In order to submit to be a staff writer (full time for 13 – 20 weeks), please submit 20 headline jokes as described above as well as 2 Onion News Network video scripts (3-5 pages each). Watch the ONN videos at www.theonion.com/video for inspiration about how to approach format, style and pacing. Please write scripts based on the following two ideas:
1. KENTUCKY BILL ALLOWS GAYS TO MARRY IN OTHER STATES:
A new bill passed by the Kentucky state legislature allows the state’s homosexual couples to legally marry anywhere outside Kentucky. The story is treated as a milestone for gay rights, as they are now entitled to the same rights as heterosexual married couples, provided they do not marry (or possibly live as a married couple) within the Bluegrass State. The unstated subtext of course is the Kentucky just wants the gays out.
2. DORITOS ANNOUNCES SWITCH TO FAIR TRADE FLAMIN’ HABANERO
Piece treats an ultra-artificial snack ingredient as though it has been produced from the land for thousands of years in South America. Frito-Lay promises never to exploit the noble, careworn workers, covered in orange flavor powder, who make their snacks possible. Joke is about how unnatural the ingredient is, and also about the appropriation and distortion of other cultures.
* * * * *
KENTUCKY BILL ALLOWS GAYS TO MARRY IN OTHER STATES
INT. STATEHOUSE, KENTUCKY FLAG
GAVEL-WIELDING POLITICIAN: (pounding gavel) The Yays are one hundred, the nays are zero; y’all, the great state of Kentucky has made history! (wild cheers)
INT. ONN STUDIO
ANCHOR: And made history they have; today the Kentucky House of Representatives joined the State Senate in unanimously legalizing gay marriage in other states. The bill, the first of its kind in the nation, recognizes (V/O with scrolling quote from bill) ‘the right of all persons to marry another person of the same gender as they are, so long as they-all choose to do so outside the lawful, God-fearing borders of the state of Kentucky.’ (back to anchor) Reaction has been mixed.
EXT. STATE HOUSE, MAN ID’d AS “LUTHER JACKSON, PRESIDENT, KENTUCKY GLAAD”
LUTHER: It’s right nice of them, and it’s surely more than we ever did expect. This here is a victory for all gay and lesbian people, especially them that don’t already live in Kentucky.
INT. PRESS CONFERENCE.
POLITICIAN: Today we did a great thing. Today we said ‘Hom’sexuals deserve the same rights as the rest of y’all got in the rest of America, out there in the rest of America!’ And we hope that they take full-out advantage of those rights.
And to Kentucky’s fine gay and lesbo soon-to-be former citizens I say, congratulations on your weddin’s – now git packin’! (laughter, applause)
INT. ONN STUDIO
ANCHOR: But not everyone is pleased by today’s action.
INT. PRESS CONFERENCE, MAN ID’d AS “PRESS SECRETARY TO THE GOVERNOR OF WEST VIRGINIA”
PRESS SEC: Now, look, it ain’t right that they went and did that. And the good people of West Virginia just won’t stand for it. Our governor’s already declared a state of emergency, and sent the National Guard to seal the border with Kentucky. We encourage our citizenry to remain calm while we sort out this dreadful mess.
ANCHOR, V/O FOOTAGE OF TANKS
ANCHOR: Legal experts are mixed as to the ramifications of Kentucky’s bold action. ONN correspondent Tom Lloyd talked to Clare Bernstein, a law professor at the University of Kentucky.
INT: OFFICE
BERNSTEIN: (admiringly) Well, I don’t think anyone even knows where to begin. I mean, what an unbelievable hairball this is.
LLOYD: So you’d describe the legal issues here as ‘difficult’? ‘Challenging’?
BERNSTEIN: No, as ‘impossible’. This is going to be a nightmare for all forty-nine states in which Kentucky has taken the initiative in legalizing gay marriage. They’ve got a LOT of lawsuits in front of them. Good luck to’ em. They should have thought of this first.
LLOYD: What does this new law mean for Kentucky?
BERNSTEIN: Well…it’s going to be a lot harder to get my hair done. (laughs)
ONN STUDIO
ANCHOR: Gay activists are….basically confused:
INT. BUSY OFFICE OF MARRIAGE EQUALITY USA. WOMAN ID’d AS ORGANIZATION’S PRESIDENT
WOMAN: I don’t believe this is real. I mean, it feels like a dream. Gay marriage is finally legal, and we owe it all to Kentucky? I keep looking for the catch. I mean, ‘stay out of Kentucky’, no problem, right, but this can’t be all we had to do. You’re friggin’ telling me we just had to promise to stay out of some butthole backwater we weren’t visiting anyway and we could have had this twenty years ago? I got outsmarted by people from a state where there’s counties that haven’t heard of shoes? Somehow I expected this would feel more…triumphant.
ONN STUDIO
ANCHOR: As the vote unfol…(pause)…excuse me, let’s go live to downtown Louisville, where the celebration and exodus are underway.
EXT: HIGHWAY OVERPASS
DEMONSTRATORS CHEERING AS LOADED PRIUSES AND SUBARUS GET ON EXPRESSWAY. CROWD SINGING “NA NA NA NA…NA NA NA NA…HEY HEY HEY ETC.”, WAVING PLACARDS READING “VIRGINIA IS FOR LOVERS” AND “GAY MARRIAGE IS A FUNDAMENTAL HUMAN RIGHT IN CHICAGO” “HONK IF YOU’RE LEAVING” AND THE LIKE. MAN ADDRESSING CROWD THROUGH MEGAPHONE:
DEMONSTRATOR: (MEGAPHONE) TODAY IS A GREAT DAY! TODAY THE PEOPLE OF KENTUCKY STOOD UP AND SAID NO MORE! NO MORE WILL FRUITS BE DENIED THEIR TRUE CIVIL RIGHTS IN GEORGIA OR ARKANSAS OR EVEN NEW YORK CITY. TODAY KENTUCKY HAS STRUCK A BLOW FOR FREEDOM! THE FREEDOM FOR HOMOSEXUALS TO LIVE AS HUSBAND AND HUSBAND, OR WIFE AND WIFE, OR HOWEVER THEY CALL IT, FREEDOM TO LIVE AS MARRIED FOLKS…IN MICHIGAN, OR MIAMI, OR EVEN MONTANA! (addressing cars) WE ARE PROUD OF YOU, DEVIANT FORMER RESIDENTS! SPREAD THE WORD! KENTUCKY WILL NOT STAND FOR UNEQUAL TREATMENT OF HER CITIZENS SO LONG AS THEY LIVE IN OTHER STATES! NA NA NA NA…NA NA NA NA…HEY HEY HEY…
ONN STUDIO
ANCHOR: Updating this story, Guinness has dispatched a team to monitor the number of lawsuits filed following passage of this bill, and has estimated a new world record will be set sometime in the next six hours. We’ll keep you updated on the story.
* * * * *
DORITOS ANNOUNCES SWITCH TO FAIR TRADE FIERY HABANERO
ONN STUDIO
ANCHOR: Snack giant Frito-Lay has joined the growing Fair Trade movement, today officially announcing they will switch from mass-produced Fiery Habanero powder for their Doritos to a more traditional, artisan-produced version of the piquant flavoring. ONN Correspondent Tom Lloyd reports from Chiapas State in southern Mexico.
V/O WIDE SHOT OF ROUGH FARM
TOM: Ricardo Salvati’s family has worked this land for generations. The family made a subsistence living, growing their own food, building what they could and trading their spicy, delicious handmade chip flavoring for what they couldn’t build for over a hundred years. But then, (picture goes black and white) ten years ago, tragedy struck.
RICARDO SALVATI, WEATHERED MEXICAN FARMER, IN SPANISH WITH V/O TRANSLATION
SALVATI: The Frito Lay people built a very large factory in the next town. (footage of giant threatening factory belching neon-orange smoke) The business of my father, of my grandfather, it was taken away, (increasingly pathetic footage of laborers working lines, moving barrels, pushing mine-carts full of Doritos, etc) and we all went to work in the factory. The men, the old women, even the children. If you cannot work your land, and make the habanero Doritos of your ancestors, what is there for you? (emotional) For the Salvatis there was nothing.
EXT. SHUTTERED FACTORY
TOM: But a new day has come to Chiapas. The people of Ricardo’s village are proud and productive once again, as the Frito-Lay company has bowed to public pressure and committed to using only Fair Trade Fiery Habanero. Fair trade products are a way for Americans sitting home watching “The Biggest Loser” to feel like they have done something for Third-World dirt farmers. Have they? Judge for yourself:
EXT: SALVATI FARM, BUSY AND HAPPY. ADULTS AND CHILDREN COVERED WITH ORANGE POWDER
TOM: This is the Salvati Fiery Habanero farm today. The Fiery habanero bushes are producing more than ever. And this time, the Salvatis are getting a fair price for a superior product.
RICARDO: (Spanish with V/O transaltion) My farm is happy again.
ONN STUDIO
ANCHOR: We caught up with Milton Hirschbeck of Frito-Lay in his office.
INT. REALLY NICE OFFICE. DARK WOOD, GREAT VIEW
HIRSCHBECK: As American attitudes about food evolve, we have to evolve along with them. “Guilt-free” used to mean “no fat” or “no sugar”. Now it means, “no exploitation”. And we agree wholeheartedly. Frito-Lay is a friend to the farmers of Belize.
REPORTER, OFF-CAMERA: Mexico.
HIRSCHBECK: Mexico. Frito-Lay has come to understand that the American snacker wants more from a chip than just satisfying crunch and great flavor. Now the American snacker wants a sense of moral righteousness. We’re proud to display the Fair Trade label on each and every bag of Fiery Habanero Flavor Doritos, and we are proud to call friends the noble farmers of Belize.
REPORTER, OFF-CAMERA: Mexico.
HIRSCHBECK: Whatever.
EXT: SALVATI FARM
TOM: So what does the new agreement mean? Well, (appropriate footage. I am for some reason convinced this stuff is scraped off broad leaves, though I guess it could be a pounded, dried root, or ground tree bark, or whatever is most telegenic.) there’s no more mass production; no more throwing all the Fiery habanero bushes into the grinder whole to extract the powder mechanically. Now, every step of the process is 100% organic and 100% sustainable. The orange powder you wipe off your fingers on the couch during a Cubs game starts here, as a sun-loving shrub. The women weed the fields, keep the goats away, and make sure the plants are free of cheeto weevil infestation.
As the plant matures, the delicious flavoring is produced in layers on the plant’s leaves, and hand-scraped into one of these long cotton bags. Once the bag is full, it’s delivered to the processing barn, where the men spend hours at a time sifting and mixing the zingy seasoning to get just the right balance of heat and salt. (jolly) I can tell you from personal experience it takes a long time to get your hands back to their normal color!
Then the flavor agent is sun-dried, barrel-aged, and taken up to the new Frito-Lay workshop in town, where it is hand-applied to unflavored Doritos with fine, soft paintbrushes and bagged for shipping to the United States.
EXT. VILLAGE FESTIVAL. EVERYONE IS WEARING ORANGE AND DANCING
TOM: So there you have it. The story of how switching to Fair Trade Fiery Habanero saved one man’s farm, one village’s livelihood, and one tiny corner of a monstrous global agribusiness conglomerate’s soul. What you see behind me was a dying village a year ago, and thanks to Fair Trade, they’re not only surviving, they’re thriving. They’ve even brought back the traditional Festival de Habanero Fuego! So if you don’t mind, (ANCHOR NAME), I’m going to go enjoy myself, and eat some of these tasty-feel-good treats. (he pulls a few from a bag, eats them, and joins the dancing.)
ONN STUDIO
ANCHOR: (chuckling) All right Tom, have a great time, and bring me back some of those! Fair Trade Fiery Habanero Doritos are rolling out nationwide this week, and should retail for eighteen to twenty dollars a bag. When we return, could terrorists really enrich and weaponize your mom? An ONN investigation, after this.