Blood And Thunder

Big weekend for the Axis of Evil.  North Korea added another missile test and an underground nuclear explosion to the tally, while Iran followed last week’s missile test by sending warships into international waters.  When he took office, President Obama vowed diplomatic ties with countries willing to quote “unclench their fists”.  So far, Iran and North Korea have responded by unclenching one finger from each fist.

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Germany is considering banning Red Bull Cola.  German retailers pulled the energy drink off the shelves after traces of cocaine were found in it.  Meanwhile, the street price of Red Bull Cola quintupled overnight, despite how hard it is to snort liquid off a glass coffee table.

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A small explosive device detonated outside a New York City Starbucks at 330am Monday morning.  No one was hurt.  The NYPD believes the device was a small double-fuse half-powder-half-plastique timed popper with extra flash and a dusting of magnesium. 
 
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The space shuttle Atlantis landed safely in California this weekend, after storms in Florida forced a change in plans.  The alternate-site landing will cost NASA two million dollars; two hundred thousand to get the shuttle to Florida, and a one-point-eight million dollar penalty for failing to return Atlantis with a full tank.

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…The California Supreme Court has upheld Proposition 8, eliminating the right of same-sex couples to marry.  The decision was lauded by those who favor the tradional definition of marriage, as well as the protest-placard and megaphone industry.  Joining gay rights groups in vigorously opposing the ruling were florists, formalwear shops, jewellers, and divorce lawyers.

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The ruling did not dissolve the unions of eighteen thousand gay and lesbian couples who wed before the constitutional amendment took effect.  Which means, for better or for worse, thirty-six thousand people are now stuck with the same person til death do them part.  Doesn’t sound so great put that way, does it?  

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Sonia Sotomayor is President Obama’s nominee to join the U.S. Supreme Court.  Sotomayor graduated from Princeton and Yale, was a prosecutor, grew up in a housing project, was first seated on the federal bench by President George H.W. Bush, and is a federal appellate judge.  She would be the court’s first Hispanic and third woman.  Republican reaction was basically, “Well, (bleep).” 
 
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Sotomayor is most widely known for her decision in 1995 ending the baseball strike.  Said the President, “Some say that Judge Sotomayor saved baseball.”   Oh, so she invented steroids?

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In other gay news, the next installment of Grand Theft Auto, “The Ballad of Gay Tony,” will be released this fall.  Producer Rockstar Games says to expect a “focus on high-end night life.”  Wait until you see what you have to do to clear level four. 
 
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<SFX bed: Steam, “Na na na na, na na na na…etc.”

In a move that perfectly illustrates why newspapers are doomed, the New York Times is responding to falling readership, declining advertising, and the worst recession in eighty years by RAISING the paper’s price from a dollar fifty to two dollars a day.  Senility is so sad.  Go see the old gray lady while you can.  She hasn’t got a lot left.

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Prostitutes reported a surge in demand during the recent World Business Summit climate conference in Copenhagen.  Among the most popular requests?  “Cap and trades”, a “carbon footprint” and the legendary “Kyoto hockey stick”.

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North Korea warned against any attempt to stop, board or inspect ships, promising quote “unimaginable and merciless punishment” for anyone trying to do so.  Come on.  I’ve had kimchi.  It’s not *that* bad.

(Rimshot-and-try-the-veal close)

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Federal tax revenue dropped by thirty-four percent this year, or one-hundred-and-thirty-eight billion dollars.  In response, the federal government immediately announced sweeping layoffs and spending cuts.  <beat> <snicker/snort> No, really, they’re just going to keep spending it.

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In the last six months, the average U.S. credit score dropped six points.  Credit companies attribute the drop in scoring to the housing crisis, the recession, and new rules banning performance-enhancing drugs.

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Japanese scientists have bred monkeys with skin that glows fluorescent green.  The genetic achievement could lead to research monkeys with human genetic disorders.  It could also lead to squads of superintelligent glow in the dark ninja assassin soldier monkeys.  Which would be AWESOME.

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And finally, a British study found that listening to soccer while driving can be dangerous.  (dismissive snort/laugh) Yeah, you can fall asleep.  <SFX: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL>

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RQ6oz54qh9w — goal call starts around :30)

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Remember the swine flu?  The CDC says if everything goes right, a vaccine could be available by October.  In a related story, President Obama says that it’s now or never for health care reform.  Given that the government’s top medical center just said they *might* have a vaccine six months too late to stop an epidemic that never happened anyway, I think I’m rooting for “never”.

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Free-speech advocates are upset by Sonia Sotomayor’s nomination.  In 2008, she ruled against a student who sued her school after she was punished for calling school officials “douchebags” on her blog.  Her ruling in “Students v Douchebags” cited the need for “proper respect for authority”.  That doesn’t sound liberal to *me*.

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Sources say General Motors plans to file for bankruptcy protection on June 1.  “By freeing GM of tens of billions of dollars in debt, bankruptcy will give it a new lease on life,” said a UCLA law professor.  The new lease is good for three years or thirty thousand miles, but does not come with a warranty.

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As the pressure mounts, Britain’s Got Talent star Susan Boyle has threatened to quit, been in tears repeatedly, cursed at hotel guests, and been advised to avoid the media.  MAN, she got being a celebrity down fast.

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Elvis’s physician, George “Dr. Nick” Nichopoulos, is selling his memorabilia.  The collection includes three handguns, Elvis’s pill bottles, and a black medical bag used when Dr. Nick made house calls to Graceland.  Surprisingly, Dr. Nick’s bag doesn’t count as a murder weapon.

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Father Alberto Cutie, the Catholic priest who admitted to breaking his vow of celibacy, is joining the Episcopal Church, where the rules allow him to be with the woman he loves.  I didn’t know churches had free agency.

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The Army is investigating allegations that male soldiers took pictures and video of female soldiers showering at Fort Dix.  No charges have been filed.  Fort Dix, huh?   Couldn’t have seen that one coming, guys?

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Reaching out to conservative voters, about three thousand supporters gathered in Fresno to win back support for same-sex marriage.  Fresno police said the rally was peaceful, orderly, and, gosh, just FABULOUS.

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Lawrence Livermore National Lab has unveiled a high-energy super laser capable of burning with the heat of a star.   Listen, do you people not watch movies?  SOMEONE IS GOING TO STEAL THIS THING.   <SFX sting: Bond theme/Dr. Evil/Superman/etc.>

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Britain’s Got Talent star Susan Boyle threatened to quit, was repeatedly in tears, was attended to by a team of psychiatrists, and then came in second.  Did you ever think a middle-aged Scotswoman would remind you of Terrell Owens?

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An editorial in Pravda says quote “the American descent into Marxism is happening with breathtaking speed”.   Wow.   Rush Limbaugh writing for Pravda.  Never thought I’d see the day.

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As if having one former governor in jail and another likely to go wasn’t enough, the Illinois State Senate has tentatively approved increases in both sales *and* income taxes.  Maybe when Time named Springfield “America’s Worst City”, they *didn’t* mean the Home of Homer.  <SFX: D’oh/woohoo, your choice.> 

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Thousands of protesters marched through Hong Kong to mark the upcoming twentieth anniversary of pro-democracy protests in Tiananmen Square.  The column of marchers was held up only briefly, by one tiny yet courageous tank.

This entry was posted on Monday, June 29th, 2009 at 5:15 pm and is filed under WTF?. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.