How strange that you, of all of us, would prove to be the most hopeful.

bondgirl, via the Request Line: “I would like a series of brief reviews of the movies that would be made if producers deferred to your opinion on such matters.”

Movies would change thusly:

* More comedies in which the intended humor is more based on bizarre reactions to entertaining situations and jokes delivered verbally; fewer comedies based on stupid people behaving stupidly and farting.

* Less messages in genres that should be message-free. More anti-heroes.

* An end to plot points and characters obviously inserted by Marketing.

* Also, a return to jokes of the type currently being softened and/or deleted by Legal.

* Hardcore pornography featuring Reese Witherspoon and Ali Larter. Separately is fine.

* More movies with talking dogs. Luna loves talking dogs.

* Better villains. I don’t care what CAIR or NAIF says, corporate polluters and rogue CIA agents just don’t get it done. I need mobsters and Russians and Libyans.

* * *

Much more importantly, the moviegoing experience will change thusly:

* There will be entire theater facilities designated NC-17. No one under 18 is allowed within 100 yards of one of these.

* There will be two published times for movies. The start of the previews, and the start of the sound-check immediately preceding the Feature Presentation. No one, including uniformed emergency personnel, may enter the theater for any reason after the latter time has passed.

* Putting your feet on the seat in front of you is always permitted, presuming the seat was empty when you chose your seat.

* Previews for movies about girl angst may only be shown before movies about girl angst.

* Movies of greater than ninety minutes will feature either an intermission or an in-theater restroom with the movie’s audiotrack audible.

* Movie popcorn is buttered only with butter. Not with popcorn-scented oil, which gets in the air, makes every inhalation weigh three pounds, and leaves your sneezes tasting like popcorn for two days.

* My power will be magnified into a field that destroys cellphones and PDAs if they are brought into the theater, on or off.

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