How strange that you, of all of us, would prove to be the most hopeful.

We ran a 5K. Notes follow:

According to the brochures and signage, the run was “for kids”, but I had to give my money to a guy to a seedy-looking guy with a walrus mustache. I would rather have given it to the titular kids directly, but whatever. I hope the kids spend their cut of my $25 on something fun.

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There needs to be less time spent between arriving to pick up your little timing device — more on those in a sec — and the start of the run. Much too much time to count the benumbered entrants that were fatter than me (0) and psyche myself out.

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I think this is the first thing in which I’ve ever been an active participant wherein someone sang the Star-Spangled Banner before we got under way. I was so delighted by this — the ceremony, not the sentiment — that I move next year in Vegas we open every buffet by rising for the National Anthem.

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The way they time races these days is via an RFID chip worn on the shoe. The Heartless CFO is all bunched undies about RFID chip tracking, and I have never quite made up my mind if on this subject she is a righteous freedom fighter, or just someone who owns a tinfoil hat or two. After having my movements tracked to the second while wearing one of the things, I am only more muddled on the topic. They are creepy and cool at the same time, like hot teachers fucking eighth grade boys.

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Cautionary Anecdote Related To Me By My Older Younger Brother, Who Also Ran The Race

“There’s a girl running in front of us with her ass hanging out an inch or so below the legs of her shorts. And two girls catch up to us from behind, and one of them says to her friend, ‘LOOK AT THAT GIRL WITH HER BUTT CHEEKS HANGING OUT FROM HER SHORTS. DO YOU THINK SHE KNOWS?’ And her friend says ‘Probably she does now. Maybe you should turn down your iPod.’ ”

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If you are running a course laid out by someone else, and have occasion to think, “Hey, it was nice of them to put this awesome downhill at the beginning of the run” then let me just assure you that a) it was not nice of them, and b) you are going to encounter the hill again, and c) it is laughably naive of you to think you’re going to be going downhill when you do.

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At the halfway point, a bunch of volunteers were handing out cups of water. Their logistics needed some work, as they were all standing on the same side of the track and close together, which meant that there was a huge bottleneck of people lunging for the first girl’s cup and then bypassing all the others, who grew increasingly desperate to participate and started blocking people from passing until they accepted a cup of water.

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Note to self: The reason runners photogenically throw those cups of water in their faces is because it is utterly impossible to drink a cup of water while running, and throwing it in your face looks way cooler than dribbling it all down your shirt.

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The pacing playlist, for those of you into that sort of thing:

(stretching and prerace motivation) John Williams, Superman (Main Title Theme)
Brewer & Shipley, One Toke Over The Line
Simon & Garfunkel, Cecilia
ACDC, Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap
Ice Cube, Steady Mobbin’
Big & Rich, Save A Horse (Ride A Cowboy)
Van Halen, Running With The Devil
Beach Boys, Surfin’ Safari
Catatonia, Karaoke Queen
Dire Straits, Calling Elvis
Gipsy Kings, Oh Eh Oh Eh
Overseer, Horndog
Rednex, Cotton Eye Joe
Public Enemy, Shake Your Booty

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After Bike The Drive they had a festival, with booths that gave out superwater and Clif bars and urged you to renounce cars and pay a large membership fee to do so and such. This race had one too, but their afterparty had pizza and beer and nachos. That was weird, considering that 75% of the people there looked likely to have happily eaten a bug more recently than they had knowingly eaten junk food. Also that I had, I guess, assumed that you had to be in some fashion virtuous to get a booth at one of these things. The food at this one was Connie’s Pizza and Velveeta nachos. They might as well have just handed you a lit cigarette as you crossed the finish line.

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All that said, I finished without walking, and I’m kind of pleased about that. (Pride in myself is a sensation with which I’m generally uncomfortable.) Next one’s August 7th. Anybody up for the Elvis is Alive 5K?

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