Asterisk denotes use….
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“Run Like Hell”
Traffic has returned to normal in the Windy City after Sunday’s Chicago Marathon. I can’t speak for all the other participants, but I’m still in a lot of pain. I sat on my balcony and watched every single participant run by while I drank 26.2 margaritas in their honor. I trained all year for that, but man, I’m hurting. Maybe I didn’t stretch enough.
(”…run…run…run…run…”)
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EMF, “Unbelievable”
The repercussions to Barack Obama’s shock win of the Nobel Peace Prize continue to roll in. Hillary Clinton suggested he won for his “vision”. Numerous newspapers called for him to decline the prize, or at least the money. Cuban dissidents lauded the win. And Vegas put him just behind Albert Pujols in the race for NL MVP. Don’t laugh – does he really deserve the MVP *that* much less?
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“Respect”
Indiana University professor Elinor Ostrom and collaborator Oliver Williamson took the Nobel Prize in Economics for their work linking the economy with the environment. Ostrom is the first woman to win the ten million kroner prize, something reflected in the fact that she will take home only 75.5% as much of the prize money as her male counterpart.
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“The Mickey Mouse Club”
The Obama administration accused Fox News Sunday of being shills for the Republican Party. In an interview on *snerk* CNN, White House Communications Director Anita Dunn said “Fox News often operates almost as either the research arm or the communications arm of the Republican Party.” As a member of the media, I find this whole accusation offensive. The idea that professional journalists are biased shills is RIDICULOUS! (Cheesy DJ style) It’s almost as ridiculous as not watching “Dancing With The Stars” tonight on ABC!
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“Entry of the Gladiators” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g094B573iWI&feature=related)
The Senate Finance Committee has passed Max Baucus’ health care reform bill, on a vote that split right down party lines, except for the soon to be former Senator from Maine, Olympia Snowe. The plan, which does not contain a public option, will now be debated by the full Senate. And if you thought this issue generated a lot of sound and fury BEFORE, oh, just you wait. The next month is going to make the last six look like a friendly discussion of what to get on the pizza.
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Theme from “The Jeffersons”
A homeless Russian has gone from hobo to high-roller after trading thousands of empty booze bottles for cash. Leonid Konovalov collected around 2,000 bottles a day when the economic downturn hit Russia, and invested the proceeds — seventy-five-thousand dollars — in the stock market, after being encouraged to by his grandchildren. I collected a lot of bottles during the market plunge, too, and all it got me was a lifetime ban from Gibson’s Steakhouse.
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“Down With The Sickness”
Health Magazine has released a to-do list to help you people prepare for the coming swine flu outbreak. Let’s see how I’m doing:
Track outbreaks in your area online, check.
Get a pneumonia vaccine, check.
Get a flu shot, check.
Stay home, check.
Wash hands obsessively, double check.
Don’t panic.
Well, five out of six isn’t bad.
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Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele has unveiled the new GOP.com, which, in a perfect bit of symbolism, wasn’t working at all yesterday afternoon when I tried to check it out. As I understand it, though, the site will someday contain news, blogs, social media, and a premium members-only area featuring uncensored photos of big, gorgeous, and obviously fake Barack Obama birth certificates. Be forewarned, though — the site requires a lot of right-clicking.
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(Graf One: “Whoomp There It Is”. Graf Two: “We’ll Meet Again”)
*The Dow Jones Industrial Average (briefly?) passed ten thousand points yesterday for the second time in less than thirteen months — this time, going the right way. The market rallied on renewed bank profits and retail sales that fell less than expected.
I don’t want to be the Baby Ruth in the swimming pool, here, but I’d feel a lot better if the “good news” stopped being “news that’s not as awful as expected” and started being actual genuine GOOD news. And, hey, Wall Street, don’t some of those renewed bank profits belong to us bailout-paying taxpayers?
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“Send In The Clowns”
Just as two Republican senators climb on board the health care reform trainwreck, a major Democratic ally gets off. Twenty-seven US labor unions have announced opposition to the measure passed yesterday by the Senate Finance Committee, even after White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel specifically asked them not to go public with their opposition. You’d think Rahm would’ve known *that* was pointless, but apparently he’s never asked a union worker to do anything before.
By the way, Democratic party, let me put you on notice: You have the White House, both houses of Congress, and a filibuster-proof majority in the Senate. I don’t want to hear anything else about Republicans blocking health care reform. You guys are imploding fine on your own.
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“Holiday Road”
US negotiators have tentatively agreed to a weapons inspection program that would allow Russians to visit American nuclear sites to count missiles and warheads. The plan would okay more intrusive visits than ever before, but would still not include the right to take pictures, walk around without a tour guide, or purchase souvenir foam hats shaped like nuclear warheads.
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“Gin & Juice”
The new Australian version of the Mazda CX-7 cuts emissions using a special liquid similar to – get this – human urine. The compound is a mixture of one-third pure urea and two-thirds demineralised water. The technology, called selective catalyst reduction, involves injecting the liquid into the car’s exhaust system. I vaguely recall doing something similar to my college roommate’s Dodge Dart once after sixteen Heinekens. Of all the ideas I’ve ever had, who knew *that* was the one I shoulda patented?
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“American Bad Ass” or “Boot Scoot Boogie”
In the biggest shocker in television history, former Ultimate Fighting Champion Chuck “The Iceman” Liddell was voted off “Dancing With Stars” last night, after his Texas Two-Step wasn’t enough of a knockout. I would like to commend the brave men and women who voted against the former light heavyweight champion, and express my sympathy to their families.
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“Viva Las Vegas”
Garth Brooks, who to our national shame is the best-selling solo musician in US history, has announced that he will end his retirement with an extended run at the Wynn Casino and Hotel in Las Vegas. Brooks replaces the late celebrity impersonator Danny Gans, thus replacing a fake star with a fake musician.
In related news, Southern California scientists briefly raised alarm over a series of tremors yesterday, but the epicenter was traced to Palm Springs, where Frank Sinatra is violently spinning in his grave.
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“Take the Money and Run”
*According to the Federal government, stimulus funds have saved or created about 1,100 jobs in Texas so far. So far, Texas has been awarded 236 stimulus-funded contracts worth $534 million. Roe Report analysts crunched the numbers, and that works out to $485454.55 per job “saved or created”. Sounds like they’re only hiring executives from Lehman Brothers.
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“The Gambler”
*Concert promoter AEG are openly predicting that This Is It, the upcoming movie compiled from Michael Jackson’s high-def concert rehearsal footage, will make a staggering “$250 million in its first 5 days”. I have to make a phone call. “Hello, Vinnie? R.C. The Jackson thing? TAKE THE UNDER!”
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“Money Makes The World Go Round”
President Barack Obama called on Congress Wednesday to approve $250 payments to more than 50 million seniors to make up for no increase in Social Security next year. By law, increases are pegged to inflation, and there has been negative inflation this year, so no raises; the first year without an increase in Social Security since 1975. Obama also announced that the IRS would issue tax guidance on the payments later, as the tax status of “income derived wholly or in part from a shameless naked bribe” has not yet been resolved.
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“Chantilly Lace”
“Hellllllooooooo baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaby!”
Meghan McCain, daughter of Senator John McCain, is at the center of controversy after “inadvertently” posting a spectacular photo of her cleavage on Twitter. I have studied this deeply divided issue carefully from all angles, and I just cannot bring myself to choose between the right or left. I would like to fall firmly in the center on this issue. Call me a straddler if you will, but, on two such critical issues, I am very, very firmly going right up the center aisle.
(Oh baby that’s what I like!)
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“Wild Blue Yonder”
Friday’s wild-balloon chase that had emergency workers and TV crews – in roughly equal numbers – chasing a flying saucer all over Colorado has been officially declared a hoax. Larimer County Sheriff Jim Alderden said “…it was a publicity stunt done with the hope of marketing themselves to a reality television show…†And, given the family’s intention…you know, I really hate to say this, and I feel kinda scummy, but…great job. There was more imagination in that stunt than there is in a whole year of “The Jay Leno Show”.
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Rolling Stones, “Bitch”
The Obama administration has declared war on Fox News! “The way the president looks at it, and we look at it, is, it is not a news organization so much as it has a perspective,” White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel said on CNN’s “State of the Union.” CNN President Jonathan Klein, seated next to Emanuel, agreed warmly with the Chief of Staff’s statements, and for his trouble received a biscuit and a friendly scratch behind his right ear.
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Pink, “Stupid Girls”
Kourtney Kardashian is the latest Hollywood starlet to have her home burglarized. More than a hundred thousand dollars in jewelry was stolen this weekend from her home. A rash of home burglaries have plagued young female stars in the last year: Paris Hilton, Audrina Patridge, and Lindsay Lohan’s homes have all been broken into. And here I thought telling the girls to start being careful about how many men get in was a euphemism!
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“Been Caught Stealing”
Galleon Group founder Raj Rajaratnam has been released on $100 million bail, the highest ever set in the United States, for an alleged $20 million insider-trading scheme. Rajaratnam is charged with four counts of conspiracy and seven counts of securities fraud. I’m no lawyer, but doesn’t his ability to come up with that kind of bail money prove he’s guilty of SOMETHING?
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I can’t recall if there’s a recognizable piece of music associated with “Carrie”. If not, I dunno, “High School Confidential”?
* Calling the network a “Republican Party mouthpiece”, the White House is calling on other news outlets to isolate Fox News. Strategists question the Obama administration’s decision to escalate its offensive against Fox News, but it does seem to be working. Observers report that no one sat with Fox at lunch today, and the network was later seen tearfully reporting that “MSNBC called me fat”. Most intriguingly, rumors persist of an internal White House controversy over whether or not to dump a bucket of pig’s blood on Fox at the President’s next news conference.
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“The Old Gray Mare”
In it’s latest cost-cutting move, the New York Times plans to shed nearly ten percent of the newsroom staff by the end of the year. The Times hopes to achieve the cuts through buyouts but will resort to layoffs if it can’t get the requisite number of volunteers. Given that the choice newspaper employees are facing is “Take this severance money and move on, or stay at your desk while the industry goes down in flames around you”, I don’t think getting *enough* volunteers is going to be a problem.
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“Sweet Home Chicago”
Chicago Mayor Richard Daley announced five weeks of unpaid leave next year for all non-union city workers as part of a plan to save 114 million dollars. The city will also eliminate vacant jobs, and cut spending on travel and supplies. Union employees and even ghost payrollers are expected to take cuts as well. City employees that will be forced to take the five weeks unpaid leave reacted with fury, claiming that this furlough amounts to working for free, as they were already being paid for doing nothing.
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(Music: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0J5g2IuZhCY )
475 years after Henry the Eighth broke the Church of England’s ties with Rome, the Vatican has worked out a way for Anglicans to rejoin the Catholic Church. This culmination of a years-long negotiation process between the two faiths was described by a Vatican spokesmen as “putting the band back together”, with a passing Cardinal adding “We’re on a mission from God.”
( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dzOHq5WbQ8k )
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“Brady Bunch Theme”, then flip out, “Christmas Vacation”-style.
Nadya Suleman, the Octomom, has admitted to a crush on Jon Gosselin, of Jon and Kate Plus Eight. (scratch) Look, can we stop this right now? I make a lot of fun of reality Tv, but there’s a line, okay? THERE’S A LINE! THERE’S A FREAKIN’ LINE, AND NADYA AND JON PLUS, I DUNNO, SEVENTY OR WHATEVER, IS JUST OVER IT. ENOUGH. I”M SORRY WE CREATED YOU. (defeated) Please. Don’t. Do. This. Just…anything. We give up. Please stop. (sigh) Where’s the tylenol?
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(This one might be my favorite so far.)
“Legalize It”
* In a major policy shift, the Obama administration has stopped the prosecutions of patients who use marijuana for medical reasons. The decision was praised by activists, but concern remains among some medical and law enforcement authorities about hundreds of clinics thought to be selling pot without regard to medical necessity. Reporters at the White House made repeated efforts to reach White House Senior Advisor David Axelrod before being told by the Oval Office “Dave’s not here!”
(http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=6050855 )