Do You Believe In Miracles?

Miami Dolphins quarterback Joey Harrington throws an eight-yard touchdown pass to Marty Booker against the Detroit Lions in the first quarter of a NFL football game in Detroit, Thursday, Nov. 23, 2006. (AP Photo/Paul Sancya)

* * * * * * *

Twenty-nine pass attempts.

Nineteen passes completed.

For:

Two hundred and nine total passing yards.

One interception.

And three touchdowns.

Total Fantasy Points: Twenty-four.

*ahem*

Joey.

Jo-ey.

Jo-ey!

JO-ey!

JO-EY!

JO-EY!

JO-EY!

JO-EY!

noun. Poignantly contrary to what was expected or intended

Last Sunday watching Donovan McNabb, star quarterback of the Las Vegas Iron Men, writhing on the turf in Philadelphia, I did some fast math. This was an injury that could spell the end of my fantasy season, as I have a division game this week in which a loss would, I believe, put me out of playoff contention. The team needed a solid starter, and, with veteran backup David Carr banged up, they needed it to come from the waiver wire. More importantly, the team needed leadership. The team needed heart. The team needed a soul. Donovan McNabb had been all three for the Iron Men, and without him, all was, frankly, bleak.

Until I, the LVIM’s General Manager, scanned the waiver wire.

And again. And rubbed my eyes. But there he was.

And then there was no question.

In this traumatic time, there is but one miracle-maker to which I could turn. Only one man to whom I could entrust the keys. One quarterback, one start, one game. The season has come down to this.

A hero is needed.

And a hero is come.

And tomorrow, when the Iron Fans rise to their feet for the national anthem, the anticipation will be palpable. The roar of the crowd will begin around ‘Oh say does that star-spangled banner yet wa-ave”

“…can-ton…”

“O’er the la-and of the freeeeeeee…”

“…can-TON…”

“And the hoooome of the braaaaave!”

“…CAN-TON…CAN-TON…”

And the stadium announcer speaks

“Ladies and gentlemen, at quarterback, for your LAS VEGAS IRON MEN”

crowd roars and rises as one

…CAN-TON…CAN-TON…CAN-TON…

“JOEY ‘CAAAAAAAAN-TONNNNNNNNNNN’ HARRINGTON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Five F-16s fly over and the crowd delirium reaches fever pitch

* * * * * *

(I would like to end it here, but, for comedy purposes I must add this 100% true anecdote:

I spoke about this with my only personal friend who is also an out of the closet Lions fan, the estimable Dr. Badass, and he endorsed the free agent signing in the same tone of slighty repulsed amazement I might use in a situation wherein I could truthfully say, “You know who I really think would do a great job with this? Dave Wannstedt.”)

Genesis

I have decided to create a meme. Because someone has to. And to clean out my “Blognotes” file.

Three things that intelligent people I know think is hilarious, but I just don’t see it. Not in an I-find-this-offensive way, in a no-seriously-what’s-the-big-deal? way:
1) “Monty Python and the Holy Grail”. Actually, much of Monty Python generally. Actually, most English humor past the first half-minute of Benny Hill fleeing.
2) Will Ferrell
3) The foreign-visitor-with-a-language-problem routine, wherin the comedy is supposedly in making polite people look like hayseed assholes. I understand there’s a movie about this now. I first found it excruciating as segments of “Trigger Happy TV”, which I otherwise loved.

People related to me by either blood or marriage are regularly whistled by me for:
Garbage goaltending. Attention family: There is no invisible cylinder extending upwards from the upper rim of the wastebasket that is technically still within the bounds of the waskebasket. Carefully balancing the latest piece of refuse atop a protruding cone of garbage in lieu of taking the bag out is a Foul.

Two books I have read recently that are well worth your time, and two I am eagerly awaiting from the library:
1) ‘Heat’, by Bill Buford. An account of the cult of Italian food, as practiced by Mario Batali
2) ‘Horsemen of the Espohagus’, by Jason Fagone. While IFOCE is always an entrancing subject, the real charm of ‘Horsemen’ is that of another book I liked, ‘Confederates in the Attic’ — it’s fascinating to me to read books written by authors who clearly went into the book process with the mindset of an elitist douchbag but wound up making friends.

1) ‘The Life and Times of the Thunderbolt Kid’, by Bill Bryson, and ‘Hannibal Rising’, by Thomas Harris. Neither has let me down yet.

Three things I think about when I need inspiration about how much better my current job is than my last few:
1) Conversations with co-workers that I was only having to avoid going back to my chair.
2) Pointless and inconvenient cost-cutting.
3) Having this conversation with Legal:

Lawyer: It has come to our attention that you are doing something. That’s against company policy.
Me: I got permission.
Lawyer: From who?
Me: You. I’ll forward you the e-mail.

Five songs my computer just loves, judging from their frequency of appearance in the ‘All Music – Random’ rotation.:
“Hot for Teacher”, Van Halen (Far and away my laptop’s personal favorite.)
“B Movie Boxcar Blues”, the Blues Brothers
“Rockit”, Herbie Hancock (This one seems to make sense.)
“Janie’s Got A Gun”, Aerosmith
“Thunder Road”, Bruce Springsteen (It only loves the version from the ‘Live 75-85’ box set, though.)

Four things I liked, and one thing I didn’t, about the last movie I saw, which in this case was ‘Superman Returns’:
1) The running into an alley and ripping open the shirt. I’m old-fashioned about some things.
2) The newscaster’s line about — I’m paraphrasing — “…reaction coming in from cities around the world: Paris, Berlin, Gotham…””
3) The way the shadow of 9/11 darkened the way I saw every action scene in Metropolis.
4) “Great Caesar’s Ghost.”

1) Kevin Spacey. Never for one second did I stop thinking “Hey, that’s Kevin Spacey.” He wasn’t as wrong as Gene Hackman, but he was still wrong.

The moment when I got totally hooked on ______________________ was when:
“Malcolm in the Middle”, when, during the “Lois’ Birthday” episode, she screams “I need a little human consideration! I shouldn’t even have to ask!” and Hal says, “Oh. Jeez. Honey, that’s never gonna happen.”

And Lois says “Wh-what?”

And Hal says:

“We’re not smart enough to do that. Look who you’re talking to! You might as well ask us all to be a foot taller. Sweetie, you’re always gonna have to tell us what to do. I mean, look at this half-baked celebration. And we’re at the top of our game here! The only thing we’re ever going to be able to offer you is our total, abject, obedience. I know that it doesn’t sound like much, but look at it this way: Our meager abilities are yours completely. One. Hundred. Percent.”

People I’m tagging for the Make-Your-Own-Meme:
I only tag the Mob. I don’t single folks out. Freestyle y’ownself.

Scoring At Home

Yay:

* Nine states stuffed the horrifying eminent domain ruling right up the SCOTUS’ collective robes.

* Eliot Spitzer was elected Governor of New York. I will send him money if he runs for president. Anyone as reviled by the slimebags composing upper management of Honey’s profession as this guy is is someone whom I would buy several beers.

* Bipartisan investigatory gridlock is poised to reign again. Nothing makes me happier, politically, than when bickering prevents actual interference with us peon voters.

* One of the candidates I specifically went to the polls to back is a semi-competitor of Honey’s. He won. He will now spend two years mired in tedious scandal. His clients may become dissatisfied. I am proud to have supported him. All politics is local.

Boo:

* Kinky Friedman is not the Governor of Texas. The bright spot of this, of course, is that now he can write more books.

* Bipartisan investigatory gridlock is not a stone-cold lead-pipe certanty. See here, Team Blue: Look at the competition! You could not do better than this? In 2008, we’re back to single-wing Uniparty rule. Chokers.

* It now takes 60% of either the people or the legislature to amend the Florida state constitution. I base my “boo” on this solely on the rogue’s gallery of business interests that supported raising the bar from 50% to 60% versus the hilariously strange bedfellows that teamed up to oppose raising the number.

* Seven more states pushed the idea of letting people get married to whomever they damn please down the stairs. In a bad year for Team Red. Glad to see this officially become a bipartisan piece of bigotry.

Happy Hold Your Nose And Try Not To Cry Day!

I voted electronically. Honey used a paper ballot. Here’s the conversation on the way out:

Poll drone: “You’re all set. Here’s your sticker*! Thanks!”
Honey: “How was it? Was it better?”
Me: “Fine. Well, it didn’t improve the choices.”
Poll drones: (cracking up)
Pollwatchers: (Bipartisan I-hate-you glares)

* “I voted!” Resembles a sticker that might say “I made potty!”.

Other notes:

– Contrary to popular portrayal, including mine, I am not dumb. It should not take three readthroughs of a referendum for me to determine if I, who have come in prepared with a stance on the matter**, need to vote “No” or “Yes” to support said position.

** “Should the state of Florida specifically identify voters as a ‘special interest’ and subsequently obstruct them imposing their will on Tallahassee?” I voted No. Yes, really, bondgirl

– Key West has much nicer polling-place employees, in terms of delicious legs, than anywhere I ever voted or covered in Cook County.

– I walked into the first polling place I saw on the island, for the specific purpose of finding out at which polling place I would be permitted to vote. A handful of workers were clustered around a Golden Tee machine. I was, one thirty-second explanation later, much, much less excited about electronic voting than I was when I first saw that. I even had my quarters ready.

– Here’s my Election Day Card, compliments of Tuesday Morning Quarterback:

Attacks ads have been heated on both sides in the Virginia senatorial race, where sitting Republican senator George Allen, son of the football coach, is struggling to hold off Democratic challenger James Webb, former secretary of the Navy under Ronald Reagan. Here, based on this race, is Tuesday Morning Quarterback’s quadrennial take on the state of political advertising:

REPUBLICAN ATTACK AD

Soft, lilting female voice. Because voters worry that Republicans are too right-wing, the voice-over in Republican attack ads is always a sweet, reasonable-sounding woman.

“Did you know that Jim Webb reads novels? That he thinks about sex? Jim Webb has never denied thinking about sex! Jim Webb has been known to receive money. The exact amount of money he has received has never been disclosed! Many drug dealers drive their cars on highways, and Jim Webb drives his car on highways. So what’s the difference between Jim Webb and a drug dealer? While serving in the Vietnam War, Webb frequently used profanity, and is rumored to have thought about sex. When five brave firefighters died trying to stop the California wildfire, Jim Webb did nothing to rescue them — nothing! As a Democrat, Jim Webb advocates mandatory homosexuality, tax-funded Cadillacs for welfare recipients, the abolition of religion, surrendering our country to the United Nations and letting Saddam Hussein out of jail on a technicality. If Jim Webb is elected, Osama bin Laden will be placed in control of the United States military. Why won’t Jim Webb release the details of his thoughts?”

DEMOCRATIC ATTACK AD

Booming, macho voice. Because voters worry that Democrats are too squishy, the voice-over in Democratic attack ads always sounds like a steroid-swilling bodybuilder.

“Maybe George Allen is no longer a Satan-worshipper, but many Satan-worshippers are skilled at hiding their true allegiance. The postman, the school principal — can you be sure they are not Satan worshippers? Can you be sure George Allen is not? As a Republican, George Allen favors mandatory pregnancy, nuclear war against Canada, and the resumption of the Atlantic slave trade. George Allen never has explained adequately where he was on May 23, 1983. Investigators have found many documents related to George Allen. George Allen has been observed leaving meetings. Some of these meetings occurred in private! If George Allen is re-elected, major oil companies will charge for gasoline. George Allen has never denied that George W. Bush is President of the United States. George Allen, George Bush. Powerful insiders don’t want you to know that both have the same first name!”

Sniglet Opportunity

There is a cashier at my local grocery who is either ‘special’, and therefore worthy of my unqualified admiration; or profoundly stupid, and therefore worthy of my vigorously deploying the word “assclown”.

I am at an absolute loss to determine for certain which it is. I need a foolproof test. Suggestions?