The best of May:
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“Insane in the Brain”
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad made a speech calling for states that threaten use of atomic weapons to be punished – clearly referring to US nuclear strategy. Ahmadinejad then shaved his head, sang “Don’t Be Cruel”, and crushed a watermelon with a sledgehammer. Okay, he didn’t. But you wouldn’t have been suprised if he had. I remind you this guy is a nuclear power.
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“Revolution 9″
New videos from the Pakistani Taliban seem to show their leader, Hakimullah Mehsud, alive, despite reports that he was killed. CIA experts, however, point to numerous clues in the video as evidence that Mehsud is in fact dead. Among them: Mehsud is not wearing shoes, is out of step with the other mullahs, and is holding a gun in his right hand despite his being left-handed.
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“Tainted Love”, “Rock The Casbah”, whatever.
A New Jersey high school student and aspiring fashion designer has been told he cannot wear a dress to prom. Derrek Lutz, an avowed cross-dresser, has been told that wearing a dress to prom would violate the school’s dress code. Count yourself lucky, Derrek. I wish someone had stopped me from wearing the powder-blue tuxedo *I* wore to *my* prom.
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“Jersey Girl” or “Woke Up This Morning”
A New Jersey judge has agreed to hear a lawsuit claiming the MTV show “Jersey Shore” engaged in a “criminal enterprise” by profiting from showing fights intentionally provoked by the cast. I’ve seen that show. Those kids aren’t smart enough to do anything on purpose. You might as well sue the stars of “Animal Planet”.
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“Get A Job”
In Greece, protests against spending cuts are growing violent. Three are dead and more are missing after an Athens bank was bombed. Cars have been set on fire everywhere, as have two public buildings and, ironically, a fire truck. Protesters are attacking police with bottles, sticks, and rocks. I wonder if they’d be in this mess if they’d worked this hard at jobs.
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“Fly Like An Eagle” or “Girls”
In an op-ed piece, Professor Stephen Hawking revealed that he now believes in time travel, and laid out a few theories ways under which a time machine might be possible. Hawking then said that one of the ways in which *he’d* use a time machine would be to quote “visit Marilyn Monroe in her prime”. Just when you think you can’t admire a guy more.
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“Pass the Dutchie”
The D.C. city council has given final approval to medical marijuana. Under the bill, doctors are free to recommend the drug, but not to prescribe a dosage or delivery method. The bill is currently known as the “Legalization of Marijuana for Medical Treatment Initiative Amendment Act of 2010” but if ever there was a law to name after Marion Barry, this is it.
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Spinal Tap, “Gimme Some Money”
Asked about lawsuits stemming from the Gulf spill, Tony Hayward, chief executive of British Petroleum, said that BP will quote “honor all legitimate claims for business interruption” but added “This is America — come on. We’re going to have lots of illegitimate claims. We all know that.” MISTER Heyward, as a proud American…I got nothing. Can’t argue with you.
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“Spinning Wheel”
(”What goes up, must come down”)
The Dow dumped nearly a thousand points before rebounding after what multiple sources called a “trader error”, in which – get this – someone ACCIDENTALLY typed “b” for billion, instead of “m” for million. You heard that right: You have to click “Yes I’m sure” six times to shut off your laptop, but a *TYPO* can gut the Dow. I would like my 401K in gold bars now, please.
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“Teddy Bears’ Picnic”
Former Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson said investors who bet against Bear Stearns before the firm was sold to JPMorgan Chase amounted to quote “the wolf pack trying to pull down the weak deer.” And in a bull market, having wolves treating Bear like deer leads to to some serious S— in the woods.
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“Jungle Boogie”
The current issue of “Science” contains the first proof that the ancestors of some human populations interbred with Neanderthals. While I have the utmost respect for this enormous scientific breakthrough, I got to admit, I’m a little creeped out. I mean, bad enough to imagine my *grandparents* having sex, much less my great great great great great great great great (fade) And now you’ve heard it all….
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“She Works Hard For The Money”
South Africa has estimated that forty thousand prostitutes will commute in for the World Cup, and the government has been asked to supply one billion condoms. That’s twenty-five thousand condoms per imported sex worker. And you thought the *players* had to be in good shape.
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Saying, “I’ve been playing with a bad neck for about a month,” Tiger Woods withdrew in the middle of play yesterday. Tiger, Tiger, Tiger. That method doesn’t work. You can’t pull out once you’ve started. You of all people should know that. In fact, you…oh, wait, he pulled out of The Players Championship. Nevermind. I thought it was about something else.
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In his first two weeks on Twitter, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has collected more than two hundred thousand followers to his “chavezcandanga” account. Which means the has four times as many followers as his fellow Twittering Venezuelan Ozzie Guillen, despite being only twice as incoherent.
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SNL Theme
President Obama nominated his Solicitor General, Elena Kagan, to fill the Supreme Court seat vacated by John Paul Stevens. Regardless of what anyone thinks of Kagan’s qualifications, I hope her hearings are interesting. It’d be nice to have Mike Myers back on “Saturday Night Live”.
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“The Caisson Song”
Kagan’s primary claim to fame is having kept military recruiters out of Harvard. Strangely, the military does not seem to regard this as an enormous favor. C’mon, Generals, d’you *really* want (lockjaw/Kennedy voice) the cream of the Hahvahd crop in the *Ah-my*? These are the geniuses who wrecked the health care industry *and* the economy! Keep them away from guns!
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“Spinning Wheel”
The US budget deficit for April 2010 is nearly four times what it was in April 2009. Mr. President, all due respect, you have some things backwards. Let’s review: Things that should go down: The deficit, taxes, and unemployment. Things that should go *up*: My 401K, the number of Americans who think the country is heading in the right direction, and hemlines. Got it?
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“There’s A Hole In The Bucket”
Facing layoffs, unpaid furloughs, and shortened work weeks for state employees, Texas is considering legalizing casino gambling. Lawmakers think that the revenue generated by doing so would cover a possible eighteen billion dollar shortfall in the state budget. Um, guys: If you’re counting on gambling to fix a broken economy, what do you expect people to bet *with*?
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“Lost In Space” theme
Technicians have lost control of a satellite, and its erratic orbit now poses a threat to…(growing horror)…US…television…programming. (Alert klaxon, cold, all-business) Okay, Mr. President, drop what you’re doing and head for the Situation Room. All your programs are going to have to wait, so long as MY programs are in danger. I will not live in an America without TV!
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“My Humps”
June’s issue of Playboy will feature a 3-D centerfold. Not one of those magic-eye things that gives most of us migraines, but an actual picture. The magazine will also include special glasses that make the model’s, uh, attributes pop up off the page. Interesting idea, Playboy: I guess if you haven’t been relevant since the 70s, it makes sense to pretend it’s the 50s.
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“Jupiter” (The Planets)
Here’s something scary: Jupiter has lost a stripe, and scientists don’t know why. Our solar system’s largest planet went behind the sun three months ago, and when it returned to visual range, it had one large stripe, not the usual two. Attention NASA: Forget the effect of cosmic rays on mice, or whtever you’re doing now. I’m gonna need an explanation for *this*. Immediately. I’ll be in my bomb shelter with a bottle of Scotch.
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“Mickey Mouse Club”
Florida declared an emergency order in anticipation of the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. The Governor says the order gives local governments the funding and flexibility to move quickly if and when the spill hits the coast of Florida, and described the spill as potentially the largest disaster ever to hit Florida. Uhoh. *Somebody* won’t like dropping to number twoo-oo…
(”M…O…U…S…E….”)
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“Take This Job And Shove It”
In respose to an austerity plan that would cut salaries by five percent this year and freeze the cuts next year, Spain’s unions threatened to call a general strike. Well, that oughta help the economy. Hola unions! Como se dice “air traffic controllers y Presidente Reagan” en Espanol?
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“Makin’ Whoopee” or “YMCA”
Russian astronaut Alexei Sitev married Ekaterina Golubeva just a month ago, and now they will spend the first eighteen months of married life apart. Alexei will be locked in a capsule with five other men, simulating a mission to Mars. He says that ‘giving up sex’ will be ‘very tough’. <chuckling> Wait five or six years, there, comrade. Gets easier.
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“Flight of the Bumblebee”
Thousands of bees swarmed outside the White House yesterday. No one seems to understand why the bees chose to gather outside the White House, and the bees’ story will forever go unreported. Isn’t that just like the mainstream media? IGNORING ANYONE WHO SWARMS OUTSIDE THIS oh wait sorry this is Glenn Beck’s script.
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“Can’t Get Enough Of Your Love Babe”
The Supreme Court says that federal prisons can hold inmates considered “sexually dangerous” even if they’ve completed their sentences. Whew. Good thing this law wasn’t in place in the eighties. Talk about sexually dangerous; you shoulda seen me in my white Don Johnson suit. Weapon of mass destruction, ladies.
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“Ballad of the Green Berets”
An Arizona utility commissioner says that if LA goes through with its threatened boycott of Arizona, he would ask Arizona utility companies to cut off the power they send to Los Angeles. You know, during the health care debate we heard a lot of people suggest that the US should be more European. I’m not sure border skirmishes what what they had in mind.
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“Baby Blue”
MA new study shows that up to one in ten new fathers experiences post-natal depression. Researchers suggest the causes include lack of sleep, new responsibilities, and supporting a wife with post-natal depression. To which let me add “college costs”, “smelling like diapers”, and “the realization your next peaceful tee time is eleven or twelve years off.”
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“Hat Dance”
While visiting the White House, Mexican President Felipe Calderon criticized Arizona’s immigration laws, saying the law is “forcing our people to face discrimination.” Hey!
*Our* politicians don’t criticize *your* policies. Oh wait sorry. Guess they actually kinda do. Nevermind.
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Scientists are waiting anxiously to see where the massive oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico might be heading. (sarcasm) It’s going to play in Chicago, New York, or Cleveland. IT’S NOT LEBRON JAMES! IT’S AN ECOLOGICAL DISASTER. DON’T *WATCH* IT, YOU SCIENTISTS! Invent something and FIX IT.
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“Le Freak”
(”Ahhhh…freak out!”)
An unexpected jump in jobless claims added to concerns about the European debt crisis yesterday, sending world markets plunging. Oil even slid below $70 a barrel, even though in Florida you can pick the stuff up for free on the beach.
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“Bad Company”
Speaking of bad economic news, the Senate voted to end debate and get voting on the bill revamping the nation’s financial regulations. While a new consumer protection watchdog and oversight of the derivatives market *are* sound ideas in a vaccuum ideas, call me skeptical, but I have trouble believing that adding the suggestions of a hundred Senators improves…well, anything.
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“Take It Easy”
(”Standin on a corner in Winslow Arizona….”)
President Obama condemned Arizona’s crackdown on illegal immigration and said that the problem needed to be addressed at the federal level. Mr. President…with all due respect, like Arizona’s law or not, it happened because nobody at the federal level did ANYTHING. Ironically, if you pass immigration reform at the federal level, the credit belongs to the people in Arizona you’re criticizing.
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Intelligence analysis of the torpedo attack that sank a South Korean warship concluded that the ailing Kim Jong-il probably authorized the attack personally, in a show of force designed to help secure the succession of his youngest son. You’d think that regime would want to stay away from the whole sinking-ship metaphor.
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Experts are considering some drastic and risky ideas to clean up the oil that has reached the Gulf coast, including flooding hard-hit areas to try and float out the oil, or setting the oil on fire. Setting the oil on FIRE? Could we get some new experts?
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“The Birds and the Bees”
A new study found that people who were sexually active before a heart attack tended to curtail that activity after recovery, *unless* they had the “sex talk” with their doctor. The sex talk helps after a *heart attack*? I just remember it being totally awkward. But then, my mom’s not a doctor.
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(waka waka waka waka)
And finally, enthusiasts held nerd parties around the world this weekend as Pac Man turned thirty years old. I remember turning thirty. Time to switch to low-fat, low-cholesterol power pellets, buddy. And if you think thirty’s rough, just wait for thirty-five. You know what a prostate is? <SFX: Pac Man dies>)
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“Over There”
(An article in) The Washington Post says that it could only take one seemingly minor event in Europe – one inaccurate budget projection, one missed deficit-reduction target, one small drop in economic output – to throw the whole world back into global recession. Think they’re being alarmist? Three words, you people: Archduke. Franz. Ferdinand.
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“I’m Sorry”
Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg admitted the social network he created has upset people, saying, “I know we’ve made a bunch of mistakes, but my hope at the end of this is that the service ends up in a better place.” His solution: New and better privacy controls. (pause, stop music) (Haul Parvey) Likes This.
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“Video Killed the Radio Star”
A new internal audit criticizes the federal officials in charge of overseeing drilling in the Gulf of Mexico for, among other transgressions, watching porn at work. (SFX: Windows shutdown/AOL “Goodbye”) And watching porn at work is, as we all know, bad. HIGHLY irresponsible. (SFX: Laptop closes.) Don’t do it, you people.
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“Flight of the Bumblebee”
And finally, rescue crews near Minneapolis used fire hoses to try and disperse an angry swarm after a semitrailer carrying seven thousand beehives crashed on Interstate 35, unleashing roughly seventeen million pissed-off honeybees. Say what you will about Americans, but when we spill stuff, we don’t do it half-ass.
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The President is increasingly facing pressure from his own party on his response to the spill. James Carville unloaded on the administration on “Good Morning America”. (AUDIO) That’s right, you people: You just found yourself nodding in agreement with *James* *Carville*. And you thought the pelicans felt dirty.
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“Sanford & Son Theme”, maybe?
And finally, as NASA winds up the space shuttle program, Atlantis has touched down for the last time, and taxied into retirement. So if you know anybody in the market, they’re looking to unload a used 1985 Orbiter, runs great, 120 million miles, only driven 32 times, power everything. Make an offer.
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“Circle of Life”
Louisiana’s marshes and bayous are proving a frustrating obstacle to oil cleanup. In many areas, the only option is to do nothing and let nature break down the spill. Over time, natural processes *will* remove the oil, but not before it kills massive amounts of plants and wildlife. And those dead plants and animals will someday become…more oil.
(”It’s the CIIIIIIIIIIIRcle of liiiiiiiife!”)