“I Got You Babe”
* Tomorrow is Groundhog Day, the weirdest holiday on the American calendar. An elaborate ceremony will be staged, and well-dressed dignitaries will use a half-dead weasel to divine the weather for the next six weeks.  I can’t imagine why the world won’t take us seriously.
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(The “quotes” here are not direct quotes, they are audible “air quotes”.)
* Now *Phil Mickelson* is being accused of cheating. The golfer is allegedly, um, “keeping some nonregulation clubs in his bag”. Phil is threatening lawsuits, saying he just “prefers the effect of nineteen year old grooves on his balls”, and that there’s “nothing illegal about it”. Wait. These aren’t euphemisms? This is literally about golf clubs? Sorry. Moving on.
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“Gimme Some Lovin’” or “Let’s Get It On”
A melancholy day in Washington DC: Tai Shan, the giant panda born four years ago at the National Zoo, is about to board a flight to China. The famous bear is moving to China to help replenish the species. However much he might like it here in America, that’s one hell of a job offer.
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Olympic Theme
* NBC research guru Alan Wurtzel says he expects two hundred million people to watch the Vancouver Games, and called the Olympics “the ultimate reality show.â€Â Oh, they’re rigged too?
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* President Obama will unveil a budget today that boosts jobs short-term, while convincing investors he can credibly curb deficits over time. The budget numbers will be derived using the novel new economic strategy of having Tim Geithner pull numbers out of his, um, Oval Office.
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“Good Ol’ Boys”
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says Iran has a major surprise for the world on February 11. An announcement that drew immediate protest. Senior management promising a big surprise, but giving no details, and people are already mad? In my business this would mean Iran was changing formats. (pause) How great would that be, if Iran flipped from Islamic to country?
(”…that’s just a little bit more than the law will allow.”)
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“Pop Goes The Weasel”
The U.S. has added forces to the Persian Gulf. The idea is to warn Iran to behave, to reassure states fearful that Tehran might lash out if sanctioned, and to show Israel the U.S. is willing to intercede. Is it me or does this sounds a lot like managing a kindergarten? Mrs. Clinton put Mahmoud’s name on the board. The idea is to warn him to behave, to show the other kids she’s on to him, and to stop Benjamin from beating him up at recess.
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NFL on CBS theme
* CBS has finally sold all the ad space for Super Bowl broadcast this coming Sunday. (mounting irritation) Which should come as a great relief to those who prefer to use the time while the ACTUAL GAME is on for walking around and YAMMERING about the commercials you JUST SAW while OTHERS of us are trying to WATCH. THE. GAME. Not that I have anybody specific in mind, honey.
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“Wind Beneath My Wings”
Following his arrest this weekend after he broke into a bank carrying a loaded gun, and so drunk that he thought he was at home, actor Rip Torn has announced his intention to enter rehab. The seventy eight year old actor…SEVENTY EIGHT? He did all that and he’s SEVENTY EIGHT? Paul Harvey, I-I’m sorry: Today I have a new hero.
“…you are the wind beneath my wings…”
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(Pick some patriotic music)
A very early draft of the US Constitution has been found that is, seriously, entitled “The Continuation of the Scheme.” And if this isn’t the proudest moment in American history, I don’t know what is. No punchline, you people. A draft copy of the Constitution of the United States of America with the word “scheme” right in the title…doesn’t get funnier than that.
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(If the RR was podcast-only, I would demand “No Vaseline” here.)
The Obama administration plans to cut more than a trillion dollars from the deficit over the next decade, but the plan relies heavily on a gambit known as “backdoor tax increases”. These backdoor increases will hit middle-class families, something the President promised not to do. So the next time someone warns you about being taxed out the ass, LISTEN TO HIM!
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“Mo Money Mo Problems”
* President Obama is loaning more people more money. The President’s latest proposal would redirect $30 billion in repaid bailout loans from TARP to a new program. The repaid money would be lent to small businesses, which, upon repayment of the funds, would be vilified by the White House and then taxed out of existence.
“I don’t know what they want from me; it’s like the more money we come across the more problems we see….”
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“Ballad of the Green Berets”
The U.S. military is taking preliminary steps toward repealing the “Don’t ask, Don’t tell” policy. Supporters of the repeal were cautiously optimistic, but some Republicans in Congress are concerned that having openly gay soldiers serve in the military could undermine morale, hurt discipline, and even lead to having openly gay Republicans serve in Congress.
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“Down With The Sickness”
Medical journal The Lancet has formally retracted a study it published that concluded the MMR vaccine is a primary cause of autism. Furthermore, the doctor who conducted the study is being investigated for professional misconduct. *sigh* HOW MANY TIMES WILL YOU LEAD ME ASTRAY, JENNY McCARTHY?!?!?
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US Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood told reporters asking him about the Toyota recall “My advice is, if anybody owns one of these vehicles, stop driving it.” Interesting advice from someone who’s technically part owner of General Motors.
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The ATF has deployed several dozen bomb-sniffing dogs to protect the Super Bowl. With Peyton Manning and Drew Brees both facing weak pass defenses, those dogs are gonna be busy.
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According to an Australian newspaper, Tiger Woods is “poised to make a shock return to competitive golf” in the upcoming Accenture Match Play Championship. The paper did not cite a source, but I don’t think I’m going too far out on a limb to suggest it was someone from the marketing department for the Accenture Match Play Championship.
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* A court ruling has ruled against the IRS in finding that the costs of sex-change surgery are a legitimate medical expense. Rhiannon O’Donnabhain, who was born a man, sued the IRS after they rejected a $5,000 deduction related to the sex-change surgery. The IRS argued that the deduction needed to be submitted prior to cutoff. (rimshot)
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Attorney General Eric Holder says treating the crotch bomber like a common criminal is consistent with existing US government and FBI policy. (Declining outrage) First he screwed up, then he lied about it, then he tried to hide it, then he backed away from it, and now he’s claiming he did nothing wrong in the first place…okay, I guess that *is* pretty consistent government policy.
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“Love in an Elevator”
“…going down?”
Stocks fell more than 2% yesterday amid worries about US unemployment and European debt. The dollar gained against fifteen of sixteen counterparts, and crude oil, copper, and gold all declined. Greece was praised for cutting its deficit. Report analysts don’t have a f—— *clue* what any of this means, which makes them the most honest analysts anywhere.Â
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“The Humpty Dance”
A Toronto restaurant is encouraging customers to celebrate Valentine’s Day by having sex in the eatery’s bathrooms. Mildred’s says their private unisex bathrooms have always attracted midmeal trysts, so they’re just taking it to the next level. Just like my prom.  Â
“…I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom!”
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“Super Bowl Shuffle”
* And finally, Sunday marks the best holiday on the American calendar.  C’mon, what other holiday do we celebrate with drinking, gambling, and violence in the company of family and friends? Okay, besides Mother’s Day.
I cannot BELIEVE that “How great would that be, if Iran flipped from Islamic to country?” didn’t get used. That’s going to have me chuckling all day.