Blood And Thunder

Went all in with this one.   About 85% is mine.  Very representative.    Quite pleased. (Right click/”Save Target As…”)

Here’s some more.  Some used, some just shoulda been.

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Space shuttle Discovery arrived at the International Space Station on Sunday, which is also the orbiter’s 25th birthday.  Discovery is expected to spend the day quietly repairing its heat shield, a marked change from four years ago, when Atlantis and Endeavor had to carry Discovery home after the traditional twenty-one Tang-and-vodka “moon shots”.

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The Sunday Times reported that the British government decided to allow the Lockerbie bomber to go home after a multibillion-dollar deal giving oil exploration rights to British Petroleum fell through. The trade sent Abdel Basset al-Megrahi to Libya in exchange for Britain’s integrity and a treaty to be named later.

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Scientists using an atomic microscope have captured the first close-up photograph of a  molecule.  The molecule, of a substance called pentacene, issued a statement decrying the quote “Atomerazzi” and asked scientists to please respect its privacy.

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Disney has acquired comic book giant Marvel, creator of Spider-Man, X-Men, and the Incredible Hulk, among others, for four billion dollars.  The deal was on the rocks until frustrated Disney CEO Bob Iger warned Marvel execs “Don’t make me angry.  You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry”.

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LA County firefighters are trying to keep wildfires from overrunning Mount Wilson, the location of dozens of TV and radio transmi-BZZZZT.  (beat)  Just playing.  So far, so good.  Thanks, guys.

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Speaking on health care reform, Bill Clinton told Democrats “Doing nothing is not only the worst thing we can do for the economy, it’s the worst thing we can do for the country. It’s also the worst thing we can do for the Democrats.”   And if anyone’s an expert on doing things that hurt Democrats, it’s Bill Clinton. 

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Madonna is touring the Holy Land with Jee-zus, as the pair…what?  Oh.  ‘Scuse me.  Hay-zoose.  Her husband.  Wrong guy.  And come to think of it, wrong Madonna.

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Making tour stops in Israel for the first time since 1993, Madonna taking some extra time to visit religious sites before meeting with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, who has apparently LOST HIS FREAKIN’ MIND.  Bibi…bubelah…”Like a prayer” is not really about praying. 

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The Shanghai Composite has slumped twenty-three percent since August fourth, meaning China is officially in a bear market.  Analysts are not hopeful for a quick recovery from the bear market, fearing that Chinese investors will remove the bear’s gallbladder to sell on the black market as a folk remedy for impotence.

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India’s space agency has ended their unmanned mission to map the surface of the moon.  Contact was lost with the probe two days ago, and support technicians have given up trying to reconnect with the probe, despite the probe’s repeated assurances that their calls were important to it.  Been there, guys.

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And finally, just when you thought Michael Jackson couldn’t get creepier, rumors have surfaced that Blanket’s biological dad is actually Macaulay Culkin. Culkin, godfather to Jacko’s other two children, has refused comment.  And now I need a shower.  (shudder)  And now you’ve heard it all…..

(I assume you cannot get away with implying that Culkin donated sperm to MJ in return for a similar donation some years ago, but you know that line better than I….)

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Saying millions of men undergo unnecessary treatment for otherwise harmless tumors, US researchers described prostate cancer screening as a “double-edged sword”.  And I just winced right along with my fellow over-forty male listeners.  Hey researchers: Could you compare prostate tests to something that isn’t sharp and pointy, please?

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The Department of Health and Human Services has a new ally in the fight against the spread of the H1N1 virus: Elmo.  (Audio: “Wash your hands…wash wash wash wash wash wash”)  And if you think that’s creepy, wait until you hear Ernie’s Prostate Cancer Awareness Month ad.  (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1R8zrVuWP4 — basically the first line.)

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Astronauts have shifted a giant chest of drawers from the space shuttle to the space station.  The chest contains eight tons of equipment and science experiments, which will be unloaded and replaced with equipment being returned to Earth.  Man, I thought it was a pain helping *my* friends move.

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The Duggar family, of TLC’s “Eighteen Kids and Counting”, is expecting their nineteenth child.  Wall Street analysts credit the family with singlehandedly improving US manufacturing statistics for August.

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(Music pairing: ACDC, “Highway to Hell”)

Georgetta Potoski, a cousin of Mary Jo Kopechne, the woman who died in Ted Kennedy’s car thirty years ago at Chappaquiddick, says she hopes the senator and her cousin are “now at peace.”  Georgetta, I hope so too, but there’s some chance they didn’t go to the same place. 

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(Music pairing: Steam, “Na na na na etc.”)

When asked by the Reno Gazette-Journal how the death of Ted Kennedy would affect the Democratic Party, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, who has clearly lost his mind, said quote “I think it’s going to help us”.  Maybe some Democrats, Harry, but I’m guessing that quote won’t be helping you any.

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(Music pairing: Olympic theme.  And finally.)

The IOC says there is no clear frontrunner so far to host the 2016 Olympic games.  Tokyo, Rio de Janeiro, Chicago and Madrid are the finalists.  The report says the four cities each have strengths and weaknesses, and before the final decision is made on October 2nd, there will need to be at least one more round of bribery.  <SFX: Ka-ching!>

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After successfully delivering the International Space Station’s new treadmill, the next mission facing shuttle astronauts was a spacewalk.  Fortunately, the walk ended without incident, unlike the last time a treadmill was deployed in space.  (SFX: JANE, STOP THIS CRAZY THING!  http://www.scarlet.nl/~ivo/sounds_STOP.au )

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In honor of Vermont’s legalization of gay marriage, Ben & Jerry have renamed “Chubby Hubby” “Hubby Hubby”.  Runner-up flavor ideas included  (I have no idea what you can get away with here.  Muffin Diver?  Double Nuts?  Controversy Swirl?  United Fruits?  Just stay away from the word “fudge”.)

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The SEC’s internal watchdog says the agency overlooked ample evidence of Bernie Madoff’s Ponzi scheme.   The missed signs included multiple formal complaints, an actual tip from a whistleblower, and Madoff’s 2007 SEC disclosure reports, which consisted of a cover page and six hundred xeroxed pictures of his butt.

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Curt Schilling, who in 2004 led the Red Sox to their first championship in eighty-six years, says he’s interested in running for the Senate seat vacated by Ted Kennedy. Schilling generally leans Republican, though, and if he thought the Red Sox had a history of failure, wait until he googles “conservative senators from Massachusetts”.

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Responding to complaints from unpaid car dealers, the government says it approved five hundred million dollars in Cash for Clunkers reimbursements.  The government also said that they had mailed the checks last month, so they don’t know what happened. Subsequent calls to the government were answered by someone who either said the government wasn’t home, or pretended not to speak English.

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You’ve heard of protestors giving the finger?  Yesterday, a protestor *took* the finger. During a literal fight over health care reform, William Rice lost half a pinky to biting criticism from another protestor. Showdowns like this illustrate the amazing bipartisan passion surrounding this debate, and all free-speaking Americans should join together in giving this man an admiring high four.

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Saying Michael Vick was “genuinely remorseful”, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced that the disgraced QB will be eligible to play in regular-season NFL games as of Week Three.  Vick has been suspended since August of 2007, which may not seem long, but remember that’s fourteen in dog years. 

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Republicans are calling President Obama’s back-to-school address to the nation’s students “an effort to foist a political agenda on children.” But I say, between politically correct history textbooks and science books featuring “intelligent design”, the President can’t say anything more harmful than the crap the kids’re going to hear the rest of the year.

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In a preview of his memoirs, Ted Kennedy expresses remorse for his actions at Chappaquiddick, says he ran for President in nineteen eighty in part because Jimmy Carter wasn’t pushing universal health care, and warmly endorses the Warren Commission’s findings on his brother John’s assassination in a strange, handwritten addition on the last pages of the book.  (SFX: X-files sting)

This entry was posted on Monday, September 28th, 2009 at 8:13 pm and is filed under More Bullshit. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.