Do You Believe In Miracles?

Watch this:

Then read this:

Article.

Then read this:

Recipe.

Then start experimenting. (I like three cups of King Arthur Unbleached Bread Flour, two teaspoons of table salt, and one teaspoon of active dry yeast, and the coarse wheat bran available in bulk at Whole Foods. Also my oven makes better bread at 425 than 450. But play with it. Each try takes ten minutes of actual work and maybe seventy-five cents worth of ingredients.)

And don’t say I never did anything for you.

Veritas

From The Redhead Papers, brought to my attention via an I-assume-meant-affectionately “Thinking of you” email from bondgirl:

“I picked up and what ensued was a conversation that included Mary and our friend Tiny whom I haven’t seen since her wedding in Madison, GA, and Tiny’s husband Matt who basically just laughed his ass off at Mary and Tiny and I as we talked over each other on Mary’s cell phone. And the reason they called? Because they’d been discussing their various drunken moments and realized I WAS A PART OF EVERY SINGLE ONE.

That’s right. Every time they’ve been ridiculously drunk, I’ve been there.

I take it as a point of pride, really, because I am the one who is the bringer of the drunk. Never had a drink before? You will with me. Had many? You’ll enjoy your next one with me even more than your last. Worried that your family will think ill of you if you have even one glass of wine at Thanksgiving dinner? Bring me along — I’ll make you look good. And I won’t even break anything. I’m that rare girl who can have her drinks and somehow bring people together. Without hitting someone. It’s a gift. I know. Don’t be jealous.”

"Nothing, Lois. Go Back To Sleep."

In the event you are babysitting, and, desperate, turn to YouTube for entertainment, and find yourself over and over watching “Soulja Boy Pooh”, and later notice, while singing it over and over and over*, that there’s an odd line, which you assume you have misheard in a “‘Scuse me while I kiss this guy” sort of way; and then you think nothing more of it until two weeks later when a sportswriter whose work you admire** writes one of his righteous columns blistering hip-hop culture, and includes the phrase you thought you had misheard, which it turns out you had heard 100% correctly***, well, if that happens, friends, I advise you, strongly, not to look it up in the Urban Dictionary. Because then you will know what it means.

* You will be.

** Jason Whitlock.

*** “Now Superman that ho.”

Honey I Don't Think That's True

We went to a play tonight. An all-musical version of Hans Christian Andersen’s “The Snow Queen”, at/by Victory Gardens Theater. I was by accident given the Playbill from a different show, and I don’t know much about Andersen, so I had zero advance knowledge of the plot. This led me to an experiment: First, and without checking, researching, or exaggerating, I am going to put forth what I believe occurred. I swear I will not exaggerate. Once we finish, we shall together journey over to the Wiki, and see just how close I came. Ready?

Act I

The narrator sings to us that it is July. Then we get a song from a character who is either Satan or the North Wind or both. At some point in the past Satan had a mirror, which broke. Next we met two children, Kai and Gertl. They are approximately eight. They are dear friends. It is summer. Now it is fall. Grandmother tells them about the Snow Queen, who lures little boys off to be lost and never seen again. Kai gets something in his eye. It is a piece of Satan’s mirror, which does not hurt but causes him to be a dick to Gertl, and he goes off “hitching” with his friends. “Hitching” is a pastime of juvenile male Danes — one of whom was not male but was extremely cute — in which you tie your sled to the back of a passing sleigh and get a badass ride. Kai hitches his sled to the back of a sleigh with many horses. It may have been the Snow Queen, or not. It may also have something to do with the mirror in his eye, or not. Anyhow, he gets dragged along behind this sleigh and then it flies up into the sky with him. We do not see him again for ninety minutes.

When Gertl finds out she is so upset she throws her shoes in a river. But the river takes pity on her, and gives them back. So she climbs into a boat to take them out deeper, and the boat floats downstream to a little house covered with flowers. Two wooden soldiers guard the door. They sing a song and then go away. The house is home to a giant flower-covered old woman puppet, who sings a creepy song about living with her for a thousand years and getting her hair combed with the old flowered puppet woman’s golden comb. Gertl agrees with the Goddess of Springtime and Lesbian Pedophilia. I missed her thought process on that call.

Act II

It has been either four months or a thousand years and four months. Anyhow, it is November. It has come to Gertl’s attention that perhaps the creepy old lesbian pedophile flower goddess puppet is not her best resource for finding Kai. She laments this. The narrator advises her to consult a raven. She does. The raven — played by a dead bird on a stick — somehow gets her to the home of a horny lonely princess, and the raven’s girlfriend — also a raven, and a friend of the horny lonely princess — convinces the horny lonely princess to give Gertl a couple of white horses, a jacket, and a double-hilarious hat. Gertl thanks the Princess and rides off on a wagon, wearing the hat and being pulled by the two white horses, who are abruptly shot by a female robber.

The female robber implies to Gertl that she should join her and her robber mother in robbing people and killing their horses. Gertl demurs. The robber mother arrives, criticizes the daughter, and sings a bawdy blues number about the robber daughter’s big long knife. The lesbian imagery goes from pedophiliac to incestuous. She decides she does not wish to be a robber, so the robbers give her a bunch of their stuff plus a magic reindeer who knows the secret trick to finding Lapland, which he details in song. The robbers do not mention that Gertl is now net down one mammal since they started helping her.

The reindeer and Gertl stop at the home of a woman who sings a FLAT. OUT. SHOWSTOPPING. kick-d0wn-the-fourth-wall, bring-on-the-anachronisms, Kip-Addotta’s Wet-Dream-level-punny song about her fish fetish. Absolute unquestioned highlight of the night.

They leave the fish woman. I am unclear as to why they went there or what they got out of it. I don’t care. That last number was AWESOME.

A sorceress tells Gertl that she already has the power within her to help Kai, or something. She then tells the magic reindeer to take Gertl to a special tree and then not to hang around and help or anything, but to come straight back to her. The magic reindeer agrees. He takes Gertl to the special tree, where she hears Kai singing a song that was either lamenting his prison or glorifying his new home, I couldn’t tell which. His descriptions of her home, though, put me firmly in mind of the Fortress of Solitude. Kai appears with a giant silver puppet, who I presume is the Snow Queen. She fondles him and takes him away, and calls on her snow minions to kill Gertl. The snow minions are the cute backup dancers wearing snowflake suits and headpieces with fangs. They carry quarterstaffs, which they brandish threateningly. All appears lost for Gertl.

Except she drops to her knees and says a secret prayer. It is totally secret. It will forever remain a secret between her and the Baby Jesus, because that’s what a secret prayer is, is a secret. You don’t tell anybody your secret prayer, except Baby Jesus. This was explained in long, slow song. She shuts her eyes tight and says the secret prayer.

Immediately subsequent to transmission of the secret prayer, the Baby Jesus kills the Snow Queen and her minions. Please do not infer anything about the contents of the secret prayer.

Kai is reunited with Gertl, and weeps with joy. The weeping causes the mirror sliver — oh, did you forget about that, too? — to drop from his eye, which means he can stop being an asshole and resume being Gertl’s BFF. They travel home. Grandmother is there. Then we are told, in narrative song, that Gertl and Kai are adults in body now, but they are still children at heart. Now it is spring. They make out. We are told something about children getting into the Kingdom of Heaven. Wild jungle sex is implied. Everyone sings the glories of summer.

* * * * *

Click here for the real plot. I am as astonished as you.

(Tickets and all here.)

WBNT

Blood & Thunder’s Christmas Radio is on the air.

(See sidebar.)

Liner Notes

Track 1
Baby, It’s Cold Outside, Tom Jones and Cerys Matthews
Every time I hear this song, I renew my surprise that it’s considered holiday music. Particularly this fantastic incarnation, which could easily be retitled The Date Rapists’ National Anthem.

Track 2
Feliz Navidad, El Vez
I heard this perfomed years ago on Conan as a duet between President Clinton and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. This version, by the Mexican Elvis, is nearly as good.

Track 3
The Nutcracker Suite, Bas Kuts Breaks Mix
Before I die, I need to see the Nutcracker re-set at a rave.

Track 4
Frosty the Snowman, Fats Domino
I love the way this begins.

Track 5
Blue Christmas, Seymour Swine
This song has sentimental significance, plus I can no longer hear any version of the song without stuttering when I sing along.

Track 6
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, Instrumental w/ambient sound
The music, just the music, free of context or comment, is still on my Ten Most Wanted Songs list. It would also make an excellent holiday ringtone.

Track 7
Ho Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rum, Jimmy Buffett & the Coral Reefer Band
The images this conjures, of a vacationing Santa, are unspeakably wonderful. Think jetskiing…throwing craps…walking on the beach, wearing sandals with socks, sweeping the sand with a metal detector…missing a two-footer for par and hurling his putter into the ocean….

Track 8
Dominic the Donkey, Lou Monte
The title really should be “Dominic the Christmas Earworm”. But there aren’t nearly enough Christmas songs that make you want to dance with your elbows out.

Track 9
Sleigh Ride, the Ronettes
The Talented Mr. Roto has a nice compact description of picks like this: “Just because it’s obvious doesn’t mean it isn’t true.”

Track 10
Winter Wonderland, Bootsy Collins
You can think of at least three people you need to tell, immediately, that Bootsy Collins has a Christmas album, can you not?

Track 11
Mele Kalikimaka, Bing Crosby
See Sleigh Ride.

Track 12
Santa Claus is Coming to Town, Bruce Springsteen & the E Street Band
See Mele Kalikimaka.

Track 13
Jingle Bells, Richard Cheese & Lounge Against The Machine
Possibly the most inventive cover I have ever heard.

Track 14
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, Lynyrd Skynyrd
I can’t quite work out which is more surprising, that Skynyrd has a Christmas album, or that it’s pretty good.

(And my thanks to the ‘Reaper for finding the player.)

What're You Looking At, Butthead?

I was once told that there are two kinds of famous people whose had careers that peaked very early. There are those who are (or come to be) pleased by this nice thing that happened to them, and are appreciative of and gracious about it, and there are those who are Danny Bonaduce.

In the former vein, this, brought to my attention during a radio interview with Tom “The Guy Who Played Biff In Back To The Future” Wilson, is absolutely fucking tremendous: