Month-old monologue jokes….get ‘em while they last.
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“Let me start by dispelling the outlandish rumors that reform will promote euthanasia, or cut Medicaid, or bring about a government takeover of health care.” That’s President Obama, from his weekly radio address. In related news, all time-NFL sack leader Bruce Smith was inducted into the Football Hall of Fame this weekend, though his speech was *much* less defensive.
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“G.I. Joe” took in fifty-six million domestically at the box office this weekend, blasting past a hundred million worldwide. It’s the number one movie in Russia, China, and South Korea. GI Joe stars Channing Tatum and Marlon Wayans, and was directed by Stephen Sommers. A lot of information, I realize, but now you know. (SFX: And knowing is half the battle.)
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Michael Jackson’s friend Mark Lester says he’s the biological father of Michael’s daughter Paris. Lester claims he donated sperm to help the late singer have children. For those of you scoring at home, someone has now claimed to *have* had sex with Michael Jackson, someone has claimed to have *not* had sex with Michael Jackson, and someone has claimed to have had sex *for* Michael Jackson.
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Sarah Palin called Obama’s health care plan “downright evil” on Facebook, accusing him of creating a “death panel” to deny care. Sarah’s adept use of Facebook and Twitter is considered a strong indication that, come 2012, she will run for senior class president.
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Taliban chief Baitullah Mehsud was reportedly killed last week while getting a rubdown. No word on who provided the massage, but a CIA drone provided the happy ending.
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Nearly two years before the riot that left 175 inmates injured, a report warned state officials that the prison at Chino was a “disturbance waiting to happen,â€. The primary concern? That the place was filled with criminals! Hope you didn’t pay too much for that report, California.
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Reviews of the much-anticipated Guitar Hero Five are starting to roll out, and so far they’re positive. The game includes eighty-five new songs, a multiplayer mode, and a groupie mode I can’t say anything about except wow, have we come a long way since Pong.
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President Obama says that he doesn’t find Canadians scary, but that they’re being used as a bogeyman in the health care debate. I don’t think that’s fair, Mr. President. I don’t find Canadians scary. Well, okay, maybe Pamela Anderson.
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Worker productivity, the metric used to calculate employee output per hour worked, grew at the fastest pace in almost six years last quarter as employers slashed payrolls. Also near record highs among US workers: Panic attacks, chest pains, and night terrors.
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The Blue Brain project has spent years replicating a mammalian brain using some of the world’s most powerful computers, and now the Project has announced plans to build an electronic human brain inside ten years. Sadly, too late to save Lindsay Lohan.
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Google has revealed its next-generation internet search tool, which is faster and more comprehensive than the current search engine. So now when you Google “Jessica Simpson Naked” you’ll get tons more spam, advertising, and spyware, twice as fast!
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Rapper “C-Murder” has been convicted of his namesake crime in a 2002 nightclub shooting. The jury reached the verdict immediately after hearing the defendant’s name.
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Wall Street took its biggest loss in five weeks ahead of Wednesday’s Federal Reserve meeting. Analysts, who don’t know anything, say that traders, who also don’t know anything, are concerned that the Fed, who doesn’t know anything either, will do something. But they couldn’t say what. God, I hate doing the business news.
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Hoping to reassure Americans that private insurers can compete with a government plan, the President said “UPS and FedEx are doing just fine…It’s the Post Office that’s always having problems.” A Secret Service agent attempted to throw himself between the President’s bullet and the Presidential foot, but he was too slow.
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In a shocking claim that would change the auto industry as we know it, General Motors said yesterday that the Chevy Volt gets two hundred and thirty miles per gallon in city driving. And really, if you can’t believe miraculous claims made by a company on the verge of insolvency three months ago, what can you believe?
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A new study says that aspirin can not only help prevent colorectal cancers, but also can improve colorectal cancer survival rates by as much as fifty percent. I don’t know about you, but I’m going to start using preventative aspirin immediately. Thank GOD the study didn’t recommend apples.
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Germany has revealed an ambitious new plan to showcase the country’s technological and scientific skills. Breathe easy, Poland, they’re just sending robots to the moon.
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Two of California’s top gay rights groups disagree over when to next try overturning California’s ban on gay marriage. The Courage Campaign is ready right now, but Equality California wants to take it slow. Take it from me, guys, that happens with marriage.
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JetBlue is offering a six-hundred dollar all-you-can-fly pass for one month of unlimited travel. The pass allows travelers to visit any of the airline’s 56 destinations. The only catch is that you have to fly JetBlue.
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An accountant who denounced Bernie Madoff in court now reveals that she and the Ponzi mastermind had an affair. The details will be in her book, which is due to hit stores August 25, and is titled, “Screwed Then Effed By Bernie Madoff”.
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In a new poll of Dutch adults, eighty-eight percent said the thing they enjoy most in life is “going to the bathroom”. The potty stop ranked ahead of ‘time with friends’, ‘outdoor recreation’, and ‘having sex’, thus making number two…number one.