Blood And Thunder

The best of May:

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“Insane in the Brain”

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad made a speech calling for states that threaten use of atomic weapons to be punished – clearly referring to US nuclear strategy.  Ahmadinejad then shaved his head, sang “Don’t Be Cruel”, and crushed a watermelon with a sledgehammer.  Okay, he didn’t.  But you wouldn’t have been suprised if he had.  I remind you this guy is a nuclear power. 

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“Revolution 9″

New videos from the Pakistani Taliban seem to show their leader, Hakimullah Mehsud, alive, despite reports that he was killed.  CIA experts, however, point to numerous clues in the video as evidence that Mehsud is in fact dead.  Among them: Mehsud is not wearing shoes, is out of step with the other mullahs, and is holding a gun in his right hand despite his being left-handed.

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“Tainted Love”, “Rock The Casbah”, whatever. 

A New Jersey high school student and aspiring fashion designer has been told he cannot wear a dress to prom.   Derrek Lutz, an avowed cross-dresser, has been told that wearing a dress to prom would violate the school’s dress code.   Count yourself lucky, Derrek.  I wish someone had stopped me from wearing the powder-blue tuxedo *I* wore to *my* prom.

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“Jersey Girl” or “Woke Up This Morning”

A New Jersey judge has agreed to hear a lawsuit claiming the MTV show “Jersey Shore” engaged in a “criminal enterprise” by profiting from showing fights intentionally provoked by the cast.  I’ve seen that show.  Those kids aren’t smart enough to do anything on purpose.  You might as well sue the stars of “Animal Planet”.

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“Get A Job”

In Greece, protests against spending cuts are growing violent. Three are dead and more are missing after an Athens bank was bombed.  Cars have been set on fire everywhere, as have two public buildings and, ironically, a fire truck.  Protesters are attacking police with bottles, sticks, and rocks.  I wonder if they’d be in this mess if they’d worked this hard at jobs.

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“Fly Like An Eagle” or “Girls”

In an op-ed piece, Professor Stephen Hawking revealed that he now believes in time travel, and laid out a few theories ways under which a time machine might be possible.  Hawking then said that one of the ways in which *he’d* use a time machine would be to quote “visit Marilyn Monroe in her prime”.  Just when you think you can’t admire a guy more. 

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“Pass the Dutchie”

The D.C. city council has given final approval to medical marijuana.  Under the bill, doctors are free to recommend the drug, but not to prescribe a dosage or delivery method.   The bill is currently known as the “Legalization of Marijuana for Medical Treatment Initiative Amendment Act of 2010” but if ever there was a law to name after Marion Barry, this is it. 

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Spinal Tap, “Gimme Some Money”

Asked about lawsuits stemming from the Gulf spill, Tony Hayward, chief executive of British Petroleum, said that BP will quote “honor all legitimate claims for business interruption” but added “This is America — come on. We’re going to have lots of illegitimate claims. We all know that.”  MISTER Heyward, as a proud American…I got nothing. Can’t argue with you.

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“Spinning Wheel”

(”What goes up, must come down”)

The Dow dumped nearly a thousand points before rebounding after what multiple sources called a “trader error”, in which – get this – someone ACCIDENTALLY typed “b” for billion, instead of “m” for million.  You heard that right: You have to click “Yes I’m sure” six times to shut off your laptop, but a *TYPO* can gut the Dow.  I would like my 401K in gold bars now, please.     

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“Teddy Bears’ Picnic”

Former Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson said investors who bet against Bear Stearns before the firm was sold to JPMorgan Chase amounted to quote “the wolf pack trying to pull down the weak deer.”  And in a bull market, having wolves treating Bear like deer leads to to some serious S— in the woods. 

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“Jungle Boogie”

The current issue of “Science” contains the first proof that the ancestors of some human populations interbred with Neanderthals.  While I have the utmost respect for this enormous scientific breakthrough, I got to admit, I’m a little creeped out.  I mean, bad enough to imagine my *grandparents* having sex, much less my great great great great great great great great (fade) And now you’ve heard it all….

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“She Works Hard For The Money”

South Africa has estimated that forty thousand prostitutes will commute in for the World Cup, and the government has been asked to supply one billion condoms.   That’s twenty-five thousand condoms per imported sex worker.   And you thought the *players* had to be in good shape.

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Saying, “I’ve been playing with a bad neck for about a month,” Tiger Woods withdrew in the middle of play yesterday.   Tiger, Tiger, Tiger.   That method doesn’t work.   You can’t pull out once you’ve started.  You of all people should know that.   In fact, you…oh, wait, he pulled out of The Players Championship.  Nevermind.  I thought it was about something else.

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In his first two weeks on Twitter, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has collected more than two hundred thousand followers to his “chavezcandanga” account.  Which means the has four times as many followers as his fellow Twittering Venezuelan Ozzie Guillen, despite being only twice as incoherent.

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SNL Theme

President Obama nominated his Solicitor General, Elena Kagan, to fill the Supreme Court seat vacated by John Paul Stevens.  Regardless of what anyone thinks of Kagan’s qualifications, I hope her hearings are interesting.  It’d be nice to have Mike Myers back on “Saturday Night Live”. 

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“The Caisson Song”

Kagan’s primary claim to fame is having kept military recruiters out of Harvard. Strangely, the military does not seem to regard this as an enormous favor.  C’mon, Generals, d’you *really* want (lockjaw/Kennedy voice) the cream of the Hahvahd crop in the *Ah-my*?  These are the geniuses who wrecked the health care industry *and* the economy!  Keep them away from guns! 

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“Spinning Wheel”

The US budget deficit for April 2010 is nearly four times what it was in April 2009.  Mr. President, all due respect, you have some things backwards. Let’s review: Things that should go down: The deficit, taxes, and unemployment.  Things that should go *up*: My 401K, the number of Americans who think the country is heading in the right direction, and hemlines.   Got it?

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“There’s A Hole In The Bucket”

Facing layoffs, unpaid furloughs, and shortened work weeks for state employees, Texas is considering legalizing casino gambling.   Lawmakers think that the revenue generated by doing so would cover a possible eighteen billion dollar shortfall in the state budget. Um, guys: If you’re counting on gambling to fix a broken economy, what do you expect people to bet *with*?  

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“Lost In Space” theme

Technicians have lost control of a satellite, and its erratic orbit now poses a threat to…(growing horror)…US…television…programming.  (Alert klaxon, cold, all-business)  Okay, Mr. President, drop what you’re doing and head for the Situation Room.  All your programs are going to have to wait, so long as MY programs are in danger.  I will not live in an America without TV!

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“My Humps”

June’s issue of Playboy will feature a 3-D centerfold. Not one of those magic-eye things that gives most of us migraines, but an actual picture.  The magazine will also include special glasses that make the model’s, uh, attributes pop up off the page.  Interesting idea, Playboy: I guess if you haven’t been relevant since the 70s, it makes sense to pretend it’s the 50s.

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“Jupiter”  (The Planets)

Here’s something scary: Jupiter has lost a stripe, and scientists don’t know why.  Our solar system’s largest planet went behind the sun three months ago, and when it returned to visual range, it had one large stripe, not the usual two. Attention NASA: Forget the effect of cosmic rays on mice, or whtever you’re doing now. I’m gonna need an explanation for *this*.  Immediately.  I’ll be in my bomb shelter with a bottle of Scotch.   

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“Mickey Mouse Club”

Florida declared an emergency order in anticipation of the Gulf of Mexico oil spill.  The Governor says the order gives local governments the funding and flexibility to move quickly if and when the spill hits the coast of Florida, and described the spill as potentially the largest disaster ever to hit Florida.  Uhoh.  *Somebody* won’t like dropping to number twoo-oo…

(”M…O…U…S…E….”)

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“Take This Job And Shove It”

In respose to an austerity plan that would cut salaries by five percent this year and freeze the cuts next year, Spain’s unions threatened to call a general strike.  Well, that oughta help the economy.  Hola unions!  Como se dice “air traffic controllers y Presidente Reagan” en Espanol?

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“Makin’ Whoopee” or “YMCA”

Russian astronaut Alexei Sitev married Ekaterina Golubeva just a month ago, and now they will spend the first eighteen months of married life apart.  Alexei will be locked in a capsule with five other men, simulating a mission to Mars.  He says that ‘giving up sex’ will be ‘very tough’.  <chuckling> Wait five or six years, there, comrade.  Gets easier.

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“Flight of the Bumblebee”

Thousands of bees swarmed outside the White House yesterday.  No one seems to understand why the bees chose to gather outside the White House, and the bees’ story will forever go unreported.   Isn’t that just like the mainstream media?   IGNORING ANYONE WHO SWARMS OUTSIDE THIS oh wait sorry this is Glenn Beck’s script. 

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“Can’t Get Enough Of Your Love Babe”

The Supreme Court says that federal prisons can hold inmates considered “sexually dangerous” even if they’ve completed their sentences.  Whew.  Good thing this law wasn’t in place in the eighties.  Talk about sexually dangerous; you shoulda seen me in my white Don Johnson suit.  Weapon of mass destruction, ladies. 

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“Ballad of the Green Berets”

An Arizona utility commissioner says that if LA goes through with its threatened boycott of Arizona, he would ask Arizona utility companies to cut off the power they send to Los Angeles.  You know, during the health care debate we heard a lot of people suggest that the US should be more European.  I’m not sure border skirmishes what what they had in mind.

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“Baby Blue”

MA new study shows that up to one in ten new fathers experiences post-natal depression.  Researchers suggest the causes include lack of sleep, new responsibilities, and supporting a wife with post-natal depression.  To which let me add “college costs”, “smelling like diapers”, and “the realization your next peaceful tee time is eleven or twelve years off.”

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“Hat Dance”

While visiting the White House, Mexican President Felipe Calderon criticized Arizona’s immigration laws, saying the law is “forcing our people to face discrimination.”  Hey! 
*Our* politicians don’t criticize *your* policies.  Oh wait sorry.  Guess they actually kinda do.  Nevermind. 

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Scientists are waiting anxiously to see where the massive oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico might be heading.  (sarcasm)  It’s going to play in Chicago, New York, or Cleveland.   IT’S NOT LEBRON JAMES!  IT’S AN ECOLOGICAL DISASTER.  DON’T *WATCH* IT, YOU SCIENTISTS!   Invent something and FIX IT. 

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“Le Freak”

(”Ahhhh…freak out!”)

An unexpected jump in jobless claims added to concerns about the European debt crisis yesterday, sending world markets plunging.  Oil even slid below $70 a barrel, even though in Florida you can pick the stuff up for free on the beach. 

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“Bad Company”

Speaking of bad economic news, the Senate voted to end debate and get voting on the bill revamping the nation’s financial regulations.  While a new consumer protection watchdog and oversight of the derivatives market *are* sound ideas in a vaccuum ideas, call me skeptical, but I have trouble believing that adding the suggestions of a hundred Senators improves…well, anything.

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“Take It Easy”

(”Standin on a corner in Winslow Arizona….”)

President Obama condemned Arizona’s crackdown on illegal immigration and said that the problem needed to be addressed at the federal level.  Mr. President…with all due respect, like Arizona’s law or not, it happened because nobody at the federal level did ANYTHING.  Ironically, if you pass immigration reform at the federal level, the credit belongs to the people in Arizona you’re criticizing.

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Intelligence analysis of the torpedo attack that sank a South Korean warship concluded that the ailing Kim Jong-il probably authorized the attack personally, in a show of force designed to help secure the succession of his youngest son.  You’d think that regime would want to stay away from the whole sinking-ship metaphor.  

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Experts are considering some drastic and risky ideas to clean up the oil that has reached the Gulf coast, including flooding hard-hit areas to try and float out the oil, or setting the oil on fire.  Setting the oil on FIRE?   Could we get some new experts? 

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“The Birds and the Bees”

A new study found that people who were sexually active before a heart attack tended to curtail that activity after recovery, *unless* they had the “sex talk” with their doctor.  The sex talk helps after a *heart attack*?  I just remember it being totally awkward.  But then, my mom’s not a doctor.

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(waka waka waka waka)

And finally, enthusiasts held nerd parties around the world this weekend as Pac Man turned thirty years old.  I remember turning thirty.  Time to switch to low-fat, low-cholesterol power pellets, buddy.  And if you think thirty’s rough, just wait for thirty-five.   You know what a prostate is?   <SFX: Pac Man dies>)   

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“Over There”

(An article in) The Washington Post says that it could only take one seemingly minor event in Europe – one inaccurate budget projection, one missed deficit-reduction target, one small drop in economic output – to throw the whole world back into global recession.  Think they’re being alarmist?  Three words, you people: Archduke. Franz. Ferdinand.

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“I’m Sorry”

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg admitted the social network he created has upset people, saying, “I know we’ve made a bunch of mistakes, but my hope at the end of this is that the service ends up in a better place.”  His solution: New and better privacy controls.  (pause, stop music)  (Haul Parvey) Likes This.

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“Video Killed the Radio Star”

A new internal audit criticizes the federal officials in charge of overseeing drilling in the Gulf of Mexico for, among other transgressions, watching porn at work.  (SFX: Windows shutdown/AOL “Goodbye”)  And watching porn at work is, as we all know, bad.  HIGHLY irresponsible.  (SFX: Laptop closes.)  Don’t do it, you people.

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“Flight of the Bumblebee”

And finally, rescue crews near Minneapolis used fire hoses to try and disperse an angry swarm after a semitrailer carrying seven thousand beehives crashed on Interstate 35, unleashing roughly seventeen million pissed-off honeybees.  Say what you will about Americans, but when we spill stuff, we don’t do it half-ass.   

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The President is increasingly facing pressure from his own party on his response to the spill.   James Carville unloaded on the administration on “Good Morning America”.  (AUDIO)  That’s right, you people: You just found yourself nodding in agreement with *James* *Carville*.  And you thought the pelicans felt dirty. 

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“Sanford & Son Theme”, maybe? 

And finally, as NASA winds up the space shuttle program, Atlantis has touched down for the last time, and taxied into retirement.  So if you know anybody in the market, they’re looking to unload a used 1985 Orbiter, runs great, 120 million miles, only driven 32 times, power everything.  Make an offer. 

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“Circle of Life”

Louisiana’s marshes and bayous are proving a frustrating obstacle to oil cleanup.  In many areas, the only option is to do nothing and let nature break down the spill.  Over time, natural processes *will* remove the oil, but not before it kills massive amounts of plants and wildlife.  And those dead plants and animals will someday become…more oil.  

(”It’s the CIIIIIIIIIIIRcle of liiiiiiiife!”)

(2) Also write a 2-3 page script (NOT a newspaper article) for a Onion News Network newsroom segment based on the following idea:
Many businessmen cutting back on mistresses during economic downturn – We treat it as a given that all businessmen have affairs and their wives just look the other way. So we just focus on how difficult it is to keep a demanding mistress in finery so a lot of guys are just dumping them. This is bad for the economy. That means fewer purchases of jewelry, fancy meals, etc.
For the script, the formatting isn’t particularly important as long as the end result of the dialogue and stage directions is something that conveys the same feel as our other segments. ***Submit script in Microsoft Word or Final Draft. Please do not send a PDF.**

 

MISTRESS CUTS AT HIGHEST LEVEL SINCE ‘ 87

 

ONN STUDIO.  FEMALE ANCHOR

ANCHOR: Moving now to economic news, the Bureau of Labor Statistics has released revised third quarter numbers, and the bad news continues for the homewrecking sector.   Rich businessmen are laying off their mistresses at the highest rate since 1987.  

 

EXT. STREET, WELL-DRESSED, SIXTYISH BUSINESSMAN

TOM: You know, I hated to do it, but in these harsh economic times, I had to let someone go, and Lisa’s severance package isn’t comparable to what Evelyn could get in divorce court.  They’ve both been with me for years, and I really hope that Lisa can rejoin the team when things at the firm turn around.  I miss the business trips and client emergencies.   (audible air quotes around those)

 

EXT. FOOTAGE OF LISA, BELOW, LEAVING EXPENSIVE HOTEL WITH LUGGAGE

ANCHOR: (V/O) But the hardship is a two-way street.   We caught up with Lisa at her new old job.

 

INT. YOGA STUDIO

LISA: Well, I’m obviously disappointed, but  if Tom can’t afford to keep me on the side in the fashion I’ve earned, I’d rather be furloughed to look for freelance work or a new position, rather than take a huge cut just so I can keep blowing the same old accountant on his lunch hour.  If his business is down so far that he can’t afford a decent apartment, first-class travel, and regular gifts…look, I’m an adult.   I’m not a bunny-boiler.  The price of a piece of this (indicates self) is steep.  I can just go back to teaching yoga until the economy improves.   (shrug)  What’re you gonna do?  People are hurting. 

 

ONN STUDIO

 ANCHOR: The effect isn’t limited to the sluts and homewreckers themselves.   The Onion News Network talked with some of the businesses who derive significant revenue from  cheating scumbags:

 

INT. HIGH-END RESTAURANT

OWNER: Oh, definitely, we’ve seen a dropoff in business since the layoffs started.  Weeknight business is off more than 40%.  (V/O FOOTAGE OF HAPPIER TIMES, THEN OF DRUNKS IN SUITS) We’re still pretty full, but our expense account regulars, instead of coming in with (air quotes) clients and ordering Cristal and caviar, are coming in together in groups of three of four, drinking Scotch, and crying.

 

INT. LUXURY HOTEL, FRONT DESK

CLERK: Let me give you a shocking statistic: Between 2003 and 2008, 80% of our room service orders were for Champagne and strawberries.  Now we use the strawberries for fruit salad, and when somebody orders up a bottle of Champagne, the staff bets on when and how that person will commit suicide.  The only real bright spot is that pay per view porn viewership is up maybe two thousand percent over last year.

 

INT: EXAMINING ROOM W/STIRRUP TABLE

DOCTOR: I’ve been doing discreet abortions and billing them as “business gifts” for twenty years.   I knew I would take a hit when the market tanked, but this is worse than I ever could have imagined.  People used to rely on me to quietly keep their girlfriends from having unwanted children.  Now they’ve just stopped fucking them entirely.   We’re…we’re really hurting here.

 

ONN STUDIO

ANCHOR: The slashing of side sluts has been so dramatic, it’s even received sympathy from an unexpected quarter:

 

INT: KITCHEN.  TV ON OPRAH.

EVELYN: I always thought Tom’s cheating upset me.  But now that he’s cut back, I realize how much it improved my life.  Now he’s home every night, drinking too much and screaming back at Jim Cramer.    It’s been months since I got a piece of apology jewelry, or enough free time to have a housecall from my personal trainer.   (Should leave no doubt what that means)   AND that old slug expects ME to fuck him.  Please.   I mean, nobody knows better than me how much less money we have this year.  Don’t rub it in by asking me for a blowjob.  If he wanted good sex, he should have cut one of the junior partners, and kept that little blond thing on the payroll.  Don’t expect me to pick up her slack.

 

ONN STUDIO

ANCHOR: For a look at what we can expect going forward, we turn to Professor Lawrence Ellman from  the London School of Economics, author of “The Free Market’s Invisible Handjob”.  Thank you for joining us, Professor.

PROFESSOR: (classic rumpled academic) It’s my pleasure.

ANCHOR: Tell us, what do the underlying numbers tell you about the future of fucking around?

PROFESSOR: Well, I’m glad to say the forecasts are generally good.   First of all, mistress cuts are a lagging indicator of the economy as a whole.  As highly valued and skilled employees, cocksuckers – as they are known to economists – are among the last spending cuts made in times of recession.   Which just makes sense, as the men who make the decisions about what services to cut are often the ones who personally employ the cocksuckers in the first place.  So naturally, the assistants and subordinates providing less valued services will go off the payroll first.  That means that the times of highest girlfriend-furlough invariably presage a turnaround in the overall economy. 

Second, we are seeing some green shoots even now, and those of us who specialize in the economics of fucking are very confident that we have hit the bottom. (GRAPH TIME) The microeconomics of secret poon have proven reliable before.  Here you see that spending on abortions and apology diamonds dropped off some time ago, purchases of Jergens and pornography has clearly plateaued, and most encouragingly, we’ve seen upticks in new toupee orders and spending in Exotic Asian massage parlors.  And – and remember this was the discovery that won John Kenneth Galbraith and Mei Suki Ling a joint Nobel in economics – the American Affair Average inevitably follows the Asian Full-Release Index by about six months.  Asia just seems to get out ahead of these trends a little faster.

ANCHOR: So you predict a full return of US business to strange ass by…?

PROFESSOR: I expect the sector’s first growth in the next quarter,  and then a steady return to full cocksucking capacity within a couple of years.   Certainly by the summer of 2012.

ANCHOR: Thank you, Professor. And finally we turn to the bitches themselves.   Melinda Barton is the president of NASS-T, the National Association for the Acceptance Of Side Tail, and we welcome her to the ONN.  

 

SPLITSCREEN TO REMOTE STUDIO.  VEGAS IN BG.  SHE IS FIFTYISH AND HOT.

MELINDA: Thank you for having me.

ANCHOR: You represent over twenty million mistresses, whores, homewreckers, and, as the professor pointed out, cocksuckers. 

MELINDA: Along with a growing number of shemales and twinks, yes.

ANCHOR: We’re reporting that this is the worst year for executive quiff since the1987-88 cycle.   Are circumstances different now?

MELINDA: Oh, absolutely.  This recession is purely financial.  In the Gash Crunch of ’87, remember, we were dealing not only with a market crash, but with AIDS panic and the release of “Fatal Attraction”.  A forty-percent drop in the market is NOTHING compared to “Fatal Attraction”.

ANCHOR: How have your members handled the economic turmoil and cutbacks of the past year?

MELINDA: We’ve come through a very hard time beautifully.  I’m really proud of our organization.   A lot of the membership took time to step back and retool, (V/O APPROPRIATE FOOTAGE OR STILLS) learning some new skills, or investing in some cosmetic improvements.  Others stepped their game up to keep their positions, offering dominance services, or group scenes.   There’s been a lot of mutual support among our cocksuckers, and I think, between the new skills and the time off to really look at core services, we’re extremely well-positioned for the recovery.

ANCHOR: (cheerily) I bet you are.   Thanks for joining us.  So if there’s someone you  need to talk to about the acceptable ‘new normal’ when it comes to having a little something something on the side, looks like it’s time to have that conversation.   Moving to technology news, details are out about the first-person shooter sequel to “The Beatles: Rock Band”, and…..

Should the US knock off Canada this afternoon, game details, then:

(Ambient: Crowd noise, countdown, U-S-A! U-S-A!) “Eleven seconds, you’ve got ten seconds, the countdown going on right now! Parese up to Kesler. Five seconds left in the game. Do you believe in modest upsets with no political symbolism? *YES*!” (crowd roar, horn)

Should they lose, set it up, then, deeply dejected, and over faint strains of “O Canada”: “Eleven seconds, you’ve got ten seconds, the countdown’s going on. Almost over. Five seconds left in the game. (bitter, nasal-baby-talky-mocking) Do you believe in miracles? *sigh* Yeah, me neither. Oh well. How long til ‘The Simpsons’ is on?”

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“Whole Lotta Shakin’ Goin’ On”

Haiti, Japan, Chile…even freakin’ *Chicago* had an earthquake. Let me pose an important question: WHAT THE BLEEP IS GOING ON? LOOKIN’ AT YOU HERE, EARTH. Was it something we said? I tried asking President Obama, but he just complained that the planet’s tectonic plates were left to him by the Bush administration.

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“Sharp Dressed Man”

(And finally)
Gatorade has ended its endorsement deal with Tiger Woods, joining Accenture and AT&T as the third sponsor to drop the golfer since the scandal broke. However, Gillette and Tag Heuer have both stuck by Tiger. Makes sense: Global consulting, telecommunications, and hydration only have so much to do with scoring babes. But a nice *shave*…and an expensive *watch*…

(”…every girl’s crazy bout a sharp dressed man!”)

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“One Toke Over The Line”

A new study shows that the longer people use marijuana, the more likely they are to experience hallucinations, delusions, or to suffer psychosis; more than twice as likely as those who never used the drug. This study is obviously biased propaganda put forth by the Emperor of Japan, who controls the news through messages carried by giant bats. Gah! There’s one now!

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“Glory Days”

Russian President Dmitry Medvedev lamented the loss of quote “the old Soviet school” following Russia’s dismal performance at the Winter Olympics. Medvedev said if those responsible didn’t resign, the decision would be made for them. Boy, nothing says “old Soviet school” like Russian leaders indignantly demanding resignations.

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“Under The Sea”

Services were held yesterday for the SeaWorld trainer who was drowned by a killer whale last week in Orlando. The scene outside was slightly disturbing, as mourners clashed with apologetic members of Whales for the Ethical Treatment of Humans, trying, in their words, to quote “keep us all from being skewered by the same harpoon”.

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“New York, New York”

President Obama today announced a new intervention program for low-performing schools, the so-called “turnaround” model, in which you fire the principal and most of the staff. The “turnaround” model is similar to the “Steinbrenner” model, except without giving another school district’s best teacher a hundred million dollars to come teach for you.

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“You’ve Got To Hide Your Love Away”

TigerText, a new iPhone application specifically aimed at adulterers, allows senders to delete their text messages from the recipient’s phone. I wish I could buy stock in this app. But isn’t just the presence of the app a tipoff? It’s *much* better to put a 128-bit double-encrypted alphanumeric keycode on your phone. Um, I’m told.

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Theme from “The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly”

The Supreme Court could be on the verge of undoing almost every local gun control law in the nation. The mayor of Chicago criticized the expected decision, pointing out that Chicago’s longstanding gun ban has resulted in a city entirely free of violent crime. He’ll change his mind once he finds out you can tax guns.

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“Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It’s Off To Work We Go”

White House economic adviser Larry Summers says winter storms will distort Friday’s jobless figures. Construction, restaurants, and stores were hit hard by the blizzards, with many closing for days or weeks. Of course, *this* administration counts neighborhood kids with shovels as “jobs saved or created”, so…call it a push.

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Theme from “Superman”

Senator Jim Bunning, the only man in the Senate who’s still got a pair, is personally blocking a ten billion dollar spending bill because it would add to the deficit. Of the move, Bunning said (AUDIO: “I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody’s part.”)

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“Crazy”

Thirty-one percent of Americans now believe Toyota and Lexus vehicles aren’t safe. Of course, thirty-one percent of Americans also believe in their horoscopes*. So, yknow, don’t panic, Toyota. Give us six months and some good commercials. We’ll come around.

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“Shake Your Booty”

And finally, according to a NASA scientist, the earthquake that killed more than 700 people in Chile also shifted the Earth’s axis *and* shortened the day. (laughing) That’s ridiculous! Shortened the day! An earthquake can’t affect TIME. “Shake shake shake…shake shake shake…” And now you’ve *really* heard it all people. (mocking, disbelieving) ‘Shorten the day’. I’m Host Name and this has been the Roe Re.

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“Get A Job”

In the past few weeks, Congress has designated bills that would: preserve St. Croix beachfront, promote tourism, change immigration laws, and offer payroll tax breaks, all as “jobs bills”. Which would be true…if you wrapped them all together as the “2010 Omnibus Congressional Incumbent Job Rescue Act”.

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First lady Michelle Obama celebrated the late Dr. Seuss’ 106th birthday reading her version of “The Cat in the Hat” aloud to children. You know, it’s been a while, but I don’t recall the Cat being a federal afterschool program for Sally, or the goldfish being a protected species, or Thing One and Thing Two receiving *quite* so much help from the EPA.

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“The End”

In a textbook example of political gamesmanship, President Obama called on Congress to set aside political gamesmanship and hold a quote “up-or-down-vote” on health care reform. Spoiler Alert! It’ll be “down”.

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“Up In The Air Junior Birdman”

The FAA is investigating a controller who brought his child to work last month and allowed him to talk to pilots, even briefly allowing him to direct air traffic: (AUDIO) This sets a new record for audacity in letting your child do your job, smashing the more than ten-year-old record set by George H. W. Bush.

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“Unbelievable”

Sarah Palin is teaming up with “Survivor” creator Mark Burnett. The pair is pitching all the major networks on a reality show about a smoking hot chick who is chosen by a stodgy old coot to run for Vice President of the United States. So far execs have nixed the show as quote “completely unrealistic”. Maybe they should try it as a sitcom.

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“Whiter Shade Of Pale”

Three Los Angeles teachers who gave students pictures of O.J., Dennis Rodman, and RuPaul for a Black History Month parade have been suspended after the NAACP complained the teachers were mocking black heroes. Hey, look at the morons white people have to live with! Tellya what. If it’d help, we’ll trade you Carrot Top and Courtney Love for RuPaul and Rodman, straight up. Deal?

****

“Water Music”

More than thirty ships, including some passenger vessels, are stuck in sea ice off of Sweden. Additionally, two cruise-ship passengers were killed aboard a ship off Spain when giant waves struck the vessel. In a surprise move, the UN Security Council is attempting to enlist the aid of…Aquaman. (SFX: laser-wipe/”Meanwhile at the hall of justice”)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j1xtpsY0_LI

****

“911 Is A Joke”

The Report has obtained audio of the 911 calls made during last week’s whale attack at Seaworld:
(filters)
“911″
(frantic)”This is Seaworld, and one of our employees was just attacked!”
“Describe the attacker.”
“Um, big. Male…he’s black. And white.”
“How tall is he”
“Twenty feet? Weighs about, um, twelve thousand pounds.”
(silence)
“Hello?”
(dial tone)

“Take The Money And Run”

President Obama said (in his weekly radio address) that he’s determined to enforce his proposal to require banks who received bailout funds pay those funds back.  AUDIO: “Those who oppose this fee say the banks can’t afford to pay back the American people without passing on the costs.”  No, Mr.President.   We didn’t say they *CAN’T* do it. We said they *WON’T* do it.  Do you now, or have you ever had, a checking account, sir?

****

In Roe Report investment news, the Saints and Colts both covered this weekend.  (Ka-ching!)

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“One Of These Things Is Not Like The Other”

The situation continues to deteriorate in Haiti, where hundreds of thousands are without water, shelter, power, food, or medical care.   Arriving in Haiti over the weekend: The aircraft carrier Carl Vinson, twenty-two hundred US Marines, the 82nd Airborne, and Hillary Clinton.  

(”One of these things is not like the other…one of these things doesn’t belong.”

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“The Party’s Over”

* Today’s the day voters go to the polls to fill the seat Ted Kennedy held for forty-six years. President Obama is campaigning for Democrat Martha Coakley, but his advisers privately expect her to lose to Republican Scott Brown.  I’m no analyst, but when a President from Chicago can’t rig an election on the Kennedys’ home field, I’d say the Democratic Party is in serious trouble.

***

“South of the Border (Down Mexico Way)”

Glen W. Bell Jr., the founder of Taco Bell, died Sunday at the age of 86.  He started the chain in 1964, and it is now the nation’s largest Mexican fast-food chain.  Bell is survived by his wife, Martha, three sisters, two sons, four grandchildren, and that bleeping chihuahua. 

***

“Holiday Road”

A Chicago man who caused a security breach at JFK that required the evacuation of a terminal, delayed flights nationwide, and inconveninced hundreds has come forward.  The man, identified as Clark Wilhelm Griswold Junior, says he walked through the wrong door while returning from vacation.  The TSA has charged Mr. Griswold with misdemeanor buffoonery.

****

(”Happy Birthday” or “Auld Lang Syne” – especially if you have a sad blues trumpet or harmonica version.  There’s some on youtube, but I don’t know if there’s a rights problem there.)

Barack Obama has been President for one year today.  To celebrate, Michelle made a cake, and the President dug right in with both hands, cried when he got frosting in his eyes, ignored all his presents except the first one, then got overtired, threw up, and and had a crying meltdown. (Stop music.  Pause.) What was supposed to be a joke has turned into a surprisingly accurate metaphor.

****

“Tonight Show Theme”

Even as it appears Conan O’Brien’s run at the Tonight Show is coming to an end, supporters are rallying nationwide demanding NBC keep O’Brien at the show’s helm.  The protests have mostly been peaceful, though

“Sabre Dance”

an unidentified male bear was arrested at a protest outside NBC studios in New York and charged with public indecency.

****

Mystery novelist Robert B. Parker, author of more than fifty books, including the series that became the TV show “Spenser: For Hire”, has died at 77.  His death occurred under tragically mundane circumstances, and the family expressed regret that there would be no investigation.

****

“Deja Vu”

* Hours after Scott Brown became a Senator, speculation began about a run for *President*.  Well, he’s a younger guy, well spoken, good-looking, who just handed an allegedly more qualified older woman an electoral defeat after capitalizing on voter disgust with Washington.  America wouldn’t elect a guy like that President.  Again, I mean.

****

The president’s deadline to close Guantanamo Bay within one year is tomorrow, and, like so many of us when we move, he seems to left everything til the last minute.  If you’re a friend of Barack’s, you might not want to answer your phone today.  Especially if you own a minivan. 

****

“The Big Payback”

* Warren Buffett opposes President Obama’s proposed tax on financial institutions that have already repaid bailout funds, likening it to punishment.  “Should they have a special tax on congressmen because they let this thing happen to Freddie and Fannie? I don’t think so.” (beat) (beat) (beat) *I* bleeping do!

****

Aerosmith, “Big Ten Inch Record”

* And finally, speculation is at fever pitch over Apple’s anticipated unveiling of their new tablet computer.  However, an industry analyst predicts the rumored ten-inch touchscreen will actually be more like seven inches.  (pause)  Please stop nodding, ladies.

“…but I really get her going when I whip out my big ten inch…”

****

“American Idiot”

* CNBC’s Jim Cramer predicted a huge rally in the markets if Scott Brown won the Senate seat.  Scott won, and, just like he predicted, the Dow closed down a hundred and twenty-two points today.  (off) How is it I get two minutes a day on the radio and this bleep gets a TV show?  Get my agent on the phone!

****

“Sweet Georgia Brown”

And finally, a moron in Georgia is trying to start an all-white basketball league.  An all-Washington Generals league?  I’m not sure if this is racism or comedy.  Either way, it won’t work — if people want to watch slow, bad basketball, they can just watch the New Jersey Nets.  

(Knicks are pretty bad, too, but the Nets are just rancid.)

****

Sousa’s “Liberty Bell”

(Strident, triumphant, Sam-the-American-Eagle style)

With brass band playing, flags waving, and applause from activists worldwide, President Obama presided over today’s closing of the controversial prison at Guantanamo (scraaaatch or band crash).  (off)  What?  But he…that promise…one year!…he WHAT?…oops.  (On, sheepish)  Never mind.

“Angelina” ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIJzpdJIdmI )

Global humanitarian organizations are meeting Italy for the Rome Food Security Summit, where they hope to create action plans to deal with world hunger.  A strategic mistake on their part, if you ask me, because both times *I*’ve been to Rome, I ate so much pasta fazool, pizza bianca, and gelato on day one that I was too full to even THINK about food for the rest of the trip. 

****

“Circle Game”

* General Motors generated $3.3 billion last quarter and announced plans to start repaying government loans early.  That’s nice of them and all, and some analysts do say this is a good sign, but, considering at least some of that cash was Cash for Clunkers, doesn’t that mean GM is repaying a loan from the government with money that was a gift from the government?  Seems it wasn’t so much bailout as an advance.

(”…round and round and round in the circle game…”)

****

“Hallejulah Chorus” or “She Bop”, depending how much production you want to do and how many letters you want to get.

(HALLELUJAH!  HALLEJULAH!)  Pharmaceutical giant Boehringer has unveiled a female “desire pill”.  (HALLELUJAH!  HALLEJULAH!)  Pooled results from three studies showed that women who took the drug had more sex AND wanted more sex.  (HALLE-JU-LAH!)  Boehringer plans to seek permission to sell the first female libido-enhancement drug, which may stir debate over whether or not diminished sexual desire is a legitimate medical condition.  To which we at the Roe Report reply…who the f— cares?

(”…oo oo she do she bop she bop…)

****

“Jaws” theme

(Daa-dum.) Here’s an unholy alliance; Comcast is teaming up with Ticketmaster.  (Daa-dum)  They’re supposedly just doing some manuevering to avoid violating antitrust laws, but the real reason I bring it up is to point out that hearing that Comcast is teaming up with Ticketmaster is like hearing that the IRS is teaming up with your mother-in-law: You don’t know exactly what’s going to happen, but you’re pretty sure you won’t like it.

****

The Obama administration held a press conference yesterday and unveiled a new task force to crack down on financial crimes.  Here’s a clip:  (SFX: Superfriends wipe*)  “Holy pyramid scheme, Taxman! Is that what I think it is?”  “I’m afraid so, Robbing: Doctor Fraudulent returns!” (SFX: Superfriends wipe again)

* http://www.supermanhomepage.com/multimedia/Sounds/MP3/superfriends-stars.mp3

****

Taxpayers spent almost fifty-six million dollars building the Pontiac Silverdome thirty-five years ago, and it sold yesterday for just $583,000.  Analysts say the stadium might have fetched ten times that price if the buyer hadn’t also had to agree to accept the Detroit Lions, which were included free with purchase.

****

“Short People”

Playgirl magazine confirms that Levi Johnston kept his johnston under wraps during his Playgirl shoot.  The magazine says the shoot was quite tasteful and not at all risque.  Obviously, it couldn’t be to preserve his dignity, so what other reason could there possibly have been to *not* have let it all hang out?

(”…short people got, no reason to liiiiiiiiiiiiiive….”)

****

Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen has been diagnosed with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma and is undergoing chemotherapy.  The billionaire investor left Microsoft more than 25 years ago after being diagnosed with Hodgkin’s disease, from which he recovered.  Some doctors say this failure to keep doctors away is a direct result of Microsoft’s longstanding company policy banning apples.  (rimshot) (slide whistle) (vaudeville exit music)

****

“Go Cubs Go”

President Barack Obama believes that the prison at Guantanamo Bay can be closed “next year”.  He also believes he’ll make a decision on boosting troop levels in Afghanistan by then, too, and also talked about “next year” as the time to expect a decrease in unemployment. You know, for a Chicagoan who claims to be a White Sox fan, this guy talks about next year more than Harry Caray.   (SFX: “Holy Cow!”)

****

“I’m Too Sexy”

“Pirates of the Caribbean” star Johnny Depp reclaimed his title as People magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive” yesterday, an honor he first won in 2003.  Depp, whom People described as “Hollywood’s most irresistible iconoclast” succeeded 2008 winner Hugh Jackman.  Jackman finished third in the voting.  I’d tell you who came in second, but (smug/exhale/polishing nails on shirt) I don’t wanna brag.

****

“Walk Like An Egyptian”

Researchers for the American Heart Association gave 22 mummies CAT scans, and found something unexpected: Egyptians who lived 3,500 years ago had the same clogged arteries as modern Americans.  The prevailing theory among medical historians is that heart disease among ancient Egyptians was due to Moses leading the Israelites out of Pharaoh’s land, leaving Egypt without a single cardiologist.

****

“Lust for Life”

A failed antidepressant drug could instead be the female answer to Viagra.  Women who took the drug flibanserin while it was being tested as an antidepressant reported a significant increase in libido.  HOW can you call ANYTHING that makes women hornier a “failed antidepressant”.  It’s makes me happy just thinking about it!

****

* (SFX: Pac-Man start)
(SFX: Pac Man chomp)
Travelers were inconvenienced nationwide yesterday when an FAA computer crashed, causing widespread cancellations and delays, with some flights hours behind schedule.  The FAA has declined to identify the exact source of the problem or describe it as anything more specific than a “computer glitch”…though if you’ve ever had a boring desk job, you may have a guess.
(SFX: Pac-man killed)

****

“God Save The Queen/My Country,’Tis Of Thee” or “God Bless America” if that’s too cute.

(Actuality if you have one) Newly “elected” Afghan President Hamid Karzai’s inaugural speech was what we all expected: Pledges to crack down on corruption and promises to improve Afghanistan’s internal security forces. The high point of the speech was the sure to be famous line “Ask not what your country can do for you, but what American and British troops can do for your country.”

****

“Mandy”

Oprah Winfrey’s interview with Sarah Palin scored Oprah her highest rating in two years. The former VP candidate and Alaskan governor drew Winfrey her best numbers since Winfrey had the entire Osmond family on the show.  Seems you can’t go wrong pairing Oprah with really, really, *really* white people.   Next sweeps on Oprah: Mister.  Barry.  Manilow!

(Too edgy? “Cat Scratch Fever”

Proving it was indeed the daytime-TV viewer version of a heavyweight championship bout, Oprah Winfrey’s interview with Sarah Palin scored Oprah’s highest rating in two years.  Winfrey began the interview by asking Palin (SFX: Mad cat), whereupon Palin replied (SFX: Mad cat).  Winfrey responded, suggesting the former VP candidate, “(bleeeeeeeeeeep)”. 

****

“Fight For Your Right”

The International Atomic Energy Agency and Syria are throwing down over two sites in Syria where the IAEA found undeclared uranium.   Syria blames neighboring Israel, while the IAEA gently chides the terrorism-sponsoring nation, saying they think Syria is not telling the truth.  Seriously.  WHY ARE YOU TREATING THIS LIKE YOU FOUND A PENTHOUSE UNDER SYRIA’S BED?  Will you ground them if they’re lying?  Take away their allowance?  TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY!

****

“Hava Nagilah”

Downsizing and holiday cutbacks have reached the highest levels: The White House’s annual Hanukkah party is being cut back by half.  To four nights.  (rimshot)

****

“Jeopardy” theme

* Democrats got the sixty votes they needed to move a health-care reform bill to the Senate floor for debate when the last two Democratic holdouts, Arkansas Senator Blanche Lincoln and Lousiana Senator Mary Landrieu, agreed not to join a Republican filibuster.   What will the two receive for their votes?  (proper music/voice) Well, Roe, both ladies will receive millions in cash PLUS fabulous prizes, including state funding, bigger offices, and a lifetime supply of government pork! 

(Easier punchline: Change “What will the two receive for their votes?” to “What was the turning point in negotiations?” and cut in as much of the “Show me the money” exchange in Jerry Maguire as you see fit)

****

“For What It’s Worth”

* Unrest is increasing statewide in the University of California system.  Students marched, chanted, confronted police, and took over buildings at UCLA and Berkeley after the UC Board of Regents (increasing incredulity) approved a 32% increase in student fees…?  (outraged) You don’t go to college to protest against FEES!   You go to college to protest war, poverty, racism, and injustice, until you learn you can’t do anything about those things.  Then you get a job, get married, raise kids, and send them to college.   And THAT’S when you get to protest the freakin’ fees.