Blood And Thunder

“Let’s Get It On”

A survey of eighteen hundred people in six countries revealed – no pun intended – that fifteen percent of drivers say they have had sex or performed sexual acts while driving. Wonder how many of those drivers were, uh, not eligible to use the carpool lane.

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Three Stooges theme

Efforts – and I use that term loosely – to contain America’s worst oil spill ever hit a snag – a-gain – yesterday day when – get this – the saw got stuck.  The project leader said (AUDIO: “Nyuk nyuk nyuk”) before being called (AUDIO: “Oh, wiseguy, huh?”) by a BP executive, just before President Obama grabbed both their noses with pliers.

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New York state delayed payment on two and a half billion dollars of bills, and the state’s cash crunch is only expected to get worse.  You know, New York, New Jersey has…certain businessmen that’ve been known to lend money in times of need.  Just don’t be late paying.  You got a nice state there.  Be a shame something happened to it.

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“Get A Job”

More than two thousand people have filed to run for Congress in the midterm elections; the highest number in at least thirty-five years.  Analysts suggest the surge is motivated by discontent, but I say it’s about the unemployment rate.  People need jobs.  Being in Congress is light work for pretty good pay, and you obviously don’t have to be that bright.

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At least twelve are dead and more than two dozen injured after a taxi driver in England went on a shooting rampage yesterday.   I am sympathetic to the victims and their families, and so should you be; but I am also here to tell you that you’re not a bad person if your first reaction to this story was “I say.  Are you talking to me?”  Mine too. 

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“We’ll Meet Again”

According to the New York Times, the US government has rejected the option of trying to seal the leaking wellhead in the Gulf of Mexico with a small nuclear weapon.  Really?   A GOOD decision?  Huh.  Well, as my nana used to say, even a blind corrupt oblivious profit-driven uncaring incompetent squirrel finds a nut once in a while.

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“Entry of the Gladiators” or “See See Rider”

Speaking of squirrels, former Rod Blagojevich is officially on trial.  He pled not guilty to twenty four counts, including racketeering and attempted extortion, and he faces up to four hundred fifteen years in prison if convicted.   Rod entered the court to “See See Rider”, wearing a white silk jumpsuit with an American flag made of sequins on the back.  Okay not really.   But would you have been surprised?

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“Take Me Out To The Ball Game”

A Minnesota teen had a testicle amputated after being punched in the groin during a game called “sack tapping.”  And he’s not the only one.  A Brainerd urologist performs three to four surgeries a year as a result of “sack tapping.”  Quote the doctor: “It’s not a game anymore.  People get hurt.”  So listen to Uncle Roe, kids: Take your ball and go home.

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“Alphabet Song”

And F-I-N-A-L-L-Y, the 83rd National Spelling Bee is underway in W-A-S-H-I-N-G-T-O-N, in which slightly P-E-C-U-L-I-A-R children C-O-M-P-E-T-E with each other to see who can need the most P-S-Y-C-H-O-T-H-E-R-A-P-Y by the age of twenty-two.  And now you’ve heard it A-L-L people. I’m R-O-E-C-O-N-N, and this has been the R-O-E R-E-P-O-R-T.

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“Happy Trails” 

Helen Thomas has officially “resigned” (those air quotes should be audible, please) after this now-legendary, and legendarily deranged, appearance on YouTube.  (AUDIO)  I hope for her last day somebody brought bagels.  Er, doughnuts.

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“Let’s Get It On”

Apple has unveiled the latest iPhone.  The iPhone 4 features an improved camera, a new screen, and the ability to conduct one-on-one video chats.  The video chat app is called Face  Time, but somehow I don’t think “Faces” are going to be the body part most people will be pointing this app at.

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“Over There”

Analysts say President Obama is about to increase U.S. debt to a level exceeding our GDP, a big step toward the kind of “debt super cycle”.  Long story short: That’s not good.  The total amount owed will pass the total amount created sometime in 2012.   So, all you voters who wanted a more sophisticated, European-style government…thanks. 

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“Crazy”

A new study published in the journal “Pediatrics” showed that children raised by lesbians score higher than kids in straight families on some measures of self-esteem, do better academically, and are less likely to have behavioral problems.  I’ve never been so shocked in my life.   It took me thirty years of therapy to deal with having just the ONE mother. 

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“Ladies Night”

Will 2010 be the Year of the Mama Grizzly?  Republican women dominated primaries this week in California, Nevada, and South carolina.  The demographic domination is such that, come November, as many as six new Senators could be Republican women.  Mmmm….dominant Republican women…(whipcrack)…what, sorry, got distracted.   Okay, ready to tape?

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California Republican voters have chosen Meg Whitman to try to unseat longtime incumbent Barbara Boxer.  Roe Report analysts expect Whitman, the former CEO of eBay, to watch the campaign very, very closely until November, ultimately revealing the details of her bid with three seconds left in the election.

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“Shaft”

Financial industry analysts say politicians responding to the global financial crisis need to avoid being overly harsh when making new rules, claiming too many restrictions will hurt the global economy.   Great.  Wall Street is advising Washington how to regulate Wall Street.  And we know what that means for Main Street.  (“SHAFT!  You damn right.”)

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“Movin’ Out”

A new study found a 24-percent drop in heart attacks over the 10-year period from 1999 through 2008.  Seems like good news, but I wonder what happens if you extend that out through March 2009.   A Dow Jones at sixty-six hundred was worth at least three heart attacks for me alone. 

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“La Donna e Mobile”

California’s Republican Senate candidate, Carly Fiorina, has learned a little something about open microphones.  Of her opponent, Sen. Barbara Boxer, Fiorina was caught saying:  ‘God, what is that hair?’”  And really, what can you expect when you let chicks run for higher offi (whack) OW! 

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“Chelsea Dagger”

The Chicago Blackhawks have brought the Stanley Cup back to Chicago, and city officials say  today’s victory parade could be attended by as many as three hundred and fifty thousand people.   That’s a darn big bandwagon.

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The US fought England to a 1-1 draw in World Cup action, after England’s keeper, Robert Green, allowed Clint Dempsey’s shot to leak past him and dribble into the Gulf.  I mean goal.  Is it just me or are the English having trouble stopping things these days?

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“Someday We’ll All Be Free”  

A new study shows divorce is contagious within social networks: Not only can your split influence your friends to get divorced, but it can also influence *their* friends.  Reasons for the contagion included the social acceptance of splitting up and the opportunity to see the pros and cons of divorce from afar.  Basically, life is high school with lawyers.

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“Tough Enough”

On the morning of his address to the nation on the Gulf disaster, 71% of Americans say the President hasn’t been “tough enough” with BP on the oil spill.  Look, I’m not happy either, but you can only yell so much.  What do you want him to do, bring the BP CEO to the address and kick his ass in the Oval Office…actually, that’d be *awesome*.    

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Pick some Kurupt

And finally, a real estate website listed the residence at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW as “For Sale” this weekend, a steal at just ten million dollars.  Okay, this is obviously an error.  If the White House was for sale, it would be priced in yuan.

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President Obama is urging lawmakers to approve almost fifty billion dollars in new aid to local governments, claiming the money is necessary to avoid layoffs of teachers, police and firefighters.   But  House *Majority* Leader Steny Hoyer says Congress has quote “spending fatigue”.  A *Democrat* says Congress is tired of spending money?  (SFX: KLAXON)

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(Vuvuzela hum)

(LOUD, over horns) WORLD CUP ORGANIZERS ARE CONSIDERING BANNING VUVUZELAS, THE PLASTIC HORNS THAT ARE RUINING THE MATCHES.  PLAYERS, FANS, BROADCASTERS, AND VIE…EXCUSE ME  (SFX: *CRUNCH*) and viewers have complained about the incessant droning of the instruments during play. 

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“Paparazzi”

(Audio: “Who are you!  Who are you!”)  That’s Democratic Congressman Bob Etheridge, caught on video grabbing a camera-wielding student by the neck.   Etheridge has since apologized for what some are calling an “assault”.  I can understand his confusion, though.  He really wasn’t famous enough to attract photographers and journalists…but he is noooooow…

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“The Price Is Right”

President Obama has announced the creation of a twenty-billion-dollar fund that will – excuse me, *is supposed to* – be used to compensate economic victims of the Gulf disaster: “If you or your business has suffered economic loss as a result of this spill, you will be able to file a claim.”  First in line to file for aid?  BP.

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“One Bourbon One Scotch One Beer”

The latest quote “female Viagra” failed to boost female sex drives in two separate studies, though users did report side effects like dizziness and fainting.   You know, if you’re willing to tolerate a little dizziness and loss of consciousness to improve a woman’s interest in sex…

…there’s already something that’s been doing that successfully for four thousand years. 

…we used to give them something for that in college.  OH COME ON!  I MEANT VODKA!

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“Oops I Did It Again”

(And finally,)

Activists are telling Congress that, because obscenity laws are insufficiently enforced, pornography has quote “flooded and polluted” the Internet.  They claim seventy percent of children have “accidentally” accessed porn on the Internet.  I can’t speak for the kids, but one hundred percent of radio talk show hosts polled “accidentally” access internet porn at least a few times a week.   (SFX, keyboard)  (deadpan) Yikes, there’s some now.

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What’d *you* do this weekend?  If you’re a broken oil well, you kept bubbling crude. If you’re the CEO of BP, you went to watch your luxury yacht race in England.   If you’re the President, you caught a ballgame with the fam and then played eighteen with Joe Biden. If you’re a Gulf shorebird, there’s a good chance you died.  And if you’re a person who watched all this on TV, you just got really, really pissed.

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Tonight, a special two-hour edition of “Larry King Live” will serve as a celebrity telethon to benefit victims of the Gulf oil spill.  In lieu of a punchline, let me just read the guest list: Justin Bieber (rimshot) Ted Danson (rimshot) Cameron Diaz (rimshot, chuckles) Randy Jackson (rimshot) Ryan Seacrest (rimshot, crowd murmur) Sting (rimshot, big laughter) and of course, Larry King himself (rimshot, laughter, applause).  (brightly)  Well, that oughta help.

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(dry)

Hi, this is Roe.   I’d like to apologize for today’s final punchline.  Totally irresistible though. 

*ahem*

(music)

And finally, after an equipment malfunction led to undercooked meatballs, the Campbell Soup company is recalling 15 million pounds of Spaghetti-Os.  Of the economic impact on Campbell’s,  Roe Report analysts said…*sigh*…(Audio: “Uh-oh, Spaghetti-O’s!”)

Again, you people, I apologize.

(Round One is here.)

Round Two

The email:

Below is the application for the Onion News Network for a position as a FREELANCE contributing writer. We ask all interested writers to submit the material requested below to be reviewed by our head writer and staff writers.

Thanks,
The Onion News Network

APPLICATION PROMPT: There are TWO parts to the application.

(1) Write 10 ideas for segments for our regular primetime news show (that is, not our morning show, not In The Know). Please write a headline or 10-ish word description for the segment and then a short explanation. Here’s (an example from a segment) we have already released:
– Donkey Basketball Phenom Goes Directly From Farm to Donkey Basketball League — We interview the farmer and discuss whether or not this is the right move for the donkey. Most donkeys spend some time playing informal donkey basketball games before moving on to the larger, traveling donkey basketball league. We also talk about the raw “carrying a person around its back” skill of this donkey and the fact that it is already being called one of the greatest players ever.

The entry:

1) DEVELOPING: God Accidentally Unleashes Plague Of Spyware – Computer networks around the world are crashing after God opened an attachment sent unto Him by someone He did not know. Computer technicians shown frantically marking hard drives with blood and smudging PCs with sage. Vatican denies it was a porn site.

2) Upcoming “Wii Fuck” Expected To Shatter All Video Game Sales Records – Nintendo releasing followup to Wii Fit, which will build and expand on the Wii Balance Board, but include many more unique peripherals. Activities fit into one of four categories: Pitching, Catching, Kinky, and Multiplayer. Footage of development includes motion-capture suit technology and beta-testers playing the game. EXCLUSIVE: ONN debuts Wii Fuck trailer.

3) Gay Men Now Only Men In Favor Of Marriage – While gay men fight for the right to get married, incredulous straight men fight for liberation. We report live from demonstrations, and show footage of activist testimony before Congress. Straight men compare their situation to the pre-Civil Rights era, and pine for the free sex and childless irresponsibility of homosexuality. There’s a spirited exchange between a pro-marriage man and a pro-liberation man. First look at new “Someday We’ll All Be Free” PSA.

4) Growing Acceptance Of Elder Abuse As Lifespans, Complaining Increase – As people live longer and bitch more, it’s more acceptable to hit them. Results of new poll unveiled. Impact of cable news, US declines in manufacturing, and kids today assessed as contributing factors. Increasingly tedious old people offer comment until reporter belts one. Younger people comment on how life slowly reached a point where letting Nana have it or locking Poppy in the basement were really the only viable nonlethal options.

5) Dog Track Closing, Seeks Adoptive Homes For Abandoned Patrons – When dog tracks close, good-hearted people rush to adopt retired greyhounds. But what about the fat, cigar-smoking patrons in porkpie hats? Meet the people who strive to place them in new homes. See families romping happily with new “Uncle Paulie”. Testimonials about ease of care — they don’t smell nearly as bad as you’d think, they just need a betting window and a paper cup of cheap beer — and a somber note about euthanizing .

6) Douchebags Celebrate “Douchebag Pride Week” - Break out your trilby hats and Axe Body Spray: It’s Douchebag Pride Week. We examine the history of the movement, including an interview with the Ed Hardy t-shirt designer. Footage of Las Vegas’ Douchebag Pride Parade, the nation’s oldest and largest. Live interview with obnoxious President of American Douchebag Association about plans for a Douchebag Hall Of Fame.

7) BREAKING NEWS: Dora the Explorer Dead Of Exposure In Australian Outback - Details are still sketchy but the death was just confirmed by a devastated Diego. Speculation begins: Where was Map? What happened to Backpack? Spongebob Squarepants and Elmo issue statements of grief and condolence. TMZ reports more to the story than sun and dehydration, implies love triangle with Boots and Isa. Abuela unloads tirade of rage and grief (in Spanish) at media and Australian government.

8 ) Opportunity To Someday Be President “Last Straw” For Many Black Schoolchildren – Inner-city schoolchildren already had enough problems without the crushing pressure of possibly being President. Former honor students gathered around flaming garbage can with 40’s talk about burnout. Bitter, miserable teachers get defensive about ‘encouragement’. Child psychologists argue about whether or not setting realistic expectations is sensible or unkind. A lesser Kennedy cousin refers to this as “equality”.

9) Scientists Unveil Grand Unifying Theory Of “Unintelligent Design” – New and completely inarguable breakthrough scientific theory proposes that God created the universe, and all inconsistencies and evidence employed to contest theory are consistent with the central idea that God is not terribly bright. Theory is explained in layman’s terms. Creationists and scientists equally flummoxed and angered by inability to question theory. Anchor notes God’s failure to comment, which is cited as support for new theory.

10) Sequels To “The Beatles: Rock Band” Predictably Disappointing – Details released on followup to popular title. Can choose one of four tedious, embarrassing solo adventures. Footage of testers halfheartedly playing “Maybe I’m Amazed”. Exclusive game footage of Lennon Mode, a first-person shooter involving two hours of loitering outside the Dakota. Gamers assess impact of crappy sequel on legacy of first game.

“The Ballad of John and Yoko”

Tiger Woods has often been called machinelike out on the links, but at Friday’s apology press conference, his warmth and humanity really shone through: (pick a couple of quotes and run them through the Robot setting on the harmonizer, then)

Gentlemen, analysis? “Well, Roe, he’s smack in the middle of the Ninth here at Twelve Step Municipal, the legendary Amend Corner, and this one’s jolly difficult. It’s riddled with traps. His approach was a little rough, but he’s left himself a chance with his next pitch. That’d take Tiger to two under through nine steps, with three to play. This is a long way from over.”

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X-Files theme or some Dead Kennedys

The FBI’s final report on 2001’s anthrax attacks has concluded that the attacks were the work of a government scientist – *that’s* reassuring – named Bruce Ivins. Ivins, who called himself “Crazy Bruce” – that’s even better – committed suicide nineteen months ago. A conveniently dead nutjob did it alone? Guys…you already used that one.

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“What’d I Say”

Addressing CPAC, Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty told conservatives to learn from Elin Woods: (AUDIO?) “I think we should take a page out of her playbook and take a 9-iron and smash the window out of big government!” Pawlenty did not, however, go so far as to promise he would divorce big government, take half of big government’s money, and move the GOP back to Sweden to live with its mom.

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“Flipper”

New research has discovered that dolphins are the only animals other than humans to develop type 2 adult-onset diabetes. The discovery could offer insight into a disease linked to five percent of deaths. The problem, however, is getting dolphins to stop swimming and park their fat tails on the couch long enough to be comparable to humans.

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General Alexander Haig is dead, leaving the Haig household unclear as to who is in control of the TV remote.

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Any John Philip Sousa

As if Canada wasn’t embarassed enough already, the US Olympic hockey team knocked off the Canadians 5-3. We have the audio from game’s end. Prepare for goosebumps: (Ambient: Crowd noise, countdown, U-S-A! U-S-A!) “Eleven seconds, you’ve got ten seconds, the countdown going on right now! Parese up to Kesler. Five seconds left in the game. Do you believe in modest upsets free of political symbolism? *YES*!” (crowd roar, horn)

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“Highway to Hell”

Health care reform got a fresh…no, I just can’t. Nothing new. No developments. More bickering and slogans. No one has changed their mind. This health care nightmare is like a ten-car accident with taxis: Everyone’s screaming in a different language, traffic is stalled for miles, and now the insurance companies are involved and it’s just gonna get worse.

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“Every Breath You Take”

Apple who recently loosened their rules on “adult” material, is now cracking down on “inappropriate” apps. Several thousand apps have been banned, including one devoted to a certain pornstar who shall remain nameless, at least until she has the decency to respond to phone calls, texts, flowers, and long, handwritten sonnets that come straight from the heart.

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“Because I Got High”

A new study shows that in the last ten years, marijuana use has nearly tripled among people in their mid-to late fifties, and experts expect further increases as 78 million baby boomers age. In response to the study, late-night pancake peddlers Dennys, IHOP, and Waffle House all announced the immediate termination of senior discounts.

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“I Kissed A Girl”

In a new effort to wring every last spark of fame from her fading light, Lindsay Lohan claims ex-girlfriend Samantha Ronson is the only woman she’s ever been attracted to, and said she quote “would probably be with a boy next.” Lohan spoke to the press this week for the first time since being named a Hot Mess Of The Year finalist.

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“Climb Ev’ry Mountain”

Continuing its pursuit of nuclear weapons, Iran is now considering building uranium enrichment plants inside mountains to thwart air strikes. In response, the US and UN issued *very* sternly worded memos to the rogue nation warning them that the empty threats and outraged speeches would continue until it was too late to do anything.

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“Take On Me”

Consumer confidence dropped sharply in February, with one gauge dropping to its lowest level since 1983. However, according to Report economic analysts, since the economy recovered dramatically post-1983, the drop in optimism can be entirely attributed to fears that the recovery will include the return of parachute pants, shoulder pads, and a-ha.

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“Fame”

Bristol Palin will guest star this season on “The Secret Life of the American Teenager”, saying, “I am thrilled to be on this show and to be a part of a program that educates teens and young adults about the consequences of teen pregnancy.” One consequence apparently being TV guest shots. Bristol…don’t you wish your life was a little *more* secret?

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“Working Man Blues”

And finally, Wall Street bonuses were up 17 percent last year on record profits. And on behalf of every capitalism-loving libertarian-leaning red-blooded patriotic American who believes wholeheartedly in the free market, let me say to those Wall Street bonus recipients: F— you.

“…sing a little bit of these working man blues…”

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“Entry of the Gladiators” or “Going the Distance”

Today’s the day! The televised health care reform showdown at the White House.

(SFX: boxing ring bell – 4-5 dings)

In this corner, the majority without authority, the team that puts the left in left behind, weighing in with fifty-nine votes, the Democratic Party.

And in this corner, the world’s only rich white minority, the three-letter word, the blockers in Dockers, weighing in with forty-one votes (but the last one’s a doozy), the G! O! P!.

Republicans! Democrats! Obstruction! Self destruction! Next, on ABC!

(SFX: boxing ring bell, once.)

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In lieu of music, a countdown, a la New Year’s Eve?

Voter unhappiness with Congress has reached record lows. Only 10% of voters say Congress is doing a good job. The numbers have been dropping steadily for years, and now the first perfect approval rating in recorded history is within reach. Can they do it? I say yes.

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“Take The Money And Run”

ABC News has announced plans to cut up to twenty-five percent of it’s staff in a quote transformation of (abrupt stop beat beat beat) Just kidding, you people. I don’t work for ABC anymore. (sotto voce) Thank god.

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“Yellow Submarine”

The navy is going to lift the ban on female submariners. And I would like to point out that I am above making jokes using any of the following terms: Hot-bunking, porthole, torpedo, seaman, seamen, hatch, or head. Really, I think this is an important step. Now all the closeted gay sailors will have someone to talk to about shoes.

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“Dragnet”

A veteran Seaworld employee was attacked and killed yesterday. Authorities are on the lookout for a black and white male, twenty-two feet tall and weighing approximately twelve thousand pounds. Police spokesmen declined comment on whether the attack could be a hate crime.

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(This might be my favorite joke I have written for the Report this year:)

Super Mario Brothers Theme

And finally, Nintendo has unveiled its latest handheld game player, which can also be used as a book reader, like Amazon’s Kindle. Nintendo will release books for the device starting with The Brothers Karamazov, followed quickly by Super Karamazov Brothers, Super Karamazov Brothers Two, and The Legend of Zelda Fitzgerald.

(Mario music sting)

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As if life wasn’t hard enough on the unemployed, yesterday’s C-SPAN offering to those poor unfortunate souls with enough free time to watch six hours of daytime TV was worse than any soap opera, game show, or trash tv has ever been: (Apppropriate audio) Come *ON*. You wouldn’t show that stuff to prisoners at Guantanamo Bay.

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The California Assembly approved a resolution making the first week of March “Cuss Free Week.” They seriously handed out swear you’re supposed to put coins in if you swear. The coins will be used to help close the budget hole those assholes are ignoring to do stuff like invent “Cuss Free Week.”

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Attorneys for Tiger Woods have blocked PETA’s plans to put up a billboard featuring Tiger Woods that paired the golfer’s image with the caption “Too much sex can be a bad thing”, and urged the spaying and neutering of pets. You’d think Tiger’d be relieved someone still wants to put his face in an ad.

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“Yoda” or “Eat It”

New Ukrainian President Yanukovich promised to make his country “a bridge between East and West” at his inauguration. President Yanukovich said it was in Ukraine’s interest to build close relations with Russia, the Europe, and the U.S. He then made a surprise commitment to stop making albums of parody songs for the length of his term.

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“My Humps”

(And finally,)
A woman’s size-D breast implants may have saved her life. When a man opened fire in her office, Lydia Carranza survived a close-range bullet to the chest, and her doctor gives at least partial credit to the implant. What can we learn from this, America? Well… *seatbelts* save lives, and *those* are mandatory…

“Brass Monkey”

And finally, much of the nation remained indoors this weekend, trying to ride out temperatures lower than Congress’ approval rating.  Normally an event like this leads to a baby boom nine months hence, but, cmon, it’s too cold for that.  Women are wearing ski pants to bed, and men aren’t taking any chances with their own anatomy after what happened to that poor: (”Brass Monkey”) 

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“Folsom Prison Blues”

(”I hear that train a comin’, it’s rolling ’round the bend”)

Heavy snow and frigid temperatures forced cancellations of cross-country train trips this weekend.  The Empire Builder, which normally runs from Chicago to Seattle, will run no further west than St.Paul.   Word of advice to you stranded travelers?  (heavy sarcasm) “Airplanes”.

(”…but those people keep a-movin’…and that’s what tortures me.”)

(Alt punchline: “Big disappointment for those of you hoping to visit Seattle in 1895.”

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“When You Wish Upon A Star”

* It snowed in Orlando this weekend.   So, those of you who’ve committed to doing something when hell freezes over…you’re up.

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“Fight The Power”

* The furor is growing over reports that Senator Harry Reid said in 2008 that Barack Obama spoke “with no Negro dialect, unless he wanted to.”  Now GOP Chairman Michael Steele says Reid should step down as Senate Democratic leader.  Reid denied racism and added that there wasn’t a Chinaman’s chance he’d resign.

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* White House economic advisor Christina Romer says the nation’s unemployment rate is “still terrible” but said improvement was expected this year.   However, Roe Report analysts expect the unemployment rate to keep rising for some time – especially among White House economic advisors. 

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“I Will Survive”

* Retiring Democratic Sen. Chris Dodd says of health care reform, “If this is all about surviving politically, then we’re missing the whole purpose of what we’re supposed to be doing.”  Senator, I have here in my hand (SFX) one hundred American dollars that say you can’t explain to me anything you’ve done for the last twenty years without mentioning political survival. 

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“Rescue Me”

* Ford, who took no bailout money, and who earned a billion dollars in the third quarter while making its first market share gains in years, swept both the Car of the Year *and* Truck of the Year awards at the Detroit Auto Show.  You know what’d go well with those awards?  A Nobel Prize in Economics.  

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“Welcome To The Machine”

* A company claims to have created the world’s first sex robot that responds to, um, stimuli.  Hobbyists, however, say it is only the world’s first *heterosexual* sex robot, as the title of first gay robot has already been claimed: “Hel-lo sir!  I am C3P0, human-cyborg relations!”
 
http://www.jedisaber.com/SW/Sounds/ANH052.wav 

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Irish Rovers, “The Unicorn”

And finally, Pope Benedict is criticizing the failure to sign a climate change treaty in Copenhagen, saying that world peace depends on safeguarding God’s creation.  Hey, yer Holiness — tell yer boss He made this mess, and He can clean it up.  He *has* done it before…

(”…God seen some sinnin’ and it gave him pain.   He said ‘Stand back, I’m gonna make it rain!”)

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(I assume “Idol” has a theme song?)

Simon Cowell is leaving “American Idol” after this season, but says it won’t hurt the show. “I think its like having a good player in a good football team…(edit)…when the football player retires its still a good team.”  (pause) Simon…that was…an atrocity.  Your metaphor was strained, the insincerity was embarassing, and your logic wouldn’t make sense to a goat.  Get off the stage.  Next!   

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“Go Cubs Go”

Former Cubs pitcher Steve Trachsel, who gave up Mark McGwire’s 62nd home run in 1998, says that in the wake of his steroid confession, all of Mark McGwire’s home runs are tainted.   Tracks…do you seriously think the steroids were a bigger advantage than facing *you*? 

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“Everybody Knows”

A new study has found that the more TV you watch, the greater chance of obesity, heart disease, and death.  Considering ing Sarah Palin’s signing with Fox News and Mark McGwire’s steroid admission, the race for Least Surprising News Story of the Month is now a three-way dead heat.

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“Mack the Knife” if you can stomach hearing it.

Jimi Hendrix’s estate will release a new album, “Valleys of Neptune,” featuring a dozen unreleased recordings.  Janie Hendrix, Jimi’s sister, calls the material a “major revelation” about her brother’s musical direction when he died.  That’s not necessarily good.  Please tell me there’s no duet with Jimmy Buffett.

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A bill legalizing marijuana in California has been approved by a key committee, over the dire warnings of law enforcement, who claim this is the first step toward legalizing harder drugs.  However, a representative for marijuana responded, “Uhhhhhhhhhhh.  (pause)  Heh-heh.  (pause) ‘Sup?”

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Jay Leno and Conan O’Brien are putting a funny face on the scheduling problem at NBC: “My people are upset. Conan’s people are upset. Hey, NBC said they wanted drama at 10.* “  Hey, question: If a controversy falls on NBC, and nobody watches it, is it still dramatic?

****

And a rare attempt at funny-ish, from a longer bit written for the day after the Haiti quake:

Here’s another metaphor: America is, in time of crisis, a giant army of overbearing benevolent ethnic mothers.  “You look tired.   Let us get you something to eat.   Lie down.  Here, drink this.  Sit still.   Let me put this on your forehead.   You want another sandwich?   I can make this better if you just let me.  I’m here to help.”

****

“Baby Got Back”

(”I like big butts and I cannot lie…”)

Two new studies show that the rise in American obesity is slowing down.  A spokesman for obesity, however, says that it was quote “just a little winded” and should be moving again shortly, adding that if it continued to struggle it quote “might get a motorized scooter.”  

****

“Cadillac Ranch”

The heath care negotiators have reached a deal to tax “Cadillac” health insurance plans.  The plans are so known because they’re very expensive to run, their time is past, but they’re still owned by voters who are likely to whack you for touching their Cadillac.

(”…headin’ up the highway like a big ol’ dinosaur!”)

****

The director of the OMB says government is inefficient because workers have old computers.  Well, we can spring for new PCs.  Please have each federal employee fill out five copies of Form ECB-6877 – separately – have each one notarized, and bring the application to an inconvenient location between 10 and 1015am on any Wednesday.  You will hear from our office in four to thirty-six weeks.  No phone calls.

****

“Still the Same”

And finally, Republicans hoping to be the next governor of Illinois held a “debate” this week during which they all promised to fix the state’s budget crisis by cutting spending instead raising taxes.   None of them offered specifics.  Oh, crap, wait, this story is from 2006.  Or 2002.   Or 1998.   Or 1976.  Or 1960.  Or 1948.  (And so on…crossfade the numbers out and the music up.)

There are twelve steps involved in a haircut.  I enjoy none of them.

The Decision:
When do you need a haircut? The line, for me, is not just between “Needs A Haircut” and “Doesn’t Need A Haircut”. There is a third category, “Should Get A Haircut”.

The line between “Doesn’t Need A Haircut” and “Should Get A Haircut” is subtle. Things get a little shaggy.

The line between “Should Get A Haircut” and “Needs A Haircut” is dramatic and upsetting. The top of my head quickly goes to one of two settings, Einstein or Combover.

 

The Scheduling:
The line into “Needs A Haircut” is usually crossed when I have no spare time and/or no spare money for six to ten days. Usually I manage to run into a Supercuts or the like ten minutes before closing, which ensures the staff is elated to see me.

 

The Decline:
Especially when I ruin their day right off by declining the shampoo. I don’t know why this bothers them. I wash my hair before I arrive, they get paid the same — more on this later — and neither of us has to breathe the heavy floral scent that smells like it was designed to mask the odor of a July suicide no one noticed for a few weeks.

 

The Question:
This is the worst part:

“How do you want it cut?”

I want it long. And fuller on top. And farther down my forehead. If you can’t do that, don’t rub it in. Just quietly cut every hair to fifty percent of current length. We both feel bad for me. Let’s not talk about it.

 

The Small Talk:
I get my hair cut in Miami or Chicago. In Miami the cutter speaks Spanish. In Chicago she speaks Polish. Either way I’m in trouble if I stray from the phonetically-memorized How-Are-You-How-Was-Your-Holiday-What-Do-You-Do script. Talk on your cellphone if you need a friend. Just stop pretending we’re enjoying this.

 

The Sideburns:
There is no answer to the question “How long you want sideburns?” that will not be met with eloquently judgmental eyebrows saying “Seriously?”. Don’t ask me. Just pick something. They’ll grow back.

 

The Neck:
I am aware it is difficult to discern where shaving the neck leaves off and shaving the back begins. Unsnapping the tissue-collar and smock is fine. Pulling out the neck of my tshirt is both insulting and itchy. I’m not really into tank tops ,so just go ahead and stop at the collar. Thanks.

 

The Ears:
Men of a certain age require a quick glide over the ears with the clippers. I am of that age. Treat this like the doctor treats the hernia check: You know we have to do it. Don’t loudly ask me if I want it. Just do it.

 

The Top:
Do I want it “longer on top”?  Yes.   Good luck.

 

The Gel:
Do I want gel? As what, polish?   Look, I know corporate gives you this script, but it’s okay to go off-book.

 

The Bill:
It is ridiculous to list the price of “shampoo and haircut” as $15 if you are going to charge that without the shampoo, too. Who’s your marketing department? Charge $15 for the cut and throw in the shampoo free.

Speaking of marketing. Attention Supercuts, Haircuttery, etc: The first among you to offer the Bald Budget Bargain, which I propose be $10 inclusive for ten minutes with a silent professional who will simply neaten things up and send you on your way, will thrive beyond your wildest imaginings. I’m talking doubled stock price and customer loyalty greater that than of the Chicago Cubs.

 

The Tip:
I have worked for tips. I am a really good tipper. I always add $3 to the haircut price. But let me vent: You ran clippers over my head, yammered about nothing, and embarassed me. If I want to sit in a chair and feel abused without physical contact, I’d rather have a better-looking woman in a catsuit do it. It might cost more, but I would, strangely, feel less violated.

And HER I would tip cheerfully.