“Brass Monkey”
And finally, much of the nation remained indoors this weekend, trying to ride out temperatures lower than Congress’ approval rating. Normally an event like this leads to a baby boom nine months hence, but, cmon, it’s too cold for that. Women are wearing ski pants to bed, and men aren’t taking any chances with their own anatomy after what happened to that poor: (”Brass Monkey”)Â
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“Folsom Prison Blues”
(”I hear that train a comin’, it’s rolling ’round the bend”)
Heavy snow and frigid temperatures forced cancellations of cross-country train trips this weekend. The Empire Builder, which normally runs from Chicago to Seattle, will run no further west than St.Paul.  Word of advice to you stranded travelers? (heavy sarcasm) “Airplanes”.
(”…but those people keep a-movin’…and that’s what tortures me.”)
(Alt punchline: “Big disappointment for those of you hoping to visit Seattle in 1895.”
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“When You Wish Upon A Star”
* It snowed in Orlando this weekend.  So, those of you who’ve committed to doing something when hell freezes over…you’re up.
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“Fight The Power”
* The furor is growing over reports that Senator Harry Reid said in 2008 that Barack Obama spoke “with no Negro dialect, unless he wanted to.” Now GOP Chairman Michael Steele says Reid should step down as Senate Democratic leader. Reid denied racism and added that there wasn’t a Chinaman’s chance he’d resign.
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* White House economic advisor Christina Romer says the nation’s unemployment rate is “still terrible” but said improvement was expected this year.  However, Roe Report analysts expect the unemployment rate to keep rising for some time – especially among White House economic advisors.Â
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“I Will Survive”
* Retiring Democratic Sen. Chris Dodd says of health care reform, “If this is all about surviving politically, then we’re missing the whole purpose of what we’re supposed to be doing.” Senator, I have here in my hand (SFX) one hundred American dollars that say you can’t explain to me anything you’ve done for the last twenty years without mentioning political survival.Â
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“Rescue Me”
* Ford, who took no bailout money, and who earned a billion dollars in the third quarter while making its first market share gains in years, swept both the Car of the Year *and* Truck of the Year awards at the Detroit Auto Show. You know what’d go well with those awards? A Nobel Prize in Economics. Â
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“Welcome To The Machine”
* A company claims to have created the world’s first sex robot that responds to, um, stimuli. Hobbyists, however, say it is only the world’s first *heterosexual* sex robot, as the title of first gay robot has already been claimed: “Hel-lo sir! I am C3P0, human-cyborg relations!”
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http://www.jedisaber.com/SW/Sounds/ANH052.wavÂ
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Irish Rovers, “The Unicorn”
And finally, Pope Benedict is criticizing the failure to sign a climate change treaty in Copenhagen, saying that world peace depends on safeguarding God’s creation. Hey, yer Holiness — tell yer boss He made this mess, and He can clean it up. He *has* done it before…
(”…God seen some sinnin’ and it gave him pain.  He said ‘Stand back, I’m gonna make it rain!”)
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(I assume “Idol” has a theme song?)
Simon Cowell is leaving “American Idol” after this season, but says it won’t hurt the show. “I think its like having a good player in a good football team…(edit)…when the football player retires its still a good team.” (pause) Simon…that was…an atrocity. Your metaphor was strained, the insincerity was embarassing, and your logic wouldn’t make sense to a goat. Get off the stage. Next!  Â
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“Go Cubs Go”
Former Cubs pitcher Steve Trachsel, who gave up Mark McGwire’s 62nd home run in 1998, says that in the wake of his steroid confession, all of Mark McGwire’s home runs are tainted.  Tracks…do you seriously think the steroids were a bigger advantage than facing *you*?Â
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“Everybody Knowsâ€
A new study has found that the more TV you watch, the greater chance of obesity, heart disease, and death. Considering ing Sarah Palin’s signing with Fox News and Mark McGwire’s steroid admission, the race for Least Surprising News Story of the Month is now a three-way dead heat.
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“Mack the Knife” if you can stomach hearing it.
Jimi Hendrix’s estate will release a new album, “Valleys of Neptune,” featuring a dozen unreleased recordings. Janie Hendrix, Jimi’s sister, calls the material a “major revelation” about her brother’s musical direction when he died. That’s not necessarily good. Please tell me there’s no duet with Jimmy Buffett.
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A bill legalizing marijuana in California has been approved by a key committee, over the dire warnings of law enforcement, who claim this is the first step toward legalizing harder drugs. However, a representative for marijuana responded, “Uhhhhhhhhhhh. (pause) Heh-heh. (pause) ‘Sup?â€
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Jay Leno and Conan O’Brien are putting a funny face on the scheduling problem at NBC: “My people are upset. Conan’s people are upset. Hey, NBC said they wanted drama at 10.* “Â Hey, question: If a controversy falls on NBC, and nobody watches it, is it still dramatic?
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And a rare attempt at funny-ish, from a longer bit written for the day after the Haiti quake:
Here’s another metaphor: America is, in time of crisis, a giant army of overbearing benevolent ethnic mothers. “You look tired.  Let us get you something to eat.  Lie down. Here, drink this. Sit still.  Let me put this on your forehead.  You want another sandwich?  I can make this better if you just let me. I’m here to help.”
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“Baby Got Back”
(”I like big butts and I cannot lie…”)
Two new studies show that the rise in American obesity is slowing down. A spokesman for obesity, however, says that it was quote “just a little winded” and should be moving again shortly, adding that if it continued to struggle it quote “might get a motorized scooter.” Â
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“Cadillac Ranch”
The heath care negotiators have reached a deal to tax “Cadillac” health insurance plans. The plans are so known because they’re very expensive to run, their time is past, but they’re still owned by voters who are likely to whack you for touching their Cadillac.
(”…headin’ up the highway like a big ol’ dinosaur!”)
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The director of the OMB says government is inefficient because workers have old computers. Well, we can spring for new PCs. Please have each federal employee fill out five copies of Form ECB-6877 – separately – have each one notarized, and bring the application to an inconvenient location between 10 and 1015am on any Wednesday. You will hear from our office in four to thirty-six weeks. No phone calls.
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“Still the Same”
And finally, Republicans hoping to be the next governor of Illinois held a “debate” this week during which they all promised to fix the state’s budget crisis by cutting spending instead raising taxes.  None of them offered specifics. Oh, crap, wait, this story is from 2006. Or 2002.  Or 1998.  Or 1976. Or 1960. Or 1948. (And so on…crossfade the numbers out and the music up.)