I Am Not Making These Up

Despite her best efforts, Ginger has become predictable, at least as far as the request line is concerned.

Search terms that have recently led people astray, by which I mean, “to here”.

brett farve steak house
Eating Around Town
Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel
Farve’s Steakhouse

Farve’s, briefly the unquestioned toast of Wisconsin, has slipped mightily in recent years, never having recovered from the defections of Executive Chef Mike Holmgren and Sous-chef Reggie White. The steaks have become more and more gristled, and the quality of the meat is painfully uneven. The side dishes, which often outshined the meat in Farve’s heyday, are all terribly substandard, and about the only positive thing left to say about the steaks is that they are not as bad as the accompaniments. It is sad to see a once-proud institution crumble.

(But not too sad.)

asshole diploma
A Master’s in Dyspeptic Cynicism — minor in Inappropriate Studies — and a doctorate in Pointless Uncontrolled Rage. Thanks for asking.

caputos topless carrots
I can’t work in Caputo’s here, though I will gladly plug their genuine wood-oven pizza, just north of Belmont on Harlem, but the latter two words have given me a idea for the next great revue, a show that would cement The Top as the new King of Las Vegas: Envision a ten-year run at Caesar’s, complete with custom theater, for the runaway smash hit “CARROT TOPLESS”.

what drink does a guest take to a barbeque
Assuming you’re hoping to make something, the sky’s the limit. Tips:

* Citrus masks high-proof spirits, but not as well as simple syrup does.
* If you’re making something for a crowd unused to hard liquor, rum is the least harsh of the eighty-proof-and-up weight class. Tequila is, stunningly, next, followed by gin, vodka, bourbon, and scotch.
* Floating fruit in a punchbowl conveys the message “I am friendly, refreshing, and fundamentally harmless.” Do with this information what you will.
* If you want a ‘cue to get out of hand, lead by example.

john shoop
There are any number of people who might be Googling John Shoop — collection agencies, casting agents for Southwest’s “Wanna Get Away?” ads, Nick Saban looking for suggestions — but I like to think that this was John himself, underpants-clad with a two-week beard, sitting in his room at the SRO morosely chainsmoking off-brand cigarettes, ankle-deep in empty airline bottles of Gilbey’s, and hijacking the free Panera wireless from downstairs to Google himself, just to see if anyone remembers.

Yes, John. We do.

100 dollar guy haircuts florida
I don’t have the vaguest idea how you got here. I haven’t spent $100 on haircuts int he last ten years, unless you count buying razor blades. By the way, it’s becoming clear to me that it is about time to restore that practice. That or get a comedically unrealistic hairpiece. Votes?

florida turnpike trivia
1) In terms of notifying you that the stupid thing worked, Sunpass is one hundred times better than I-Pass. Sunpass beeps.
2) Between Orlando and Jupiter (roughly) there is a hundred-and-fifty-mile-plus stretch of the ‘pike wherein the only non-service plaza exit is a place called Yeehaw Junction. I have passed up the apparently-barren Yeehaw Junction twice in favor of Nathan’s Famous at the next rest stop, but no more: It has been reliably reported to me that there is a restaurant in Yeehaw Junction where the specialty is turtle.
3) Over the past year, I watched construction of the new Homestead hostpital. It was built to withstand a Category Five without evacuating. I saw the walls go up. It appears to have been build to withstand a direct attack with a nuclear bomb. I may have to rethink the wisdom of occasionally living in South Florida.

mascot routine idea
People Staley should eat this year:
Mike Brown’s offseason personal trainer
Paul Zimmerman, grumpy old writer, Sports Illustrated. Generally follows the philosophy that, to steal a gorgeous phrase from Bill Buford’s fantastic new book about Mario Batali, “the-old-ways-were-the-best-ways-because-they-were-the-old-ways”.
Chris Chambers, seriously underperforming WR, The Las Vegas Iron Men

did hemingway masturbate?
“He was an old man who fished alone in a skiff in the Gulf Stream and he had gone eighty-four days now without taking a fish.”

You know what a metaphor is?

Mememememememememememememememe. *sigh*

I was tagged. Call it another from the Request Line.

1. Ten years ago: I was killing time at Columbia until i would be eligible for an internship the following February.

2. Five years ago: I don’t know. But six years ago today I was getting married tomorrow.

3. One year ago: I was reading about Hurricane Wilma, blissfully unaware of the long-term economic damage it was going to do to us.

4. Yesterday: Was the 26th. I had lunch with Juli Mac, went to the gym, spent an hour at OfficeMax, and ate a meatball sub while driving. I am a rock fucking star.

5. Today: I hooked up the Big List to the Juvenator and inadvertently annoyed bondgirl.

6. Tomorrow: I will phone in a costume for a consecutive year that ends in “teenth”.

7. Five snacks I enjoy: When I think of snacks I like, I also think of Calvin Trillin’s writing about Fats Goldberg consuming a Kresge’s chili dog as an appetizer. I am trying not to snack.

8. Five bands (musicians) I know the lyrics of most of their songs: Jimmy Buffett, Ice Cube, Frank Sinatra, Snoop Dogg, and Bruce Springsteen.

9. Five things I would do with $100,000,000: Oh, I would do well more than five things. But off the top of my head, condo on The Strip, condo on South Beach, home in Chicago, an airplane, and a foundation dedicated to getting statues of me erected in donation-hungry cities nationwide. (You people who would help the poor are so full of crap.)

10. Five locations I’d like to run away to: Vegas, South Beach, any Caribbean island where I could be free from interference, Belize, Costa Rica.

11. Five Bad Habits: See other side for complete list.

12. Five things I like doing: Cooking, traveling with money, spending aimless leisure time with friends while traveling and/or cooking, being self-reliant, solving logistical problems.

13. Five TV shows I like: SVU, Scrubs, Pardon the Interruption, Iron Chef America and Letterman.

14. Famous People I’d like to meet, living or dead: I have met famous people. They’re often letdowns.

15. Biggest joys at the moment: Yikes. Um. I have a delightful niece, a fantasy team with a winning record, and, um, I derive pleasure from not being late. It’s been a rough couple months.

16. Favorite toys: This laptop. Golf clubs. My knives.

17. Five people to tag: Any of you there on the right especially if you haven’t posted anything in fucking WEEKS.

And missunderstood.

Big News

Speaking of Big, though he has retired as an active blogger, he contacted me recently about a spleen-venting guest spot. Said he:

I have been traveling more than any sane person should over the past couple of weeks.

Sept. 21 through 23 – Cincinnati, OH to serve as a groomsman in a dear friend’s wedding.

October 4 through 8 – San Diego, CA with my family for a personal vacation.

October 10 through 13 – Washington, D.C. for the Society of Plastics Industries’ National Board Meeting.

October 15 through 19 – Evanston, IL for a seminar on governing family businesses at Northwestern University. (While at the same time my wife and one-year-old daughter went to Palm City, FL to see my mom).

Oct. 20 through 23 – Mt. Everest, Nepal for low-O2 training for my planned assault in 2009.

Okay, I made that last one up.

But it doesn’t change the fact that in a very short period of time, I have taken eight plane trips, rented two cars, stayed in four hotels and watched 37 in-room adult movies.

I am going to burn in hell. But my infernal berth will be NOTHING compared to these a**holes:

THE RECLINER: This is the complete jag-off who reclines his seat without warning, shattering my kneecaps or at least tearing my meniscus. I’m 6’2”, and I only have approximately .0002 of an inch of clearance behind the back of the seat as it is. But this guy, he’s pissed that he’s not on British Airways on a trans-Atlantic flight, having leggy English lasses rub almond oil on his tired feet. So, because he doesn’t get a complimentary glass of champagne and blow job, he decides he’s going to invade MY space. Even though this happened to me TWICE, I both times resisted the temptation to form my empty can from my complimentary warm soda into a shiv and slash his jugular from behind. Instead, I just got up, loomed over the offender’s seat and pissed all over him.

Actually, I politely but seethingly asked both assfaces to move their seats forward, which they did, sighing as if I had asked them to donate part of their liver to Keith Richards. Way to go, buddy. You’ve managed to be only as much a jerk as the rest of the world. I’ll call the Nobel Committee.

THE COURTESY PREBOARDER: When my wife and I travel, we have a stroller, a car seat, a diaper bag, a camera bag, and a squirming toddler. The person who invented the phrase “Any passenger needing a little extra time to board” was thinking of ME. (Also the physically handicapped.) But we were invariably beat to the front of the courtesy preboard line by a thirty-something business traveler with a tiny briefcase and a cellphone or an amateur triathlete with nothing but an iPod and a copy of Runner’s World. These people don’t need extra time to board. These people should be helping me and my family board. They will get to hell and be surprised their rooms are one step below people who take handicapped parking spaces.

THE SECURITY LINE CUTTER: Often the same kind of creature as the Courtesy Preboarder. Businessmen who have much more important places to be watching in-room porn. Wannabe fashion models who are openly disgusted with anything as messy and healthy as a baby. Twentysomethings who have yet to figure out that the world doesn’t care that they are totally up on the music scene and “discovered” the music of the Ironic Bastards waaaayyy before everybody else.

Here’s the scene. My wife and daughter are traveling alone, and all the while they’re in the security lane, some eggsucker is trying to sidle past them. When my wife manages to body-block the guy with the stroller, he ends up right behind them at the X-ray machine. My wife loads her stuff on the belt (unassisted by Mr. Man-of-the-Year) and walks through the metal detector. (Remember, all this time she is holding our daughter.) She gets through the metal detector and grabs the stroller off the belt and opens it up. She puts the baby in the stroller and turns to reach for the rest of her stuff, when Assholio steps IN BETWEEN my wife and my daughter. My daughter freaks out because suddenly, her mom disappeared. The guy took his shoes and briefcase and takes off.

I told my wife, when she told me this story, that I would have killed him where he stood.

No court in the world would convict me.

Priorities, People

Found on Sportsline.com, while preparing for my weekly Fantasy Football meeting with Big:

TE (The Las Vegas Iron Men)
Winslow has been one of the best Fantasy tight ends this year. Consider him a No. 1 option despite a difficult matchup against Denver in Week 7. Winslow has some extra motivation heading into Week 7. Winslow’s brother recently died and he could be fired up to play in his honor against the Broncos.

“As we remember Eddie, let us think of the joy he took in his children, his devotion to the church, or how he might inspire his grieving family to an extra twenty yards and maybe even a tuddie in roto leagues this week.”

Once A Viking

Nicest thing that’s happened in weeks. Things may be turning around.

You need sound for this. Several of the words are NSFW, though you could quite reasonably argue that the clip is of them being deployed on live national television.

God, I hate Dennis Green.

This Show Stinks. So Far.

Five weeks in, I have been disappointed by the stiff playing the part of Tony Kornheiser on Monday Night Football this season. I am a huge Kornheiser fan, going back to the original radio show on ESPN, which was, day in and day out, the best radio show anywhere. I don’t know what’s going on with MNF, but whoever that is, it’s not Mr. Tony. I was 100% certain that Tony was going to be the best color guy on TV inside one season. I’m not ruling it out, but I’m less hopeful.

That said, am I the only person who reads this piece and hears ‘Gonna Fly Now’ in their head?

Treading Water

I am, as you may have guessed, not Mr. Inspired right now. Rough couple weeks. I plan to return with a vengeance later this week. My solemn word.

(Steve, Ging, I haven’t forgotten your requests — but I want to do right by them.)

Tell The Man I Said 'Hi'

From the Request Line:

Jessica: Top three jobs you’d NEVER want to do and why.

* These are gigs I might be able to hold, if I put my mind to it. (No “President of the United States”, no “top-ranked marathon runner”.)
* Paycheck size is irrelevant (No ixnaying jobs because they don’t pay, no taking them off the Never List because they pay a real whole lot.)

1) “Manager”. Kicking and screaming will I be dragged back to status reports and small talk with coworkers I don’t like and mandatory work hours.
2) Any elected office. I am comfortable being a public figure. I am not comfortable being specifically beholden to zealots.
3) Personal assistant to Pittsburgh Head Football Coach David J.* Wannstedt. The man ruined enough of my life, thanks.

Top three jobs you’d LOVE to have and why.

* These are gigs I might be able to hold, if I put my mind to it. (No “CEO of Ferrari”, no being Mario Batali.)
* We are speaking only of legitimate gigs (No “king of the world” or “fellatio proficiency evaluator”)

1) Morning/afternoon drive program contributor on a non-politicocentric, non-corporate-owned radio station. (Barely a legitimate gig these days.) I want to go back and work in sports radio again. Or in newstalk radio, pre-2000 election.
2) Newspaper columnist. I am comfortable beng a public figure, especially one that won’t be fired for annoying twits.
3) Restaurant critic. I was born to eat food and praise it.


Reason #3,056 Why I Love Sports Talk Radio

AM 1300, Marathon, FL. Sunday Night Football on Westwood One. Final score: Bears 37, Seahawks 6. Postgame show.

Tommy Tighe: Let’s look across the field for the moment: Is there anything positive the Seahawks can take away from a loss like this?

Bob Trumpy (I think): About the only positive thing you can say for Seattle is that no one was killed.

* * * * *

Request line fulfillment returns tomorrow.