Google Bombs

Search Terms That Brought Some Very Disappointed People To B&T In The Last Ninety Days:

underaged hooker blogs
“This is how it works: I leave a note in your comments asking to be interviewed. You ask me five questions and leave the money on the nightstand…”

hydrogeologist cartoons
“Well, you see, the stream table is filled with concrete-grade sand, not construction-grade sand! Hahahaha! What?

topless steakhouse
Some people expect 72 virgins, some expect a halo and a harp…

hot women fucking horse photos
WHAT? Grotesque. You disgust me.

Oh, wait, hot women. Yeah, that’s fine. Never mind. As long as the paddock rats are hot, ‘s cool.

reggie jay-z 2pac and biggie who is reggie?
Okay, this is a public service, so you can end your search: “Reggie” (“I got a list, here’s the order of my list that it’s in”) is Reggie Noble, who goes by “Redman”, professionally.

is jagermeister made from dear blood
Okay, this is a public service, so you can end your search: Yes.

does eli manning have a girlfriend
I keep telling you, bondgirl, stop mooning about this charming little crush and DO SOMETHING.

brett farve gay packer
I keep telling you, Big, stop mooning about this charming little crush and DO SOMETHING.

hello kitty skillet
I thought about writing something about Japanese collectors, and then I thought about writing about how creepy some of them are, and then I thought about bondgirl, briefly, and then I thought I’d just say:

WHANG!

“Hello, kitty.”

christmas slavegirl
Dear Santa:

I have been a very, very good boy this year.

I picked up my room and I crammed it into a storage locker and I moved to Florida and I flossed every day.

You know what I want, Big Red.

Al

aaron rodgers blog
LiveJournal.com
12/26/05
mood: depressed

Bored. Bored. Bored. Boredboredboredbored.

Boredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredbored
boredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredbored
boredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredbored
boredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredbored
boredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredbored.

Why can’t the old fuck die soon?

music: Bang On The Drum, Todd Rundgren

short bachelorette oath
“I, (state your name), do solemnly swear that nothing happened. And what happened after nothing happened really didn’t happen.”

topless dj
That I can help you with.

al pacino contributions to society
Off the top of my head, the most important is “Just when I thought that I was out, they pull me back in.”

There are others.

other funny disturbing gross videos like the milkshake
Other…funny…disturbing…milkshake? What…um…I mean…ah, imagination.

joey harrington song parody
I already parodied Joey. But I think your idea might merit Dr. Badass starting his own blog.

assdex
May 4-8. Las Vegas, Nevada. Missing it would be Wrong.

how much is my buick lesabre worth?
It’s priceless. And if it’s an ’82, I’m interested. Do you accept blood? What about a firstborn child? (I’ll need a nine-month payment plan.)

there must be a way to know how girls like to be fucked
You think that now. You’ll get older. And you’ll learn.

rex grossman jewish
This reminds me: My friend Stacey has a lovely little dog that she assures me is Jewish. Should I ever have a Jewish dog, I could not possibly name him anything but “Rex Grossman”.

you’re an asshole website
Yes. Welcome to Blood & Thunder.

your hate has made you powerful
Hasn’t it though?

1.21 Gigawatts

We had dinner with Pookie and Vacation Wife and 2.0 last night, where I observed this exchange:

Luna: How was (Fluttering Things)’s New Year’s Eve party? I’m disappointed I missed it for skiing!

Pookie: (uneasily) It, um, hasn’t happened yet. It’s this weekend.

Luna: Really? I bet it will be nice! Oh! But I’m going skiing, so I can’t go.

Merry Christmas. Or Whatever.

AL’S FAMILY’S TRADITIONAL HOLIDAY-MANDATORY CARAMEL PECAN ROLLS

ROLLS:

1 package Pillsbury Hot Roll Mix
1 cup hot water
2 tablespoons butter, softened
1 egg

FILLING:

Little cubes of butter
Brown sugar
Cinnamon

GLAZE:

Five parts brown sugar to
Two parts chopped pecans & pecan halves to
Two parts softened butter to
One part dark Karo syrup
(Best guess — I just eyeball it.)

With butter, grease the crap out of a non-stick Bundt cake pan. Mix glaze ingredients. Spread evenly in bottom of greased pan.

Combine Hot Roll Mix with yeast from included foil packet. Stir in hot water, butter and egg; mix until dough pulls away from sides of bowl. Turn dough out onto lightly floured surface. With greased hands, shape dough into a ball. Knead dough 5 minutes until smooth. Cover with large bowl; let rise 30-45 minutes.

On lightly floured surface, roll dough into a dishtowel-size rectangle. Dot lavishly with small butter cubes. Sprinkle, again lavishly, with brown sugar, and slightly less lavishly with cinnamon. Roll dough up from the long side. (You want a longer, thinner cylinder, rather than a shorter, thicker one. Yes, I know.) Seal edge.

Cut into even slices, each about 1-1.5″ thick. Stand slices in greased pan, cut edges facing one another. Cover loosely with plastic wrap and cloth towel.
Let rise 25 to 30 minutes in a warm place.

Heat oven to 375° F. Bake 20 to 30 minutes or until deep golden brown. Remove from oven, let stand upright in pan five minutes, invert onto serving plate.

Advisories:

1) Does not reheat well.

2) In the first ten minutes out of the oven, glaze-skin contact will result in a trip to the emergency room and a bad scar.

3) Cooled glaze is IMPOSSIBLE to get out of a non-non-stick Bundt cake pan without industrial power tools.

Because I Can.

What I Could Do.

Go to Jewel and buy:

A roughly football-shaped piece of beef
Some cheddar
Frozen vegetables
A bag of potatoes
Fixins for the Family Traditional caramel-pecan rolls*
A bag of salad
A pie. Or something.
Any staples around the house that need replenishing.

(* Tomorrow. My present to you.)

And then:

Put out cheese and triscuits, roast the meat, turn the food that’s already here — eggs, flour, margarine, salt, ice cream with heavy protective ice — into Christmas dinner. Several trips back to Jewel later, we’d sit down to meat, Yorkshire pudding, mashed or fried or baked potatoes, Family Traditional caramel-pecan rolls, vegetables, and dessert. General contentment. Except from me. For alone among my family, I can taste food made without paying attention. And I really, really love making everything as elaborate and complicated as possible. And I especially love a good, long, cross-referenced, well-organized list.

Thus, I offer you a holiday peek inside the workings of a mind spawned by an absentminded yet microdetail-oriented Harvard graduate and a Cornell MBA incapable of focusing on anything at all for any length of time greater than a Law & Order. Both of whom I love very much, you understand, but neither of whom I need inside my head contributing organizational suggestions. So, this is the actual document folded in my pocket, (with liner notes exclusive to B&T).

What I Will Do.

Menu:

Cheese & pâté plate
Cocktails
Standing rib roast, boned & tied
Yorkshire pudding made with dripping
Potatoes (Gratin or Lyonnaise, depending on turnout)
Asparagus or peas (Depending on what I can find in the way of asparagus.)
Family Traditional caramel-pecan rolls
Glazed carrots
Wine (Provided by guests known to be trustworthy of the role.)
Honey’s flourless Valrhona chocolate cake
Fresh-ground coffee
Grand Marnier
Sherry

Cub Foods:
Eggs
Flour
Butter
Whole nutmeg
Peas (If I get good asparagus, these can go into the bambina bellissima.)
Pillsbury Hot Roll Mix
Pecan halves
Chopped pecans
Brown sugar
Karo syrup
Baby carrots
Raspberries
Whipping cream

Costco:
Standing rib roast (6# min.)
Champagne

Fox & Obel:
Cheese, creamy-strong (Older younger brother.)
Cheese, crumbly-strong (Honey)
Pâté (Honey likes foie gras, and so does the rest of the family if I call it “liver sausage”)
Pretzel bread (Best roast-beef-sandwich bread ever anywhere.)
Asparagus (Second try)
Fishcounter’s recommendation (For the non-beef-eating guest, who is a pesco-vegetarian for acceptable reasons.)
10.5 oz 70% cocoa Valhrona
Coffee beans (Whatever light roast strikes me)
Brioche (For the pate. I’ll get something else for the cheese. Probably a baguette.)

(God, I love Fox & Obel.)

Caputo’s:
Yukon Gold (Lyonnaise) or Russet (Gratin) potatoes
Yellow onions
Elephant Garlic
Regular garlic
Asparagus (First try)

Related errands:
Get knives sharpened (Because they NEED it, Ma. I don’t care what the brochure said.)
Age roast (Closed fridge, two days. Shoulda been three. Actually, should be six weeks, but I have to draw the line somewhere.)
Sur La Table, gold dust

Ingredient Breakdown:
Cheese/Pâté: Crumbly-strong, creamy-strong, fg pâté, garnish (fruit?), toasts/bread/brioche
Cocktails: Champagne, improvise
Roast: Meat, oil, salt, pepper, elephant garlic, onions
Yorkshire pudding: Eggs, flour, salt, baking powder
Potatoes, Gratin or Lyonnaise: Potatoes, onions, garlic, butter, nutmeg, cream, salt, pepper
Asparagus or peas
Rolls: Hot Roll Mix, pecans, brown sugar, Karo, eggs, butter
Glazed carrots: Baby carrots, molasses, rum, brown sugar, butter, cornstarch
(Fish item): Capers/lemon/olive oil or limes/ginger/garlic
Dessert: 10.5 oz 70% V dark chocolate, eggs, sugar, butter, gold dust, whipping cream, coffee

How I Got This Way

I was 23 before I realized it was not normal to miss one flight out of three.

Achtung Baby

The traditional Christkindlmarket/Christmas Windows/Pizza Outing was yesterday. Turnout was as good as I ever remember it being, which made me very happy. We started at what is soon to be the Late Lamented Trader Vic’s, where our distress at the imminent disappearance of a true tiki bar was offset by the truly ridiculous level at which the staff is phoning it in. The thirteen of us had a few warmup cocktails, and then set off for the Market in Daley Plaza. The market was smaller this year, but the German food was plentiful, and the bong-makers were displaying their wares, and the Jewish and Roman calendars were sufficiently out of phase that the German market was not sharing Daley Plaza with the city’s official menorah, which has provided some moments of uneasy comedy in past years. We had some schnitzel, and some Glogg, and some potato pancakes, and admired the knickknackage, and wandered off to Marshall Field’s to warm ourselves and have a look at the windows. We did not get to play “Stump the Band” with German folksingers this year.

We entered Marshall Field’s and divided into two groups: Those filled with a deep need to covet and insult unimaginably expensive purses, and those filled with a kraut-related need to find the potty. When the two groups were again one, we exchanged the warmth of the building for cold appraisal of this year’s windows. Themed “Cinderella”, the 2005 windows were once again a delightful celebration of the harmony a gifted designer can orchestrate between beloved children’s tales and David Bowie’s gayer concert tours. A good time was had by all, except for the people trying to enjoy the windows in a non-derisive fashion. (No children’s visions of sugarplums were harmed. We were careful. This year.) By the time we finished out window treatments, it had been nearly forty-five minutes since we’d eaten, so we walked to the Exchequer for garlic pizza and conviviality.

Anatomical Reconfigurations, Brass Monkey Division

My Life Expressed In Memorable Occasions Of Cold:

10) Buffett concert, 2000. Forty degrees, lawn seats at Tinley. I was wearing an aloha shirt, shorts, and flip-flops. Jimmy was wearing jeans and a sweatshirt. Lyrics of “Margaritavilla” adjusted to “All of these Parrotheads covered in sweaters”.

9) I recall a sledding trip some years ago during which a double shovelful of snow was crammed up the back of my poorly-layered garments during one of our more aerobatic crashes. First snowy, then wet, then frozen. Unpleasant.

8) 1993-ish: Clark’s Diner in Lincoln Park used to make something called the Bob’s Nightmare. A giant sundae, single-sitting consumption of which rendered it on the house. Stuffing oneself with a gallon of ice cream, it seems, leads to a sharp drop in core temperature.

7) Winter Camp, early ’90’s. Polar Bear Club swimming in frozen lake accomplished with aid of a pickaxe and naked girl co-swimmers.

6) 1/12/85. Feet frozen solid. Hands numbed for two hours. Violent shivering. Did not care. Final score: Bears 24, Los Angeles Rams 0.

5) Summers, 1980s. At dead low tide, there is bonanza sand-dollar harvesting at Goose Rocks Beach in Maine. At the age of ten or so, this is worth the suffering induced by north Atlantic deep-water temperatures. At the age of thirty, I can’t believe I did this.

4) Summers, 1982-1992. Bucket showers at summer camp in East Troy, Wisconsin. As though campers need to be given reasons to avoid bathing.

3) 12/18/05. Bears 16, Falcons 3. Rex Grossman returns. Bears shut down “Mr. Overrated” Michael Vick. Feet reach full thaw Monday evening. High point of game: 70,000 people doing “The Wave”, but sonically, with groans, when the wind increased from six miles per hour to eleven.

2) Thursday, August 19th, 2005. Whitewater rafting wildlife tour, Jackson Hole, Wyoming. Four hours. On a tiny boat. In the rain. No significant wildlife spotted.

1) Researchers believe the Worst Bears Game Ever was 11/19/95, a Wannstedt-era loss to the Detroit Lions. Gametime conditions: Thirty-four degrees and f—— pouring.

Motivation

Because I’m an unmotivated lazy bastard who hasn’t written regularly in way too long, let me call myself out publically. This week:

Tuesday: The Coldest I’ve Ever Been: A Top Ten List

Wednesday: Recapping Holiday Happy Hour 2005

Thursday: Holiday Menu Planning: A Primer On Unnecessary Complexity

Friday: A Little Shoppety Shoppety

Next Week: Search Terms, the horrifying depressingness of a Year in Review, and, to give bondgirl the chance to even the score, a new recurring B&T feature, Down For Whatever.

Six And Three Is Nine

December 14th: Arise. Eat remaining contents of refrigerator. Load truck. Drive to Islamorada. Kill time while Luna has appointments. Resume driving to Plantation vicinity.

December 15th: Arise. Take Luna to SEC-mandated continuing education seminar. Kill time, possibly at Hard Rock Hotel and Casino. Board 345pm flight to Chicago Midway. Remember that a person was tragically killed in an SWA landing at Midway last week, but that person was not on the plane. Remember that south Florida air marshals have recently proven themselves people not to be trifled with. Land. Disembark. Make testacle-related brass monkey joke. Inhale glorious subzero air. Say, “Finally, the Rock has come back..home.”

December 16th: Pay a visit to my old office. Try not to gloat about the pool. Listen to tale of woe and imminent unemployment. Say things like “Behold, I bring tidings of great joy, for the Kingdom of Al is within each one of you. Heed my words!”

December 17th: Decorate something. Anything.

December 18th: Atlanta Falcons @ Chicago Bears, ESPN Sunday Night Football. I am ticketed. Let’s see just how much my blood has thinned, shall we?

December 19th: Rain/snow date for dropping in on work. Shopping. Work on next piece for new venture. Call new co-workers and complan about excessive secrecy.

December 20th: Take a premeeting at Trader Vic’s, then attend the annual Christkindlmarkt Holiday Happy Hour at 6pm in Daley Plaza. Could not be more excited without going to Vegas.

December 21st: Mom resurrecting ancient family tradition of Walnut Room holiday lunch in honor of new granddaughter. Menu planning for Christmas.

December 22nd: Tedious doctor’s appointment offset by lunch and ingredient-shopping at Fox & Obel, which I miss very much. Final lights and shopping. Possible annual Woodfield or Gurnee Mills havoc-viewing.

December 23rd: Makeup Date.

December 24th: 28th Annual Christmas with Dad.

December 25th: 32nd Annual Christmas with Mom. Bears @ Green Bay kicks off at 4pm. No realistic idea how to schedule dinner.

December 26th: Leftover disposal and Family Time.

December 27th: Begin contemplating giving snowboarding another go.

December 28th: Stop, reluctantly.

December 29th: Open date

December 30-January 1: Annual WAO New Year’s-Ish Ski Trip to Cascade Mountain

January 2: Open date

January 3: Prepare for my return to the Conch Republic.

Lazy Bastard

I’m a tiny bit swamped with the new gig — I have been told I need to get some more stuff in the can before it can be unveiled — and with packing to return home for Christmas.

To tide you over, please enjoy this special holiday edition of “The Best of Blood & Thunder.”