Gracias, Life on Wry
The “Older People” Survey
(Meant to be completed by those out of high school)
Tired of all of those surveys made up by high school kids?
‘Have you ever kissed someone?’
‘Told someone you loved them?’
Here are some questions for the people who are a little more…mature…okay, okay…old….
1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
We finished calculating our taxes. It’s probably good I no longer follow news. I might be voting with firearms.
2. Where’s the best place to eat a romantic dinner?
Dark restaurants with views (Binion’s Ranch, Prime, Bella Luna, LutÃ¨ce) or winecellar style (The Cheese Cellar, Hugo’s, Bern’s, Fleur de Lis.)
3. Last time you puked from drinking?
Believe it or not, I don’t think I have.
4. When is the last time you got drunk and danced on a bar?
Bars aren’t really built for me to dance on.
5. Name of your first grade teacher?
6. What do you really want to be doing right now?
I’m quite content with this.
7. What did you want to be when you were growing up?
A veterinarian, a performer, a stage techie, a teacher, a DJ, a writer, a parent, and I’m sure there’s more to come.
8. How many colleges did you attend?
9. Why did you wear the shirt that you have on right now?
I am — brace yourselves, ladies — topless presently.
10. Gas prices?
Are fine. Lower than they’ve ever been, just about. But gas, last summer, set most-expensive records in South Florida and Chicago. I will be donating money to some Governors’ opposition.
11. If you could move anywhere and take someone with you?
Done and done.
12. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
13. Last thought before going to sleep last night?
This would have been something I’d need to have been requested to remember earlier.
14. Favorite style of underwear?
15. Favorite style of underwear for the opposite sex?
I admire the personality types that correlate to going commando.
16. What errand/chore do you despise?
17. If you didn’t have to work, would you volunteer at an art gallery?
No. Arteests tend to be profoundly annoying.
18. Get up early or sleep in?
Depends. Both have merit. Depends on what’s in front of and behind me.
19. What is your favorite cartoon character?
20. Favorite NON sexual thing to do at night with a girl/guy?
21. A secret that you wouldn’t mind everyone knowing?
Ginger and bondgirl both habitually wear toupees.
22. When did you first start feeling old?
When I was about nine. As I have been boarding with my mom, and staying in my old room, and sorting things, I have come to realize that, by the standards of growing up as a middle-class white American, I had a fairly unhappy childhood. If you can avoid unpacking as an adult things you thought you had put away as a child, I recommend it.
23. Favorite 80’s movie?
Planes, Trains, and Automobiles.
24. Your favorite lunch meat?
25. What do you get every time you go into Costco?
Poorer by $100. Whether I get two things or twenty, I never walk out of Costco without spending at least $100.
26. Beach or lake?
Waterfront is good. Boats are good too.
27. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual that was invented?
I think many parts of it are outdated. But if you ae going to have children, you have obligations to them that outweight what you want.
28. How many people do you stalk on Myspace
None. Being a MySpace stalker is a useful litmus for immaturity.
29. Favorite guilty pleasure?
Living in the Florida Keys.
30. Favorite movie you wouldn’t want anyone to find out about?
They’re in the folder labeled “XXX”. I don’t know the titles.
31. What’s your drink?
Dark rum or Diet Coke with lemon or coffee, depending.
32. Cowboys or Indians?
Cowboys, and give the points.
33. Cops or Robbers?
Robbers. Crime is an honest living. Gravitating to authority is disgusting.
34. Who from high school would you like to run into?
I run into people from high school, ‘cept for a very select few, I don’t even pretend to be pleased. Move on, you people.
35. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now?
790am, “The Ticket”. Unless it’s been stolen from the long-term econo lot at FLL. Which would be great, really.
36. Norm or Cliff?
37. The Cosby Show or the Simpsons?
The Simpsons. Not close.
38. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back?
I thought about it a lot, and I’m generally okay with how things have turned out overall. Can’t really identify a “here’s where it all went wrong” point.
39. Do you like the person who sits directly across from you at work?
40. If you could get away with it, who would you kill?
Wow, is that a long list. Who wouldn’t I kill?
41. What famous person(s) would you like to have dinner with?
Rachael Ray. After dinner we could clear the table. Quickly.
42. What famous person would you like to sleep with?
I really should read ahead when answering these questions. So after leaving Rachael on the table with a lazy grin on her face, I would not object to having dinner with Cat Cora. She can cook.
43. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose?
Yes. Except I didn’t know it was a chemical extinguisher rather than CO2. (There wasn’t time to read the label.) That took some time to clean up.
44. Last book you read for real?
I am just finishing Jay McInerney’s “A Hedonist in the Cellar”.
45. Do you have a teddy bear?
I hav an old bunny rabbit. He is retired from active duty, but is one of maybe three remaining just-can’t-do-it sentimental possessions.
46. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth?
Did anyone else read this question and reflexively think “That’d be the butt, Bob.”?
47. Somewhere in California you’ve never been and would like to go?
The French Laundry.
48. Number of texts in a day?
Ten? Text messages are the perfect form of communication. They’re tiny phone calls with only necessary information transmitted. No tangents, no pleasantries. I love them.
49. At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or a new relationship?
A new relationship. A new career is exhausting.
50. Do you go to church?
51. Pencil or pen?
Whichever’s nearer to hand.
52. What do you want to achieve in life?
I want not to waste any of it.
53. How old are you?
54. Where do you see yourself when you are 40?
Not in a cubicle.