Reason #287 Why I Love Sports Talk Radio

Host: Before we start talking sports today, I want to take a moment to talk about Hurricane Katrina. I’ve spent some time in the Big Easy over the years, and I have a special affection for that city. What is going on down there right now is unimaginably horrible, and the people of the Gulf Coast are in the prayers of all of us here on the show. I’m just a guy who yaps on the radio about games, and so I can’t really say the kinds of things that need to be said in a situation like this, but….I wish all of you well, and I encourage everyone listening to write a big check to the Red Cross right now, because those poor people are going to need all the help they can get. What? Hang on, folks, they’re talking in my ear. I’m told we have a caller on the line from New Orleans. Frank, are you there?

Frank: Hey, Coach, I’m just sitting out here on the roof of my house with my family, watching the water rise toward us, and we were talking…do you think the NFL will use this as an excuse to move the Saints to Los Angeles?

End Of An Era

What I Said:

Al
XXX XXXXX XXXXX XXXX
XXX XXXXX XX
XXXXX

August 18, 2005

XXXXXX XXXXX
XXX XXXXX
XXX XXXXX XXXXX XXXXXX
XXXXXXXX XX XXXXX

XXXXXX:

As discussed, this is your formal notification that, due to a business opportunity presenting itself to my bride, I am resigning my position as XXX XXXXXXXXX, effective COB Thursday, September 8, 2005.

Sincerely,

Al

* * * * *

What I Didn’t Say:

Al
XXX XXXXX XXXXX XXXX
XXX XXXXX XX
XXXXX

August 18, 2005

XXXXXX XXXXX
XXX XXXXX
XXX XXXXX XXXXX XXXXXX
XXXXXXXX XX XXXXX

XXXXXX:

WHEREAS I have been, over the last two years, systematically stripped of every part of my job I liked, and;

WHEREAS I have been turned into an interpreter and enforcer in charge of ensuring that people complied with decisions made by lawyers on which I was never consulted, and;

WHEREAS I have come to think of defending decisions I didn’t agree with as par for the course, and;

WHEREAS I have to explain, when angrily asked why we aren’t doing something, that we’re not doing it because funding to do so was rejected when I asked for it two years previously, at least once a month, and;

WHEREAS I have developed my general irreverence into a Columbine-grade problem with authority, and;

WHEREAS I have watched the industry branch I liked best hijacked and destroyed by political activists, and;

WHEREAS I have witnessed three of the most talented people I know in this industry sit on the sidelines for years because they didn’t bow and scrape sufficiently, and;

WHEREAS I have been in the same chair in the same cube for longer than I was in high school, with less advancement, and;

WHEREAS I have maybe five hours of work to do in a good week, and;

WHEREAS I have seen direct result of union action be of benefit to the union but not the unionized, and;

WHEREAS I have been so bored for the last two years that I’ve actually come to think of Popcap and websurfing as legitimate forms of entertainment, and;

WHEREAS I have served under a supervisor so unqualified to supervise me as to defy analogy, and;

WHEREAS I have been paid so handsomely for doing virtually nothing that I ought to be charged with felony theft, and;

WHEREAS I have smiled and nodded and plotted my escape with the kind of elaborate precision not seen outside the movies, and;

WHEREAS I have at last seen my plan come to fruition;

I hereby declare September 8th, 2005, “I Quit” Day.

And it’s long past time.

Lyrics Is Hard

Five Questions from Kyle:

1. In 1976’s Freaky Friday, Jodie Foster and Barbara Harris switch bodies. In 1987’s Like Father, Like Son, Kirk Cameron and Dudley Moore switch bodies. In 1988’s Vice Versa, it was Fred Savage and Judge Reinhold. You are lucky in that you get to choose which of your parents’ bodies you get to inhabit. You are less lucky in that you get to explain why.

I would exchange bodies with my father, because I would merely be speeding a process that is well underway already.

Plus I could get him a tattoo before I gave it back.

2. Assuming I someday get around to illustrating your updated Goofus and Gallant comics, what is our next collaboration?

You have the honor. Draw me something with empty word balloons. (And don’t sweat G&G — I suspect there would be legal issues with selling them to Maxim.)

3. Tits or Ass? One verse for each, and then a final third verse that answers the question. Separate verses with a chorus.

Hooters are fine in their way,
They brighten the dullest day,
Specially when they come out to play,
They surely are…Top Ten.

Chorus:
Give me a girl with a filthy tongue,
A dirty mind,
And a shameless soul.
Not young,
Nor just boobs and behind,
It’s all in how she roll.

A can is mostly fun to see,
When thong peeks o’er jeans of she,
Badonkadonk does it not for me,
Guess I’m unlike most men.

Give me a girl with a filthy tongue,
A dirty mind,
And a shameless soul.
Not young,
Nor just boobs and behind,
It’s all in how she roll.

Raindrops on roses and fur on a kitty,
Please, stay away, if you’ll be Mrs. Mitty,
Ruthless and grabby and horny and witty,
Great scott, my God, Amen.

Give me a girl with a filthy tongue,
A dirty mind,
And a shameless soul.
Not young,
Nor just boobs and behind,
It’s all in how she roll.

4. I “stop by” the Keys to “say hello.” Of what materials will you have fashioned my vessel to Cuba?

After a couple weeks, I suspect we’ll be able to float there on two cases of empty rum bottles.

5. Aliens land on Earth and decide to take Vegas with them when they leave. They are going to let you, Al, keep one hotel/casino for yourself, on the condition that everybody but your friends gets to go there and eat for free. Which hotel/casino do you choose, and how much do you charge your friends for the buffet?

I keep Wynn, because it looks like a supervillain’s headquarters. I could handle livin’ la vida Luthor. And the emotional, physical, and psychological costs of being my friend are adequate to cover all tabs but God’s.

Oh, by the way:

Luna or Honey? Answers:
1) Avoids mistletoe. (Luna)
2) Has eyes that give her a look of permanent surprise. (Both)
3) Loses things in her own bag on a regular basis. (Honey)
4) “I think I’ll just go down and have some pudding and wait.” (Luna)
5) Toyed with dyeing her eyebrows. (Luna. Honey did it.)
6) Often seems to be dreamily disconnected from things happening around her. (Both)
7) Has a necklace representing foaming beverage consumption. (Luna. Honey has earrings.)
8) Wore a leopard-print robe with feather trim to a party. (Honey)
9) Had been known to pay extraordinary attention to flexible drinking straws. (Honey)
10) Tends to be far more comforting and useful than one expects. (Both)

* * * *

Game over. I’ll rejoin Mlle. Cara’s new one next week. I have been lax in my news. Tomorrow: My two letters of resignation.

Countdown

I got my Five Questions back from Kyle. Would it be terribly wrong of me to post once or twice a week for six months about how I mean to answer them, really I do, but things keep coming up?

* * * *

I sent an Instant Message from my phone this morning, while I was riding the train. My joy at this made me think of Tony Kornheiser, who of technological adaptation said approximately, “If I’d been around when the wheel was invented, I would’ve been the last slob dragging a reindeer carcass around with a rope.”

* * * *


(Thanks, de Luca.)

Ad Infinitum

Five Questions from Honey:

1. Joey Harrington fully healthy, or Rex Grossman in a wheelchair. Death is not an option.
Grossman in a wheelchair. He’d still make better decisions, and he’s safer immobile anyway.

2. Mariel Hemingway. Still hot? Demonstrate your position with a haiku.
Babe from ‘Manhattan’
No longer MVP, but
Still getting it done

3. Provide the rules for the following games:
–Spot the Hooker
Players must divide random subjects into ‘Amateur’ and ‘Professional’ categories. An arbiter must be chosen before the game starts. In the event of serious dispute, the burden of proof — and there’s only one way to be sure — is on the player who made the initial call.

–Mom or Sister?
‘Mom or Sister?’ is a straight variation on ‘Spot the Hooker’.

–Find the White Guy
This is a convergently-evolved game – analagous to the relationship between baseball and cricket – played in Pennsylvania. As I understand it, ‘Find the White Guy’ was developed to help take the edge off one’s nerves when one has gotten off the Pennsylvania Turnpike at a terribly wrong exit.

The common thread is that no amount of proclaimed disgust or disinterest will keep everyone who was in earshot of the announced kickoff of one of these three games from playing, even if they keep their participation to themselves.

4. Batman is the coolest member of the Justice League. Assess the validity of this statement.
The only one who competes is Hawkgirl, because I have an enormous weakness for badass girls. She’s so cool that I have seriously considered putting ‘Shayera’ on the Prospective Names For Daughters list. Presently, Batman edges her, but it might just be on nostalgia at this point.

5. Provide a non-shoe related incident that proves, once and for all, that I am Luna Lovegood.
Luna or Honey?
1) Avoids mistletoe.
2) Has eyes that give her a look of permanent surprise.
3) Loses things in her own bag on a regular basis.
4) “I think I’ll just go down and have some pudding and wait.”
5) Toyed with dyeing her eyebrows.
6) Often seems to be dreamily disconnected from things happening around her.
7) Has a necklace representing foaming beverage consumption.
8) Wore a leopard-print robe with feather trim to a party.
9) Had been known to pay extraordinary attention to flexible drinking straws.
10) Tends to be far more comforting and useful than one expects.

No More Training Do You Require

My second-favorite moment in all of the Star Wars saga goes something like this:

Luke’s lightsaber takes Vader’s right hand off at the wrist, causing sparks to fly from the mechanical stump. He moves to Vader and holds the blade of his sword to the Dark Lord’s throat.

EMPEROR:
Your hate has made you powerful. Now, fulfill your destiny and take your father’s place at my side!

Luke looks at his father’s mechanical hand, then to his own, and realizes how much he is becoming like his father. He deactivates his lightsaber and turns, almost smiling, to face the Emperor.

LUKE:
Never! I’ll never turn to the dark side. You’ve failed, Your Highness. I am a Jedi, like my father before me.

* * * *

It is absolutely without question the top Chill Scene, as the Sports Guy would call it, of my moviegoing life. It’s been on my mind a lot recently, playing over and over. It’s weird, like having a song stuck in your head. It’s just there. Can’t figure out why.

On an unrelated note, I gave notice today.

Ten More

Five Questions from j.ko:

1) Of the multitude to choose from, what is your favorite single WhiskeyFest memory?
The Bourbon vs. Scotch Debate: Richard Paterson (of the Dalmore) vs Frederick Booker Noe III.

2) List the non-alcoholic beverages and/or mixers essential to stocking your ideal personal well-stocked bar:
Assuming the bar is for my personal consumption, rather than my stocking of a party bar: Lemons, limes, diet cola, filtered water, a coffeemaker and associated paraphernalia, pineapple juice, 1/2 & 1/2, and ice.

3) List five restaurants (and their locations) you are eager to patronize for the first time:
U.S. only, and in no particular order:

* Patsy’s, New York City, NY
* Babbo, New York City, NY
* Buffet, Wynn, Las Vegas, NV
* The French Laundry, Yountville, CA
* Mosca’s, Avondale, LA

(Just removed from the list in the last couple weeks: Frank Pepe’s Pizzeria, New Haven, CT; and Roseland Apizza, Derby, CT.)

4) En route to somewhere else, you have a 12-hour layover in Las Vegas with a friend of yours who has never visited Sin City. Your companion looks at you and says, “So, what do we do?” What is the itinerary?
4pm: Arrive at Mandalay Bay. Begin walking up the Strip. Stops: Inside of the Luxor. New York New York casino floor. MGM Grand restaurant row.

445pm: Arrive at Bellagio buffet. Eat.

630pm: Waddle out to see dancing fountains.

7pm: Caesar’s. Nap by pool. Meander Forum shops. Marvel. Invest a little.

9pm: Resume walk. Visit Paris. Have a pastry at Le Notre. Move on to Venetian, the Mirage, Treasure Island, and Wynn. Explore. Invest. Cadge drinks.

1130pm: Arrive Stratosphere. Ride up to the restaurant at the top, and have coffee and dessert. Admire view.

1230am: Ride to Downtown Las Vegas. Wander seediness. Have $.99 shrimp cocktails at the Golden Gate. Invest. Cadge more drinks. See the Golden Nugget’s Golden Nugget. Peoplewatch. Misbehave.

2am: Cab it to Olympic Garden. Admire view. Revel in seediness. Say hi to Cristal, Secret, and Raquel for me.

340am: Reluctantly board taxi bound for McCarran. Tip lavishly when passenger vomits.

5) In your packing and moving adventure, what three items were surprisingly difficult to decide whether or not they should accompany you on the journey to the Keys?

(Background: Move Phase One, 9/15-1/7/06. Rent a furnished apartment and look for something to buy. Move Phase Two, 1/8/05 and points beyond. Two owned living spaces; one here, one there.)

1) The birds. I feel like we’re abandoning them by leaving them behind for the first leg, but at their age, it also seems unfair to them to try to make them make the trip. It’s a dilemma. I still haven’t reached 100% certainty on what to do with with them. (Unlike the Pitmaster, which I don’t think would survive being moved across the yard.)

2) The bed. I am fond of the Big Bed, but it can’t be compacted much. Jury’s still out, but leaning negative.

3) Kitchen equipment beyond a couple of good pots and pans and my knives. I want to have the mixer and the ice cream maker and the baking stone and the chili pot and pretty much all the rest of it, but I can’t, until I have some idea what size kitchen I’ll be dealing with.

* * * *

Five Questions from eden:

1. so, i was a total prude in high school and never had detention or anything. i did, however, engage in “senior ditch day,” but this was specially-designated. it was practically a school holiday…nothing subversive about it. i hear you’ve recently engineered an adult ditch day. explain to me the activities for the imminent octogenarian ditch day.
4am: Arise. Wander aimlessly about the house, awaiting the paper.

540am: Make decaf.

630am: Eat breakfast.

7: Critique morning television. Map out letter of outrage in head re: Katie Couric’s ‘sauciness’.

9am: Walk to store to buy one apple, a pint of milk, and baking soda. Fill prescriptions.

11am: Call radio talk show. Criticize things.

Noon: Nap

2pm: Senior discount matinee of movie overloaded with gratuitous and unnecessary profanity and featuring incomprehensible fashion.

5pm: Early Bird Special at Old Country Buffet.

6pm: Two-for-one senior discount special arrives from Debbie’s Dungeon. Be bound/gagged/flogged/clamped/etc. firmly but affectionately by six-foot dominatrix dressed as Ginger Rogers. Feel like a real person for a couple hours.

8pm: Tea before bed.

830pm: Bed.

2. have you ever really seen bloody thunder? if so, what is it like? if not, make it up.
Bloody Thunder rocks! I saw them at Lollapalooza maybe eleven years ago. (It might have been twelve. We were pretty high.) They went on right before the Chili Peppers and right after I saw three people go into a portapotti to fuck. I got so sunburnt that day. I still have the scar from the pit, too. That was back when I was cool.

3. in the vein of pentecostal tongues-speaking crazies, give me a call & response about the sacrifices you were forced to endure when finally purchasing a cell phone.
When first I was told I needed a phone, I heard a disturbing sound!

I said when first I was told I needed a phone, I heard a disturbing sound!

It was a terrible sound!

A terrible disturbing sound!

It was the sound of that phone ringing!

It was the disturbing sound of that phone ringing, in the deep of night!

It was the disturbing sound of that phone ringing in the deep of night, and my own dear mama saying “Are you going to the store?”

It was the disturbing sound of that phone ringing in the deep of night, and my own dear mama saying “Are you going to the store? If you are, could you stop by Costco and buy me ten gallons of crushed pineapple and an outboard motor?”

I wept, children, I wept, when I heard that sound!

I looked to the Lord for help!

I said I LOOKED TO THE LORD FOR HELP!

And the Lord gave me the help I needed!

The Lord looked at me, and I looked at the Lord, and the Lord said, ‘Jesus. Even I have a fucking cellphone.’

Brothers and sisters, the Lord has a cellphone!

The! Lord! Has! A! Cellular! Telephone!

And the Lord might just call you up!

And if the Lord calls you, you just better make sure your phone is on!

Because the Lord don’t leave no voicemail!

I said the LORD don’t leave no VOICE MAIL!

I said THE LORD DON’T LEAVE NO VOICE MAIL!

So you better be there to answer, children.

You better answer.

4. how will i recognize you?
You’ll just know. I don’t know how, either, but you will.

5. okay, so let’s say you’re a restless native, dancing in a grass skirt and cowrie shells around your primitive savage village and two unsuspecting tourists walk up with their giant cameras and jaunty safari gear. what do you do?
Choreograph an elaborate, excuse-filled piece of stagework wherein, while closely examining the travelers, we drag out a huge iron pot, build a fire under it, and fill it with water, aromatics and vegetables, all the while assuring the tourists that our ceremonial crock-pot is intended to serve some thinly veiled other purpose, and arrange for high-stakes wagering on the exact second they flee.

* * * *

Refrain: This is how it works.
If you want me to ask you five questions, leave a message in the comments.
I will post your five questions in a later post.
You will post the answers on your own weblog.

Time's Up!

Lyrics from last week identified here.

* * * *

Five Questions for Honey:

1) Stefani, McCarthy, Aguilera, Stratus, Madonna. Explain what makes each one a role model, and provide an image URL for each.
2) Menu: “Five things I just found out I could eat that I’m all excited to try”.
3) Provide three pieces of evidence either for or against the theory that you are the Luna Lovegood of this crowd.
4) Write the lyrics for legendary rapper Money Honey’s latest hit.
5) What do you want?

* * * *

Five Questions for Kyle:

1) Rewrite a well-known parody song to turn it back into a non-comedy tune. Reversion to original lyrics is strictly prohibited.
2) Name three movies from the top twenty-five of AFI’s Top 100 list that could be vastly improved if remade, and explain what would need to be done. Restoring original firing orders or police-officer props doesn’t count.
3) Give us the final line from the hopefully-long-distant finale of Brainwrap Comics.
4) Let us stipulate that you are inadvertently reliving your twenties. You have successfully checked “Move away from Chicago in search of snuggling” off the list. What’s the next major plot point?
5) Relate an anecdote of something that happened to someone else as though it happened to you.

* * * *

Refrain: This is how it works.
If you want me to ask you five questions, leave a message in the comments.
I will post your five questions in a later post.
You will post the answers on your own weblog.

B&T Request Line

Confidential to bondgirl:

From yesterday:

4) I have just unintentionally conjured up the BEST mental image of you, but I can’t think of a question to go with it. Tell the truth: Are you relieved you don’t know what it is, or are you dying with curiosity to know what I came up with that resulted in this setup?

Yes to both. Just tell me and I can regret it later.

“On a given weeknight at Casa Cara, when you’re slouched on the couch in your underpants, idly staring at the tube, slurping a saucy little Chilean red without a glass, and eating San Marzano tomatoes straight from the can with your fingers, what’s the one thing guaranteed to make you stop channel-surfing?”

(I thought of a question!)

* * * *

Five Questions for eden:

1) Why DC Can Cram It: A Limerick. No citing of politics, weather, or tourism, please.
2) Give me a phrase, in Swahili, that that I’ll find useful within the next seven days.
3) Produce the first three paragraphs of a time-travel romance novel. All travel must be forward in time and may not exceed 96 hours.
4) Explain yourself, young lady. What the devil were you thinking? Seriously, now. I mean, I’m not that mad, but Christ, was it really necessary?
5) Using the standard Six Degree methodology, connect yourself to me in three different ways – none involving Kyle.

* * * *

Five Questions for j.ko:

1) Reorder the following list in such a way that you don’t feel it requires any more reshuffling to be displayed satisfactorily: b, Ziggy, pelargonium, 2, $, iota, emondolorphus, (x+y=4x), c-, “Rubber Soul”. Describe and justify your organizational criteria.
2) What standard/measure have you set for yourself beyond/above which you will be willing to say “Yeah, I’m a decent golfer.”
3) You have one hundred and fifty seconds to write, stream-of-consciousness style, on the topic of wedding planning. No revising/editing/proofing after the fact. Time yourself. No advance planning. Begin immediately.
4) Lay on us a recipe you yourself developed.
5) From the lyric fragment “I saw a Black Panther playing Galaga at 7am, and his hair was perfect,” write two more stanzas and a chorus.

* * * *

Refrain: This is how it works.
If you want me to ask you five questions, leave a message in the comments.
I will post your five questions in a later post.
You will post the answers on your own weblog.