President Obama is defending his Consumer Financial Protection Agency, saying it would ban “those ridiculous contracts — pages of fine print that no one can figure out”*. Asked if government agencies would lead by example, the President responded <SFX: Hysterical laughter.  Or “Yeah – and monkeys…” http://www.rpmswavs.com/waynesworld/flyoutbutt.wav )
*(Quote from his weekly radio address.)
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Apple CEO Steve Jobs had a liver transplant about two months ago. The installation of Liver 2.0 was necessary to patch cumulative endocrine errors, and is expected to improve processing time and lengthen the overall lifespan of the system.
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Investigators are speculating over how E. coli 0157, a bacterium from the intestines of cattle, could have ended up in Nestlé’s cookie dough. (air horn) WARNING! WARNING! If you enjoy cookie dough, DO NOT SPECULATE ON THIS AT HOME!
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Construction is underway in New Mexico on Spaceport America, the launch facility for Virgin Galactic. Tickets for a suborbital spaceflight will cost two hundred thousand dollars, allowing the very wealthy to ostentatiously go where no poor person has gone before.
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Oprah Winfrey is taking her whole staff with her on vacation. They left Saturday for a Mediterranean cruise. Onboard activities include shuffleboard, casino gaming, crying, and not noticing how many trips *someone* makes to the dessert buffet.
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The ACLU is suing the TSA, alleging Ron Paul’s development director was detained unlawfully because he would not explain why he was carrying $4700 in a box. The TSA ironically refused comment on why it detained Steven Beirfeldt for refusing comment.
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A new study finds that very skinny people die younger than very fat people, and that being slightly overweight as an adult is the healthiest option. The chubby-chasing study was performed at Tohoku University, and god bless them for it.
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The Gosselins, of “John and Kate Plus Eight”, have filed for divorce. Plans to retitle the show “John and Kate Plus Eight Divided By Two” were scrapped after focus groups revealed that the show’s fans found math quote “impossible”.
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A spokesman for Al-Qaeda said that if they could, Al Qaeda would use Pakistan’s nuclear weapons against the US. He also said they would use space lasers, killer robots, and Godzilla. If they had them. Then he returned to his cave and piled up throwing rocks.
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Goldman Sachs staffers are looking forward to the biggest bonus payouts in the firm’s history after record-setting profits. The firm considered changing its name upon paying the giant bonuses, but their first choice, “Target”, was already taken.
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(Swoony)
Tiger Woods came in in a tie for sixth at in the U.S. Open at Bethpage Black.  Woods finished at even par, four shots behind the winner, whatzhis name. Who cares. Wasn’t Tiger. Remember when he won with a broken leg last year? That was *awesome*.  Â
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The Black Eyed Peas’ manager is charged with assault after allegedly giving blogger Perez Hilton a black eye. His legal defense fund, Friends Of Anyone Who Punched Perez Hilton, is expected to top one billion dollars in donations sometime today.
Â
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An unmanned reconnaissance drone is being tested to see if it could be used to monitor suspicious activity along the U.S. Canadian border in New York State. The hope is to improve on the current monitoring system, a Customs agent asleep in a gatehouse.
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V1:
President Obama talked about quitting smoking as he signed the nation’s strongest-ever anti-smoking bill yesterday. By the way, he’s holding a press conference today, and with Iran, North Korea, and health care reform on the questioners’ agenda, there’s no chance he gets through it without sneaking a butt in the Rose Garden.
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V2:
President Obama talked about quitting smoking as he signed the nation’s strongest-ever anti-smoking bill yesterday. <audio?> But considering he has the most stressful job on the planet, we suspect he’s sneaked at least as many butts as Bill Clinton.
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Ryan O’Neal and longtime love Farrah Fawcett are getting married. “I’ve asked her to marry me, again, and she’s agreed,” O’Neal told Barbara Walters on 20/20. Actually, her response to his repeated proposals, “Over my dead body”, has never wavered.Â
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Using knowledge gleaned from brewing elephant poop into biofuel, researchers in Copenhagen are now doing the same thing with a South Pacific fungus. The primary implication of this story is that I have drunk my last Carlsberg.Â
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<SFX: Tonight Show theme>
And finally, Tonight Show sidekick Ed McMahon has died. Boy, was he old! (pause) I think you all said that at the same time. Much more fitting than a moment of silence, don’t you think?
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MySpace announced today that it will eliminate two thirds of its international workforce. As a sign of the company’s problems, the fired employees were notified via Facebook.
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Boeing says that the 787 “Dreamliner” will miss its first scheduled flight next week. Wow, not even in the air yet and your flight is already delayed. Next thing you know they’ll be losing your bag before you pack. Ain’t technology something?
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Harvard will cut nearly three hundred jobs after the financial crisis wreaked havoc on the university’s multibillion-dollar endowment. Waitaminute. All those Ivy League geniuses and NOT ONE SAW THIS COMING? What they should cut is tuition.
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Two Democratic representatives want Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac to relax mortgage standards on new condominiums. <SFX: Squealing brakes> Are you kidding me? ARE YOU <BLEEP>ING KIDDING ME? DO YOU PEOPLE NOT READ THE <BLEEP> NEWSPAPER?  God, I’m so mad I forgot my punchline.
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Warren Buffett said the economy isn’t moving yet, the nation should focus on jobs, deflation isn’t a worry, and that he still believes in the market long-term. Buffett then praised the Fed before closing the show with “Margaritaville”.
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Moody’s Investors Service says there is “no credible alternative†to the dollar as the world’s currency standard.  Ironically, “no credible alternative†is also how we got our (current/last two/last three/last four) President(s).
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In a huge upset, the U.S. defeated top-ranked Spain 2-0 in soccer’s Confederation Cup. This would be just like the Miracle on Ice, if Americans hated Spain, or cared about soccer.
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The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences will nominate ten movies for Best Picture next year, instead of five. Can you find ten decent movies nowadays? I think expanding the field to ten means something with talking dogs gets nominated.
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President Obama sent a letter to Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, weeks before this month’s disputed election. Little is known about the letter’s contents, except that it began “Hello Mullah (s-f-x) Hello Fatwa (s-f-x)”.
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First he said he was camping, then writing, then traveling to clear his head, and all with his cellphones turned off. Now South Carolina Governor Mark Sandford has admitted to an affair. It would not have taken MY wife a week to figure this one out.
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(Music: Jackson 5, ABC)
So the King of Pop is dead.  Yes, he was weird. Yes, he was creepy.  Yes, he had issues. Yes, he looked kinda like an alien. But for one day, let’s just give him a break, and remember he did give us this song, and this. song. *rocks*.
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Democrats are hustling cap-and-trade legislation out of committee, and the House could vote as early as today on the bill some call the largest tax increase in history. (rueful laugh)  Yeah, don’t expect *that* record to last long.
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California’s controller says that beginning next week the state will have to issue IOUs in lieu of paying the bills. They’ll be fine. I have a deadbeat brother in law in California who’s been doing that for years.
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LeBron James and Shaquille O’Neal are now teammates. The Cavaliers traded for the superstar center so they had a player big enough for LeBron to be able to see him all the way from Madison Square Garden next year.
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Apple has finally added pornography to the iTunes App Store. (SFX, Homer, Woohoo!)Â The app, Hottest Girls, costs two bucks and includes more than two thousand images of girls who wouldn’t have anything to do with a guy who pays to look at porn on a phone.