We got it.
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Gipsy Kings, “Oh Eh Oh Eh”
FIFA President Sepp Blatter has called an emergency meeting to address concerns over allegations of match-fixing. Last week German authorities confirmed that they are investigating quote — I love this phrase — “irregularities in the football betting market”. This could be a HUGE story…if it was about the NFL, or, y’know, something anyone cared about. But it’s about soccer, so, (audible shrug), eh.
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(Pick a track from the punchline.)
Just 38% of voters now have a favororable view of the health care plan proposed by President Obama, the lowest level of support measured for the plan yet. This is the first time support for the plan has fallen below 40%. I propose we officially rename this bill the the Bob Dylan’s Christmas Album Health Care Reform Bill: The more of it you hear, the less of it you like.
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(Obvious)
In what they called an important step, scientists working on the Large Hadron Collider circulated two proton beams simultaneously in the LHC before smashing them into one another. Which, if I remember my physics correctly, is something to be avoided: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8jJ2WnRjzWs — one minute in, “Don’t cross the streams” to either “It Would be bad” or “Total Protinic Reversal” or “Important Safety Tip.”.
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Alt version if the audio’s too long:
Engineers working on the Large Hadron Collider circulated two proton beams simultaneously in the LHC’s 27km-long tunnel before smashing them into one another, successfully reversing the particle flow through the gate of the Temple of Zuul and sending Gozer the Gozarian back from whence she came. In a related development, the Department of Homeland Security has raised the Sta-Puft Marshmallow Man threat level to Red for the holiday weekend.
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Vera Lynn, “We’ll Meet Again”
Federal officials are investigating a radiation leak at Three Mile Island. The Nuclear Regulatory Commission sent a radiation specialist to the site and reported quote “No impact on public health and safety”. Which is approximately what they said in 1979. And what the Russians about Chernobyl. So, take it with a grain of iodine 131.
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“Turkey In The Straw”
President Obama is due to pardon the Presidential turkey today. While opponents have accused the President of secretly promoting a veganist agenda with his anticipated pardon, the President remains “undecided” on a course of action, and is cloistered at Camp David with advisors. The White House hopes to unveil plans for Thanksgiving dinner by February first.
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Senator James Inhofe says that he will press for a probe into whether the U.N.’s Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) “cooked the science” on climate change. Some say this could be the greatest scandal in modern science, replacing the time Albert Einstein publically said to Robert Oppenheimer “You couldn’t find Uranus with both hands and a telescope.” (rimshot)
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The White House is hosting the official state visit of Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh. The outdoor welcoming ceremony and receiving line were delayed by rain, but the President repeatedly assured the Indian Prime Minister that his visit was important to us, and the ceremony would begin as soon as possible, if he would please remain in the line.
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SFX: A heartbeat or EKG, with appropriate starts, sprints, and stops.
And finally, a new study shows that men who suppress anger at work, letting it “boil under the surfaceâ€, are five times more likely to suffer a heart attack than those who vent their frustrations. The Swedish survey, involving (SFX: Wrong music starts loud, a trumpet blat or something equally ridiculous.) Bleep. No, no, guys, it’s fine. No, I’m not mad. Let’s just start again from the top. It’s fine. Mistakes happen. Nothing to worry (thud)
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This one works better if you dramatically chop any music bed for the “audio”.
“Makin’ Whoopee”
I don’t want to get into the swirl of rumors surrounding Tiger Woods’ car accident — and, apparently, neither does Tiger — so I’m just going to let the audio of the accident speak for itself:
(quick fade music)
(ambient birdsong)
(golf-commentator voice)
“Tiger’s getting into the car now. Here’s the back up and (SFX: CRUNCH) oh, boy. (SFX: CRUNCH) Oh, dear. An uncharacteristically bad drive for Tiger. A water hazard into a tree. This’ll be a very difficult situation to get out of. He’s going to need a very good lie.”
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If you’re willing, by press time, to mention the rumor of Elin knocking out the back windshield with a golf club, more “audio”:
“She’s lining up her shot…looks like about a eight iron…tears in her eyes, I guess…she’s got a beautiful backswing…(GLASS CRASH)…oh she got all of that one! She’s *got* to be pleased with that.”
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“Party All The Time”
Michaele and Tareq Salahi, the aspiring reality-TV stars who crashed the White House’s state dinner, may be facing criminal charges. The problem is twofold: One, “party-crashing” isn’t technically a crime — thank God — and two, the couple is needed to be the star witnesses at the Secret Service’s trial for criminal incompetence.
By the way,if you’re going to crash a party, what happened to the Playboy Mansion? If I’m going to have a drunken threesome in the pool, I want Bridget and Holly, not Nancy and Hillary.
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“Hotel California”
The IRS has filed an $80,000 tax lien against Arnold Schwarzenegger. The lien references IRS code suggesting this may be a penalty for failing to report business transactions. So the Governator has a large and embarassing debt resulting from dumb financial moves? I don’t see how anyone can say he doesn’t represent California. He IS California.
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“Mo Money Mo Problems” or “Busted”
Dubai World’s announcement that it would delay repayment of its debt until at least May has sent investors on edge. The company’s roughly $60 billion in debt represents three-fourths of the nation’s total debt and…SIXTY BILLION DOLLARS? You’re upset about owing SIXTY BILLION DOLLARS? The US gets into that much debt every day, bitches. Come back when you’re serious. (totally dismissive) Sixty billion. Look under the couch cushions.
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Fergie, “Labels or Love”
1:
The first spending data from Black Friday showed shoppers spending only slightly more in stores this year than they did last year. Signs of much stronger online sales during the holiday shopping kickoff mean more people shopped from home. So, um, it looks like the media’s stories of crushing throngs in malls on Black Friday might have, ha-ha, this is kinda funny, scared those crushing throngs out of showing up. Heh heh…oops.
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Beatles, “Getting Better”
2:
The first spending data from Black Friday showed shoppers spending only slightly more in stores this Black Friday than they did last year. That’s the bad news. The good news is, this year people bought clothes and electronics. Last year, they were buying guns, bottled water, and canned goods.
(”I’ve got to admit it’s getting better…”)
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Tiger backs out of something, successfully this time, after this.
“Stand By Your Man”
As Tiger fuels speculation by refusing police interviews and pulling out of his own tournament, the most important people in Tiger’s life have rallied to his side: Nike, Gatorade, and Gillette have all issued statements of support. However, in the wake of Tiger’s nighttime escapades with a *Cadillac* SUV, Buick remains conspicuously silent. Much like Mrs. Woods. I’m not sayin’; I’m just sayin’.
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Congressional budget experts say the Senate health care bill, passed as-is, *could* lower insurance premiums on some plans by as much as fifty-nine percent.
It *won’t*.
But it *could*.
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“Still the Same”
Responding to President Obama’s decision to escalate the war in Afghanistan, the antiwar left is turning on the man they helped elect President. Activist groups like MoveOn.org are joining liberal members of Congress in condemning the president’s ordering of roughly 30,000 more troops to the war zone. In response, former President George W. Bush issued this statement: (AUDIO)