“Every Breath You Take”
FBI files show that, for years, radio legend Paul Harvey gave the FBI advance copies of his scripts for editing. One commentary even contained an FBI-written section complimenting the bureau. Personally, I think this is (new voice) completely commendable. What a fine patriotic American Paul Harvey was. I could learn much from his example.
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“I’m Bad, I’m Nationwide”
* In a tape acquired by Al Jazeera, Osama bin Laden praised the crotch bomber for his failed attempt to blow up an airliner on Christmas Day, and warned of more attacks. Maybe it’s the beard, but OBL is starting to remind me of ZZ Top: Every couple of years there’s a new tape, but they all sound the same.
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“Rule Britannia”
Britain’s terrorist threat level has been raised to “severeâ€. Unlike the American system of colors, the British use a more refined system of alert levels. “Severe”, is better than “Just Dreadful” and “Bloody Ridiculous”, but above “Quite Substantial”, “Not Unpleasant”, “Rather Nice” and “Jolly Good”.
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“Also Sprach Zarathustra”
Twitter history was made this weekend by Flight Engineer T.J. Creamer: “We r now LIVE tweeting from the International Space Station — the 1st live tweet from Space!”. But concern was raised over his next two tweets, “uhoh houston HAL won’t open pod bay doors” and “OMG its full of stars”.
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“I’d Do Anything For Love” or “Give it Away”
* Tonight, in his first State of the Union address, President Obama is expected to focus on saving jobs. Specifically his own. Roe Report analysts, as well as anyone older than five, expect the President to be giving it away like Jenna Jameson tonight.
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The interim CEO of General Motors, Ed Whitacre, has become the permanent CEO of General Motors, probably because nobody else wanted the job. Apparently explaining to President Obama why no one wants GM cars isn’t a desirable gig. You’d think the President would be sympathetic, since no one wants what he’s selling, either.
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“Run Like Hell”
Congressional Democrats are considering changes to their strategy on health care reform, including dropping plans for universal coverage or a public option, in favor of a new strategy: Running like rats.
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“Hooray for Hollywood”
The BBC plans to broadcast a movie filmed entirely by chimpanzees. The movie was shot at a zoo with a “chimp-proof” camera. The release is the second major monkey media project in as many months; the first being putting a chimp in charge of NBC’s late night programming.
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“Margaritaville”
Anti-terrorism officials say the past week has seen an unusually high number of people on no-fly lists trying to board planes headed for the United States. In fairness, it *is* Spring Break.
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“Let’s Call The Whole Thing Off”
In what could be a sign of improved relations, House Republicans have invited President Obama to speak at their annual retreat. The President is expected to be more conciliatory than he was when he last spoke to House Republicans, at a White House meeting in December: (GS Hartman, “YOU ARE PUKES! YOU ARE THE LOWEST FORM OF LIFE ON EARTH! YOU ARE NOT EVEN HUMAN F—— BEINGS.”)
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“Johnny B. Goode”
President Obama is expected to propose a three-year freeze on federal spending, something he opposed when John McCain proposed it during the 2008 campaign. Considering that Obama has also approved troop surges *and* killed health care reform, maybe McCain supporters got their guy after all.
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“Space Oddity”
Austrian skydiver Felix Baumgartner has announced will attempt to break the for the highest jump this year, becoming the first person to go supersonic in freefall. The stunt makes Felix an early frontrunner for this year’s Darwin Awards.
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Tiger Woods‘ wife allegedly visited Tiger at sex rehab last week. That approach makes a lot of sense; Nothing quells the urge to merge like an angry blonde and a team of lawyers seeking a half-billion dollars of your money. I’m going to be offline for a couple weeks just thinking about it.
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* The hole in Earth’s ozone layer that led to the global ban on CFCs is closing! But now climate scientists say the mending of the rift may contribute to global warming. Okay, you scientists, that’s far enough. Now you’re just yanking our chains.
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David Blankenhorn, the head of a think tank on marriage and family, testified at the Proposition 8 trial that legal same-sex marriage could lead to fewer heterosexual marriages. Well, yeah. Mrs Larry Craig and Mrs Jim McGreevey could’ve told you that.
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Theme from “Inspector Gadget”
* Some newspaper and magazine staffers have expressed hope that the Apple tablet could save their struggling industry. Um, guys, it’s a computer, not a defibrillator. Victor Frankenstein himself couldn’t bring print media back to life.
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Florida has secured $2.5 billion in stimulus funds to develop high-speed rail to and from — mostly to — Orlando. So it’s true what they say: When you wish upon a star, it makes no difference who you are. Unless you live in a hotly contested swing state and your wish is for a dump truck full of taxpayer money.
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“The Humpty Dance”
Mattel has introduced “Puppy Tweets”, a collar tag that updates your pet’s *TWITTER* account. Preprogrammed tweets include “It feels like my paw is permanently on the snooze button!”, “Some days you just gotta get your bark on,” “O-M-G I can’t believe I have more followers than @roeconn”, and “I just totally hit some hot leg, y’all!”
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Bond Theme
Toyota has now expanded its recall to Europe. The auto giant’s stock has dropped more than ten dollars a share since the recall, which we should have seen coming. When we worried about the US government taking over GM, we forgot that the CIA would be in charge of marketing. (SFX: “I had a few optional extras installed”.)
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“Comin’ Through the Rye”
JD Salinger, whose book “A Catcher in the Rye” gave an entire generation a book to feel ridiculous for liking when they reread it as adults, has died. Salinger leaves behind a legacy of helping unemployed hipsters seem deep to sixteen year old girls.
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In Florida, President Obama says (Poss clip: “I want the Republicans off the sidelines”/he wants the GOP off the sidelines) and more involved in solving the nation’s problems. I dunno, sir. Republicans are doing pret-ty good on the sidelines.
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Supreme Court Justice Alito continues to stir discussion about appropriate behavior during the State of the Union Address. A certain amount of criticism is to be expected when you are a public official, but Alito clearly felt the President was over the line when he said he wouldn’t touch the Citizens United ruling with Bea Arthur’s opinion.
Because, you know, Paul Harvey was such an unrepentant, Red-loving radical that his scripts had to be vetted in the interest of national security. After all, every one of his reports had the serious potential for putting the entire nation to sleep, at which the Rooskies could come swarming over our defenseless borders.