Across the country at the University of California-Merced, Commencement Speaker Michelle Obama urged graduates to quote “give back”. I don’t know about these kids, but when I graduated college, all I had to give back was a disgusting makeout couch and a Dodge Dart.
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Pope Benedict the Sixteenth is back in Rome after eight days in the Holy Land. The Pontiff returned from his trip bearing promises of peace, messages of hope, and a t-shirt reading “I broke a hundred at Gethsemane Gardens Golf Club”.
(Too much? “The Pontiff returned from his trip bearing promises of peace, messages of hope, and a bottle of Maneschewitz for the Cardinal who fed his cat while he was gone.”)
(Too little? “The Pope returned from his trip bearing promises of peace, messages of hope, and a t-shirt reading “I nailed a hole in one at Calvary Hills Golf Club”. [Yes, I know. That one is personal use only.])
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Wealthy British businesswoman Elizabeth Adeney, of legendary leathermaker Swaine Adeney Brigg, is pregnant via IVF treatment at the age of sixty-six. She has reportedly told friends she wants a baby so she has someone to leave her money to. If the IVF doesn’t work out, Elizabeth, I know an adorable towheaded forty-five-year-old radio host who’d be honored to inherit new mummy’s money.
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Surveys have long shown that Americans grow happier as they get old, and a new Pew Research Center survey shows that old people’s happiness is holding up as the economy tanks. Personally, I think it’s because stories about the Depression are back in style.
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U.S. health officials said yesterday that the H1N1 swine flu virus…*sigh*. Look, aren’t we done with this? It’s not the Hogpocalypse. It’s just the flu. I know you’re disappointed, mainstream media, but it’s time to move on.
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It took longer to reach areas like the Hamptons, Palo Alto, and Orange County, but now the subprime crisis has hit even the very wealthy. The number of U.S. homes valued at more than seven-hundred-thirty-thousand-dollars entering foreclosure has jumped one-hundred-twenty-seven percent since this time last year. Reaction to this story from a spokesman for most of you said
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Scientists have unveiled a 47-million-year-old fossil of a quote “lemur-monkey” The ninety-five-percent-complete ‘lemur monkey’ skeleton, dubbed Ida, is being hailed as the missing link in human evolution. Dental evidence puts the lemur-monkey’s age at equivalent to that of a six-year-old human…wait. A six-year-old lemur-monkey? This isn’t Ida. This is *Elmo*! (SFX: Any Elmo.)
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The Senate has cut a provision to close the prison at Guantanamo Bay from the latest war funding bill. The move follows bipartisan criticism of the President for not first revealing what he planned to do with the suspects currently being held. The administration has reportedly had trouble placing the detainees. So I guess that “TERRORISTS FREE TO GOOD HOME” sign on the White House lawn isn’t getting it done.
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President Obama plans a major speech today, detailing his plan to find new homes for the Guantanamo Bay detainees. He is expected to ask Congress for permission to keep some of them, as long as he promises to feed them, walk them, and play with them every day.
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DreamWorks is planning the first big-screen portrayal of the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr.’s life. Two of King’s children have threatened legal action over the film deal, citing concerns over privacy, respect, and a composite character, the Reverend Dr. Jar Jar Binks.
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New York City busted a prostitution ring run via Craigslist. When clients would call the ad’s number, the bookers used codephrases. For example, “skiing and rock climbing” meant “drugs and partying”. Now I’m worried. Last week on Craigslist I bought a “gently used black leather piano stool”. I think.
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(SFX: Touchpad tones, as appropriate.)
One in four people confesses to texting and driving, according to a new survey. Texting…is…on the riiiise…among all demographics…and robs drivers…of the abil..i..ty…to focus on important…things. Send. There.
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President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad claims Iran has successfully tested a missile could reach both Israel and U.S. bases in the Gulf. However, experts have been skeptical; a U.S. intelligence report from 2007 said Iran abandoned a secret nuclear weapons program in 2003 and has not restarted it. Oh, great. Nothing to worry about then. Our experts have never been wrong about weapons programs in the Mideast.
“all I had to give back was a disgusting makeout couch and a Dodge Dart.”
Milk out the nose, my friend, milk out the nose.