“Take The Money And Run”
President Obama said (in his weekly radio address) that he’s determined to enforce his proposal to require banks who received bailout funds pay those funds back. AUDIO: “Those who oppose this fee say the banks can’t afford to pay back the American people without passing on the costs.” No, Mr.President.  We didn’t say they *CAN’T* do it. We said they *WON’T* do it. Do you now, or have you ever had, a checking account, sir?
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In Roe Report investment news, the Saints and Colts both covered this weekend. (Ka-ching!)
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“One Of These Things Is Not Like The Other”
The situation continues to deteriorate in Haiti, where hundreds of thousands are without water, shelter, power, food, or medical care.  Arriving in Haiti over the weekend: The aircraft carrier Carl Vinson, twenty-two hundred US Marines, the 82nd Airborne, and Hillary Clinton. Â
(”One of these things is not like the other…one of these things doesn’t belong.”
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“The Party’s Over”
* Today’s the day voters go to the polls to fill the seat Ted Kennedy held for forty-six years. President Obama is campaigning for Democrat Martha Coakley, but his advisers privately expect her to lose to Republican Scott Brown. I’m no analyst, but when a President from Chicago can’t rig an election on the Kennedys’ home field, I’d say the Democratic Party is in serious trouble.
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“South of the Border (Down Mexico Way)”
Glen W. Bell Jr., the founder of Taco Bell, died Sunday at the age of 86. He started the chain in 1964, and it is now the nation’s largest Mexican fast-food chain. Bell is survived by his wife, Martha, three sisters, two sons, four grandchildren, and that bleeping chihuahua.Â
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“Holiday Road”
A Chicago man who caused a security breach at JFK that required the evacuation of a terminal, delayed flights nationwide, and inconveninced hundreds has come forward. The man, identified as Clark Wilhelm Griswold Junior, says he walked through the wrong door while returning from vacation. The TSA has charged Mr. Griswold with misdemeanor buffoonery.
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(”Happy Birthday” or “Auld Lang Syne” – especially if you have a sad blues trumpet or harmonica version. There’s some on youtube, but I don’t know if there’s a rights problem there.)
Barack Obama has been President for one year today. To celebrate, Michelle made a cake, and the President dug right in with both hands, cried when he got frosting in his eyes, ignored all his presents except the first one, then got overtired, threw up, and and had a crying meltdown. (Stop music. Pause.) What was supposed to be a joke has turned into a surprisingly accurate metaphor.
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“Tonight Show Theme”
Even as it appears Conan O’Brien’s run at the Tonight Show is coming to an end, supporters are rallying nationwide demanding NBC keep O’Brien at the show’s helm. The protests have mostly been peaceful, though
“Sabre Dance”
an unidentified male bear was arrested at a protest outside NBC studios in New York and charged with public indecency.
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Mystery novelist Robert B. Parker, author of more than fifty books, including the series that became the TV show “Spenser: For Hire”, has died at 77. His death occurred under tragically mundane circumstances, and the family expressed regret that there would be no investigation.
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“Deja Vu”
* Hours after Scott Brown became a Senator, speculation began about a run for *President*. Well, he’s a younger guy, well spoken, good-looking, who just handed an allegedly more qualified older woman an electoral defeat after capitalizing on voter disgust with Washington. America wouldn’t elect a guy like that President. Again, I mean.
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The president’s deadline to close Guantanamo Bay within one year is tomorrow, and, like so many of us when we move, he seems to left everything til the last minute. If you’re a friend of Barack’s, you might not want to answer your phone today. Especially if you own a minivan.Â
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“The Big Payback”
* Warren Buffett opposes President Obama’s proposed tax on financial institutions that have already repaid bailout funds, likening it to punishment. “Should they have a special tax on congressmen because they let this thing happen to Freddie and Fannie? I don’t think so.†(beat) (beat) (beat) *I* bleeping do!
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Aerosmith, “Big Ten Inch Record”
* And finally, speculation is at fever pitch over Apple’s anticipated unveiling of their new tablet computer. However, an industry analyst predicts the rumored ten-inch touchscreen will actually be more like seven inches. (pause) Please stop nodding, ladies.
“…but I really get her going when I whip out my big ten inch…”
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“American Idiot”
* CNBC’s Jim Cramer predicted a huge rally in the markets if Scott Brown won the Senate seat. Scott won, and, just like he predicted, the Dow closed down a hundred and twenty-two points today. (off) How is it I get two minutes a day on the radio and this bleep gets a TV show? Get my agent on the phone!
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“Sweet Georgia Brown”
And finally, a moron in Georgia is trying to start an all-white basketball league. An all-Washington Generals league? I’m not sure if this is racism or comedy. Either way, it won’t work — if people want to watch slow, bad basketball, they can just watch the New Jersey Nets. Â
(Knicks are pretty bad, too, but the Nets are just rancid.)
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Sousa’s “Liberty Bell”
(Strident, triumphant, Sam-the-American-Eagle style)
With brass band playing, flags waving, and applause from activists worldwide, President Obama presided over today’s closing of the controversial prison at Guantanamo (scraaaatch or band crash). (off) What? But he…that promise…one year!…he WHAT?…oops. (On, sheepish) Never mind.