Louis
7. New England over San Francisco
6. Atlanta over Seattle
5. Arizona over Tampa Bay
4. Denver over Indianapolis
3. Oakland over Jacksonville
2. Kansas City over San Diego
1. Dallas over NY Giants


bondgirl:

16. Patriots over 49ers
15. Packers over Bears
14. Ravens over Dolphins
13. Colts over Broncos (The Rodeo Bowl?)
12. Texans over Browns
11. Vikings over Redskins
10. Lions over Titans
9. Chargers over Chiefs
8. Jets over Les Mouflon
7. Eagles over Bengals
6. Seahawks over Falcons
5. Cowboys over Giants
4. Jaguars over Raiders
3. Bills over Steelers
2. Panthers over Saints
1. Cardinals over Buccaneers


Beav:

This Is Crazy. This Is Crazy. This Is Crazy.

Every year, once or twice, a bunch of folks head up to Cascade Mountain for a laid-back weekend of skiing, eating, drinking, and sitting in the hot tub groaning. This is that weekend.

Considering that my primary form of exercise is sneering, I’m a surprisingly good skier. I learned when I was small, from my dad, and I’ve always loved it. I like tucking and diving and zooming. I like moguls. I like chairlift rides. I like teaching people how to ski. I like manmade obstacles. I like tunnels and jumps.

So why am I thinking of not skiing this year, but trying snowboarding instead? I can’t think of a single reason snowboarding is a good idea. (Unless one counts snowboarding girls, but they’re hard to appreciate from a hospital bed.) I can think of a number of reasons it’s a bad idea:

  • I am much too old to snowboard.
  • Especially to be just learning to snowboard.
  • I am much too sedentary to learn to snowboard.
  • It hurt just watching Josh & Christine try to learn.
  • The learning curve caused Christine to declare a state of severe booty injustice.
  • I am too young to have a titanium knee.
  • No one I know can carry me.
  • Among the items I have found listed repeatedly under the heading “Items Needed For Snowboarding” are “Identification Bracelet” and “Signaling Device”.
  • Among the recommended information for the identification bracelet: Blood type and organ donor status.
  • The reason listed for possibly needing the signaling device is an unsettling word that starts with A and ends with my remains being discovered in late spring.

    So you’d think I wouldn’t be giving snowboarding a second thought.

    Right?

  • Dying Light

    With -sob!- one week left in the 2004 Pride Pool:

    j.ko: 109 (3-6-0)
    Honey: 101 (1-8-0)
    Al: 97 (1-8-0)
    Stimpy the Control Monkey: 92 (1-8-0)
    bondgirl: 86 (3-6-0)
    Beav: Sat the week out due to paralyzing fear of inadvertently jinxing his beloved Packers. (0-9-0)

    Been a busy day at the office — please check my work….

    j.ko:
    13. Jaguars over Texans
    8. Eagles over Rams
    4. Redskins over Cowboys
    2. Vikings over Packers
    136-27=109

    Honey:
    11. Philadelphia over St. Louis
    10.NY Jets over New England
    6. Oakland over Kansas City
    5. San Diego over Indianapolis
    2. Atlanta over New Orleans
    1. Chicago over Detroit
    136-35=101

    Al:
    13. Jags over Texans
    8. Cards over Seahawks
    7. Raiders over Chiefs
    5. ‘Skins over ‘Boys
    3. Jets over Pats
    2. Vikings over Packers
    1. Ravens over Steelers
    136-39=97

    Stimpy the Control Monkey:
    16. Philadelphia over STL
    12. Oakland over Kansas City
    8. NY Giants over Cincinnati
    5. NY Jets over New England
    3. Tampa Bay over Carolina
    136-44=92

    bondgirl:
    14. Eagles over Les Mouflon
    10. Raiders over Chiefs
    9. Jaguars over Texans
    8. Falcons over Saints
    5. Redskins over Cowboys
    4. Giants over Bengals
    136-50=86

    Tomorrow: Why Do I Want To Snowboard?

    Review Class

    Barb, Honey, and Funk have all beaten me to this.

    1. What did you do in 2004 that you?d never done before?
    Probably a number of things. None stand out.

    2. Did you keep your New Year?s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
    I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions. Too depressing.

    3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
    No, but I am stoked to be an uncle in 2005.

    4. Did anyone close to you die?
    Nope.

    5. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
    A job I don’t hate and Teri Hatcher naked in a hotel room at my convenience.

    6. What countries did you visit?
    Vegas is a world tour, at this point — why waste time on a passport?

    7. What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why:
    May 22. It’s my birthday.

    8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
    Not snapping at the office and going on a killing spree, and getting 75% of the way through Operation Eighty Pounds.

    9. What was your biggest failure?
    Not snapping at the office and going on a tranquillity-inducing killing spree, and only getting 75% of the way through Operation Eighty Pounds.

    10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
    Nothing major.

    11. What was the best thing you bought?
    Plane tickets to Florida

    12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
    Mine. But I’m the only one celebrating.

    13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
    I’m gonna single out my co-workers and the panic industry.

    14. Where did most of your money go?
    I wish I knew. No, wait, check that, I’m probably better off wondering.

    15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
    Fantasy football.

    16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
    “Already Gone”

    17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
    i. happier or sadder? No change.
    ii. thinner or fatter? Thinner, but I’m at Pantscon Two after the last month.
    iii. richer or poorer? Late surge made it richer, but much of the year was indistinguishable.

    18. What do you wish you?d done more of?
    Travel. Eating. Many other things.

    19. What do you wish you?d done less of?
    Working. Smoking. (Though I’m down to 3-4 a day.) Rationalizing. Diet-cheating.

    20. How will you be spending Christmas?
    Christmas went fine.

    21. I don’t know why there was no 21.

    22. Did you fall in love in 2004?
    Hundreds and hundreds of times, albeit briefly.

    23. How many one-night stands?
    I have another item to add to #18.

    24. What was your favorite TV program?
    Of 2004? I try very hard not to miss “PTI”.

    25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn?t hate this time last year?
    Top of my head, no.

    26. What was the best book you read?
    Gregg Easterbrook, “The Progress Paradox”. Also liked Michael Crichton’s new book very, very much.

    27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
    Radio Margaritaville.

    28. What did you want and get?
    All year? That’s a lot to remember.

    30. What was your favorite film of this year?
    I don’t see many movies. I did watch “Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back” on Comedy Central and found if fabulously entertaining. If only I hadn’t hated “Clerks” as much as I did.

    31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you (optional)?
    I don’t recall — not in the way that means I had a great time — and thirty.

    32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
    An assurance of immortality.

    33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
    I had to spend a horrendous amount of money on new pants.

    34. What kept you sane?
    Frozen vodka.

    35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
    Does “fancy” mean “lust after”? I’m not really the focused type.

    36. What political issue stirred you the most?
    The insistence of virtually everyone with a horse in the Presidential race that I needed to spend all my time terrified about the future.

    37. Whom did you miss?
    I miss the Old Dog, but not as often or as sharply as I used to.

    38. Who was the best new person you met?
    Ye Gods. Which among you are new to me this year?

    39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004:
    “Enjoy yourself. It’s later than you think.”

    40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
    “Don’t know where I’m goin’
    I don’t like where I’ve been
    There may be no exit
    But hell I’m going in.”

    -Desperation Samba (Halloween in Tijuana)

    On Second Thought

    It has just occurred to me that, while one win for the Monkey was a major personal and scientific triumph, back-to-back wins might be somewhat demoralizing.

    Stimpy the Control Monkey:

    16. Philadelphia over STL
    15. Detroit over Chicago
    14. Pittsburgh over Baltimore
    13. GreenBay over Minnesota
    12. Oakland over Kansas City
    11. Denver over Tennessee
    10. New Orleans over Atlanta
    9. Houston over Jacksonville
    8. NY Giants over Cincinnati
    7. Indianapolis over San Diego
    6. Buffalo over SFO
    5. NY Jets over New England
    4. Seattle over Arizona
    3. Tampa Bay over Carolina
    2. Dallas over Washington
    1. Miami over Cleveland


    Beav:


    Al:

    16. Bills over 49ers
    15. Miami over Cleveland
    14. Broncos over Titans
    13. Jags over Texans
    12. Colts over Chargers
    11. Lions over Bears
    10. Saints over Falcons
    9. Bengals over Giants
    8. Cards over Seahawks
    7. Raiders over Chiefs
    6. Rams over Eagles
    5. ‘Skins over ‘Boys
    4. Panthers over Bucs
    3. Jets over Pats
    2. Vikings over Packers
    1. Ravens over Steelers


    j.ko:

    16. Dolphins over Browns
    15. Bills over Niners
    14. Lions over Bears
    13. Jaguars over Texans
    12. Steelers over Ravens
    11. Colts over Chargers
    10. Chiefs over Raiders
    9. Seahawks over Cardinals
    8. Eagles over Rams
    7. Bengals over Giants
    6. Patriots over Jets
    5. Saints over Falcons
    4. Redskins over Cowboys
    3. Broncos over Titans
    2. Vikings over Packers
    1. Panthers over Bucs


    bondgirl:

    16. Bills over 49ers
    15. Colts over Chargers
    14. Eagles over Les Mouflon
    13. Steelers over Ravens
    12. Lions over Bears
    11. Broncos over Titans
    10. Raiders over Chiefs
    9. Jaguars over Texans
    8. Falcons over Saints
    7. Panthers over Buccaneers
    6. Patriots over Jets
    5. Redskins over Cowboys
    4. Giants over Bengals
    3. Dolphins over Browns
    2. Seahawks over Cardinals
    1. Packers over Vikings


    Honey:

    16. Green Bay over Minnesota
    15. Pittsburgh over Baltimore
    14. Houston over Jacksonville
    13. Buffalo over 49ers
    12. Carolina over Tampa Bay
    11. Philadelphia over St. Louis
    10.NY Jets over New England
    9. Denver over Tennessee
    8. Miami over Cleveland
    7. Cincinnati over NY Giants
    6. Oakland over Kansas City
    5. San Diego over Indianapolis
    4. Dallas over Washington
    3. Seattle over Arizona
    2. Atlanta over New Orleans
    1. Chicago over Detroit


    Been off work this week burning some vacation days. More than gambling next week, I promise.

    "Boink"

    This is a glorious day. I won my office pool, I won my first-round fantasy playoff matchup with the undefeated #1 seed, and I lost the B&T Pride Pool.

    To a monkey.

    Stimpy the Control Monkey: 104
    Beav: 103
    Al: 97
    j.ko: 90
    bondgirl: 88
    Honey: 73

    Great scientific advance is always subject to peer review. Please, crunch my data yourself and send me your findings.


    (Raw data sorted by incorrectly predicted games)

    Stimpy the Control Monkey:
    11. Cincinnati over Buffalo
    10. Detroit over Minnesota
    6. St. Louis over Arizona
    3. Baltimore over Indianapolis
    2. New England over Miami

    136
    -32
    104

    (This Week’s Outcome Predicted Only By Stimpy: Saints over Bucs)


    Beav:
    16. NE over MIA
    9. GB over JAX
    4. STL over ARI
    3. DEN over KC
    1. TB over NO

    136
    -33
    103


    Al:
    13. Patriots over Dolphins
    12. Buccaneers over Saints
    9. Rams over Cardinals
    3. Panthers over Falcons
    2. Packers over Jaguars

    136
    -39
    97


    j.ko:
    15. Bucs over Saints
    13. Patriots over Dolphins
    11. Packers over Jaguars
    4. Rams over Cardinals
    2. Broncos over Chiefs
    1. Bears over Texans

    136
    -46
    90


    bondgirl:
    16. Patriots over Dolphins
    10. Packers over Jaguars
    9. Buccaneers over Saints
    7. Broncos over Chiefs
    3. Les Mouflon over Cardinals
    2. Bears over Texans
    1. Panthers over Falcons

    136
    -48
    88


    Honey:
    16. New England over Miami–16
    13. Carolina over Atlanta–13
    8. Green Bay over Jacksonville–8
    7. Tennessee over Oakland–7
    6. St. Louis over Arizona
    5. Chicago over Houston
    4. Detroit over Minnesota
    3. Denver over Kansas City
    1. Tampa Bay over New Orleans

    136
    -63
    73

    The Experiment Continues

    Huge Fantasy week for me — first round of the playoffs, plus a (separate-league) matchup with bondgirl. Have a good thought for Kerry Collins, Edge, Corey Dillon, Muhsin Muhammad, Lee Evans, Phil Dawson, Freddie Jones, and the Steelers D/ST.

    On to the Pool:

    j.ko: (2-5-0)

    16. Eagles over Cowboys
    15. Bucs over Saints
    14. Chargers over Browns
    13. Patriots over Dolphins
    12. Steelers over Giants
    11. Packers over Jaguars
    10. Colts over Ravens
    9. Redskins over 49ers
    8. Jets over Seahawks
    7. Bills over Bengals
    6. Vikings over Lions
    5. Raiders over Titans
    4. Rams over Cardinals
    3. Falcons over Panthers
    2. Broncos over Chiefs
    1. Bears over Texans


    Beav: (0-7-0)

    16. NE over MIA
    15. PHI over DAL
    14. PIT over NYG
    13. WAS over SF
    12. SD over CLE
    11. MIN over DET
    10. ATL over CAR
    9. GB over JAX
    8. BUF over CIN
    7. IND over BAL
    6. HOU over CHI
    5. JETS over SEA
    4. STL over ARI
    3. DEN over KC
    2. OAK over TEN
    1. TB over NO


    bondgirl: (3-4-0)

    16. Patriots over Dolphins
    15. Colts over Ravens
    14. Eagles over Cowboys
    13. Chargers over Bengals
    12. Steelers over Jets
    11. Redskins over 49ers
    10. Packers over Jaguars
    9. Buccaneers over Saints
    8. Raiders over Titans
    7. Broncos over Chiefs
    6. Vikings over Lions
    5. Jets over Seahawks
    4. Bills over Bengals
    3. Les Mouflon over Cardinals
    2. Bears over Texans
    1. Panthers over Falcons


    Honey: (1-6-0)

    16. New England over Miami–16
    15. Pittsburgh over N.Y. Giants–15
    14. N.Y. Jets over Seattle–14
    13. Carolina over Atlanta–13
    12. Philadelphia over Dallas–12
    11. Washington over San Francisco–11
    San Diego over Cleveland–10
    Indianapolis over Baltimore–9
    Green Bay over Jacksonville–8
    Tennessee over Oakland–7
    St. Louis over Arizona–6
    Chicago over Houston–5
    Detroit over Minnesota–4
    Denver over Kansas City–3
    Buffalo over Cincinnati–2
    Tampa Bay over New Orleans–1


    Al: (1-6-0)

    16. Steelers over Giants
    15. Chargers over Browns
    14. Eagles over Cowboys
    13. Patriots over Dolphins
    12. Buccaneers over Saints
    11. Colts over Ravens
    10. Redskins over 49ers
    9. Rams over Cardinals
    8. Vikings over Lions
    7. Bills over Bengals
    6. Jets over Seahawks
    5. Raiders over Titans
    4. Texans over Bears
    3. Panthers over Falcons
    2. Packers over Jaguars
    1. Chiefs over Broncos


    Stimpy the Control Monkey: (0-7-0)

    16. Pittsburgh over NY Giants
    15. Houston over Chicago
    14. Philadelphia over Dallas
    13. Washington over SFO
    12. Atlanta over Carolina
    11. Cincinnati over Buffalo
    10. Detroit over Minnesota
    9. San Diego over Cleveland
    8. NY Jets over Seattle
    7. New Orleans over Tampa Bay
    6. St. Louis over Arizona
    5. Jacksonville over Green bay
    4. Oakland over Tennessee
    3. Baltimore over Indianapolis
    2. New England over Miami
    1. Kansas City over Denver

    Every Which a-Way

    December Search Terms That Led Here, Sorted, With Liner Notes:


    Search Terms Entered By People Who Were Badly Disappointed When They Got Here:

    average rainfall amazon basin
    lisa marie presley
    plucked bronze turkey photo — I thought I knew most fetishes, but no.
    drew brees pecs
    how many tablespoons are in a pint — Now, how many swallows in a pint, that’s different.
    doggy style up the ass
    www.show me hooter.com — One?
    Many, many variations on Paris Hilton and Britney Spears — I’m surprised I don’t get more angry mail

    Search Terms Entered By People Who Were Not:

    whiskyfest 2004
    wannstedt rage — I never knew my condition had a name.
    the worst sentence ever — And the first through sixth runners-up. Welcome to B&T.
    deep fried bacon — Mmmmm…deep fried bacon…
    chicago liquor store bulleit bourbon — Hello, Dave.
    hate dave wannstedt
    eyeball cancer funny
    pointless rude and offensive — I may have a new motto.

    Ties:

    taking a whole bottle — It depends on which end it’s going in, I think
    fat bastard jogging — Well, yes and no.

    Search Terms Entered That Make Me Nervous:

    how to get blood off carpet — Selzer. While it’s fresh. Good luck. Stay away from me.
    susan sarandon heifer

    Search Terms Entered By A Good Speller:

    timeline of brett farve
    brett farve – arrest

    Search Terms From Mars:

    asean pookie
    drunker than hooter brown — The first time I described ‘Hooter Brown’ as a bluesman, I was joking. Now I’m not sure.
    prophet david terrell — Here’s the prophecy, 83: You’re fired.
    greek texans — And a recipe for brisket spanakopita?
    peasant fuck sporting in the barn
    gay bulldog wrestling — Hello, Dave.
    jeeves pictures of women masturbating — And a glass of port. Quickly, Jeeves, before the poppers wear off!

    Alternative Energy

    Harnessing the tremendous and largely untapped power of OCD, j.ko has caught an error in my math. Apparently, the Cards won only in the dimension I was occupying when scoring bondgirl. (Ironically, that’s also the dimension in which I am regularly scoring bondg…whoops, that’s my out-loud voice.)

    Week Seven results, corrected:

    j.ko: 121 (2-5-0)
    Beav: 120 (0-7-0)
    bondgirl: 115 (3-4-0)
    Honey: 110 (1-6-0)
    Al: 106 (1-6-0)
    Stimpy the Control Monkey: 99 (0-7-0)

    Stimpy, proud as I am to see the discovery and evolution of your competetive fire, the game ain’t played that way. You’re regularly calling similar numbers of games correctly as compared to the rest of us — an achievement in itself — but a confidence pool has Rules, and if we disregarded them, we would be flagrantly violating the principle tenents of the scientific method. (And j.ko’s head would explode from Process Deviation.)

    If it makes you feel better, Stimp, the past seven weeks have not been as unpredictable as the first seven were, and that in mind, you’re kicking ass. I am 100% certain you’d’a won one of the following: NFL Weeks 4, 5, or 7.

    Magic Circle

    bondgirl: 124
    j.ko: 121
    Beav: 120
    Honey: 110
    Al: 106
    Stimpy the Control Monkey: 104

    Let’s not lose sight of the important thing, here, which is that I did not lose to the Monkey.


    In compliance with Universal Blog Law, here’s my Mandatory Monthly Lyrics Post. (The part to which you know the tune begins immediately after “Say…”)

    She just got here yesterday…
    Things are hot here now, they say…
    There’s a big change in town.

    Gals are jealous, there’s no doubt…
    Still, the fellows rave about…
    Sweet, sweet Georgia Brown.

    And ever since she came…
    The colored folks all claim…
    Say…

    No gal made has got a shade
    on Sweet Georgia Brown.
    Two left feet, oh, so neat,
    Has Sweet Georgia Brown.
    They all sigh, and want to die,
    For Sweet Georgia Brown!
    I’ll tell you
    Just why,
    You know I
    Don’t lie,
    (Not much.)

    It’s been said
    She knocks ’em dead,
    When she lands in town!
    Since she came,
    Why it’s a shame,
    How she cools them down!
    Fellows she
    can’t get
    Are fellows she
    ain’t met!
    Georgia claimed her,
    Georgia named her,
    Sweet Georgia Brown.

    No gal made has got a shade
    on Sweet Georgia Brown.
    Two left feet, oh, so neat,
    Has Sweet Georgia Brown.
    They all sigh, and want to die,
    For Sweet Georgia Brown!
    I’ll tell you
    Just why,
    You know I
    Don’t lie,
    (Not much.)

    All those gifts some courters give,
    To Sweet Georgia Brown,
    They buy clothes at fashion shows,
    With one dollar down.
    Oh, boy! Tip your hat!
    Oh, joy! She’s the cat!
    Who’s that, Mister?
    ‘Tain’t a sister!
    Sweet Georgia Brown!

    Written by Maceo Pinkard, Ken Casey, and Ben Bernie
    This version recorded in 1925 by Ethel Waters