(Round One is here.)
The email:
Below is the application for the Onion News Network for a position as a FREELANCE contributing writer. We ask all interested writers to submit the material requested below to be reviewed by our head writer and staff writers.
Thanks,
The Onion News NetworkAPPLICATION PROMPT: There are TWO parts to the application.
(1) Write 10 ideas for segments for our regular primetime news show (that is, not our morning show, not In The Know). Please write a headline or 10-ish word description for the segment and then a short explanation. Here’s (an example from a segment) we have already released:
– Donkey Basketball Phenom Goes Directly From Farm to Donkey Basketball League — We interview the farmer and discuss whether or not this is the right move for the donkey. Most donkeys spend some time playing informal donkey basketball games before moving on to the larger, traveling donkey basketball league. We also talk about the raw “carrying a person around its back” skill of this donkey and the fact that it is already being called one of the greatest players ever.
The entry:
1) DEVELOPING: God Accidentally Unleashes Plague Of Spyware – Computer networks around the world are crashing after God opened an attachment sent unto Him by someone He did not know. Computer technicians shown frantically marking hard drives with blood and smudging PCs with sage. Vatican denies it was a porn site.
2) Upcoming “Wii Fuck” Expected To Shatter All Video Game Sales Records – Nintendo releasing followup to Wii Fit, which will build and expand on the Wii Balance Board, but include many more unique peripherals. Activities fit into one of four categories: Pitching, Catching, Kinky, and Multiplayer. Footage of development includes motion-capture suit technology and beta-testers playing the game. EXCLUSIVE: ONN debuts Wii Fuck trailer.
3) Gay Men Now Only Men In Favor Of Marriage – While gay men fight for the right to get married, incredulous straight men fight for liberation. We report live from demonstrations, and show footage of activist testimony before Congress. Straight men compare their situation to the pre-Civil Rights era, and pine for the free sex and childless irresponsibility of homosexuality. There’s a spirited exchange between a pro-marriage man and a pro-liberation man. First look at new “Someday We’ll All Be Free” PSA.
4) Growing Acceptance Of Elder Abuse As Lifespans, Complaining Increase – As people live longer and bitch more, it’s more acceptable to hit them. Results of new poll unveiled. Impact of cable news, US declines in manufacturing, and kids today assessed as contributing factors. Increasingly tedious old people offer comment until reporter belts one. Younger people comment on how life slowly reached a point where letting Nana have it or locking Poppy in the basement were really the only viable nonlethal options.
5) Dog Track Closing, Seeks Adoptive Homes For Abandoned Patrons – When dog tracks close, good-hearted people rush to adopt retired greyhounds. But what about the fat, cigar-smoking patrons in porkpie hats? Meet the people who strive to place them in new homes. See families romping happily with new “Uncle Paulie”. Testimonials about ease of care — they don’t smell nearly as bad as you’d think, they just need a betting window and a paper cup of cheap beer — and a somber note about euthanizing .
6) Douchebags Celebrate “Douchebag Pride Week” - Break out your trilby hats and Axe Body Spray: It’s Douchebag Pride Week. We examine the history of the movement, including an interview with the Ed Hardy t-shirt designer. Footage of Las Vegas’ Douchebag Pride Parade, the nation’s oldest and largest. Live interview with obnoxious President of American Douchebag Association about plans for a Douchebag Hall Of Fame.
7) BREAKING NEWS: Dora the Explorer Dead Of Exposure In Australian Outback - Details are still sketchy but the death was just confirmed by a devastated Diego. Speculation begins: Where was Map? What happened to Backpack? Spongebob Squarepants and Elmo issue statements of grief and condolence. TMZ reports more to the story than sun and dehydration, implies love triangle with Boots and Isa. Abuela unloads tirade of rage and grief (in Spanish) at media and Australian government.
8 ) Opportunity To Someday Be President “Last Straw” For Many Black Schoolchildren – Inner-city schoolchildren already had enough problems without the crushing pressure of possibly being President. Former honor students gathered around flaming garbage can with 40’s talk about burnout. Bitter, miserable teachers get defensive about ‘encouragement’. Child psychologists argue about whether or not setting realistic expectations is sensible or unkind. A lesser Kennedy cousin refers to this as “equality”.
9) Scientists Unveil Grand Unifying Theory Of “Unintelligent Design” – New and completely inarguable breakthrough scientific theory proposes that God created the universe, and all inconsistencies and evidence employed to contest theory are consistent with the central idea that God is not terribly bright. Theory is explained in layman’s terms. Creationists and scientists equally flummoxed and angered by inability to question theory. Anchor notes God’s failure to comment, which is cited as support for new theory.
10) Sequels To “The Beatles: Rock Band” Predictably Disappointing – Details released on followup to popular title. Can choose one of four tedious, embarrassing solo adventures. Footage of testers halfheartedly playing “Maybe I’m Amazed”. Exclusive game footage of Lennon Mode, a first-person shooter involving two hours of loitering outside the Dakota. Gamers assess impact of crappy sequel on legacy of first game.