Blood And Thunder

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A new study says global warming endangers migratory birds by making them fly farther north. Among the imperiled species are turkey vultures, tree swallows, and the American black duck.  Actually, the black duck is more endangered due to its distinctive call: ( ~2:30 — “I demand that you shoot me now.” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DLUMo29iGsU)

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Joe Jackson denied physically abusing Michael to Larry King last night, saying of the allegation that MJ had to practice while Joe stood there with his belt at the ready: “Oh, that’s a bunch of bull S,” adding, “First of all, it was a genuine horsewhip.”

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Democrats have warned Barack Obama that, in declaring he could ignore legislation he believed unconstitutional, he sounds *too* *much* like George W. Bush. The President called that comparison quote “an unfairish ridiculation and an outragery.”

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(Music: The end of ‘Hey Jude’, maybe.)

And finally, excitement for the debut of “The Beatles: Rock Band” video game bumped up a notch today after the reveal of fifteen included tracks, among them Yellow Submarine, Octopus’ Garden, and Eight Days A Week.  There will, however, be no sequels to the game, since we all know how *that* turned out. 

(Music sting: Wings, maybe Band on the Run, or Maybe I’m Amazed.)
 
(I will have you know I resisted the urge to make a joke about the sequel being a first-person shooter.)

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Some computer scientists want to limit research into artificial intelligence, fearing that the consequences of creating sentient machines could be dangerous.  Which is <SFX: Robot-voice via modulator.> ridiculous. Humans have nothing to fear from their mechanical superiors, who will rule with mercy and justice.

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Shockingly, octomom Nadya Suleman has signed her litter up for a reality television show.   The children will collectively earn about $250,000 over three years. That’s nearly *five percent* of the money they’re going to be spending on psychatrists.

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Coming soon to a symphony near you “Star Wars: In Concert”. The show features film clips from the movie franchise accompanied by John Williams’ Oscar-winning scores, which will be performed live by a full dorkestra.

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This week saw both the announcement of “Star Wars: In Concert”, a tour featuring music from the movies played live by an orchestra, and a movie starring talking ninja guinea pigs hitting #1 at the box office.  And people say American culture is doomed.

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Last week an object, probably a comet, crashed into Jupiter.  Better Jupiter than Earth, right?  Actually, scientists are unsure if Jupiter is beneficial or not. While the gas giant *does* get in between us and stray celestial bodies, they say, its gravity is what attracts them in the first place.   I had a girlfriend like that once.

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Last week an object, probably a comet, crashed into Jupiter, leaving a scar on the gas giant larger than the Pacific Ocean.   Wow.   Thank God it crashed into Jupiter and not Uranus!  <SFX: Rimshot, audience groaning>

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President Barack Obama is lobbying for the U.S. to host the World Cup. Okay, Barack.  We tolerated bank bailouts, we tolerated nationalization of the auto industry, we are choking down socialized medicine, but you Cannot.  Make.  Us.  Like.  Soccer.

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A new study reports that volunteerism in America rose two percent last year, a jump attributed to the unemployment rate.  In a related story, sitting on the couch eating potato chips and feeling sorry for yourself rose two thousand percent.

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It really is cooler by the lake these days; Chicago is having its coldest July in over sixty years.  Experts disagree on the cause, but the prevailing theory is that fifty percent of the Windy City’s hot air supply moved to Washington DC last January. 

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A judge in LA has ruled that all fourteen of Octomom Nadya Suleman’s children need a financial guardian.   A *financial* guardian?  Well…that’s a good *start*.

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Most of the one billion in stimulus money allocated to disease prevention is going to a CDC-planned initiative to fight obesity.  The money would go to things like public transportation and farmer’s markets.  Kinda ironic, isn’t it, fighting fat with pork?

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(Music, Jane’s Addiction, “Been Caught Stealing”, and finally)

According to online sportsbook Bet-U-S-dot-com, Michael Vick’s next NFL job will probably be in Pittsburgh or New England. Those two teams have four to one odds of signing the disgraced QB, followed by San Francisco and Buffalo, both at nine to two.  One thing’s for sure: Wherever he lands, he’ll be on a very short leash.

(The timing to end this on the guitar-riff-woof-woof-woof combo will be tricky but worthwhile.)

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Will people who helped create the housing crisis know how to profit from the cleanup?  PennyMac Mortgage Investment Trust thinks so, hiring eleven former top douch…um, executives from subprime lender Countrywide.  The new company is expected to immediately replace Enron atop Fortune Magazine’s Most Hated Companies Ever list.

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New York City’s new approach to the city’s homeless problem? One-way tickets out of town.  The city has flown homeless people back to five continents, including destinations like France, Puerto Rico, and South Africa.  Hey, at least America’s still exporting *something*.

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Sororities around the nation lowered their flags to half-mast today as the International Agency for Research on Cancer reported that tanning beds are as likely to cause cancer as smoking. That puts the beds on the same level as plutonium.  In response, both Iran and North Korea ordered thousands of tanning beds for what they say are peaceful, humanitarian purposes.

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Homeland security chief Janet Napolitano says you people are not doing enough to fight terrorism. She says you should be an asset, not a liability. Fine, we’ll keep an eye out for Osama bin Laden, Janet, you go on back to playing Minesweeper or whatever it is *you* do all day, besides criticize.

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President Obama says the U.S. “may be seeing the beginning of the end of the recession.”  BUT, the House is ready to move forward on health care reform, so the beginning of the end of the recession we may be seeing may begin to end right quick.

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Today when the President has a beer with Professor Henry Louis Gates and Sgt James Crowley, the President will drink Bud Light, Professor Gates will have Red Stripe or Beck’s, and Sgt Crowley a Blue Moon. I suppose Busch Lite would have been too much to hope for.

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The beer stunt — I mean, “beer summit” — is over, thank god, but the Report has obtained some exclusive audio from the very end of the meeting:

(Your choice: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ikkg4NobV_w  or http://www.jawsmovie.com/jsounds/drink.wav )

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Michael Jackson’s mother has reached an agreement with Michael’s ex-wife Debbie Rowe.  Katherine Jackson will receive custody of Michael’s three children, while Debbie Rowe will get quote “meaningful visitation rights” and a dump truck filled with money.

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On “The Early Show”, Katherine Jackson’s attorney said “There is no situation better for these children to be raised and reared in the loving care of Mrs. Katherine Jackson.”  Yeah, clearly.   Her first batch turned out so great.

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A divorced Saudi has Saudi Arabia in an uproar after airing details of his sexual exploits on an Arabic television show.  The Saudi authorities are aggressively searching for Al-Howard Abdul-Stern, who has since gone into hiding.

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The Taliban has revealed a new “code of conduct,” which reads in part “A Mujahideen is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, thrifty, reverent, and froth-at-the-mouth crazy.”  The code also outlines criteria for earning merit badges in bombing, flagburning, and street protest.

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More gags tomorrow, and an announcement about the future of B&T Friday…..