…and the Doctor says “I think you need to have more fun. What do you do for fun, on a daily basis?”
Guy says, “I used to write in my blog, maybe have a drink, read a little bit. Now I work so much, I can’t do anything else.”
Doc says, “Well, lets go though your day, and try to find room for some fun.”
Guy says, “I get up between five-thirty and six, eat, groom, scan email, get on the bus, work ten hours, write comedy during my half-hour lunch and after work, get on the train around seven-fifteen, bolt some dinner while I work for an hour, I go to the gym or run, and I go to bed. Should I cut sleep or exercise?”
Doc says, “Wow. No, you can’t cut those. Hmm. Maybe we could work on reclassifying listening to science podcasts on the train as “fun”.”
That’s not the joke. I wish it were. These are the jokes. Thanks for sticking with me during my medical-person-certified period of inhuman workload.
* * *
A belated happy Mother’s Day to all the moms listening. Did you know Mother’s Day was invented by Anna Jarvis as a way to honor motherhood, but years later, Anna became an opponent of Mother’s Day, believing it had become too big a fuss. Fortunately, no one fell for that whole “Oh, no, no need to make a fuss. Don’t do anything special just for me” trap, and the holiday thrives to this day.
* * *
Octomom Nadya Suleman is having surgery to remove benign uterine tumors, which will render it virtually impossible for her to become pregnant again. She has admitted to having fears about the surgery. Personally, I think she’s lucky if her reproductive system doesn’t fall apart like the Bluesmobile.
* * *
Top Gun star Kelly McGillis came out of the closet in an interview with lesbian website SheWired. I have to say, when I first heard that one of the stars of Top Gun had come out, she wasn’t the first person I thought of. Or the second. Or the third. Or the sixth.
(Some vidio at http://shewired.com/Article.cfm?ID=22511)
(Alternate version: One of the stars of the gayest movie of the eighties, Top Gun, has come out of the closet..(beat beat beat)..and it’s Kelly McGillis. Yeah, I didn’t see that coming, either. And yeah, I was thinking the same thing you were.)
* * *
Dick Cheney vigorously defended waterboarding on Face the Nation yesterday, saying Khalid Shaikh Mohammed “did not cooperate fully in terms of interrogations until after waterboarding.” and that “Once we went through that process, he produced vast quantities of invaluable information”. He also advocated waterboarding for cable tv repairman who don’t show up, neighbors who use noisy leaf blowers at 7am, and grandchildren who interrupt Grandpa.
* * *
Space shuttle Atlantis is headed for the Hubble telescope, a mission dangerous enough that, for the first time, NASA is preparing for a rescue operation. At the Hubble’s altutude, three-hundred-and-fifty miles up, there is a much greater chance of a debris strike, and shuttle Endeavour is on the pad in case the astronauts need rescuing. Rescuing? They’re going to be in *space*. This is not like calling a friend for a jumpstart. What is the second crew going to do, get out and push?
* * *
The repairs planned for Hubble include a new camera that’s thirty times more powerful than the last one. The man who’ll be installating the new camera, astronaut John Grunsfeld, has described the job as “brain surgery”. Isn’t that just like NASA? They need brain surgery, so they send a rocket scientist!
(That one might warrant the full-cheese rimshot SFX.)
* * *
Microsoft’s latest release, a new corporate bond, received bond-rating agency Moody’s top grade, triple-A. Which is weird, because every other Microsoft product *I*’ve ever owned has crashed.
* * *
U.S. journalist Roxana Saberi has been released from an Iranian prison, where she had been held since February on charges including buying a bottle of wine and working as a journalist without official authorization. And I stand proudly in solidarity with her. If buying wine and being officially unqualified are crimes, Mr. Ahmadinejad, then you can just come and get me, too!
* * *
The speech by Pope Benedict XVI yesterday at Holocaust memorial Yad Vashem has drawn criticism. The speech, described by some as disappointing and lukewarm, advocated the importance of remembering Holocaust victims, but drew criticism for not mentioning Nazis specifically, and for using the word “killed” instead of “murdered”. Was this a no-win situation for the German-born Benedict? Is the Pope Catholic?
* * *
In business news, the cost of coffee is rising sharply due to higher-than-expected demand. Analysts believed that the global economic crisis would dampen demand for coffee. However, that forecast proved wrong; demand has remained high, which is attributed in part to cost-cutting Wall Street traders turning to coffee as a cheaper alterantive to cocaine.
* * *
The controversy surrounding the Miss California USA pageant continues, over whether or not titleholder Carrie Prejean should be stripped of her crown. The 21-year-old San Diegan created the controversy when she said she believes marriage should only be between a man and a woman. *sigh* Remember the good old days, when controversy surrounding a beauty pageant meant naked pictures, instead of political opinions?
* * *
Chrysler planned to spend one hundred and thirty four million dollars on advertising in the nine weeks the company will be in bankruptcy, but the US Treasury’s Auto Task force cut that amount in half. A Chrysler spokesman had the gall to say that it was quote “essential for Chrysler not to lose its brand image.” Oh really? Your current brand image is of a company with bad management, predatory financing, irresponsible spending, and substandard products that needed a fat infusion of taxpayer money to stay alive long enough to sell the brand to Fiat. Here’s something good for your brand image: FIRE THAT SPOKESMAN.
* * *
Is President Obama a better stock analyst than Warren Buffett? In October, Buffett said he might put all of his personal investments into U.S. stocks, after which the the S&P 500 plunged twenty-nine percent, a trend it didn’t reverse until early March, when President Obama said that equities offered bargains for investors with a “long-term perspective†and the index began its biggest rally since the thirties. Mr. President! Mr. President! Any advice for investors looking to put some money on the NBA Finals?
* * *
Miss California, Carrie Prejean, stood by her opposition to gay marriage yesterday, invoking the right to free speech defended by her grandfather, who fought at the Battle of the Bulge. Honey, I’m sympathetic to what happened to you, but you’re pushing it. You’re a beauty pageant contestant. Your Battle of the Bulge is about avoiding bulemia. Don’t get carried away.
* * *
Apple’s iPod store has blocked an app that allows users to superimpose their own faces on religious figures, like Jesus, or Mother Teresa. The app, “Me So Holy”, was reportedly rejected on the grounds that some users could find it objectionable. Apple denied rumors that the rejection was due to the failure to include Steve Jobs among the religious figures portrayed.
* * *
The World Health Organization is investigating a Australian researcher’s claim that the swine flu virus may have been a result of human error. Adrian Gibbs, who collaborated on research that led to the Tamiflu drug, suggested that efforts to trace the virus’s origins by genetic analysis lead him to believe that the new strain may have accidentally evolved as scientists grew viruses to make vaccines. “G’day, mate, could ya pass me that jar? (sfx : glass breaking) Oi. No worries. Get a mop. Don’t tell anybody.”
* * *
The Senate is considering a new tax on soda to help pay for an overhaul of the health-care system. The tax would face strong opposition from the beverage industry and could spark a backlash from consumers. I can believe that. When it comes to withdrawal, coke addicts have nothing on…coke addicts.
* * *
According to the Hindustan Times, an Indian man who fathered seven daughters has not washed for thirty-five years in an attempt to ensure his next child is a boy. Kailash “Kalau” Singh replaces bathing and brushing his teeth with a “fire bath” every evening. He stands on one leg beside a bonfire, smokes marijuana, and says prayers. I would say the miracle has already happened, Kalau, someone had sex with you seven times already.
* * *
Are Cheerios a drug? The cereal’s boxes are currently touting the supposed health benefits of Cheerios. That didn’t sit well with the FDA, who sent a letter to manufacturer General Mills, warning them that claiming Cheerios can lower cholesterol while providing cancer-fighting and heart-healthy benefits, essentially makes Cheerios “a drug”. If Cheerios are a drug, look out. I know a two-year-old who is going to have a terrible time in rehab.
* * *
Social Security and Medicare will run short of funds sooner than previously thought because the recession has taken a toll on tax revenues, a new government report shows. The report, titled “Well, Duh”, simply confirmed what everyone already knew.
* * *
Craigslist has confirmed that it will cancel its “Erotic Services” section in favor of a monitored “Adult Services” section. Illinois Attorney General Lisa Madigan said “The section was nothing more than an Internet brothel.” I object to her perjorative language. It was not a brothel! It was a community! (stage whisper) Raquel, Crystal, Destiny, CALL ME.
* * *
Victoria Gotti could be homeless. A New York court has approved foreclosure on the Mafia princess’s Long Island mansion, after she reportedly missed making her twenty-five-thousand-dollar-a-month mortgage payment for more than two years. Twenty-five thousand dollars a month? You’d think John Gotti’s little girl could spot a predatory lender.
(Alt punch: “The house is now on the market, listed for three-point-two million dollars, or best offer she can’t refuse.”)
* * *
Sources say the search for a Supreme Court nominee is down to about half a dozen finalists, and there should be a nominee by month’s end. As the next step in the selection process, the prospective justices are due to be interviewed by blogger Perez Hilton, just as soon as President Obama finishes scrutinizing their topless photos.
* * *
Toxicology reports are in on the chimpanzee that mauled a Connecticut woman. The chimp, named Travis, had been taking Xanax in February, when he attacked Charla Nash and was then shot and killed in a confrontation with police. When he was younger, the two hundred pound adult chimp had done TV commercials, been on the Maury Povich show, and filmed a television pilot. *sigh* So another former child star meets a fat, drugged, and tragic end.
* * *
In a high-profile reversal for his administration, President Barack Obama is seeking to block the release of photographs depicting abuse of detainees in U.S. military custody in Iraq and Afghanistan, fearing that making them public could inflame anti-American opinion and endanger U.S. troops. Both the left and the right have protested this move; often a sign that a President has made a good decision.
* * *
Senators including Dick Durbin and Dianne Feinstein have criticized a CIA report listing Congressional briefings that has claims that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and other officials have long known about waterboarding and other controversial interrogation methods, but did nothing to stop them. The Senators implied that the timing of the report was suspicious. The CIA is out to get you? Really? Did they fly this report in from Area 51 in a black helicopter? (sfx : X-Files theme open.)
(Alt punch, after “Stop them”: “Are you *really* sure you want to pick a fight with the CIA, Senators? John Kennedy tried that. Not going to say aaaaaaaaaaaanything more.”)
* * *
Defense Secretary Robert Gates is defending his plan to stop development on the new Presidential helicopter. The VH-71s would have cost four hundred million dollars apiece, and Gates has cut the program from the budget despite Lockheed Martin’s promise to throw in free rustproofing undercoat, floormats, and satellite radio.
* * *
To combat fire ants, Texas researchers are unleashing parasitic flies. Ready for this? The flies lay eggs on the ants, the eggs hatch into maggots inside the ant and eat the ant’s brain. The ant’s head falls off, and a new fly emerges, ready to lay eggs on another fire ant. And suddenly, being stuck in traffic on your way to work in a lousy economy doesn’t seem so bad a life, does it?
* * *
And finally, a Taiwanese man was — brace yourselves, guys — bitten on the penis by a snake while sitting on the toilet at home. The man is currently hospitalized with quote “minor injuries”. This is no urban legend; local TV showed the black and yellow rat snake being uncoiled from the bowl. So many things bother me about this story, I don’t know where to start. Let me just say, there’s no chance any man listening agrees with calling that a “minor” injury.
* * *
The House has approved a ninety-seven-billion-dollar war funding bill. However, lawmakers rejected parts of the proposal, including the request for money to shut down the prison at Guantanamo Bay. House members said they would like more details on what will happen to the prisoners currently held there. The official explanation, that the detainees will go to live on a farm in the country, and spend all day playing outside with other detainees, has been met with skepticism.
* * *
Lindsay Lohan is heading back to the silver screen, in a comedy costarring Woody Harrelson, Dave Matthews, and Alanis Morrisette. The movie stars Lohan as a student participating in a study of what happens when you make a movie starring nutjobs and musicians, and is tentatively titled “The Bomb”.
* * *
Jay Leno has revealed his final Tonight Show guest, and it’s his successor, Conan O’Brien. “It’s a peaceful transition of power,†said Leno. O’Brien announced he was “relieved” by Leno’s decision to depart peacefully, and as a goodwill gesture lowered the alert level of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog and the Masturbating Bear.
* * *
The bickering between the Obama administration and former Vice President Cheney continued Thursday as the administration denied Cheney’s request to release two memos he says will demonstrate the effectiveness of so-called advanced interrogation techniques like waterboarding. I think we’ve heard this whole thing before. (sfx : “You want answers?/I think I’m entitled./*You want answers?*/*I want the truth!*/*You can’t handle the truth!*”)
(Better but slightly more obscure, after “like waterboarding”: “A visibly angered Cheney reacted to the administration’s denial: (sfx : “My existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me on that wall, you need me on that wall.”)
* * *
This week, Delaware will become the fourth state in the country to legalize sports betting. (SFX Homer: “Woohoo!”) joining Nevada, Oregon, and Montana. The state has voted to create the Delaware Sports Lottery. The expected lucrative leg-breaking collections contract has yet to be awarded.
* * *
President Barack Obama called current deficit spending “unsustainable†yesterday, saying, “We can’t keep on just borrowing from China.†He went on to explain that China was getting a little frustrated, and would eventually refuse to loan us nine hundred billion til payday. (sfx , Bart Simpson: “What happened, China? You used to be cool.”)
* * *
Google suffered service disruptions that took down many of its services yesterday, and cited a quote “web traffic jam in Asia” as the root of the problem. Apparently the Information Superhighway in Asia is, like real Asian highways, clogged with bicycles, taxis, demonstrations, and goats.
* * *
V1:
US Senators and travel experts agreed yesterday that the United States needs to wage a quote “charm offensive” to woo overseas tourists. The US share of the world travel market has plunged 20 percent since the year 2000. *I* think if we want overseas visitors, guys, the last thing we need to do is launch another offensive ANYTHING. Every time we do that, everybody just gets mad.
V2:
Travel experts showed U.S. Senators a video promoting U.S. tourism yesterday. The video includes footage of New York City, the Golden Gate Bridge, the Washington monument, Las Vegas, and bikini-clad women on a beach. It ends with people of various ethnicities saying “welcome” and a shot of the Statue of Liberty. Senators applauded the welcoming video, and then resumed demonizing immigration.
* * *
Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger has proposed selling San Quentin Prison and the Los Angeles Coliseum in a bid to raise cash. Many other state-owned properties are on the block as well. Califirnia, we know times are hard, but a rummage sale? Have some pride. Next you’ll be changing the motto on your license plates to “EVERYTHING MUST GO”.