(Cold open, ambient noise and shuffling paper, something like “Blue Monday” playing way off if you can’t.)
Okay. Yeah. No, I *don’t* feel good. (sarcasm) Thanks for noticing. I’m hung over, my stomach feels like I drank battery acid and my pulse is in my head lke a subwoofer. Plus I have to call Bernie today and wire some money. (sarcasm) Thank *you*, Drew Brees. God. I’m freakin’ *sweating* guacamole. What’s our first story? No, not the game. Bleep the game. What’s next? (insert tease) Okay. I swear, today should be a bleeping national holiday. I need the rest. Let’s get this done in three, two….
(break)
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“Fame”
Sarah Palin told Fox News she “would be willing” to face Barack Obama in the 2012 presidential race. Really? I’m surprised. I thought all that touring and speaking and publicity and fundraising was a prelude to going to graduate school for a master’s in Art Therapy.
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The launch of the space shuttle Endeavor was called off on account of weather Sunday. Apparently it was (mocking) partly cloudy with winds of up to twelve miles an hour. Seriously? It’s four degrees in Chicago, and the east coast has snow like Greenland. Grow a pair, NASA.
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“Bad Boys”
Jacob Zuma, the president of South Africa, has apologized for fathering an illegitimate child, his twentieth overall offspring. Zuma expects to face a stiff challenge for reelection from new South African immigrant and strict moral leader John Edwards.
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Iran has rejected the idea of discontinuing its nuclear program, which, according to Defense Secretary Robert Gates, means “The only path that is left to us at this point, it seems to me, is that pressure track but it will require all of the international community to work together.” Or we could look the other way and let Israel work alone. Just sayin’.
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“I Can See Clearly Now”
* Space shuttle Endeavour is carrying a “cupola” to the International Space Station. The cupola is a windowed station providing panoramic views of the Earth, celestial objects, and other spacecraft. Some call the cupola a waste of money, but according to NASA estimates, adding it will increase the Station’s resale value by ten percent.
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“Loser”
Seeking to reinvigorate his health-care reform legislation, President Obama has invited Republicans to a meeting to get their support. In a related story, Peyton Manning called Drew Brees and suggested they just skip the Super Bowl and share the MVP trophy.
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Theme from “The Godfather”
Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner said the U.S. is in no danger of losing its “AAA” debt rating despite a projected $1.6 trillion budget deficit. He then held up an envelope containing the home addresses and prior-year tax return of every employee of every debt-rating service on Earth, and said “I got your guaranteed AAA rating right here.”
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“Comfortably Numb”
* Dr. Conrad Murray has been charged with involuntary manslaughter in the death of Michael Jackson. His legal defense team is expected to argue that the singer had battled a pill addiction for more than seventeen years, and also that charges of manslaughter cannot apply as the defendant cannot be described beyond a reasonable doubt as a “man”.
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The former CEO of Merrill Lynch, John Thain, is now running CIT Group. One board member described Thain as quote “uniquely qualified to lead CIT at this critical stage.” Yikes. Sell.
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“Hotel California”
First lady Michelle Obama has launched a campaign called “Let’s Move”. No word on how the President handled the *very* public expression of Michelle’s opinion, but personally, I think she’s being a little hasty. Sure, it’s been a tough year, but she owes the American people a…what? Ohhhh, *childhood* *fitness*. My bad. Thought she was talking about something else.
(”…you can check out any time you like….but you can never leave.”)
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“Send in the Clowns”
The political blogosphere is abuzz over a Minnesota billboard featuring a grinning picture of former President George W. Bush asking “Miss me yet?” Well, *I* do, sir, but, uh, I make jokes.
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“Brother Can You Spare A Dime”
Suggesting the act is equivalent to economic sanctions, senior Chinese military officers have suggested Beijing punish Washington for selling arms to Taiwan by dumping some of their U.S. bonds.
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“Puttin’ On The Ritz” – the Gene Wilder/Peter Boyle version.
The Pentagon’s Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency is trying to create immortal “synthetic organisms” by investing $6 million into a project called BioDesign, whose goal is the creation of living creatures from scratch. Hard to imagine *anything* going wrong with *this* idea. (”PUTTIN’ ON THE RITZ!”)
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“Love Hurts”…”Bad Medicine”…
(soft-pedal) Sunday, gentlemen, is Valentine’s Day, the day you let that special lady in your life know how much she means to you. Flowers aren’t the most important thing. Candy isn’t the most important thing. Jewelry isn’t the most important thing. You know what the most important thing about Valentine’s Day is? I’ll tell you: (hard) Don’t bleep it up. You pay for it for years. Years! (off) YEARS!
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“Olympic theme”
More than thirty athletes have been barred from the Vancouver Olympics after failing drug tests. No Americans were reported to be among them. That’s because we have the BEST and STRICTEST drug laws in the world. (fast) And also because all the Americans taking PEDs are making millions playing real sports instead of sleeping in their cars in Vancouver.
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“Revolution”
During celebrations to mark the 31st anniversary of Iran’s 1979 Islamic Revolution, protesters opposed to the current regime chanted anti-government slogans. Security forces responded with tear gas. Tear gas? I thought the traditional thirty-first anniversary present was a timepiece.
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During the festivities, President Ahmadinejad announced that Iran is now a ‘Nuclear State’ that can make weapons-grade uranium. Now, since we know military intervention is okay *if* we have *low-quality* intelligence reports *suggesting* a country *might* have WMDs, what’s our policy when a different country’s leader goes on TV and outright SAYS *he* does? I’d like to get this out of the way while there’s still, y’know, time to discuss it.
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“Mardi Gras Day”
* The largest parade crowd in the New Orleans history turned out for the Saints’ victory lap. The unquestionable highlight was a gracious appearance by Peyton Manning, who even threw beads in response to a woman’s…traditional request. (SFX: “Manning drops back…looks long…Lucy has her shirt open!…Manning throws and THE BEADS ARE GRABBED OUT OF THE AIR! HE COULD! GO! ALL! THE! WAY!” (crowd roar) etc.)