“Saturday Night’s Alright For Fighting”
* The House narrowly passed landmark health care legislation Saturday night that will expand coverage to most Americans and place tough new restrictions on the insurance industry. A triumphant Speaker Nancy Pelosi likened the legislation to the passage of Social Security and Medicare, two programs that have never had the *tiniest* bit of financial trouble.
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Debate was already underway on the House floor when President Obama held a closed-door meeting of the Democratic rank and file to make a final personal appeal to them to band together and pass his top domestic priority, likening them to the World Champion New York Yankees: “PART. OF. A. TEAM. (edit) I get nowhere unless the team wins,” before killing Dennis Kucinich with a baseball bat.
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zc9zF8G2Pvc)
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The Wall, “The Trial”, around 4:45. (”TEAR DOWN THE WALL!”)
Ironically, Germans are spending the day celebrating the demise of European Communism, celebrating the 20th anniversary of the Berlin Wall’s fall. Leaders from across the continent joined around 100,000 revellers at the Brandenburg Gate.  U2 has already given a free concert, and today’s ceremony will include speeches, fireworks, music, a symbolic toppling of the wall, and culminate in the invasion of Poland.
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“Who Are The People In Your Neighborhood?” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cs5kjsaNEL8)
It has long been fodder for standup comedians that people who knew serial killers are often shocked to learn the truth, saying things like “He seemed so nice.” Now we have a point of comparison: Friends, neighbors, and colleagues of Nidal Malik Hasan, the man accused of opening fire at Fort Hood, killing 13 – so far – and wounding 29 others, are basically unsuprised, with some even seeming to acknowledge having expected this. Wow. And I thought jokes about NOT expecting murderous rampages weren’t funny.
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“American Idiot”
Are you sitting down? Turns out U.S. intelligence agencies were aware *months* ago that Major Nidal Malik Hasan was attempting to make contact with al Qaeda.  No one knows if those intelligence agencies bothered to mention to the Army that one of its officers was seeking to connect with suspected al Qaeda, but I’m guessing no. Meanwhile, the Chief of the Department of Homeland Security, the bureaucracy tasked with, among other things, facilitiating communication between governement entities, has leapt into action, working feverishly to — I’m quoting here — “prevent a possible wave of anti-Muslim sentiment after the shootings at Fort Hood”. Glad she’s on the job. By the way, it took three martinis and a Xanax for me to relate that story without swearing.
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“Higher and Higher”
The markets jumped again yesterday after G-20 nations agreed to maintain economic stimulus efforts. Commodities, stocks, and treasuries all gained, and both the S&P and the Dow closed at or near 52-week highs.  What’s going on?  Well, one analyst attributes the gains to investors quote “being in a better mood”. You want to base global economic policy on a GOOD MOOD?  Anyone who’s ever been married can tell you how fast that can turn.
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“634-5789″
Israel is working on a warning system that will locate the imapct zone of inbound rockets and alert residents in the area via cellphone. Given the quality of MY cellphone service, I’m not sure this is going to end well: [Pick one from http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QRWRJtIY5to -- I like the third one  (tone) HELLO? WOT?  NO, I'M IN A RESTAURANT! WOT? (BOOM!)]
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“I’m Alright”Â
“Golf balls are humanity’s signature litter.” So said UK lawmaker Patrick Harvie to CNN. Researchers say it can take up to a thousand years for a lost golf ball to decompose, and when it does, it releases large quantities of toxic heavy metals into the environment. So what is the solution? Harvie suggested keeping balls on the fairway, which I would GLADLY do if I could. Other experts suggest that mankind stop losing so many balls by widening our stance and keeping our left arm straighter on our backswing.
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“Soulja Boy”
Today is Veterans’ Day, and I’d just like to take a moment to say “Thank you” to the brave men and women who have served in our country’s armed forces. You have defended our freedom time and time again, making the world safe for the rest of us slobs to lie around and watch your service on TV, or occasionally chant U-S-A U-S-A at sports teams. You do all the heavy lifting, and we get the freedom and the reputation. So along with the “Thank you”, I guess, on behalf of my lazy fellow Americans, basking in your reflected glory everywhere, let me add, we’re such douchebags. I’m so sorry. And thanks again.Â
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Bloodhound Gang’s Discovery Channel song:Â http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DSL4G50Xh0M
British scientists are studying how human DNA is used in animal experiments to determine exactly what the boundaries of such controversial science should be. Though such experiments have been going on for years, scientists at the Academy of Medical Sciences want to make sure the public is aware of what is happening in laboratories before proceeding further.  A spokesman for one lab said “It sounds yucky, but it may be well worth doing if it’s going to lead to a cure for something horrible.”  An animal subjected to one of the experiments, however, was more critical: (”I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!…” http://www.dailywav.com/0399/notaniml.wav )
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“Dead Man’s Party”
* Near miss for Earth! A previously undiscovered asteroid buzzed our home planet a couple of days ago, whipping by within eighty-seven-hundred miles of Earth. Fortunately, it sailed juuuuuust a bit outside, but what concerns me is that astronomers noticed it only FIFTEEN hours before it made its closest approach. See here, telescope-jockeys: I have BIG PLANS for the last days of Earth, and fifteen hours just isn’t enough time to find and kill all my enemies, eat my weight in Milk Duds, visit my mother, and make it home in time to fill the pool with jello for the big farewell orgy. I need AT LEAST two days warning, NASA. Lead time is why we buy you all the toys.
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“One Toke Over The Line”
In a major policy shift, the AMA is urging the federal government to reconsider its classification of marijuana as a dangerous drug with no accepted medical use. In changing its policy, the group said its goal was to clear the way to conduct clinical research. A blue ribbon panel of medical experts developed the AMA’s new recommendation, among them Dr. Feelgood, Dr. Dre, and the late Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, who defended the AMA’s move, saying “Once you get locked into a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can.”
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“Little Lies”
Massachusetts recipients of stimulus money collectively report 12,374 jobs saved or created, but a review by the Boston Globe found that organizations receiving stimulus money miscounted jobs, filed erroneous figures, or claimed jobs for work that had not yet started. For example, federal money that recipients were already receiving, like affordable housing subsidies, was reclassified this year as stimulus spending, as were the existing jobs already supported by those programs. Well….now we know who hired all the accountants that lost their jobs when they caught Bernie Madoff. Â
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“Money (That’s What I Want)”
A North Carolina middle school is selling *grades*. A $20 donation to Rosewood Middle School will get a student 20 test points, ten extra points on two tests of the student’s choosing. The system, which I propose be called “C-Bay”, was the result of looking for a new way to raise money after last year’s candy bar sales were disappointing. But if this doesn’t work, I’m concerned what they might sell next year. (SFX: Porn moan, or Meg Ryan screaming ‘YES! YES!’ “)
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“Bunny Hop”
Iconix Brand Group is in talks to buy Playboy. Analysts say Playboy could be an excellent value for Iconix despite declining circulation, as the Playboy bunny is still one of the world’s most recognizable brand icons, and could yield millions in retail and licensing. Iconix, however, says they’re just buying it for the articles.
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* More New York City kids are graduating from high school, but they’re still not learning much. During their first math class at one of City Uiniversity of New York’s four-year colleges, 90% of students tested couldn’t solve a simple algebra problem. The report suggests that the lack of math skills means the CUNY students could struggle in school, fail classes, drop out, or wind up as SEC auditors.
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“Nice beaver!” “Thank you. I just had it stuffed.”
Not so fast, guys. British researchers have raised concerns about the long-term effects of labioplasty, a cosmetic surgical procedure in which women, let’s just say, have a little taken off the bottom. The researchers suggest that counseling is a better alternative to women dissatisfied with their, um, southerly appearance. I propose the procedure be banned in America immediately, and without debate. I do NOT want to hear Nancy Pelosi talk about this. Or, (weakly) dear god, Hillary Clinton. (shudder)
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Theme from “Shaft”
* The federal watchdog for the $700 billion TARP financial industry bailout, Neil Barovsky, says people need be realistic about their expectations for payback, as the program is almost certainly going to result in a loss.  In other words, we the people who provided the money will not be recouping any of it.  Uh, Neil? We gave the money to politicians, who gave it to businessmen. We knew what we were going to get.
(”SHAFT! Ya damn right.”)Â
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“Entry Of The Gladiators” ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g094B573iWI )
* Ladies and gentlement, boys and girls, humans of all ages! Step right up, and SEE! Khalid Sheik Mohammed and four co-conspirators tried in New York City, blocks from Ground Zero! HEAR! The defense blame the CIA and the Bush administration!  FEEL! A little sick to your stomach at reliving this in The Greatest Show On High Alert! Â
(Stop music)
*God*, this trial is gonna be a…well, you know.
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“Ain’t Too Proud To Beg”…”Up For The Down Stroke”…”Big Bottom”…”Rape Me”…however far you can push the music, I would. Â
* President Obama is taking some heat for his deep, deferential bow upon meeting the Japanese Emperor this weekend from those who feel the American President should bow to no one. But considering that his next stop is a visit to the U.S.’s largest foreign lender, China, well, put it this way: If that bow is the most the president has to bend over on this trip, I’m okay with it.