How strange that you, of all of us, would prove to be the most hopeful.

Move over, my fellow health-kickers — time to make room for another rider on our virtuous little bandwagon. This one does triathlons….

Before we move on to Part II of my new status as a Person of Super, we must cede the floor momentarily. As you know, Blood and Thunder is an enthusiastic supporter of Blogs for the Blogless, and welcomes the opportunity to seat commenters sit in the big chair. Obviously, we’re equal opportunity.

Ladies and gentlemen: missunderstood.

Bondgirl hot. She hit it from the back. Snoop aint got shit on me. He a poser, he and David beckam. Soccar is for pussies. Snoop don’t really hang with Beckam. He just bang his wife. That hot, if you want to be my lover you get with my friend. . . YOU KNOW WHAT I AM SAYING.
Ress Grossman is for pussies. He got a broken leg. And he don’t bang bitches. He and Orton pull no pussies. Orton just dances to Kanye by himself and drink wine. Hester sweet. Me and HEster are boyzzzz. He live with me. He my boy.
World Geatest Phootgrapher don’t got shit on me. Where are Bondgril pics? She got big boobs. Bondgirl hot. Vegas is sweet. I aint got no shit on Vegas. Walker say what? Walker say what? That what I thought bitch. Walker ain’t got shit on me. He cant catch nothing but a brick to the head. And 2PAC. 2Pac my boy. He live with me. Before hester. Sugg eff him up though. Sugg a punk. He aint got shit on me. Dre should punch sugg in his fat face.
Yo, yo, yo, B&T? Where you at? You with Bondgril? She hot and got big boobs. Send me a pic. Frank Thomas is good. I watch Sox all the time. Cubs are for pussies. They suck. Where Mark Grace? He sweet. YOU KNOW WHAT I AM SAYING? Yeah, na naw na nawwww. UUUHHH.
Make you say UUUHHH, naw na nawww naawwww. Beyonce hot. P-diddy hit that shit.

Ladies and gentlemen…Luna.

Good day, loyal B-and-T readers.

If you have had a bad day recently, prepare to feel a lot better.

Yesterday, I cleared my work schedule and trooped downtown for an 11am dentist appt. Three hours later I had two new crowns, a bagful of 800mg Motrins, a bank account that was $1200 lighter and an inability to move the right side of my face. Plus another appointment in a month to finish the process and pay another $2300.

Now, you might think to yourself “That there is a crappy day.”

You are WRONG.

So, B&T picked me up downtown and took me home. I rested for a few hours, and eventually, around 6:30pm, we went out for our regular three-times-a-week-run.

We’ve just moved up from running 2 miles to running 2.5 miles, and I’m pretty proud of this accomplishment. All was well with me and my 800mg of Motrin as we turned the corner which marked the last half mile.

Then I got an eye twitch. Thinking this was a possible afteraffect of my dental work (it was on the same side of my face), I said “I think I need to stop, I have an eye twitch. That’s kinda weird.”

Then, it became apparent that my right eye didn’t really feel like being open anymore. B&T commented that I looked a bit like I was doing an impression of the great Bill the Cat. This did not please me, and then–oh good–my left eye started to shut, too.

At this point, I was becoming seriously alarmed and then my throat started to hurt. Now, I’m familiar enough with serious allergic reactions to know that this was moving into the realm of VERY BAD. So, I turned to him, and for the first time in our fifteen or so years together said those magic words every guy longs to hear: “Honey, I think you need to take me to the hospital right now.”

We had, I was later told, a very exciting ride to the hospital that included some major league speeding and a left turn at a red light.

Upon arrival at the emergency room, I was full-on blind. I told the woman at the front desk of the emergency room my name, that I’m allergic to penicillin and that I thought I was handling this situation extremely well. I don’t know if she nodded agreement or what, but I was suddenly surrounded by people (I guessed–I couldn’t, you know SEE them) declaring that they were going to pump me full of Benedryl and prendisone and that I had correctly assessed the situation and was indeed having a massive allergic reaction to. . .something.

After about half an hour, I could partly open my left eye. The ER resident, Dr. Rosenrosen (I am only HALF kidding), said that I was improving, but it was highly likely that we were not going to figure out to what I was allergic as I had no apparent bee sting marks or bug bites.

After four and a half hours and a lesson in how to stab an Epi-Pen into my thigh should this ever happen again, I got sent home with prescriptions for more antihistamines and steroids and a discharge form that says “Allergic reaction, cause unknown.”

This morning, I looked like I had gone a full 12 rounds with Apollo Creed, who had managed to leave me disgustingly swollen, but not bruised, which is a very weird look.

It is currently 2:30pm, and I now just look like I had a bad eye lift. A REALLY BAD eye lift.

I share this story with you, so that you can think of it the next time you are having a bad day.

Luna

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome today’s Guest Host, Big!

1. What did you do in 2007 that you’d never done before?
Had a second child. Margaret Rebecca, born 5/17/07.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
No. Reached at least 354 pounds, maybe more. A dubious Personal Best. The 2008 resolution is 23 pounds underway.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Well, does my wife count? Also, former blog-mate Dave and famous blogger Becky added onto their lovely family. Also, several friends-of-friends and inactive acquaintances welcomed bundles of joy. And poop. Bundles of joy and poop and crying.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No.

5. What would you like to have in the coming year that you lacked in the previous year?
Smaller pants.

6. What countries did you visit?
Germany, for the first time. Of course, it was for a plastics show, so I mostly saw the inside of exhibit halls. But the sausage and the beer – I’m considering adding Cologne to my “retirement locale” list. Current No. 1 – Hawaii. No. 2 – Southern Japan.

7. What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why:
Dates have never etched themselves on my memory, not in history classes when it would have been useful, nor now. However, I will always remember Leadership Boot Camp in April, when I learned to be okay with myself. And the day the pediatric cardiologist told the Beloved and I that the murmur in Margaret’s heart was absolutely nothing to worry about.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Learning to be okay with myself. It is a freeing thing, to understand who you truly are and how that affects everything you do, and that it’s okay to not be perfect, or even “normal.”

9. What was your biggest failure?
Letting my weight get so out of control.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Aside from general portliness, screaming tension headaches and a minor sinus infection, no. That’s an A+ year in a house with kids.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My new TV doesn’t count – that was technically 2008. Perhaps the deck on our house – it’s B-E-A-yootiful.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
The beloved. Having Margaret naturally without drugs (not the plan, by the way) has inspired her sense of “can-do” to the point that she now says things like, “I’m signing up for a triathlon!”

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Every presidential candidate.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Married, two kids. Guess.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Margaret’s arrival. And winning one of my fantasy football leagues.

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
Tie: “Rockstar” by Nickelback. I’m not typically a fan, but not since Neil Young’s “This Note’s for You” has a song so snarkily captured something about our society – in this case, the entitlement of celebrity. Also, “My Ding-a-Ling” by Chuck Berry. I just discovered this gem in 2007. Chuck must have sprained his eyelid and thrown out his elbow with all the “wink, wink, nudge, nudge” this song requires.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Much happier.
ii. thinner or fatter?Fatter, but actively working on it.
iii. richer or poorer? Richer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Being honest with people. Most fun you can have with your clothes on.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Being dishonest with myself.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Christmas went well. Operation Assert Ourselves As a Family is complete and totally successful.

There was no #21. Never has been. I was going to break the cycle and invent a #21, and Aunt Becky beat me to it. And I liked her idea so much I’m grabbing it:

21. I have failed at maintaining a blog three times now. Thanks to Al for the guest spot. Those of you who are keeping up either an interesting or well-maintained (or both) blog, how do you do it? E-mail me at jtower42 – at – yahoo – dot – com.

22. Did you fall in love in 2007?
With Margaret for the first time, with Kate again, and with the Beloved for the fifth year in a row.

23. How many one-night stands?
None with other people.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Chuck. Honorable mention to Journeyman (sadly cancelled.)

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
I don’t HATE anyone. However, I’ve “mentally fired” many, many people. A highlight of 2007 is that I’ve confronted those people and learned to “rehire” them.

26. What was the best book you read?
Too many to name. “Into the Wild,” “I Love You, Beth Cooper,” “First Among Sequels,” “Devil in the White City.” I know I’m forgetting some.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
iTunes’ “Essentials” section. Best way to invoke the “I remember THAT song” response.

28. What did you want and get?
A healthy daughter and self-awareness. Good year.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Hmm…Didn’t see many movies again this year. Saw the Colin Firth version of Pride and Prejudice with the beloved. I enjoyed that much more than I thought I would.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you (optional)?
Twenty-nine. I don’t recall what I did, though I probably should. March is very hard to remember the following January.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Smaller pants.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
“Jesus, why are these pants so tight?”

34. What kept you sane?
The Beloved. I realized this year just how much she is my sanity touchstone.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Brett Favre. Serious man-crush.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
The lack of anyone qualified and/or honest to run our country.

37. Whom did you miss?
I never see everybody as much as I’d like, but 2007 was a good year for seeing most friends.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Margaret.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:
I’m wacked, but it’s okay that I am.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
If you were a wink, I’d be a nod
If you were a seed, well I’d be a pod.
If you were the floor, I’d wanna be the rug
And if you were a kiss, I know I’d be a hug

“All I Want is You,” Barry Louis Polisar, from the Juno soundtrack. Dedicated to all three of my girls.

–Big

Speaking of Big, though he has retired as an active blogger, he contacted me recently about a spleen-venting guest spot. Said he:

I have been traveling more than any sane person should over the past couple of weeks.

Sept. 21 through 23 – Cincinnati, OH to serve as a groomsman in a dear friend’s wedding.

October 4 through 8 – San Diego, CA with my family for a personal vacation.

October 10 through 13 – Washington, D.C. for the Society of Plastics Industries’ National Board Meeting.

October 15 through 19 – Evanston, IL for a seminar on governing family businesses at Northwestern University. (While at the same time my wife and one-year-old daughter went to Palm City, FL to see my mom).

Oct. 20 through 23 – Mt. Everest, Nepal for low-O2 training for my planned assault in 2009.

Okay, I made that last one up.

But it doesn’t change the fact that in a very short period of time, I have taken eight plane trips, rented two cars, stayed in four hotels and watched 37 in-room adult movies.

I am going to burn in hell. But my infernal berth will be NOTHING compared to these a**holes:

THE RECLINER: This is the complete jag-off who reclines his seat without warning, shattering my kneecaps or at least tearing my meniscus. I’m 6’2”, and I only have approximately .0002 of an inch of clearance behind the back of the seat as it is. But this guy, he’s pissed that he’s not on British Airways on a trans-Atlantic flight, having leggy English lasses rub almond oil on his tired feet. So, because he doesn’t get a complimentary glass of champagne and blow job, he decides he’s going to invade MY space. Even though this happened to me TWICE, I both times resisted the temptation to form my empty can from my complimentary warm soda into a shiv and slash his jugular from behind. Instead, I just got up, loomed over the offender’s seat and pissed all over him.

Actually, I politely but seethingly asked both assfaces to move their seats forward, which they did, sighing as if I had asked them to donate part of their liver to Keith Richards. Way to go, buddy. You’ve managed to be only as much a jerk as the rest of the world. I’ll call the Nobel Committee.

THE COURTESY PREBOARDER: When my wife and I travel, we have a stroller, a car seat, a diaper bag, a camera bag, and a squirming toddler. The person who invented the phrase “Any passenger needing a little extra time to board” was thinking of ME. (Also the physically handicapped.) But we were invariably beat to the front of the courtesy preboard line by a thirty-something business traveler with a tiny briefcase and a cellphone or an amateur triathlete with nothing but an iPod and a copy of Runner’s World. These people don’t need extra time to board. These people should be helping me and my family board. They will get to hell and be surprised their rooms are one step below people who take handicapped parking spaces.

THE SECURITY LINE CUTTER: Often the same kind of creature as the Courtesy Preboarder. Businessmen who have much more important places to be watching in-room porn. Wannabe fashion models who are openly disgusted with anything as messy and healthy as a baby. Twentysomethings who have yet to figure out that the world doesn’t care that they are totally up on the music scene and “discovered” the music of the Ironic Bastards waaaayyy before everybody else.

Here’s the scene. My wife and daughter are traveling alone, and all the while they’re in the security lane, some eggsucker is trying to sidle past them. When my wife manages to body-block the guy with the stroller, he ends up right behind them at the X-ray machine. My wife loads her stuff on the belt (unassisted by Mr. Man-of-the-Year) and walks through the metal detector. (Remember, all this time she is holding our daughter.) She gets through the metal detector and grabs the stroller off the belt and opens it up. She puts the baby in the stroller and turns to reach for the rest of her stuff, when Assholio steps IN BETWEEN my wife and my daughter. My daughter freaks out because suddenly, her mom disappeared. The guy took his shoes and briefcase and takes off.

I told my wife, when she told me this story, that I would have killed him where he stood.

No court in the world would convict me.