Blood And Thunder

In order to submit to be a staff writer (full time for 13 – 20 weeks), please submit 20 headline jokes as described above as well as 2 Onion News Network video scripts (3-5 pages each). Watch the ONN videos at www.theonion.com/video for inspiration about how to approach format, style and pacing. Please write scripts based on the following two ideas:

1. KENTUCKY BILL ALLOWS GAYS TO MARRY IN OTHER STATES:

A new bill passed by the Kentucky state legislature allows the state’s homosexual couples to legally marry anywhere outside  Kentucky. The story is treated as a milestone for gay rights, as  they are now entitled to the same rights as heterosexual married couples, provided they do not marry (or possibly live as a married couple) within the Bluegrass State. The unstated subtext of course is the Kentucky just wants the gays out.

2. DORITOS ANNOUNCES SWITCH TO FAIR TRADE FLAMIN’ HABANERO

Piece treats an ultra-artificial snack ingredient as though it has been produced from the land for thousands of years in South America. Frito-Lay promises never to exploit the noble, careworn workers, covered in orange flavor powder, who make their snacks possible.  Joke is about how unnatural the ingredient is, and also about the appropriation and distortion of other cultures.

 

* * * * *

 

KENTUCKY BILL ALLOWS GAYS TO MARRY IN OTHER STATES

 

INT. STATEHOUSE, KENTUCKY FLAG

GAVEL-WIELDING POLITICIAN: (pounding gavel) The Yays are one hundred, the nays are zero; y’all, the great state of Kentucky has made history!  (wild cheers)

 

INT. ONN STUDIO

ANCHOR: And made history they have; today the Kentucky House of Representatives joined the State Senate in unanimously legalizing gay marriage in other states.   The bill, the first of its kind in the nation,  recognizes (V/O with scrolling quote from bill) ‘the right of all persons to marry another person of the same gender as they are, so long as they-all choose to do so outside the lawful, God-fearing borders of the state of Kentucky.’  (back to anchor)  Reaction has been mixed.

 

EXT. STATE HOUSE, MAN ID’d AS “LUTHER JACKSON, PRESIDENT, KENTUCKY GLAAD”

LUTHER: It’s right nice of them, and it’s surely more than we ever did expect.   This here is a victory for all gay and lesbian people, especially them that don’t already live in Kentucky. 

 

INT. PRESS CONFERENCE.  

POLITICIAN: Today we did a great thing.  Today we said ‘Hom’sexuals deserve the same rights as the rest of y’all got in the rest of America, out there in the rest of America!’    And we hope that they take full-out advantage of those rights. 

And to Kentucky’s fine gay and lesbo soon-to-be former citizens I say, congratulations on your weddin’s – now git packin’!  (laughter, applause)

 

INT. ONN STUDIO

 ANCHOR: But not everyone is pleased by today’s action.   

 

INT. PRESS CONFERENCE, MAN ID’d AS “PRESS SECRETARY TO THE GOVERNOR OF WEST VIRGINIA”

PRESS SEC: Now, look, it ain’t right that they went and did that.   And the good people of West Virginia just won’t stand for it.  Our governor’s already declared a state of emergency, and sent the National Guard to seal the border with Kentucky.  We encourage our citizenry to remain calm while we sort out this dreadful mess.

 

ANCHOR, V/O FOOTAGE OF TANKS

ANCHOR: Legal experts are mixed as to the ramifications of Kentucky’s bold action.  ONN correspondent Tom Lloyd talked to Clare Bernstein, a law professor at the University of Kentucky.

 

INT: OFFICE

BERNSTEIN: (admiringly) Well, I don’t think anyone even knows where to begin.  I mean, what an unbelievable hairball this is.  

LLOYD: So you’d describe the legal issues here as ‘difficult’?   ‘Challenging’?

BERNSTEIN: No, as ‘impossible’.  This is going to be a nightmare for all forty-nine states in which Kentucky has taken the initiative in legalizing gay marriage.  They’ve got a LOT of lawsuits in front of them.  Good luck to’ em.   They should have thought of this first.

LLOYD:  What does this new law mean for Kentucky?

BERNSTEIN: Well…it’s going to be a lot harder to get my hair done.  (laughs)

 

 

ONN STUDIO

ANCHOR: Gay activists are….basically confused:

 

INT. BUSY OFFICE OF MARRIAGE EQUALITY USA.  WOMAN ID’d AS ORGANIZATION’S PRESIDENT

WOMAN: I don’t believe this is real.  I mean, it feels like a dream.   Gay marriage is finally legal, and we owe it all to Kentucky?   I keep looking for the catch.    I mean, ‘stay out of Kentucky’, no problem, right, but this can’t be all we had to do.   You’re friggin’ telling me we just had to promise to stay out of some butthole backwater we weren’t visiting anyway and we could have had this twenty years ago?   I got outsmarted by people from a state where there’s counties that haven’t heard of shoes?   Somehow I expected this would feel more…triumphant. 

 

ONN STUDIO

ANCHOR: As the vote unfol…(pause)…excuse me, let’s go live to downtown Louisville, where the celebration and exodus are underway. 

 

EXT: HIGHWAY OVERPASS

DEMONSTRATORS CHEERING AS LOADED PRIUSES AND SUBARUS GET ON EXPRESSWAY.  CROWD SINGING “NA NA NA NA…NA NA NA NA…HEY HEY HEY ETC.”, WAVING PLACARDS READING “VIRGINIA IS FOR LOVERS” AND “GAY MARRIAGE IS A FUNDAMENTAL HUMAN RIGHT IN CHICAGO” “HONK IF YOU’RE LEAVING” AND THE LIKE.    MAN ADDRESSING CROWD THROUGH MEGAPHONE:

DEMONSTRATOR:  (MEGAPHONE) TODAY IS A GREAT DAY!   TODAY THE PEOPLE OF KENTUCKY STOOD UP AND SAID NO MORE!  NO MORE WILL FRUITS BE DENIED THEIR TRUE CIVIL RIGHTS IN GEORGIA OR ARKANSAS OR EVEN NEW YORK CITY.   TODAY KENTUCKY HAS STRUCK A BLOW FOR FREEDOM!   THE FREEDOM FOR HOMOSEXUALS TO LIVE AS HUSBAND AND HUSBAND, OR WIFE AND WIFE, OR HOWEVER THEY CALL IT, FREEDOM TO LIVE AS MARRIED FOLKS…IN MICHIGAN, OR MIAMI, OR EVEN MONTANA!  (addressing cars)  WE ARE PROUD OF YOU, DEVIANT FORMER RESIDENTS!   SPREAD THE WORD!  KENTUCKY WILL NOT STAND FOR UNEQUAL TREATMENT OF HER CITIZENS SO LONG AS THEY LIVE IN OTHER STATES!  NA NA NA NA…NA NA NA NA…HEY HEY HEY…

 

  ONN STUDIO

ANCHOR: Updating this story, Guinness has dispatched a team to monitor the number of lawsuits filed following passage of this bill, and has estimated a new world record will be set sometime in the next six hours.  We’ll keep you updated on the story.  

 

* * * * *

 

DORITOS ANNOUNCES SWITCH TO FAIR TRADE FIERY HABANERO

 

ONN STUDIO

ANCHOR: Snack giant Frito-Lay has joined the growing Fair Trade movement, today officially announcing they will switch from mass-produced Fiery Habanero powder for their Doritos to a more traditional, artisan-produced version of the piquant flavoring.   ONN Correspondent Tom Lloyd reports from Chiapas State in southern Mexico.

 

V/O WIDE SHOT OF ROUGH FARM

TOM: Ricardo Salvati’s family has worked this land for generations.   The family made a subsistence living, growing their own food, building what they could and trading their spicy, delicious handmade chip flavoring for what they couldn’t build for over a hundred years.   But then, (picture goes black and white) ten years ago, tragedy struck.

 

RICARDO SALVATI, WEATHERED MEXICAN FARMER, IN SPANISH WITH V/O TRANSLATION

SALVATI: The Frito Lay people built a very large factory in the next town.   (footage of giant threatening factory belching neon-orange smoke) The business of my father, of my grandfather, it was taken away, (increasingly pathetic footage of laborers working lines, moving barrels, pushing mine-carts full of Doritos, etc) and we all went to work in the factory.   The men, the old women, even the children.   If you cannot work your land, and make the habanero Doritos of your ancestors, what is there for you?  (emotional)  For the Salvatis there was nothing.

 

EXT. SHUTTERED FACTORY

TOM: But a new day has come to Chiapas.   The people of Ricardo’s village are proud and productive once again, as the Frito-Lay company has bowed to public pressure and committed to using only Fair Trade Fiery Habanero.  Fair trade products are a way for Americans sitting home watching “The Biggest Loser” to feel like they have done something for Third-World dirt farmers.   Have they?   Judge for yourself:

 

EXT: SALVATI FARM, BUSY AND HAPPY.  ADULTS AND CHILDREN COVERED WITH ORANGE POWDER

TOM: This is the Salvati Fiery Habanero farm today.  The Fiery habanero bushes are producing more than ever.  And this time, the Salvatis are getting a fair price for a superior product.

RICARDO: (Spanish with V/O transaltion)   My farm is happy again.

 

ONN STUDIO

 ANCHOR: We caught up with Milton Hirschbeck of Frito-Lay in his office.

 

INT. REALLY NICE OFFICE.   DARK WOOD, GREAT VIEW

HIRSCHBECK: As American attitudes about food evolve, we have to evolve along with them.   “Guilt-free” used to mean “no fat” or “no sugar”.   Now it means, “no exploitation”.   And we agree wholeheartedly.   Frito-Lay is a friend to the farmers of Belize.

REPORTER, OFF-CAMERA: Mexico.

HIRSCHBECK: Mexico.   Frito-Lay has come to understand that the American snacker wants more from a chip than just satisfying crunch and great flavor.   Now the American snacker wants a sense of moral righteousness.  We’re proud to display the Fair Trade label on each and every bag of Fiery Habanero Flavor Doritos, and we are proud to call friends the noble farmers of Belize.

REPORTER, OFF-CAMERA: Mexico.

HIRSCHBECK: Whatever.    

 

EXT: SALVATI FARM

TOM: So what does the new agreement mean?   Well, (appropriate footage.  I am for some reason convinced this stuff is scraped off broad leaves, though I guess it could be a pounded, dried root, or ground tree bark, or whatever is most telegenic.) there’s no more mass production; no more throwing all the Fiery habanero bushes into the grinder whole to extract the powder mechanically.  Now, every step of the process is 100% organic and 100% sustainable.  The orange powder you wipe off your fingers on the couch during a Cubs game starts here, as a sun-loving shrub.   The women weed the fields, keep the goats away, and make sure the plants are free of cheeto weevil infestation.  

As the plant matures, the delicious flavoring is produced in layers on the plant’s leaves, and hand-scraped into one of these long cotton bags.   Once the bag is full, it’s delivered to the processing barn, where the men spend hours at a time sifting  and mixing the zingy seasoning to get just the right balance of heat and salt. (jolly)  I can tell you from personal experience it takes a long time to get your hands back to their normal color!

Then the flavor agent is sun-dried, barrel-aged, and taken up to the new Frito-Lay workshop in town, where it is hand-applied to unflavored Doritos with fine, soft paintbrushes and bagged for shipping to the United States. 

 

EXT. VILLAGE FESTIVAL.  EVERYONE IS WEARING ORANGE AND DANCING

TOM: So there you have it.   The story of how switching to Fair Trade Fiery Habanero saved one man’s farm, one village’s livelihood, and one tiny corner of a monstrous global agribusiness conglomerate’s soul.  What you see behind me was a dying village a year ago, and thanks to Fair Trade, they’re not only surviving, they’re thriving. They’ve even brought back the traditional Festival de Habanero Fuego!   So if you don’t mind, (ANCHOR NAME), I’m going to go enjoy myself, and eat some of these tasty-feel-good treats.   (he pulls a few from a bag, eats them, and joins the dancing.)

ONN STUDIO

ANCHOR: (chuckling) All right Tom, have a great time, and bring me back some of those!   Fair Trade Fiery Habanero Doritos are rolling out nationwide this week, and should retail for eighteen to twenty dollars a bag.   When we return, could terrorists really enrich and weaponize your mom?   An ONN investigation, after this.

 

You can pick these up fresh daily here or here.

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*Tiger Woods’ turn in the barrel continues. Today the Florida Highway Patrol cited him for careless driving, which is the least of his issues, because women have begun coming forward, all saying the same thing:
“I did Tiger Woods.”
“I did Tiger Woods.”
“I did Tiger Woods.”
“I did Tiger Woods.”
“I did Tiger Woods.”
etc.

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tAnlcW_ILyw)

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“Glory Days”

Yesterday was World AIDS Day. Activists around the globe donned red ribbons, marched in support of more funding, held vigils, and generally did the same photogenic but ineffectual things they’ve been doing for twenty-five years. Meanwhile AIDS observed its day by getting drunk alone and complaining that it’s been forgotten in favor of hotter, younger diseases like swine flu and breast cancer.

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“I’ll Be There For You”

Facebook and MySpace have terminated the accounts of 3,533 sex offenders under New York State’s new Electronic Security and Targeting of Online Predators (e-STOP) Act. The law requires New York’s 30,000 convicted sex offenders to register their e-mail and social networking addresses. So if you’re down a few Facebook friends today, you might not want to think too hard about why.

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Deeply upsetting film footage of Marilyn Monroe discovered, next.

“Candle In The Wind” (Original)

Film footage of Marilyn Monroe, shot at a private home in New Jersey, captures the bombshell smoking a joint, then pretending to sniff her own armpit and breaking into hysterical laughter. As leaked celebrity footage goes….I expected WAY better than this. But the Academy Award so long denied her may be within reach at last: Most Disappointing Performance In A Home Video.

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(Obvious.)

Meredith Baxter has come out. Baxter told “The Today Show” that she discovered she was gay seven years ago after her divorce from her third husband. (Poss. Audio) She said her five children were supportive, though she was immediately condemned by Ohio’s junior Senator, Republican Alex Keaton: SFX: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yfi8vemkZYA — right about 3:25, “It’s just so wrong!”)

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*General Motors Chairman and acting CEO Ed Whitacre told employees that the search for a new CEO may take a very, very long time. Given that the job involves organizing overpaid employees while dealing with interference from a demanding owner and trying to please a waning customer base with a huge sense of entitlement, the Roe Report suggests Mr. Whitacre talk to Joe Torre.

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(Christmas Music)

The White House decorations are up. There’s an eighteen-and-a-half-foot Douglas fir Christmas tree, magnolia wreaths, fresh garlands, honeysuckle vine, and beaded fruit. There are also Fraser fir and evergreen trees scattered around. The outdoor light display the President put up is pretty cool, too, but Fox News ruined the unveiling of the outdoor display by reporting that (SFX: “The little lights are not twinkling!” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8qc_RYm0ylA , 5:30)

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(”Hail To The Chief”, if you’re feeling that subversive; “The Imperial March”, if not.)

In a live, televised question-and-answer session, Vladimir Putin promised to root out terrorism, said that the economic crisis had peaked, claimed he softened the global economic crisis, promised to spend lots more money, and endorsed state ownership of corporations. He then hinted at a run for *President* in 2012. He’ll provide an interesting and comparatively centrist challenge to Barack Obama, as he (muffled voice) what? Oh, President of *RUSSIA*! Never mind. (quick, muttered) I still think he could win.

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“Fanfare for the Common Man” — http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lJBx_aFfgyo

And finally, (drums) US Weekly has reported that, according to their prenuptual agreement, should Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren divorce, Elin would receive three hundred million dollars. (horn) But take a minute to consider *Tiger*’s opportunity: With his place in golf history secure, as a single man still in his early thirties, Tiger would have a realistic shot at breaking the greatest record in all of sports: Wilt Chamberlain’s.

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(”Legs”)

Saying she no longer has the desire to compete, two-time Grand Slam champion Amelie Mauresmo retired from tennis yesterday. Mauresmo, who won the Australian Open and Wimbledon in 2006, really isn’t a major story, but I thought you’d appreciate the chance to think about her legs one last time.

(”…the girl is all right….”)

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“Smoke On The Water”

A report in the New England Journal of Medicine says that forty years of American health improvements credited to quitting smoking could be wiped out entrely by obesity. Which *could* lead a person to think smoking keeps you thin. In a related story, smoking among teenage girls is expected to rise nine hundred thousand percent after publication of this study.

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“Because I Got High”

During a routine traffic stop, Texas police discovered a stash of Ecstasy pills molded to look like Barack Obama. Ecstasy, or “X”, is known for a sense of elation accompanied by diminished feelings of fear and anxiety. Dude…check the expiration date on those. They must be six months old.

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“Hot, Hot, Hot”

*In a letter, the government of Copenhagen asked those attending the global warning summit not to hire Danish sex workers. Prostitutes have responded by offering a free sex act to attendees who produce one of the written warnings. The choices? A plain old “cap and trade”, the kinkier “carbon footprint”, or, for the truly adventurous, a “Kyoto hockey stick”.

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“Help!”

* In a recent op-ed piece, Hillary Clinton said that all nations must play a part in bringing peace to Afghanistan and Pakistan. So now not only does it take a village to raise a child, it takes the whole freakin’ world to finish *this* job. Jeez, Hill, you ask for a lot of help. How many people you need to make a sandwich?

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“The Entertainer”

* In his weekly radio address, the President said that, while last month’s drop in unemployment is a positive trend, (audio) “a good trend is not good enough. Trends do not buy the groceries. Trends do not pay the rent or a college tuition.” *My* next line would’ve been “and trends do not let trends drive drunk”. I guess he’s not a radio comedy genius. Even though he gets *way* more air time.

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“Another Saturday Night”

Senators held a rare weekend session to keep debating health care reform in the hopes of getting a vote before the end of the year, and had the unbelievable freaking gall to act like they were big heroes for showing up to a cushy job on a weekend.

(If you have audio of somebody talking about how this is so important that they’re working Saturday, throw it in at the end, and add, “Lot of people have to work EVERY weekend, Senator (whoever). Shut the bleep up.”)

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*Democratic party discord left them at risk of falling short of the sixty votes needed to pass health care legislation yesterday. But…

(William Tell Overture)

From the White House come the thundering hoofbeats of Barack Obama, the daring and audacious rider from the plains who has led the United States unerringly to the left. Nowhere in the pages of history could one find a greater champion of spending. Return with us now to those chilling days of 1979, as the President returns to Capitol Hill to force those who might do the fiscally responsible thing into line. The Lone Changer rides again!

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The Report from 12/7/09 was all mine. Now I need a new goal.

( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GrEbJBFWIPk – relevant quote is around 1:30 )

The latest video making the rounds of the internet is of a lifelong Republican and World War Two veteran, Philip Spooner, addressing a committee hearing on gay marriage in Maine. In response to a question about whether or not he believed in gay and lesbian equality, he said, “What do you think I fought for at Omaha Beach?” I admire his sentiment, but I can’t shake the idea that that’s his response to most questions, like “You want some more bourbon, Phil?” (”What do you think I fought for at Omaha Beach?”), and “Why does grandpa get the biggest pork chop?” (”What do you think I fought for at Omaha Beach?”)

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“Ohio” or “Fortunate Son”

*Senate Republican Lamar Alexander, a veteran of the Nixon White House, today called on the Obama White House to not create an enemies list. Alexander cited the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, insurance giant Humana, Fox News, Wall Street, and bondholders who resisted auto bailouts as targets of this President’s enemies list. The White House denied the comparison to Richard Nixon, then resumed work on the President’s secret plan to win the bogged-down land war in Asia that they’re blaming on the previous administration.

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“The Entertainer”

*Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said today that while the Obama administration is interested in talking with Pyongyang, “the United States will never have normal, sanctions-free relations with a nuclear armed North Korea.” And I hate to go for the cheap laugh here, (Groucho) but this *is* a woman who knows something about refusing to have normal relations with someone if they keep having unsanctioned relations of their own. (rimshot) (slide whistle) (Vaudeville trumpet exit-stage-left fanfare)

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“Money for Nothing”

*Kenneth Feinberg, the White House’s pay czar, will demand that the seven largest bailout recipients lower the total compensation for their 25 highest paid employees by 50%, on average, and up to 90% in some cases. Um..call me a radical if you must, but…shouldn’t the guys who ran companies that needed millions in taxpayer money to survive get one hundred percent pay cuts?

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“Miami” (Randy Newman or Will Smith, either’s fine.)

Afghanistan’s president is now emphasizing the importance of a runoff election for the sake of ensuring peace and stability in his nascent democracy. In his first interview since the runoff was announced, Hamid Karzai said there were so many claims of widespread corruption in the election that he too began to doubt the results, admitting that the ballot was so confusing that he now believes that he himself may have accidentally voted for Pat Buchanan.

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Beck, “Loser”, or “Go Cubs Go”

A terrifying new study shows that the testosterone levels of men who voted for John McCain last year fell significantly when he lost, while testosterone levels in men who voted for Obama effectively rose when he won. Said the study, “When men win a dominance competition, their testosterone levels rise or remain stable…When they lose, their testosterone levels fall.” At least Presidential elections only happen every four years. Imagine what forty years of being a Cub fan has done to my ‘boys’. (”Holy Cow!”)

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“I Love The Nightlife”

A new lawsuit alleges that Bernie Madoff’s thievery financed a cocaine-fueled work environment and a “culture of sexual deviance”. Among the allegations: That Bernard Madoff Investment Services was known by insiders as the “North Pole” due to the employees’ heavy cocaine use, that staffers were regularly sent to buy the drugs, that company parties featured strippers, and that employees had affairs throughout the offices, including in Madoff’s own personal office. You know…maybe we’ve been too quick to judge the guy. Do you think the remaining staff is taking resumes?

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“Don’t Fence Me In”

In an interview yesterday with NBC, President Obama made his first public comments on White House’s bickering with Fox News: “We are going to take media as it comes…and if media is operating, basically, as a talk radio format, then that’s one thing….I think the American people are a lot more interested in what we’re doin’ to create jobs or how we’re handling the situation in Afghanistan.” Well, *sir*, the talk radio format would like to report that 49 of 50 states have lost jobs since you took office, and Afghanistan is a f—— *mess*. Take *that* as it comes. Sir.

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Music: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JuVHCJVYf4 (”Meow Mix”, fifteen seconds but an easy loop.)

Despite the global recession, pet food sales rose 8.8 percent in the first nine months of 2009, compared with growth in human food and beverages of 3.5 percent. Purina Dog Chow alone saw a nineteen percent jump in sales in the past year. Industry analysts say this is because people are willing to deny themselves luxuries before they deprive their pets. Considering the hard times of the past year, I think that’s about as optimistic a reason for a rise in sales of pet food as you’re going to find. Try not to think about the other reason sales of Southern Gourmet Dinner might go up right alongside the unemployment rate.

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http://www.express.co.uk/posts/view/135974/Mobile-use-is-linked-to-brain-tumours#

Floyd, “Brain Damage”

*A new study appears to link heavy cellphone use with brain tumors. Preliminary results of the study, which covered 12,800 people in thirteen countries over ten years, reportedly links cellphone use to three types of brain tumor *and* a tumor of the salivary gland. What does it say about human nature that we won’t hang up the phone while driving seventy miles an hour, but we will abandon them in droves on a nebulous report of a possible link to a chance of cancer?

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“I’m Alright” or “1812 Overture”

*Teeing off for the 24th time as President, the President was joined for eighteen by Melody Barnes, his chief domestic policy adviser. Obama had been catching some flak for playing sports just with men, so when he invited Ms. Barnes to play, it became the first time this President has invited a woman into a foursome. The record for *that*, of course, is still held by John F. Kennedy.

(”It’s in the hole!” — http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bg8lSyGavc4 )

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“My Heart Will Go On” — http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=saalGKY7ifU

*The Obama administration is working on a new approach to dealing with so-called “too big to fail” companies, to make it easier for the government to oust managers, wipe out shareholders and restructure the outstanding loans of troubled firms. The President’s team apparently believes the only thing too big to fail is the administration itself. Where have we heard that before?

(”ICEBERG! ICEGERG! ICEBERG DEAD AHEAD” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yIoom4k8If0 )

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Steam “Na na na na…na na na na etc.”

The plunge in U.S. newspaper circulation is accelerating, according to the latest figures released on Monday, as more people cancel their subscriptions and publishers cut distribution and sales. Average circulation at 379 daily newspapers fell 10.6 percent in the last six months. The pace of decline more than doubled compared with last year. It won’t be long now. Look, I love newspapers too. But it’s time. They’re suffering. It’s the right thing, to end their pain. We’ll get a new source of information. It doesn’t mean we love the old one any less. But the poor things can hardly move anymore. We can do this one last thing for them. Fetch my rifle, boy.

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Theme from “The Terminator” – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uXQTzJgU6qc

In its latest product rollout, Google is giving people a chance to have its free voice mail service answer calls to their cell phones. The offer is part of Google Voice, Google’s step toward becoming the hub for phone calls to people’s mobile, home and office numbers. So Google can now handle your email, website, blog, pictures, calendar, smartphone, document collaboration, book-reading, shopping, and internet search needs. I’m concerned about where this is heading…

(From T2; couldn’t find the audio online:
Terminator: SkyNet begins to learn at a geometric rate. It becomes self-aware (snip). In a panic, they try to pull the plug.
Sarah: And Skynet fights back. )

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(Any salsa music)

Juanita Castro has never been quiet about her opposition to her brothers, Fidel and Raúl, but she is now saying that she was not just a dissident, but before her defection in 1964, she was also a CIA informer. Reached for comment in Havana, El Presidente said (SFX “Auuugh! Even my baby sister!”)

(http://bcmoney-mobiletv.com/view/932/Charlie%20Brown%20Christmas/ — around 8:30)

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“New York New York” And finally.

The World Series kicks off kicks off tonight at Yankee Stadium. Your official Roe Report prediction: Yankees sweep the Phillies. How did I arrive at my prediction? Well, after exhaustive study of the sabermetric trends and extensive historical analysis, I realized that the Roe Report isn’t on in Philadelphia. Go Yankees. Thanks for listening.

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50 Cent, “In Da Club”

As the holiday shopping season gets under way, Toys “R” Us, the largest U.S. toy-store chain, has announced plans to open luxury boutiques in its stores. The boutiques will be located near the front of all 585 Toys “R” Us stores, and feature products carried by high-end toy retailer FAO Schwartz. Or, to put this children’s marketing move in grownup terms, Toys R Us is adding Champagne Rooms.

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Congressional investigators say that the Homeland Security Department has done little planning to address the possible effect of a flu pandemic on the internet. Experts have for years pointed to the potential problem of Internet access during a severe pandemic. Waitaminute. This virus can go from humans to computers? MY MOTHER WAS RIGHT?!?!?!

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The city of Chicago is debuting a “tax whistle-blower” plan that will pit Chicago’s business community against…Chicago’s business community. City hall will pay cash bounties to informants who turn in business tax cheats around the city. A Revenue Department spokesman described the move as “Just another way of bringing people into compliance”. What. A. Terrible. Idea. This. Is. Like Chicago doesn’t have enough neighborhood violence already. I’d make a joke, but in six months, when the streets of Chicago are blocked by flaming garbage, and neighborhood businesses are exchanging gunfire openly, it’s not going to be funny anymore.

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“Luck Be A Lady”

The World Series is underway, and politicians have laid down the traditional friendly wagers. The U.S. Senators from New York and Pennsylvania have bet cheesecakes vs cheesesteaks, while the mayors of New York City and Philadelphia have wagered their own personal community service for the winning city. The state governors have made bets, too, but without Elliot Spitzer in the game, the terms just aren’t that interesting anymore.

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“In The Navy”

President Obama signed a bill yesterday making it a federal hate crime to assault someone because of his or her sexual orientation and/or gender identity, saying, “We’ve passed inclusive hate crimes legislation to help protect our citizens from violence based on what they look like, who they love, how they pray, or who they are.” The SAME EXACT bill, by the way, also provided six hundred and eighty billion dollars in spending on weapons designed to kill people who *aren’t* our citizens for whatever reason Congress deems acceptable. Twenty-five years in the news business and I still cannot understand how politicians ever talk with straight faces.

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President Barack Obama meets today with the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, a business group that has accused the White House of trying to weaken its influence. The meeting is expected to cover Obama’s plan to help small business, his drive for healthcare reform, and, depending on how the Chamber responds to the President, possibly his enthusiasm for baseball. (SFX: “I get nowhere unless the team wins.” *CRUNCH*)

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zc9zF8G2Pvc )

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Speaking of baseball, the lawyer for the Philadelphia woman arrested for allegedy offering sex for World Series tickets says his client was just “overcome with Phillies fever.” The lawyer says the self-described “buxom blonde” was trying to get tickets. If Phillies Fever is the worst thing she catches out of her efforts to score tickets by pitching somebody the chance to round third base and slide headfirst into the dish, who are we to stop her? This isn’t Russia! (SFX: LET THEM PLAY! LET THEM PLAY!)

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Rocco Landesman, the President’s handpicked chairman of the National Endowment for the Arts, gave a speech last week in which he compared the president to Abraham Lincoln and then said “Barack Obama is the most powerful writer since Julius Caesar”. I’m no political scientist, but I’m not sure, were *I* the leader of the free world, that there are two people I would *less* want to be compared to than Abraham Lincoln and Julius Caesar.

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“Down with the Sickness”

Here’s a representative paragraph of the Health Care Reform bill:

Section 1833(t)(3)(C)(iv) of the Social Security Act (42 U.S.C. 1395(t)(3)(C)(iv)) is amended – (A) in the first sentence – (i) by inserting “(which is subject to the productivity adjustment described in subclause (II) of such section)” after “1886(b)(3)(B)(iii); and (ii) by inserting “(but not below 0)” after “reduced”; and (B) in the second sentence, by inserting “and which is subject, beginning with 2010 to the productivity adjustment described in section 1886(b)(3)(B)(iii)(II)”.

OH! Well! Why didn’t you just say that in the first place? FINE THEN! Do whatever! (pause) (bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep)

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

Went all in with this one.   About 85% is mine.  Very representative.    Quite pleased. (Right click/”Save Target As…”)

Here’s some more.  Some used, some just shoulda been.

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Space shuttle Discovery arrived at the International Space Station on Sunday, which is also the orbiter’s 25th birthday.  Discovery is expected to spend the day quietly repairing its heat shield, a marked change from four years ago, when Atlantis and Endeavor had to carry Discovery home after the traditional twenty-one Tang-and-vodka “moon shots”.

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The Sunday Times reported that the British government decided to allow the Lockerbie bomber to go home after a multibillion-dollar deal giving oil exploration rights to British Petroleum fell through. The trade sent Abdel Basset al-Megrahi to Libya in exchange for Britain’s integrity and a treaty to be named later.

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Scientists using an atomic microscope have captured the first close-up photograph of a  molecule.  The molecule, of a substance called pentacene, issued a statement decrying the quote “Atomerazzi” and asked scientists to please respect its privacy.

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Disney has acquired comic book giant Marvel, creator of Spider-Man, X-Men, and the Incredible Hulk, among others, for four billion dollars.  The deal was on the rocks until frustrated Disney CEO Bob Iger warned Marvel execs “Don’t make me angry.  You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry”.

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LA County firefighters are trying to keep wildfires from overrunning Mount Wilson, the location of dozens of TV and radio transmi-BZZZZT.  (beat)  Just playing.  So far, so good.  Thanks, guys.

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Speaking on health care reform, Bill Clinton told Democrats “Doing nothing is not only the worst thing we can do for the economy, it’s the worst thing we can do for the country. It’s also the worst thing we can do for the Democrats.”   And if anyone’s an expert on doing things that hurt Democrats, it’s Bill Clinton. 

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Madonna is touring the Holy Land with Jee-zus, as the pair…what?  Oh.  ‘Scuse me.  Hay-zoose.  Her husband.  Wrong guy.  And come to think of it, wrong Madonna.

*
 
Making tour stops in Israel for the first time since 1993, Madonna taking some extra time to visit religious sites before meeting with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, who has apparently LOST HIS FREAKIN’ MIND.  Bibi…bubelah…”Like a prayer” is not really about praying. 

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The Shanghai Composite has slumped twenty-three percent since August fourth, meaning China is officially in a bear market.  Analysts are not hopeful for a quick recovery from the bear market, fearing that Chinese investors will remove the bear’s gallbladder to sell on the black market as a folk remedy for impotence.

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India’s space agency has ended their unmanned mission to map the surface of the moon.  Contact was lost with the probe two days ago, and support technicians have given up trying to reconnect with the probe, despite the probe’s repeated assurances that their calls were important to it.  Been there, guys.

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And finally, just when you thought Michael Jackson couldn’t get creepier, rumors have surfaced that Blanket’s biological dad is actually Macaulay Culkin. Culkin, godfather to Jacko’s other two children, has refused comment.  And now I need a shower.  (shudder)  And now you’ve heard it all…..

(I assume you cannot get away with implying that Culkin donated sperm to MJ in return for a similar donation some years ago, but you know that line better than I….)

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Saying millions of men undergo unnecessary treatment for otherwise harmless tumors, US researchers described prostate cancer screening as a “double-edged sword”.  And I just winced right along with my fellow over-forty male listeners.  Hey researchers: Could you compare prostate tests to something that isn’t sharp and pointy, please?

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The Department of Health and Human Services has a new ally in the fight against the spread of the H1N1 virus: Elmo.  (Audio: “Wash your hands…wash wash wash wash wash wash”)  And if you think that’s creepy, wait until you hear Ernie’s Prostate Cancer Awareness Month ad.  (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1R8zrVuWP4 — basically the first line.)

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Astronauts have shifted a giant chest of drawers from the space shuttle to the space station.  The chest contains eight tons of equipment and science experiments, which will be unloaded and replaced with equipment being returned to Earth.  Man, I thought it was a pain helping *my* friends move.

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The Duggar family, of TLC’s “Eighteen Kids and Counting”, is expecting their nineteenth child.  Wall Street analysts credit the family with singlehandedly improving US manufacturing statistics for August.

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(Music pairing: ACDC, “Highway to Hell”)

Georgetta Potoski, a cousin of Mary Jo Kopechne, the woman who died in Ted Kennedy’s car thirty years ago at Chappaquiddick, says she hopes the senator and her cousin are “now at peace.”  Georgetta, I hope so too, but there’s some chance they didn’t go to the same place. 

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(Music pairing: Steam, “Na na na na etc.”)

When asked by the Reno Gazette-Journal how the death of Ted Kennedy would affect the Democratic Party, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, who has clearly lost his mind, said quote “I think it’s going to help us”.  Maybe some Democrats, Harry, but I’m guessing that quote won’t be helping you any.

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(Music pairing: Olympic theme.  And finally.)

The IOC says there is no clear frontrunner so far to host the 2016 Olympic games.  Tokyo, Rio de Janeiro, Chicago and Madrid are the finalists.  The report says the four cities each have strengths and weaknesses, and before the final decision is made on October 2nd, there will need to be at least one more round of bribery.  <SFX: Ka-ching!>

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After successfully delivering the International Space Station’s new treadmill, the next mission facing shuttle astronauts was a spacewalk.  Fortunately, the walk ended without incident, unlike the last time a treadmill was deployed in space.  (SFX: JANE, STOP THIS CRAZY THING!  http://www.scarlet.nl/~ivo/sounds_STOP.au )

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In honor of Vermont’s legalization of gay marriage, Ben & Jerry have renamed “Chubby Hubby” “Hubby Hubby”.  Runner-up flavor ideas included  (I have no idea what you can get away with here.  Muffin Diver?  Double Nuts?  Controversy Swirl?  United Fruits?  Just stay away from the word “fudge”.)

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The SEC’s internal watchdog says the agency overlooked ample evidence of Bernie Madoff’s Ponzi scheme.   The missed signs included multiple formal complaints, an actual tip from a whistleblower, and Madoff’s 2007 SEC disclosure reports, which consisted of a cover page and six hundred xeroxed pictures of his butt.

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Curt Schilling, who in 2004 led the Red Sox to their first championship in eighty-six years, says he’s interested in running for the Senate seat vacated by Ted Kennedy. Schilling generally leans Republican, though, and if he thought the Red Sox had a history of failure, wait until he googles “conservative senators from Massachusetts”.

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Responding to complaints from unpaid car dealers, the government says it approved five hundred million dollars in Cash for Clunkers reimbursements.  The government also said that they had mailed the checks last month, so they don’t know what happened. Subsequent calls to the government were answered by someone who either said the government wasn’t home, or pretended not to speak English.

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You’ve heard of protestors giving the finger?  Yesterday, a protestor *took* the finger. During a literal fight over health care reform, William Rice lost half a pinky to biting criticism from another protestor. Showdowns like this illustrate the amazing bipartisan passion surrounding this debate, and all free-speaking Americans should join together in giving this man an admiring high four.

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Saying Michael Vick was “genuinely remorseful”, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced that the disgraced QB will be eligible to play in regular-season NFL games as of Week Three.  Vick has been suspended since August of 2007, which may not seem long, but remember that’s fourteen in dog years. 

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Republicans are calling President Obama’s back-to-school address to the nation’s students “an effort to foist a political agenda on children.” But I say, between politically correct history textbooks and science books featuring “intelligent design”, the President can’t say anything more harmful than the crap the kids’re going to hear the rest of the year.

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In a preview of his memoirs, Ted Kennedy expresses remorse for his actions at Chappaquiddick, says he ran for President in nineteen eighty in part because Jimmy Carter wasn’t pushing universal health care, and warmly endorses the Warren Commission’s findings on his brother John’s assassination in a strange, handwritten addition on the last pages of the book.  (SFX: X-files sting)