After the ceremony at Obama Beach, the President and his family toured Paris, visited Notre Dame and the Pompidou Center, and had dinner under the Eiffel Tower. The First Lady and her daughters remained in Paris an extra day to shop. Of the six million unemployed Americans at home, no one actualliy *said* “Let them eat cake”, but they might as well have.Â
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In its first report to Congress, the independent Wartime Contracting Commission will present a bleak assessment of US defense spending, documenting poor management, weak oversight, and a failure to learn from past mistakes. The report also concluded that water is wet, the sky is blue, and airline food is terrible.
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Secretary of State Hillary Clinton says the US is looking at restoring North Korea to the list of state sponsors of terrorism. The list currently reads Cuba, Iran, Sudan, and Syria, and North Korea would debut at number five, though they could move higher in the poll with a win over Japan or South Korea. <SFX Casey Kasem: “And now, on with the countdown.”)
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Heidi Montag was rushed to a hospital during filming of “I’m a Celebrity . Get Me Out of Here!” after convulsively throwing up. Montag reportedly fell ill after she and husband Spencer Pratt were held in a dark room overnight with only water, rice and beans. Of the pair, a spokesman for NBC said <SFX: GS Hartman “You are pukes. You are the lowest form of life on Earth. You are not even human —— beings.”)
(Push that to the rest of the quote if you can get away with a couple bleeps, or editing it entirely…)
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Despite reports of Americans turning their backs on gas-guzzlers, Toyota reports that US sales of the Prius are down more than 45 per cent from this time last year, proving that smug NPR-listening Nader-supporting pot-smoking ecoweenies aren’t buying any more cars than anyone else.
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The New York City Parks Department posted notice that swimming isn’t permitted at Coney Island or nearby Manhattan Beach because they may be contaminated by raw sewage. If your sewage is overflowing so much you have to close the beaches, New York, you’re gonna need a bigger bowl.Â
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The world’s airlines expect to lose nine billion dollars, collectively, in 2009, of which North American-based airlines will lose one billion. And to think I get mad when they lose a *suitcase*.
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President Obama has promised to create more than six hundred thousand new jobs this summer. Six hundred thousand summer jobs? How many camp counselors and house painters does the US *need*?
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North Korea has sentenced two female reporters for Al Gore’s media venture, Current TV, to twelve years of hard labor. You know, Al, a real man would offer himself in exchange for their freedom. (beat) (singsong) We’re wai-ting…
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The sale of Chrysler to Fiat was delayed by Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. The Justice cited the need to “think about it”. Chrysler countered with an offer of free floormats and rustproofing undercoat.
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“American Idol”’s Adam Lambert has come out as gay. (Clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G9k1VkwYkOk) (beat) (beat) (heavy sarcasm) HIM? No!
(”No!” like “Well, duh!”, not like “Please God No!”)
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Sully Sullenberger, the pilot who heroically landed flight 1549 on the Hudson River following a midair with Canada geese, yesterday credited the passengers and flight crew for the plane’s safe evacuation. A spokesman for the late geese, however, described Sullenberger’s actions as (SFX?) “dispicable”.
(http://simplythebest.net/sounds/WAV/WAV_files/cartoon_WAV_files/despicable.wav)
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GM has named a new chairman, former AT&T CEO Edward Whitacre Jr. Whitacre immediately displaces Barack Obama atop the Worst Job In America list.
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Though unemployment rates continue to rise despite unprecendented spending, President Obama says that his economic plan is on track. Waitaminute: Steadily rising unemployment, regular bailouts, and government takeover of American industry mean the plan is ON TRACK?   WHAT PLAN IS THIS? I NEVER HEARD ABOUT *THIS* PLAN!
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Â
Since February, President Obama’s disapproval rating on the economy has risen from thirty to forty-two percent. Don’t you wish you could buy stock in *that*?
(Slightly more cerebral punch, after “percent”: “The (redacted) Rating Service lists President Obama’s Disapproval Rating as a *very* Strong Buy.”)
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In the last ten years, colorectal cancer rates have risen fastest in people younger than thirty, proving once and for all that adulthood is, in fact, a real pain in the ass.
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At least two people were shot by an 89-year-old white supremacist who entered Washington’s Holocaust Museum and opened fire quote “indiscriminately”. Waitaminute. Is it *possible* for a white supremacist to fire “indiscriminately?”
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The Obama Justice Department has reportedly begun reading Miranda rights to terrorist targets captured in Afghanistan. These guys want to remain silent and lawyer up? Fine. I want them interrogated by Andy Sipowitz. They’ll WISH for waterboarding.
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When Khalid Sheikh Mohammad was captured, he reportedly said, “I’ll talk to you guys after I get to New York and see my lawyer.” Lawyer or no lawyer, Khalid, you should thank your lucky stars you got handed to the CIA and not the NYPD.
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The names of two passengers aboard the doomed Air France flight 447 are also on a highly-classified French list of Islamic terrorists. It may be coincidence, but it may also be the French government finally putting deux and deux together.Â
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“I don’t know anything about cars,†new GM chairman Edward Whitacre Jr said yesterday. That’s okay, Eddie. The guys you’re replacing didn’t know anything about business.Â
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The new chairman, a San Antonio native, does meet important qualifications other than automotive knowledge: He helped build AT&T, he is accustomed to dealing with regulators, and he has a short commute to Mexico.
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A bill allowing nonprofit stores in Rhode Island to sell marijuana to medical patients passed by a nearly unanimous margin. Don’t think those stores will stay nonprofit long…
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The fastest-growing segment of the U.S. job market is in so-called green-collar work. The clean-energy economy consists of sixteen sectors, including construction, agriculture, and waste managment. So Judge Smails was right: The world *does* need ditchdiggers, too.
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The Supreme court okayed the sale of Chrysler to Fiat. In related news, a recent J.D. Power Vehicle Owner Satisfaction Survey ranked Chrysler second to last. In last place? Fiat. You know how sometimes two of your friends get married, and you’re just relieved they’re off the market, even though you know how it’ll end? (SFX: Car accident.)
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“We are not capping pay,” says Treasury Secretary Geithner, instead saying the administration is just going to quote “ensure that compensation packages are closely aligned with the interest of shareholders.” So at least he and the executives whose pay he is allegedly not capping will speak the same language: Lying Management Bull(bleep).
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(SFX bed: Whoomp There It Is, or similar, plus cheering. Bonus points for “YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN!”)
(And finally) The World Health Organization has declared swine flu an official pandemic.  At Swine Flu headquarters, the news was greeted with jubilation. The swine flu organization has been working on this honor for weeks, and this is their reward. (SFX, Porky, http://www.waveevents.com/MyFilez/wavs/cartoon/thatsall.wav )
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The Red Wings and the Penguins meet tonight in Game Seven of the Stanley Cup finals. Do any two words excite hockey fans more than “Game Seven”?  I mean, besides “DETROIT SUCKS”?
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y1BFfTf8MNE , right around :20)
(Or “Beer, eh!”*. Or “Free Dentures!”  Or “Nice mullet!”)
(*http://wavs.unclebubby.com/strange-brew/)
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Business leaders say that if limits are passed on executive pay, those limits should also apply to the pay of labor union leaders. When sought for comment, the labor leaders were on break, then at lunch, and finally declined comment, saying commenting is not a union responsibility.
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Americans lost one-point-three-three trillion dollars in the first quarter of 2009 as the recession hit stock portfolios and dragged down home prices.  Reading that, I don’t know about the economy, but “*I’m* depressed.
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A woman who missed the Air France flight that crashed last week has been killed in a car accident in Austria. Those of you prone to paranoia will want to forget you heard that.
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California will suffer a financial “meltdown” if state lawmakers don’t cover the twenty-five billion dollar budget deficit. Sacramento politicians have to decide between unpopular tax increases, unpopular program cuts, or insanely irresponsible borrowing.  Hmmmm…I wonder which one they’ll choose.
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Sonny & Cher’s daughter Chastity is changing gender from female to male, a transition generally involving hormone therapy and surgery. Of course, she could change her species and she still wouldn’t have surgically altered her appearance as much as her mother.
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To avoid the type of collision that caused an airliner to ditch in the Hudson River, New York City plans to trap and kill two thousand Canada geese. A lone protestor called the plan <SFX> “dispicable”.  (Yes, I love this gag.  Sue me. http://www.waveevents.com/MyFilez/wavs/cartoon/despicbl.wav)