I’m sorry. All my creative energy is going elsewhere. Here’re some month-old unused examples of where. Yes, I’ll fill you in when I can.
*
The sun is the dimmest it has been in nearly a century, with solar flares and sunspot activity at historic lows. Observers are baffled, and speculation is rampant as to just what is wrong. However, the sun’s agent says the fading star is “just suffering from exhaustion”.
*
Tallyho! The government of England will raise their top income tax rate from forty percent to *fifty* percent next year. Asked for comment, one of England’s wealthiest citizens said “We are not amused. Fifty percent is f(bleep) b(bleep).”
*
More cuts on Ball Street lately. Vasectomies are up fifty percent in the last four to six months, and the American Urological Association attributes the upped cutbacks to the flaccid economy. Hey, sometimes you can just tighten your belt, but sometimes you have to let a couple of guys go.
*
The acting CFO of Freddie Mac was found dead in his home yesterday. Preliminary reports put the cause of death as “suicide, brought on by being the acting CFO of Freddie Mac”. Applicants for the now-vacant position should have an MBA, be experienced in the mortgage industry, and not believe in karma.
*
A Florida beach’s ordinance banning saggy pants has been ruled unconstitutional. A judge held that no matter how “tacky or distasteful” the fashion style, freedom of choice must prevail. No word from the bench yet on my proposed “Saggy Ass Ban”.
*
CNN’s Larry King quizzed Levi Johnston, the father of Sarah Palin’s grandchild, at length Wednesday night about Levi’s sex life with Bristol Palin. Levi refused to kiss-and-tell,and Larry responded by being so creepy I had to turn off the TV.
*
The Japan Sumo Association has conducted its first random drug tests, after a series of marijuana arrests tarnished the sport’s image. In a sport where players weigh more than a minivan, a drug that allows you to eat two or three tubes of cookie dough and a whole pizza *does* qualify as “performance-enhancing”.
*
Jay Leno was admitted to a hospital Thursday, forcing the one-night cancellation of “The Tonight Show”. He is in good spirits and expects to be released today. Conan O’Brien, Jon Stewart, and Adam Carolla are among the candidates rumored to be replacing Leno in the ICU.
*
Worse-than-expected news on unemployment and home sales Thursday dampened hopes economic recovery is near, yet the Dow and the S&P 500 both went up. And if I could explain that, or predict what it means for today, I would be drowning in bikini models and tropical drinks on my own private island.
*
The U.S. declared a public health emergency Sunday to deal with the emerging new swine flu. Doctors in America are advising worried patients to buy masks as a precaution. I’m wearing mine right now. I don’t know exactly how this plastic snout will protect me, but this mask isn’t coming off until this is over. Su-WEEE!
*
The CDC says that they have not found any evidence to indicate that any of the current illnesses resulted from human contact with pigs, but did warn human-porcine couples against sharing needles or engaging in nonmonogamous unprotected sex. Not that there’s anything wrong with…wait, there’s a LOT wrong with that!
*
The markets open tomorrow morning for the first time since the news of the flu broke. During the Asian bird flu panic, travel, insurance, and oil company stocks fell heavily, while shares in healthcare and cleaning product businesses soared. The new strain of swine flu is expected to have a similar effect on equities, with an additional anticipated surge in conspiracy theories and urban legends.
*
The bad news for the Motor City continues unabated to the quarterback as the Detroit Lions took Georgia’s Matthew Stafford with the number-one overall pick in this weekend’s NFL Draft. Take heart, people of Detroit: The U.S. auto industry may be on its last legs, but at least you aren’t the unfortunate kid tasked with resurrecting the Lions.
*
Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says that the US has not sent Iran sufficient signals on whether the U.S. wants warmer relations. When pressed for details on what kind of signals he was looking for, Ahmadinejad said “Just a little more thoughfulness. Flowers, candy, and the complete annihilation of Israel.”
*
Probably – hopefully – the factory seconds will be coming up a lot.