Blood And Thunder

‘Sweird, writing for an audience that’s dumber and more easily upset than you people.   Not sure what to do about it….

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Democratic strategist James Carville is now advising the campaign of a U.S.-educated rival to Afghan President Hamid Karzai.  Carville’s first advice to former Afghan Finance Minister Ashraf Ghani? <chuckle> I think we can guess.

(Alt: Carville’s first advice to former Afghan Finance Minister Ashraf Ghani?  “Keep it in your robes, Ashraf.”)

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(SFX pairing: Marvin Gaye, Let’s Get It On)

In Japan, pornography fans lead surging *mobile* bandwidth demand. Mobile pornography revenues will rise to $4.9 billion globally over five years – boy, am I in the wrong business – but may lead to battles over download limits.  Remember when just *talking* on the phone in public was inappropriate? 

(There’s a hands-free joke bonanza here.   Pick one you can get away with.)

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India plans to borrow a record 4.51 trillion rupees ($93 billion) to fund spending on roads, power and aid for the poor, causing their deficit to rise to 6.8 percent of GDP.  Bread and circuses. Welcome to the first world, India.  It’s all downhill from here.

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V1:
This fall, University of Chicago students will be allowed to live in coed dorm *rooms*.  Hang on.  Where’s that application?  (SFX: Paper crumpling.)   Honey?   I’ve been thinking.  Yale’s a better choice. 

V2:
University of Chicago now has coed dorm *rooms*, saying some transgender students are uncomfortable rooming with students of the same biological sex.  Understandable.  I would’ve been more comfortable rooming with girls in college. WAAAY more comfortable.
(SFX, Yello, “Ohhhhhhh, Yeah.”) 

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The Tribune company will sell the Chicago Cubs and Wrigley Field to Tom Ricketts for about nine hundred million dollars.  The final hurdle was that Ricketts had to promise *not* to preserve *any* of the character and traditions of that hundred-year slopfest.

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During President Obama’s visit, he and Russian leaders have agreed to fight terrorism, stop drug trafficking, and cut stocks of nuclear weapons. So it doesn’t look like the Russians will be movie villains again anytime soon. GOD, Russians were the *best* bad guys, weren’t they?

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New York Congressman Peter King is upset about Michael Jackson: “He was a pervert, (edit) he was a pedophile. And to be giving this much coverage to him (edit) what does it say about us as a country?” Let’s see what it says: Love celebrities, check. Love scandal, check. Forgiving, check. No surprises. How long have you lived in America, Peter?

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(SFX pairing: Carny music and “Step right up, step right up!”)

Researchers are using public records, including Facebook, to correctly predict the first five digits of people’s Social Security numbers forty-four percent of the time.  Try it! If they guess wrong, you win a stuffed Spongebob.  If they guess right, it only costs you one thin dime, plus your credit rating.

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A new study by the National Acadamy of Sciences suggests setting a cap on the greenhouse gases each *person* could emit in order to limit global emissions.  In response, let me just emit a little of my own greenhouse gas in their general direction.

(Alt punch, after “limit global emissions”: “Ban fossil fuels, take my SUV, but you will have to pry black bean dip from my cold dead fingers.”)

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In economic news, the NBA announced it will *lower* its salary cap for 2010, sending luxury car and paternity suit stocks tumbling sharply.

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Pope Benedict told bishops that the Catholic church has to learn to use the Internet properly.  This came after the Pontiff inadvertently brought a plague of spyware upon the Vatican when verily he opened an attachment sent unto him by someone he didn’t know.

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A scary new report says federal investigators trying to sneak bombs past federal security into federal buildings were a perfect ten for ten.  What’s it say about our government that any time you hear the word “federal” three times in one sentence, you *know* the story’s going to be about really spectacular incompetence?

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In one case, the GAO report says, a guard was caught using government computers to manage a for-profit adult Web site while on duty.  Okay, he can stay.  That guy’s got some cojones.  The rest of you: fired.

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“The governor’s not against fruits of any kind.”  So said a spokesman for Governor Schwartzenegger, yesterday.  Thanks for clarifying your position on gay marriage.  Can we get back to the budget deficit now, please?

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Israel is rumored to be considering waging cyberwarfare on Iran, rather than the tradional bomb and plane kind.   And you thought all that time your kid spent playing World of Warcraft was wasted.

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V2, delightful to me but possibly more obscure than you want to go:

“Israel is rumored to be considering waging cyberwarfare on Iran, rather than the tradional kind. The concern, of course, is that the elaborate plan will be thwarted if anyone isn’t paying attention at the rigth time”  (SFX: LeeeeeeROY Jenkins!)

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Saudi Arabia’s religious police plan to step up their anti-vice patrols this summer, especially of outdoor gatherings for public entertainment.  I thought Taste of Chicago has a lot of rules.  Taste of Sharia sounds a lot worse.

*****

More than thirty million people tuned in to coverage of Michael Jackson’s memorial service, making it the second most-watched funeral ever, behind only Princess Diana’s.  And I for one an OUTRAGED that their princess beat our princess.

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The death of Steve McNair has been classed as a murder-suicide.  McNair was shot twice in the head and twice in the chest; his girlfriend was shot once in her right temple.  *sigh*  The old forty-one deucer nutjob girl right, from the shotgun, on two. Very sad.

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The IMF pulled more numbers out of its butt yesterday and said that the global economic rebound next year will be stronger than it forecast in April.  The next magic eight ball reading from the IMF will come in September.  In other words, Ask Again Later.

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And finally, a New Jersey man fell into a vat of melted chocolate and died yesterday.  The man was one of four workers on a platform above the vat when he fell in.  There was no sign of foul play, but police *are* seeking three Oompa-Loompas for questioning.

(Music: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qw0zZttfUaw )

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El Nino is back.  Scientists say that the warm Pacific current, which can  affect weather around the world, has returned.  So get ready for a long, hard winter of coworkers making dumb El Nino jokes.

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Oscar Mayer has died at ninety-five.   In accordance with his wishes, the Wienermobile will not appear at his funeral.  He will instead be cremated over natural hardwood charcoal, and laid to rest on a soft white bun.

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A new study says drastically cutting calories prolongs life. A chemical in red wine offers the same benefit, but only if you drink more than a hundred bottles a day. Tough choice.  I’m not sure how long I’ll live, but what the hell. Corkscrew, please.

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To keep junk food out of schools, the U.S. Agriculture Department could be given the power to regulate *all* food sold in schools, including vending machine snacks.  All right, the nanny state just went a little too far.  Give me Funyons or give me death!

(No Fritos, no peace?)

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As if things weren’t going well enough for California, scientists report a spike in tremors in the San Andreas Fault.  Not to worry, though, I’m pretty sure it’s just Frank Sinatra, listening to people call Michael Jackson the greatest singer ever and spinning in his grave.

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Warren Buffet is cautiously backing the idea of a second stimulus bill, saying the first one “was sort of like taking half a tablet of Viagra and having also a bunch of candy mixed in.” Isn’t that what Michael Jackson’s doctor prescribed?

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House Speaker Nancy Pelosi stopped a resolution honoring Michael Jackson, drawing outrage from the Congressional Black and/or White Freakshow Caucus.

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According to a daily tracking poll, 30% of Americans “strongly approve” of the way Barack Obama is performing as president, while 38% “strongly disapprove.”  So don’t feel bad about *your* mortgage. Barack is upside-down* with the whole *country*.

*Or “underwater”, as you wish. 

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Officials are planning to announce the launch of “the new GM” this morning.  Once the court approves the sale of the automaker, the “new GM” is expected to celebrate for ten minutes and then immediately file for bankruptcy.

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An attorney for Senator John Ensign says the senator’s parents gave his mistress nearly $100,000. He says the money wasn’t campaign funds, and that Ensign has complied with all applicable laws and Senate ethics rules. Oh, fine then. No rules broken. I’m sure this’ll blow right over.

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Microsoft’s CEO says that very soon, computers will be able to intuit what you’re trying to find online. I know what I want to find on line.  I just want to know that my PC won’t rat me out for it.

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In Michael Moore’s newest documentary, “Capitalism: A Love Story.” Moore tackles what he sees as the origins of the global recession, America’s love of the free market.  Somehow I think the free market’s going to have the last laugh here.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, July 28th, 2009 at 5:02 pm and is filed under You Are *So* Weird. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.