Blood And Thunder

Winding down. Anybody know a good career counselor? Or a venture capitalist? Or Jack Kevorkian’s phone number?

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Music: Something ragtime filtered to sound like a Victrola. And if you have a paper cup handy, feel free to go with the full-on Walter Winchell filter.

Jubilation among the press corps today as President Obama expressed a willingness to bail out NEWSPAPERS, following a Senate bill that would give the classic fishwrappers massive tax breaks if they become nonprofit corporations. The President declined to comment specifically on other bailout targets, but it’s a new day for optimism for the whale-hunting industry, buggy-whip manufacturers, and poor beleaguered Studebaker.

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(Music: “Suicide is Painless”)

The British government has promised to review the country’s laws against assisted suicide by next spring. Among the issues: Ethical concerns surrounding government endorsement of suicide, fears that the right to take your own life could be abused by the families of the old and infirm, and accomodating the massive demand for the service from Detroit Lions fans.

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(Music: “Back Door Man”)

Aspirin can prevent a hereditary type of colorectal cancer. Patients using the drug daily had about one-third the cases of colon cancer after ten years than those who didn’t use it. I’m no doctor, but I’m going to start using preventative aspirin immediately. Thank god they’re small. Don’t know what I’d've done if the study reccommended broccoli.

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(”Knight Rider Theme”)

“America’s Got Talent” judge David Hasselhoff has once again been hospitalized due to alcohol poisoning. By the time paramedics were called to his home in Encino, the Hoff had reportedly been drunk for over twenty-four hours straight. A Hollywood friend has finally distanced himself, saying to Hasselhoff: “Michael, given the severity of the situation, I can no longer support your actions*” (Knight rider commercial outtro sting, which cannot be reproduced in text, even by me.)

*http://www.soundamerica.com/sounds/tvshows/Knight_Rider/Kseverity.wav

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(Music: Theme from Superman)

President Barack Obama told the U.N. summit on climate change that the United States understands the magnitude of the problem of global climate change, and is determined to *act*. So, for those of you scoring at home, that adds global warming to Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan, health care reform, Wall Street corruption, North Korean nukes, unfair lending practices, and the dying American auto industry on the list of things we don’t ever have to worry about again, because Barack Obama is on the job!

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(”One For My Baby”)

An Iowa couple is in trouble after leaving their four-month-old daughter in the car outside a bar while they got drunk. Investigators said employees got suspicious when the mother brought a baby bottle inside the bar, and one waitress looked outside and saw a baby in a BMW parked outside. The couple has been charged with misdemeanor child neglect…wait. This is ILLEGAL?

(SFX: Footsteps, door slam)

(”…make it one for my baby…and one more for the road.”)

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(”Rainy Day Women #12 & 35″)

The government has banned the sale of the flavored cigarettes that critics claim lure children and teenagers into smoking. The cigarettes came in such diverse “flavors” as lime, chocolate, toffee, and vanilla, and the hope among health officials is that the ban on what they call a “gateway” cigarette will cut down on teen smoking. Good call, guys — nothing keeps young people away from a smokable product like making it illegal.

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(Music: “Hungarian Rhapsody”, this version, starting at 5:47: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=byGI1mDi3no )

Gadhafi’s @ the UN….I would intersperse his speech with some Brick Tamland quotes from Anchorman (”I pooped a hammer”, “I ate a big red candle”, “I would like to extend to you an invitation to the pants party”, etc.)

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(”My Girl”)

Mackenzie Phillips…(shudder)…(deep breath)…Actress Mackenzie Phillips…oh dear god…*sigh*…Former child star Mackenzie Phillips…gahhhh. Come on, Roe, you can do it, you’re a professional. One Day At A Time’s Mackenz…Look, people, I just can’t. This story…I need a shower. And a martini. Google her or something. Ew.

(…”I guess you’d say, what can make me feel this way? My girl…”)

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And one long form:

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(“Auld Lang Syne”)

Today is Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement. Last week at Rosh Hashanah, Jews asked God for forgiveness, and today is the day he makes the decision and submits the paperwork. And since 5769 was kind of a rough year, I thought I’d file the atonement requests for some people who might have been too busy doing things they need to atone *for* to actually fill out the forms. Who’s sorry now, after this.

(Connie Francis, “Who’s Sorry Now?”)

Apologies from Hollywood include Nadya Suleiman, the Octomom, for having a litter, and also for that pregnancy picture that haunts me in my sleep. Also from Mackenzie Phillips, who took the Daddy’s Little Girl thing to a whole new low. Michael Jackson’s doctor, Conrad Murray, needs forgiveness for shooting up the King of Pop with enough sedative to kill a hippopotamus, even though his behavior did cause us to forgive Jacko for everything HE did during the last twenty years.

(Nirvana, ”All Apologies”)

The political subset starts with anyone who’s had anything to do with health care reform, whether they’re pushing it, pulling it, or biting off other people’s digits as a form of protest. Speaking of biting, President Obama is sorry for biting off more than anyone can chew, not that he plans to lay off doing it. Then there’s Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who probably doesn’t celebrate Jewish holidays, because he thinks Jews control global finance. How about you apologize for rigging elections and crushing protests, Mahmie, and let Wall Street atone for my 401k on their own? South Carolina Governor Mark Sandford is siento mucho por la mami caliente. Or at least, siento por getting caught.

(Brenda Lee, “I’m Sorry”)

I’ve said it before, but on behalf of the media, we’re real sorry about that whole swine flu panic. I’d also like to apologize for the geniuses behind Twitter, the TMI App of the Year. Brett Favre can’t decide whether to atone this year or next. No time like the present, Brett.

(Stones, “Sympathy for the Devil”)

And then there’s Bernie Madoff. In the spirit of forgiveness and a fresh slate…*naaaaah*. Bernie Madoff….go to hell.

(…pleased to meet you…can’t you guess my name…)

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And finally:

(”Shake Your Booty” – Zappaesque pun intended)

Al Qaeda has a new tactic for smuggling suicide bombs past airport and personal security. An attack made on a Saudi prince who heads the Kingdom’s counterterrorism operations involved a pound of high explosives plus a detonator hidden, um, somewhere very private. How do you combat this new threat? Let me put it this way: If you think airport security is invasive now, (chuckle), just you wait.

(”…shake shake shake….shake shake shake….”)

This entry was posted on Wednesday, October 14th, 2009 at 7:28 pm and is filed under Incoherent. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.