“The Ballad of John and Yoko”
Tiger Woods has often been called machinelike out on the links, but at Friday’s apology press conference, his warmth and humanity really shone through: (pick a couple of quotes and run them through the Robot setting on the harmonizer, then)
Gentlemen, analysis?
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X-Files theme or some Dead Kennedys
The FBI’s final report on 2001’s anthrax attacks has concluded that the attacks were the work of a government scientist – *that’s* reassuring – named Bruce Ivins. Ivins, who called himself “Crazy Bruce” – that’s even better – committed suicide nineteen months ago. A conveniently dead nutjob did it alone? Guys…you already used that one.
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“What’d I Say”
Addressing CPAC, Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty told conservatives to learn from Elin Woods: (AUDIO?) “I think we should take a page out of her playbook and take a 9-iron and smash the window out of big government!” Pawlenty did not, however, go so far as to promise he would divorce big government, take half of big government’s money, and move the GOP back to Sweden to live with its mom.
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“Flipper”
New research has discovered that dolphins are the only animals other than humans to develop type 2 adult-onset diabetes. The discovery could offer insight into a disease linked to five percent of deaths. The problem, however, is getting dolphins to stop swimming and park their fat tails on the couch long enough to be comparable to humans.
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General Alexander Haig is dead, leaving the Haig household unclear as to who is in control of the TV remote.
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Any John Philip Sousa
As if Canada wasn’t embarassed enough already, the US Olympic hockey team knocked off the Canadians 5-3. We have the audio from game’s end. Prepare for goosebumps: (Ambient: Crowd noise, countdown, U-S-A! U-S-A!) “Eleven seconds, you’ve got ten seconds, the countdown going on right now! Parese up to Kesler. Five seconds left in the game. Do you believe in modest upsets free of political symbolism? *YES*!” (crowd roar, horn)
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“Highway to Hell”
Health care reform got a fresh…no, I just can’t. Nothing new. No developments. More bickering and slogans. No one has changed their mind. This health care nightmare is like a ten-car accident with taxis: Everyone’s screaming in a different language, traffic is stalled for miles, and now the insurance companies are involved and it’s just gonna get worse.
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“Every Breath You Take”
Apple who recently loosened their rules on “adult” material, is now cracking down on “inappropriate” apps. Several thousand apps have been banned, including one devoted to a certain pornstar who shall remain nameless, at least until she has the decency to respond to phone calls, texts, flowers, and long, handwritten sonnets that come straight from the heart.
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“Because I Got High”
A new study shows that in the last ten years, marijuana use has nearly tripled among people in their mid-to late fifties, and experts expect further increases as 78 million baby boomers age. In response to the study, late-night pancake peddlers Dennys, IHOP, and Waffle House all announced the immediate termination of senior discounts.
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“I Kissed A Girl”
In a new effort to wring every last spark of fame from her fading light, Lindsay Lohan claims ex-girlfriend Samantha Ronson is the only woman she’s ever been attracted to, and said she quote “would probably be with a boy next.” Lohan spoke to the press this week for the first time since being named a Hot Mess Of The Year finalist.
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“Climb Ev’ry Mountain”
Continuing its pursuit of nuclear weapons, Iran is now considering building uranium enrichment plants inside mountains to thwart air strikes. In response, the US and UN issued *very* sternly worded memos to the rogue nation warning them that the empty threats and outraged speeches would continue until it was too late to do anything.
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“Take On Me”
Consumer confidence dropped sharply in February, with one gauge dropping to its lowest level since 1983. However, according to Report economic analysts, since the economy recovered dramatically post-1983, the drop in optimism can be entirely attributed to fears that the recovery will include the return of parachute pants, shoulder pads, and a-ha.
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“Fame”
Bristol Palin will guest star this season on “The Secret Life of the American Teenager”, saying, “I am thrilled to be on this show and to be a part of a program that educates teens and young adults about the consequences of teen pregnancy.” One consequence apparently being TV guest shots. Bristol…don’t you wish your life was a little *more* secret?
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“Working Man Blues”
And finally, Wall Street bonuses were up 17 percent last year on record profits. And on behalf of every capitalism-loving libertarian-leaning red-blooded patriotic American who believes wholeheartedly in the free market, let me say to those Wall Street bonus recipients: F— you.
“…sing a little bit of these working man blues…”
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“Entry of the Gladiators” or “Going the Distance”
Today’s the day! The televised health care reform showdown at the White House.
(SFX: boxing ring bell – 4-5 dings)
In this corner, the majority without authority, the team that puts the left in left behind, weighing in with fifty-nine votes, the Democratic Party.
And in this corner, the world’s only rich white minority, the three-letter word, the blockers in Dockers, weighing in with forty-one votes (but the last one’s a doozy), the G! O! P!.
Republicans! Democrats! Obstruction! Self destruction! Next, on ABC!
(SFX: boxing ring bell, once.)
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In lieu of music, a countdown, a la New Year’s Eve?
Voter unhappiness with Congress has reached record lows. Only 10% of voters say Congress is doing a good job. The numbers have been dropping steadily for years, and now the first perfect approval rating in recorded history is within reach. Can they do it? I say yes.
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“Take The Money And Run”
ABC News has announced plans to cut up to twenty-five percent of it’s staff in a quote transformation of (abrupt stop beat beat beat) Just kidding, you people. I don’t work for ABC anymore. (sotto voce) Thank god.
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“Yellow Submarine”
The navy is going to lift the ban on female submariners. And I would like to point out that I am above making jokes using any of the following terms: Hot-bunking, porthole, torpedo, seaman, seamen, hatch, or head. Really, I think this is an important step. Now all the closeted gay sailors will have someone to talk to about shoes.
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“Dragnet”
A veteran Seaworld employee was attacked and killed yesterday. Authorities are on the lookout for a black and white male, twenty-two feet tall and weighing approximately twelve thousand pounds. Police spokesmen declined comment on whether the attack could be a hate crime.
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(This might be my favorite joke I have written for the Report this year:)
Super Mario Brothers Theme
And finally, Nintendo has unveiled its latest handheld game player, which can also be used as a book reader, like Amazon’s Kindle. Nintendo will release books for the device starting with The Brothers Karamazov, followed quickly by Super Karamazov Brothers, Super Karamazov Brothers Two, and The Legend of Zelda Fitzgerald.
(Mario music sting)
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As if life wasn’t hard enough on the unemployed, yesterday’s C-SPAN offering to those poor unfortunate souls with enough free time to watch six hours of daytime TV was worse than any soap opera, game show, or trash tv has ever been: (Apppropriate audio) Come *ON*. You wouldn’t show that stuff to prisoners at Guantanamo Bay.
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The California Assembly approved a resolution making the first week of March “Cuss Free Week.” They seriously handed out swear you’re supposed to put coins in if you swear. The coins will be used to help close the budget hole those assholes are ignoring to do stuff like invent “Cuss Free Week.”
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Attorneys for Tiger Woods have blocked PETA’s plans to put up a billboard featuring Tiger Woods that paired the golfer’s image with the caption “Too much sex can be a bad thing”, and urged the spaying and neutering of pets. You’d think Tiger’d be relieved someone still wants to put his face in an ad.
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“Yoda” or “Eat It”
New Ukrainian President Yanukovich promised to make his country “a bridge between East and West” at his inauguration. President Yanukovich said it was in Ukraine’s interest to build close relations with Russia, the Europe, and the U.S. He then made a surprise commitment to stop making albums of parody songs for the length of his term.
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“My Humps”
(And finally,)
A woman’s size-D breast implants may have saved her life. When a man opened fire in her office, Lydia Carranza survived a close-range bullet to the chest, and her doctor gives at least partial credit to the implant. What can we learn from this, America? Well… *seatbelts* save lives, and *those* are mandatory…