Olympic theme
The Winter Olympics are underway in Vancouver after a magical opening ceremony that featured native dancers, Canadian singers – though sadly not Avril Lavigne – and culminated in Wayne Gretzky trying to light the torch before being blasted with a steel chair by Canada’s Greatest Living Athlete, Bret “The Hitman” Hart.
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“Big Spender”
The Euro crisis continues, with Greece firing back at EU critics for creating a “psychology of looming collapse”. Greece’s budget woes have set up what analysts are calling the greatest crisis in the Euro’s history. Which sounded like a big deal until I remembered that I have SUITS older than the Euro.
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“Girls Ain’t Nothin’ But Trouble”
As the opener:
Yesterday was Valentine’s Day, and according to Report Analyst Estimates, twelve percent of you just turned white and realized that you’re in serious, serious trouble.
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As the kicker:
And finally, yesterday was Valentine’s…Day…
(bleep)
AndnowyouvehearditallpeopleI’mHostNameandthishasbeentheNameReport (step step step slam screeeech)
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This weekend saw the Chinese usher in the year of the tiger. The tiger is believed to bring with it mythical heroic powers and portend a positive year for money, though soothsayers say tiger’s year will be inauspicious for marriage. Wrong Tiger, guys. And wrong year for that Tiger.
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Live Version of “Friends in Low Places”, or Jadakiss, or Ted Nugent, whatever it takes to tag this with “kiss my ass”.
After expanding their ever-growing recall pool to include more Camrys and Tacomas, Toyota has announced a quote “aggressive program” to win back US customers. I guess that explains the Toyota Kissing Booth I saw at the Chicago Auto Show. I wondered why the window was so low.
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“Born To Lose”
Year of the Tiger it may be, but things just keep getting worse for one specific Tiger: Pornstar Joslyn James says her three-year affair with Woods included two unexpected pregnancies. Tiger…buddy…man to man…maybe it’s time to stop thinking about being Jack Nicklaus and start thinking about being J.D. Salinger.
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Hillary Clinton lunched with Saudi King Abdullah at his winter retreat, a gigantic structure featuring two ballrooms and a private zoo. Guests arrived by luxury bus or helicopter. The lunch included four dozen types of meat, including huge platters of lobster. Tea was served by armed guards as the guests sat on overstuffed couches. Proving once again, (SFX: “It’s good to be the king.”)
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“Woolly Bully”
Johnny Weir says he fears for his safety after threats from anti-fur crazies for wearing a fox-fur-trimmed costume. Little advice, activists: If you want to look tough by picking on athletes who wear fur, scaring a male figure skater isn’t going to do it. Lot of fur coats at the NBA All-Star Game, though. You want to impress us? Pick a fight with Shaq.
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“Sharp Dressed Man”
A new study says men are less likely to use a condom if it doesn’t fit. According to one researcher, trying different types is important in nailing the right one – ain’t *that* the truth – because most men don’t know condoms come in different sizes. I didn’t believe it, but an informal poll in the office revealed the existence of five sizes, large, extra large, magnum, stallion, and Saturn V.
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A new study shows that wearing the wrong size condom can raise the risk of STDs and pregnancy, because men are more likely to remove an uncomfortable condom during sex. This study has spurred a new CDC public awareness campaign about condom size options, called “If it doesn’t fit, you must not hit.”
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President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says that Israel is thinking about starting a war “next spring or summer” but hasn’t decided yet. Israel denies the accusation, and continued leading the call for sanctions against Iran. This sounds like me and my sister fighting in the backseat. “MOOOOOOOOM! ISRAEL IS *LOOKING* AT ME AGAIN! MAKE HIM STOOOOOOOP!”
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“Nobody Likes Me EveryBody Hates Me”
The President, having spent a year annoying the daylights out of everyone to his right, has announced plans to build two new nuclear reactors, America’s first in thirty years. *This* plan is expected to encounter stiff opposition from the *left*. Say what you will about our President…he’s thorough.
(Youtube clip title: Nobody Likes Me from the How To Eat Fried Worms *SOUNDTRACK* )
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The Democratic National Committee is seeking someone to oversee President Obama’s accounts on Facebook, Twitter and MySpace. Responsibilities will include drunk-texting Mahmoud Ahmadinejad drunk at 2am, taking pictures of your, uh, self in the mirror of the Lincoln Bedroom, and unfriending or refriending Nancy Pelosi as circumstances dictate.
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“The Big Payback”
Tomorrow, Tiger Woods will speak to the media for the first time since everything went to hell. The interview will occur during – and thus *completely* eclipse – the Accenture Match Play Championship. Accenture, if you recall, was the first sponsor to drop Woods as a spokesman. What does it mean that his first act is one of revenge? (admiring) He’s baaaack.
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“Still The Same”
On the anniversary of his $787 billion stimulus package, President Obama spent the day complaining that America wasn’t appreciative enough, saying the spending saved the US from a second Great Depression. I don’t know about “saved”. “Postponed”, maybe. Then the President criticized Republicans and made up some numbers about jobs. I assume. I’m not really listening to him anymore either.
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Sadie the Scottish terrier took Best in Show honors at the Westminster Dog Show, narrowly edging a Doberman named C.J. Sadie was heavily favored going in, and defeated crowd favorite CJ in the final. See that? *She* knew how to handle pressure. *She* didn’t get intimidated and throw a pick and cost people hard-earned money. ARE YOU LISTENING, PEYTON MANNING?
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“Meow Mix” jingle
Italian food writer Beppe Bigazzi has been suspended indefinitely for calling stewed cat a “succulent dish”. Bigazzi said that casserole of cat was “better than chicken, rabbit or pigeon.” That’s just wrong. Cat casserole is horrible. Cat is *delicate*, and the meat should be steamed over white wine, or slow-roasted with sauerkraut; NEVER baked in a casserole.
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“Beverly Hillbillies”
Wal-Mart shares slid on falling fourth-quarter US sales. Some economists are concerned, but since Wal-Mart is really the bottom of the American shopping barrel, Roe Report analysts say this is a *good* sign, believing that shoppers bought camouflage underpants and Hannah Montana tshirts at more upscale retailers, like Family Dollar and Kmart.
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Dick Cheney drew huge cheers during a surprise appearance at a conservative event: (AUDIO: “I think 2010 will be a phenomenal year for the conservative cause and I think Barack Obama is a one-term president.”) What’s going on with Cheney? For eight years he was invisible. Now he’s onstage more than Blue Man Group!
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Saying he had not yet heard an apology, Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman refused to meet with President Obama. The President has TWICE said not to go to Vegas if you’re trying to save money. Let me just put this out there right now: Oscar Goodman, if you run for President, you will have the FULL backing of the Report. Especially at Caesar’s. By the pool.
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The divebomber who crashed into an IRS office blamed the troubles of America in general and himself in particular on corporate greed, the very rich, and politicians, whom he called “self-serving scumbags”. He also railed against bailouts, the Bush administration, and government mistreatment of the middle class. He was either going to crash his plane or run for President as a populist candidate, but decided the kamikaze attack had more dignity *and* would end better.
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President Obama and the Dalai Lama met privately yesterday. The meeting could cause a foreign-policy problem with the Chinese government, but Chinese New Year celebrations are still underway, timing that may shield the President from outcry over the meeting with the Lama. So he’s got that going for him, which is nice. Oh, come on, you were thinking it too.