“The Wanderer”
In a vote clearly held in October, the Associated Press voted Tiger Woods “Athlete of the Decade”. (brightly) Well, that oughta cheer him right up.Â
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Meanwhile, People magazine reports that Elin Nordegren has decided to end the marriage, and has hired a lawyer to renegotiate their prenup. Don’t you just HATE it when athletes try to renegotiate contracts just before free agency?Â
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Rolling Stones, “Bitch”
New York senator Chuck Schumer is in trouble, according to the New York Daily News, for calling a female flight attendant quote “the B-word”. According to the paper, Schumer called her quote “the B-word” after she told him to turn off his cellphone. Now the paper is all in a tizzy about the quote “B-word” incident.  Geez. Imagine how upset they’d be if he’d called her a bitch.
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Tiger Woods’ business partners in Dubai say they are still pushing ahead with plans to build “The Tiger Woods Dubai” housing development and golf course, with a course designed by Tiger himself. The developer, part of the Dubai Holding conglomerate, said of Woods’ personal problems, “Dubai and Tiger have a lot in common: We lost half our money in a couple of weeks, too.”
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“25 Minutes To Go” or “Rape Me”
As we stagger inevitably toward health care reform, Republican Senator Tom Coburn asked that, prior to a final vote, the Senate certify that every senator has read and understood the 767-page health care bill. Senator Max Baucus said it would be impossible to certify that all senators understand the bill. So the same paperwork you have to sign to rent a car, certifying that you understand all the ways you can get screwed, can be skipped over if you’re taking over one-sixth of the U.S. economy.  Good to know.
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“Video Killed The Radio Star”
Video feeds from American unmanned drones has been successfully intercepted by Iraqi insurgents. US agents found footage on captured insurgent laptops, and officials believe the first signal capture was by someone looking for a satellite TV feed. Here’s audio of the first recording: “This isn’t the World Cup. What is this? Oh, weird. Hey, Ammar! Look! Your house is on T(static). Â
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“Dead Man’s Curve”
UK Climate Secretary Ed Milliband says that the Copenhagen climate summit is quote “Veering toward farce”.  Veering? The summit veered toward farce two years ago. Now it’s slid entirely off the hogwash highway and crashed into the bridge abutment of BS at three hundred miles an hour.
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Regulators have closed the Bailey Building and Loan Association in Bedford Falls after an unexpected run on the bank revealed a severe cash shortage. Bank President George Bailey was arrested while trying to flee and is on suicide watch at a local hospital. Another Madoff in the making. They shoulda let him jump.
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Using a new genetic splicing technique, a team from Stanford University has successfully bred a reindeer with a glowing red nose. The reindeer, which cost an estimated two hundred and nine million dollars, is believed sterile as a result of the extensive genetic manipulation.  So there’s another two hundred mill’ in well-spent stimulus money.
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Residents of Irvine, CA are still reeling from yesterday’s daylong crime spree. A broomstick-wielding perpetrator ran amok in the town square, taunting police and leading them on a lengthy chase. Despite police demands, combined with a amassive manhunt, the perp only paused briefly when ordered to stop. He remains at large, but has seemingly melted into the background.
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More trouble for Santa Claus.  A woman is accusing him of a lengthy relationship in which he exchanged his presents for…uh, hers. Among the gifts she says she received from St. Nick: A sable coat, gifts from Tiffany’s, and a duplex apartment. A convertible, too, light blue.  She also claims Santa wrote her checks. Ho ho ho.
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More than a dozen people were injured in a natural-gas explosion in a Chicago suburb yesterday.  Preliminary investingations indicate someone may have emptied the chemical toilet of an RV into an unused storm sewer.  Police are seeking for questioning a man last seen wearing a short bathrobe and a bomber hat.
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And finally, Daisy Outdoor Products has issued a product recall on hundreds and hundreds of Red Ryder model BB air guns. The toy guns are reportedly *extremely* dangerous, and should be neither owned, nor purchased, nor even desired. The exact design flaw, and attendant consequences, have not been revealed.