I decided to start leaving in the ones that got used.  Five, from this batch.Â
* * *
<SFX: They’re baaaaaaaaaaack. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F8TrCJQAid0 — about :35 in)> Four potential Republican candidates for President have scheduled visits to Iowa, and I just rolled my eyes right along with you. Let’s move on.
* * *
Treasury Secretary Geithner spent yesterday telling the Chinese government that its huge US debt holdings are safe. He urged China to quote “Be cool about it”, saying “You don’t need to send Big Ming and Mr. Chen, dudes. You know we’re good for it.”
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(Heads-up, both of the below “quotes” are cut-down versions of much longer quotes that say the same thing.)
GM’s demise has brought out two loons. Michael Moore said: When GM moved jobs to Mexico and eliminated the income of many middle-class families, who did they think was going to buy their cars?
Ralph Nader said:Â The bankruptcy and restructuring are the product of a secretive, unaccountable, Wall Street-minded government.
That weird feeling in your stomach? Feeling like they both have a point.
(SFX: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w91-GMc3j7I — “Dogs and cats, living together” starts around 2:10)
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France has asked the US military to help find the Air France jet that disappeared over the Atlantic. Remember how you acted LAST time the US Army went looking for something, France? Tres rude. You guys ever read “the Little Red Hen”?
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The first scientific experiment to be conducted via Twitter will investigate psychic ability. The results of the experiment should be known on Friday. You’d think, if there *was* anything to psychic ability, they’d know the results already.
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The Minnesota Supreme Court heard Norm Coleman’s argument that people who filed technically incorrect ballots for the state’s disputed Senate seat should have their votes counted. Franken’s counterargument? (SFX: Stuart Smalley, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough…etc.” Attached.)
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Cisco Systems and Travelers Companies will replace GM and Citigroup in the Dow Jones Industrial Average. The two companies reportedly edged out Apple, Toyota, and Susan Boyle for the spots.
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Venezuela has purchased the most lethal shoulder-fired anti-aircraft missiles in the…<screeching halt>. Look, I ‘ve had it. Just tell me what has to happen before we stop letting dictators do whatever they want, and I won’t bring this up again.Â
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Guantanamo Bay commanders bought twenty laptops for the departing captives. They hope the laptops will help the men rejoin modern society. <SFX: beep> <computer voice> “Osama bin Laden has friended you on Facebook. Click here to confirm you know Osama.”
* * *
Former Vice President Dick Cheney says he supports gay marriage. “I think people ought to be free to enter into any kind of union they wish*.”  That makes Dick Cheney a more vocal proponent of gay marriage than Barack Obama. (SFX: Ghostbusters dogs-and-cats-living-together clip from yesterday.)
* http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qmF045dF33M
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And finally,
Audio: Marvin Gaye, attached, or some good wah-wah porn soundtrack.
V1: A study found that an antioxidant in sperm makes skin softer and smoother, and now one Manhattan spa is offering a treatment, the Spermine Facial, using a synthetic version of the stuff. And I am going not one step farther with this joke, because I want to keep doing this.
V2: A study found that an antioxidant in sperm makes skin softer and smoother, and now one Manhattan spa is offering a treatment, the Spermine Facial, using a synthetic version of the stuff. No word on whether or not the spa also provides happy endings.
V3: A Manhattan spa is offering a treatment, the Spermine Facial, using a synthetic version of the stuff, after studies showed that an antioxidant in sperm makes skin softer and smoother. Watch your local spa…the treatment may be coming soon.
V4: A Manhattan spa is offering a treatment, the Spermine Facial, after studies showed that an antioxidant in sperm makes skin softer and smoother. The facial is conducted with a synthetic version of the antioxidant; apparently fresh-squeezed was just too expensive.
(Pick and choose…I have no idea how far you want to push it….)
* * *
A Chicago ordinance banning handguns and automatic weapons in the city was upheld by a U.S. Court of Appeals yesterday, following a weekend in which seven people were shot and killed in a twenty-four-hour period. Glad they upheld the law. It’s working GREAT.
* * *
Just before his major Mideast trip, the President said Iran has the right to nuclear energy, declined to criticize human rights abuses, and said that we cannot simply impose American values on the Muslim world. Prime Minister Chamberlain…whoops, heh heh heh, I mean, President Obama, left for Egypt and Saudi Arabia last night.
* * *
General Motors is offering cash compensation and a twenty-five-thousand-dollar car voucher to workers who resign or retire. <Somber DJ Voice> United Auto Workers, you have a choice. Work for the U.S. government, or walk away, right now, with <big DJ voice> A BRAND NEW CAR!!!!!!!. <appropriate game show bells and cheering> Â
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New York City public schools have really improved on state math tests. Eighty-two percent of students passed the test this year, compared with fifty-seven percent in 2006. That’s an improvement of…carry the two…(bleep)…twenty percent!
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Kim Jong Il has chosen the youngest of his three sons, Kim Jong Un, as his successor. The reason Kim Jong Un was anointed to lead the Communist dynasty over his older brothers, Kim Jong Sonny Sonny and Kim Jong Fredo, is not known.
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The IRS is seeking eight hundred thousand dollars in back taxes from Senator John Kerry’s failed 2004 presidential campaign. <disclaimer prod.> This moment of Schadenfreude brought to you by People For Embarassing John Kerry.
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Is GM’s banKruptcy the end for the Motor City? The population is less than half what it was in 1950, one-third of residents live in poverty, and the public school graduation rate is thirty-two percent. And of course, as this Bulls and Blackhawks fan has known for years, <SFX: DE-TROIT SUCKS! DE-TROIT SUCKS!>
http://www.blackhawkzone.com/downloads/piven.mpeg (Cleanest)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQ5tkarVug8Â (Right around 2:17)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QlRR68Oxpzo (Organ clearest)
(Alternate take w/ more production:
<”De-troit sucks!” chant fades up gradually>  The population is less than half what it was in 1950, one-third of residents live in poverty, and the public school graduation rate is thirty-two percent. Is the GM bankruptcy it for the Motor City? I’m a Blackhawks fan. So who cares?
* * *
A Florida man is suing a strip club after a dancer kicked him in the head. The club’s manager says the man quote “slapped the young woman on her buttocks, and I guess out of a natural response she turned around and kicked him.” God, I hate when they do that.
* * *
The FDA has approved Palladia, the first cancer medication specifically designed to treat dogs. Veterinarians caution dog owners, however, that this treatment is not a magic bullet, and encourage owners to talk to their dogs about quitting smoking.
* * *
GM’s remaining dealers have been told to stop selling other brands of cars while at the same time meeting higher sales goals. The actual numbers aren’t defined, but I think we know the gist of it: <SFX, Alec Baldwin: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TROhlThs9qY, right around 1:30.>
* * *
Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner, after reducing the asking price of his house to less than he paid for it five years ago, has taken it off the market and rented it. Great. The guy in charge of leading us out of the housing crisis is as effed* as the rest of us.
*Screwed/boned/in as deep/no smarter than/etc.
* * *
In his latest audio message, Osama bin Laden warns Americans to prepare for war, saying the policies of Obama are no different from those of George W. Bush. (or audio) Showing that the recording is relatively recent, bin Laden makes reference to the SWat Valley and criticizes the first new Tonight Show for not including his favorite bit, the Masturbating Bear.
* * *
Citing the difficulty of recovering black boxes from the ocean floor, officials say they may never discover why Air France flight 447 crashed, and that they are baffled by the lack of a mayday call. BUT, Air France *has* confirmed receiving a warning of a bomb on *another* South American Air France flight last week. How long does it take to put deux and deux together?
* * *
As a goodwill gesture to Iran, President Obama acknowledged the 1953 coup in which the CIA overthrew the elected government of Prime Minister Mohammad Mossadegh after Mossadegh nationalised the oil industry. The coup was the beginning of the rift between the US and Iran, and also marked the last time the CIA did anything right.
* * *
Obama has offered improved ties with Iran if it first “unclenches its fist.” So far, Iran has responded by unclenching one finger from its fist.
* * *
In response, Iran’s supreme leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, said that quote “Nothing will change with speeches and slogans.” He said this, apparently without irony, during a lengthy, slogan-filled speech.  Â
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The IRS is working on new rules to reduce mistakes and combat fraud. Among the proposals: Requiring that paid tax preparers be licensed and registered. Inexplicably not among the proposals? SIMPLIFYING THE FREAKIN’ TAX CODE.
* * *
The French Foreign Minister said today there is no evidence of terrorism in recent Air France crash, although quote “no theory can be ruled out”. Oh? *I* think Donald Duck was sucked into an engine.  Can you rule *that* out, Monsieur Foreign Minister?
(Please enjoy creating the sound effect after “sucked into an engine”. Use Daffy if politically you shouldn’t use Donald.)
* * *
A new report says the swine flu outbreak has overwhelmed the U.S. health-care system. The report, apparently issued from a parallel universe, recommended President Oprah Winfrey take drastic and immediate action.
* * *
A week after the LPGA Tour Commissioner said she would “love it†if players Twittered during rounds, the players have generally rejected the idea. Which is smart. I Twitter when I play golf. Let me read an excerpt: (bleep) (slide whistle) (alert horn) (hockey goal) (bleep)
* * *
Wal-Mart said Thursday it’s quote “confident and hopeful” about entering the Russian market. So was Napoleon. So was Hitler.  But hey, good luck, Wal-Mart.
* * *
(Speaking of Hitler,) LIFE magazine has released never-before-published photographs of Adolf Hitler taken between 1936 and 1945. That’s worrisome, because the phrase “released never-before-published photographs” generally means somebody famous is naked, and ew.
* * *
In a July Good Housekeeping article featuring the Jonas Brothers, their mother Denise says “They have desires. They have testosterone. I don’t think they are above or below being seduced.” Move over Joe Simpson: There’s a new creepy stage parent in town!
* * *
It’s official: Whitney Houston’s comeback album drops September first.  The album features collaborations with David Foster, R. Kelly, and Diane Warren, and could restore an image destroyed by a turbulent, drug-fueled marriage to Bobby Brown. Wow.  How bad have things gotten when *R. Kelly* is your image rehab?
* * *
Lightning storms in California have caused one death and multiple injuries over the past few days. Analysts agree that God is expressing an opinion, but cannot reach agreement on what exactly He is trying to tell us.
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Judge Sonia Sotomayor has completed the Senate Judiciary committee’s application. The questionnaire, required of all federal judicial nominees, covers topics including the judge’s net worth, personal top ten rulings, number of tattoos, and whether or not they have ever skinny-dipped.