Since, much like this blog since October, the search terms have become lame and repetetive (the only usable one was “why is god an assholeâ€), and in recognition of the grace with which Big danced down the line between praise and sarcasm, I have decided to make past factory seconds a regular weekly item. Kiddo, I owe you a search terms; let’s make them a little better first.
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Vice President Joe Biden said Thursday that he and his family would not take a flight or ride in a subway. Shortly thereafter, Biden rushed out a statement backing off. The more I listen to Joe Biden, the more I understand why he always preferred plagiarizing other people’s words to using his own.
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In a legal loss for McDonald’s, a Malaysian court has ruled to allow an Indian restaurant to keep the name “McCurry”. McDonald’s had sued the Malaysian Chicken Curry restaurant for trademark infringement, under the notion that the prefix “Mc” is their intellectual property. “We are relieved by the justice of this decision”, said the McCurry’s spokesman, a redheaded clown named Murray McCurry.
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“Harry Potter: The Exhibition” was unveiled yesterday at Chicago’s Museum of Science and Industry. The exhibition contains more than two hundred pieces of Potter memorabilia and exhibits, including Harry’s glasses, Lord Voldemort’s Wand, and a magic mirror that allows Potter fans to see themselves in the future, as the twenty-first century’s version of Trekkies.
(Alternate: “Harry Potter: The Exhibition” was unveiled yesterday at Chicago’s Museum of Science and Industry. The exhibition contains more than two hundred pieces of Potter memorabilia and exhibits, including Harry’s glasses, Lord Voldemort’s Wand, and a replica of the Great Hall at Hogwarts. Space constraints forced the exclusion of another of the museum’s hoped-for exhibits, J.K. Rowling’s bank account statement, as there were just too many zeroes to fit on the museum campus.)
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Las Vegas’ twelve-time Entertainer of the Year, the “Man of Many Voices” Danny Gans died unexpectedly at his Las Vegas home this weekend. The world-renowned musical impressionist’s cause of death has been variously reported as a drug overdose on the toilet, choking on a ham sandwich, and crashing a light plane into an Iowa field in a storm.
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Former NFL star and U.S. congressman Jack Kemp is being mourned today. The former Buffalo Bills quarterback and presidential candidate died Saturday night. The official cause of death was cancer, though Kemp’s backfield mate O.J. Simpson has vowed a tireless search to find Kemp’s real killer.
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President Barack Obama has told Republican Senator Orrin Hatch that he would not nominate a radical or extremist to the Supreme Court. Hatch said Monday that the president called him to discuss the nomination, but did not provide names. Hatch declined to speculate on whether or not the President could have had his fingers or his toes crossed during the conversation.
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(SFX: Market bell) Big day on Wall Street, as the S&P has now entirely erased its 2009 losses. Analysts suggest (SFX: Charlie Brown’s teacher), while the financial press reports (SFX: Charlie Brown’s teacher). Jim Cramer added (SFX: Charlie Brown’s teacher.) Hey, you bring me somebody who called the drop *and* the recovery, I’ll quote them. Until then, you hear that slop like I hear it: (SFX: Charlie Brown’s Teacher)
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The Supreme Court gave the so-called “wardrobe malfunction,” new exposure Monday, directing a lower court to review their original decision. The FCC now has another chance to win reinstatement of a half-million dollar fine levied against CBS in 2004 for the televised appearance of Janet’s boob for nine-sixteenths of one second. Nine-sixteenths of one second, incidentally, is the amount of time the average person has spent thinking about Janet Jackson since she flashed the whole world.
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Afghani President Hamid Karzai was taking heat Monday for naming a powerful warlord as one of his two vice-presidential running mates. Mohammad Qasim Fahim, a former defense minister and Vice President of the country, joins Karzai and a Klingon warlord named Zorg on the ticket.
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Pope Benedict kicks off his Middle East tour this week, visiting Jordan for three days before flying to Israel, where he will visit a Palestinian refugee camp and a Holocaust memorial, as well as meeting with both Muslim and Jewish leaders. Is this going to be a tricky diplomatic feat? Is the Pope German?
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(Addition of proper music bed/SFX welcome)
I’d like to wish all of you a very happy Cinco de Mayo! As gringo listeners pound tequila and cervezas in celebration, please note that Cinco de Mayo is, like St. Patrick’s Day, a much bigger and drunker deal in the United States than in its country of origin. They’re not Hallmark holidays; they’re hammered holidays. And muchas gracias for them! Salud!
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The Department of Homeland Security has recalled a dictionary-style guide to domestic extremism. The withdrawn lexicon is an alphabetized guide to groups identified as potential domestic terrorism threats. The agency also cancelled the press run of an illustrated, rhyming offshoot publication, “A Is For Aryan: My First Big Book Of Bad People”.
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The star of Silent Movie, History of the World Part I, and Cannonball Run, comedian Dom DeLuise has died at the age of 75. Entertainers as diverse as Frank Caliendo, Artie Lange, and Louie Anderson rushed to lay claim to DeLuise’s vacated title of America’s Funniest Man Likely To Die Of A Heart Attack. (Too edgy? “America’s Funniest Morbidly Obese Man”.)
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Sixteen people banned from entering the UK were “named and shamed” by the British Government. The decision to make public the names of people banned this year was supposedly so others could understand what sort of bad behaviour Britain is not prepared to tolerate. To gain a complete understanding of what sort of bad behaviour Britain *is* prepared to tolerate, just Google “British Royal Family”.
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The president vowed Monday to change a law that allows companies to pay less tax to, as he said, (AUDIO?) “create a job in Bangalore, India, than if you create one in Buffalo, New York.†Many American companies have tens of thousands of employees in India, especially banks and credit card companies, who outsource a great deal of their customer service. Sadly, the President cannot improve the customer service itself, just the location of the person who will deny your request.
(SFX: Apu, “Thank you come again.”)
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According to an article in the Detroit News, as Michigan’s economy continues to suffer, people are offering themselves up as medical guinea pigs for a quick buck. Some are selling plasma, some their hair, while others take the more extreme road by participating in medical studies. Approached for comment, an unidentified volunteer in a medication trial declined to comment verbally, but did wave his new tentacles menacingly.
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V1:
(Actuality: “When somebody has a disfigurement or doesn’t look as pretty as you, don’t judge them.”) That’s Connie Culp, the fourth person to ever receive a face transplant, speaking at a press conference unveiling her new face. She lost her nose, one eye, her upper jaw and upper lip, palate and lower eyelids in 2004, when her husband shot her. After five years, she has all those things restored to her, and her first act is to call a press conference, thank the doctors, thank the donor’s family, and tell people to be nicer to the disfigured. Can somebody please go to the award shelf and get this woman one of everything? A Congressional Medal of Honor, an Olympic gold medal, a Nobel prize, two Grammys, a crown, the Stanley Cup, and a halo. Seriously, how high does the courage and toughness scale go?
V2:
Connie Culp, who lost the middle of her face in 2004 when her husband shot her, and this year became the fourth person to ever receive a face transplant, spoke yesterday at a press conference unveiling her new face. She thanked the doctors, and the donor’s family, and said (Actuality: “When somebody has a disfigurement or doesn’t look as pretty as you, don’t judge them.”). She went on to say, “I am just your ordinary everyday girl next door who was shot in the face by an insane maniac and lost my nose, one eye, upper jaw, upper lip, hard palate, lower eyelids, ability to smell, and sense of taste, and have become the fourth person on the face of the Earth to have all those things restored to me by modern medicine. Nothing special. No big whoop. Don’t mind me at all.”
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Representatives Barney Frank and Peter King have unveiled bipartisan legislation Wednesday that would enable Americans to gamble online. Legally. (SFX BED: Mouse and keyboard.) Because nobody does it now. Especially not me. Certainly not. No-o-o-o illegal online casinos or sportsbooks for me. Un uh. By the way, passage of this legistation opened at five to one against. Take it.
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The Oklahoma state house has followed the lead of Texas in passing a resolution claiming Oklahoma’s sovereignty. Oklahoma is declaring independence? I’m not sure they’ve thought this through. First of all, college football is not an Olympic event. Second, small feisty Oklahoma next to huge ambitious Republic of Texas; you do realize who’s Taiwan and who’s China in this deal, right? You’ll be Oklahoma County, Texas, by 2012.
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Paula Abdul has finally revealed a twelve-year painkiller addiction. Years of cheerleading, dancing injuries, a car accident, and a plane crash contributed to her reported chronic pain. To relieve the symptoms, Abdul wore a patch that delivered pain medication that she claims was eighty times more potent than morphine. I’m suprised she took this long to admit it, because insisting she behaved like that sober was getting embarrassing.
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More than one in five homeowners now owe more on their mortgages than their homes are worth, real estate website Zillow.com reports. U.S. homes lost $704 billion in value during the first quarter and have depreciated $3.8 trillion in the past 12 months. And suddenly I REALLY understand why we call this kind of thing a “depression”.
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Two California men have been indicted on charges of smuggling Asian songbirds into the U.S. Sony Dong and Duc Le told investigators that they purchased birds for fifty dollars each in Vietnam, secured them to their legs, flew to the U.S., and re-sold them for as much as four hundred dollars apiece. Duc and Dong? It took Customs HOW LONG to figure out there were birds in their pants? READ THEIR PASSPORTS! THEY WERE PRACTICALLY ADVERTISING!
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As part of the BBC’s poetry season, U2 frontman Bono will read an original poem honoring Elvis. Bono’s poem begins
I admired the King, and loved how his lip curled,
Since I can’t be him I’ll just save the world.
Roses are red, and suede shoes are blue.
Elvis was great. Please don’t boo U2.
The King was terrific, the King was the best.
I’m no Elvis Presley, just a do-gooding pest.
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According to the New York Times, gay activists are putting President Obama quote “under pressure to engage” more. Poor guy. I *KNEW* that shirtless photo was going to come back to haunt him.
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In an interview, Republican-turned-Democrat Senator Arlen Specter said he was hoping that the Minnesota courts declare Republican Norm Coleman the winner in that state’s contested Senate election. Specter quickly withdrew the comment, saying “I forgot what team I was on.” If you can’t remember that, Arlen, may I recommend you stay out of the Minnesota airport men’s room?
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Highly sensitive details of a US military missile air defense system were found on a second-hand hard drive bought on eBay. The disk also contained security policies, blueprints of facilities, and personal information on Lockheed-Martin employees. And to think I worry about my credit card numbers and topless pictures of Scarlett Johannson.
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A report has found that the one-point-one million-name FBI watchlist of suspected terrorists has a thirty-five percent error rate. The audit turned up, among other problems, two dead people still on the list. An FBI spokesman admitted that perhaps the agency had goofed in using a filing system originally developed to keep Chicago voter records.
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Former NFL player, executive and broadcaster Matt Millen is joining ESPN as a TV analyst. Millen, a four-time Super Bowl winner, left broadcasting in 2001 to run the Detroit Lions. The Lions went 31-84 under Millen, capping his tenure by going 0-16. Great move, ESPN. Who’re you going to hire next, the coach of the Washington Generals?
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Michael Jackson’s former publicist has filed a forty-four million dollar lawsuit against the King of Pop, claiming she was never paid for her services. Raymone Bain was Jackson’s public voice during his child molestation trial, subsequent financial difficulties, and the sale of Neverland ranch. And she wants forty-four million? Imagine how much she’d sue for if he’d ever had any GOOD publicity.
Writers’ block, my ass.