“Angelina” ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIJzpdJIdmI )
Global humanitarian organizations are meeting Italy for the Rome Food Security Summit, where they hope to create action plans to deal with world hunger. A strategic mistake on their part, if you ask me, because both times *I*’ve been to Rome, I ate so much pasta fazool, pizza bianca, and gelato on day one that I was too full to even THINK about food for the rest of the trip.Â
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“Circle Game”
* General Motors generated $3.3 billion last quarter and announced plans to start repaying government loans early. That’s nice of them and all, and some analysts do say this is a good sign, but, considering at least some of that cash was Cash for Clunkers, doesn’t that mean GM is repaying a loan from the government with money that was a gift from the government? Seems it wasn’t so much bailout as an advance.
(”…round and round and round in the circle game…”)
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“Hallejulah Chorus” or “She Bop”, depending how much production you want to do and how many letters you want to get.
(HALLELUJAH! HALLEJULAH!) Pharmaceutical giant Boehringer has unveiled a female “desire pill”. (HALLELUJAH! HALLEJULAH!) Pooled results from three studies showed that women who took the drug had more sex AND wanted more sex. (HALLE-JU-LAH!) Boehringer plans to seek permission to sell the first female libido-enhancement drug, which may stir debate over whether or not diminished sexual desire is a legitimate medical condition. To which we at the Roe Report reply…who the f— cares?
(”…oo oo she do she bop she bop…)
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“Jaws” theme
(Daa-dum.) Here’s an unholy alliance; Comcast is teaming up with Ticketmaster. (Daa-dum) They’re supposedly just doing some manuevering to avoid violating antitrust laws, but the real reason I bring it up is to point out that hearing that Comcast is teaming up with Ticketmaster is like hearing that the IRS is teaming up with your mother-in-law: You don’t know exactly what’s going to happen, but you’re pretty sure you won’t like it.
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The Obama administration held a press conference yesterday and unveiled a new task force to crack down on financial crimes. Here’s a clip: (SFX: Superfriends wipe*) “Holy pyramid scheme, Taxman! Is that what I think it is?” “I’m afraid so, Robbing: Doctor Fraudulent returns!” (SFX: Superfriends wipe again)
* http://www.supermanhomepage.com/multimedia/Sounds/MP3/superfriends-stars.mp3
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Taxpayers spent almost fifty-six million dollars building the Pontiac Silverdome thirty-five years ago, and it sold yesterday for just $583,000. Analysts say the stadium might have fetched ten times that price if the buyer hadn’t also had to agree to accept the Detroit Lions, which were included free with purchase.
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“Short People”
Playgirl magazine confirms that Levi Johnston kept his johnston under wraps during his Playgirl shoot. The magazine says the shoot was quite tasteful and not at all risque. Obviously, it couldn’t be to preserve his dignity, so what other reason could there possibly have been to *not* have let it all hang out?
(”…short people got, no reason to liiiiiiiiiiiiiive….”)
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Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen has been diagnosed with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma and is undergoing chemotherapy. The billionaire investor left Microsoft more than 25 years ago after being diagnosed with Hodgkin’s disease, from which he recovered. Some doctors say this failure to keep doctors away is a direct result of Microsoft’s longstanding company policy banning apples. (rimshot) (slide whistle) (vaudeville exit music)
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“Go Cubs Go”
President Barack Obama believes that the prison at Guantanamo Bay can be closed “next year”. He also believes he’ll make a decision on boosting troop levels in Afghanistan by then, too, and also talked about “next year” as the time to expect a decrease in unemployment. You know, for a Chicagoan who claims to be a White Sox fan, this guy talks about next year more than Harry Caray.  (SFX: “Holy Cow!”)
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“I’m Too Sexy”
“Pirates of the Caribbean” star Johnny Depp reclaimed his title as People magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive” yesterday, an honor he first won in 2003. Depp, whom People described as “Hollywood’s most irresistible iconoclast” succeeded 2008 winner Hugh Jackman. Jackman finished third in the voting. I’d tell you who came in second, but (smug/exhale/polishing nails on shirt) I don’t wanna brag.
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“Walk Like An Egyptian”
Researchers for the American Heart Association gave 22 mummies CAT scans, and found something unexpected: Egyptians who lived 3,500 years ago had the same clogged arteries as modern Americans. The prevailing theory among medical historians is that heart disease among ancient Egyptians was due to Moses leading the Israelites out of Pharaoh’s land, leaving Egypt without a single cardiologist.
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“Lust for Life”
A failed antidepressant drug could instead be the female answer to Viagra. Women who took the drug flibanserin while it was being tested as an antidepressant reported a significant increase in libido. HOW can you call ANYTHING that makes women hornier a “failed antidepressant”. It’s makes me happy just thinking about it!
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* (SFX: Pac-Man start)
(SFX: Pac Man chomp)
Travelers were inconvenienced nationwide yesterday when an FAA computer crashed, causing widespread cancellations and delays, with some flights hours behind schedule. The FAA has declined to identify the exact source of the problem or describe it as anything more specific than a “computer glitch”…though if you’ve ever had a boring desk job, you may have a guess.
(SFX: Pac-man killed)
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“God Save The Queen/My Country,’Tis Of Thee” or “God Bless America” if that’s too cute.
(Actuality if you have one) Newly “elected” Afghan President Hamid Karzai’s inaugural speech was what we all expected: Pledges to crack down on corruption and promises to improve Afghanistan’s internal security forces. The high point of the speech was the sure to be famous line “Ask not what your country can do for you, but what American and British troops can do for your country.”
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“Mandy”
Oprah Winfrey’s interview with Sarah Palin scored Oprah her highest rating in two years. The former VP candidate and Alaskan governor drew Winfrey her best numbers since Winfrey had the entire Osmond family on the show. Seems you can’t go wrong pairing Oprah with really, really, *really* white people.  Next sweeps on Oprah: Mister. Barry. Manilow!
(Too edgy? “Cat Scratch Fever”
Proving it was indeed the daytime-TV viewer version of a heavyweight championship bout, Oprah Winfrey’s interview with Sarah Palin scored Oprah’s highest rating in two years. Winfrey began the interview by asking Palin (SFX: Mad cat), whereupon Palin replied (SFX: Mad cat). Winfrey responded, suggesting the former VP candidate, “(bleeeeeeeeeeep)”.Â
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“Fight For Your Right”
The International Atomic Energy Agency and Syria are throwing down over two sites in Syria where the IAEA found undeclared uranium.  Syria blames neighboring Israel, while the IAEA gently chides the terrorism-sponsoring nation, saying they think Syria is not telling the truth. Seriously. WHY ARE YOU TREATING THIS LIKE YOU FOUND A PENTHOUSE UNDER SYRIA’S BED? Will you ground them if they’re lying? Take away their allowance? TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY!
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“Hava Nagilah”
Downsizing and holiday cutbacks have reached the highest levels: The White House’s annual Hanukkah party is being cut back by half. To four nights. (rimshot)
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“Jeopardy” theme
* Democrats got the sixty votes they needed to move a health-care reform bill to the Senate floor for debate when the last two Democratic holdouts, Arkansas Senator Blanche Lincoln and Lousiana Senator Mary Landrieu, agreed not to join a Republican filibuster.  What will the two receive for their votes? (proper music/voice) Well, Roe, both ladies will receive millions in cash PLUS fabulous prizes, including state funding, bigger offices, and a lifetime supply of government pork!Â
(Easier punchline: Change “What will the two receive for their votes?” to “What was the turning point in negotiations?” and cut in as much of the “Show me the money” exchange in Jerry Maguire as you see fit)
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“For What It’s Worth”
* Unrest is increasing statewide in the University of California system. Students marched, chanted, confronted police, and took over buildings at UCLA and Berkeley after the UC Board of Regents (increasing incredulity) approved a 32% increase in student fees…? (outraged) You don’t go to college to protest against FEES!  You go to college to protest war, poverty, racism, and injustice, until you learn you can’t do anything about those things. Then you get a job, get married, raise kids, and send them to college.  And THAT’S when you get to protest the freakin’ fees.