Old monologue jokes. Get ‘em while they last.
* denotes something that made the ‘cast.
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(Music: Adam West Batman theme)
*Activists are protesting a Richmond, Virginia strip club that’s hoisted a banner depicting President Obama as Heath Ledger’s Joker. The club’s owner says he is a staunch libertarian, and the sign signals his displeasure with the President’s policies. The President of the Virginia NAACP, however, called the banner an attack on the President, all men, and all people of African descent. Buddy, you think you’re offended now, you should’ve seen what the club did on Anti-Bush nights.
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(”Memories”)
*Iran’s latest middle finger to the world came just ahead of another round of peace talks, in the form of missiles which Tehran says are capable of striking targets in Israel, and reaching US bases in the Persian Gulf. When asked what Washington wanted from the much-anticipated talks, White House spokesman Robert Gibbs told reporters Iran needed to give inspectors access to their uranium fac..il..i..ty…waitaminute. Inspectors…dictator…weapons of mass destruction…middle finger to the world…haven’t we been through this before? Something sounds familiar here…does anybody have a newspaper from 2003? Or, come to think of it, 1991?
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(Audio) That was SNL’s newest cast member, Jenny Slate, accidentally saying (bleep) on the air Saturday night, a transgression that according to NBC will not cost her her job. And as a member of the media and staunch free-speech advocate, I think that it’s (bleep) great that the network is being so (bleep) understanding about her use of the word (bleep). Way to (bleep) stand up for your people, NBC! I think you guys are the (bleep).
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(Godfather theme)
*President Obama is heading for Copenhagen to push Chicago’s 2016 Olympic bid. I think this is admirable of the President — mainly because I’m from Chicago — but I have to wonder, couldn’t we send someone more convincing? Leader of the free world he may be, but Chicago has a long tradition of (transition to Roe Mob Voice) making offers people can’t refuse. The IOC can see the reasonable course of action over here. I mean, be a shame if somethin’ happened to such a nice committee or their families or anything. (SFX, the Untouchables, “I do not approve of your methods!” “Yeah? Well you’re not from Chicago.”
(Also could be worked in: The monologue about the “Chicago Way” at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7g0RLyxP13o , Capone’s baseball bat scene http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=73EPp81C97M , http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zc9zF8G2Pvc)
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(”3″ — http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jGD7aInwM4k . Lyrics at the YT page, too. Clearest lyric clip starts around 1:25)
* In dire need of publicity for her third greatest hits album in four years, Britney Spears has recorded “Threeâ€, a dance track extolling the virtues of threesomes. (Clip) I don’t know about you, but that title certainly has me thinking differently about “Beethoven’s Ninthâ€. No wonder it’s called “Ode To Joy”.
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(Music: “Meow Mix” – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JuVHCJVYf4)
The pet-food industry is thriving despite the recession, and according to some analysts, the record sales of cat and dog food are a result of consumers refusing to cut back on food for their furry friends. My own personal analysis of the industry’s success is a little less rosy. Just remember, people, red wine goes with beef ‘n’ gravy, white wine goes with tuna surprise.
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http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2009/09/28/eveningnews/main5347847.shtml
(”Shake Your Booty” – Zappaesque pun intended)
*Al Qaeda has a new tactic for smuggling suicide bombs past airport and personal security. An attack made on a Saudi prince who heads the Kingdom’s counterterrorism operations involved a pound of high explosives plus a detonator hidden, um, somewhere very private. How do you combat this new threat? Let me put it this way: If you think airport security is invasive now, (chuckle), just you wait.
(”…shake shake shake….shake shake shake….”)
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Here’s something creepy: Over the weekend, Swiss authorities took Roman Polanski into custody, intending to extradite him to Los Angeles to face punishment for a thirty-year-old statutory rape conviction. Now Hollywood is ralling behind the legendary director, with a petition signed by over a hundred luminaries, including — get this — WOODY ALLEN, who said “Hey, we creepy pervert has-been movie geniuses gotta stick together”. What’s next, a Gary Glitter benefit concert?
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(Music: “Won’t Get Fooled Again” or “What Kind Of Fool Am I?”)
Former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan foresees the U.S. economy “flattening out” next year as the surge in stocks ends. He also told Bloomberg News that he doesn’t see inflation as an issue. And really, if we can’t trust the analysis of a guy who presided over the creation of two separate economic bubbles, who can we trust?
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(”Memories” or Simple Minds’ “Don’t You Forget About Me”)
A study commissioned by the NFL found that memory-related diseases appear to have been diagnosed in the league’s former players at as much as nineteen times the normal rate. These numbers would become the league’s first public affirmation of any connection to memory loss, though an NFL spokesman said that the study did not formally diagnose dementia and that “there are thousands of retired players who do not have memory problemsâ€, though he was unable to recall any of their names.
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(Zevon, “Trouble Waiting To Happen”)
One day before the decision is to be handed down, Rio has lodged an official complaint with the IOC against Chicago Mayor Richard Daley. Rio claims the Mayor criticized their bid, a violation of IOC rules, by saying that hosting the Olymipcs was not the same as hosting the world Cup. Rio…I grew up in Chicago. Don’t pick a fight with Mayor Daley. You’ll never get your garbage picked up again. And, ay, caramba, the parking tickets coming your way.
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(Music: I assume this show has a theme song?)
*Following the breakdown of the Gosselin’s marriage, the reality show “John and Kate Plus Eight” will change its name next month to “Kate Plus Eight”. The initial plan called for the show to be renamed “Kate Plus Eight Minus One”, but was shortened when research revealed that many of the show’s fans found the math quote “impossible”.
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*House Minority Leader John Boehner ripped President Obama yesterday for going to Copenhagen to push Chicago’s Olympic bid, saying there were serious issues under debate here at home. (AUDIO?) “Listen, I think it’s a great idea to promote Chicago, but he’s the president of the United States, not the mayor of Chicago.” That’s right, John. He is the President of the United States. He only WISHES he had as much power as the mayor of Chicago.
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*Today’s the day we find out whether or not Chicago gets the 2016 Olympics. Will there be triumph in the Windy City, or will the outcome be just another disappointing loss in a city notorious for them? The Mayor is in Copenhagen to find out. Accompanying him is the leader of the free world, Oprah Winfrey, as well as lesser lights Barack and Michelle Obama. Will Chicago bring home the gold, or will the Second City silver once again? As an Olympic backer and a Cub fan, I have to say…not hopeful. But, hey, 2020 is gonna be our year!
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(Beck, “Loser”)
The New York Mets are lowering prices for all 2010 season tickets. A team spokesman said “The Mets are sensitive to the economic realities facing our fans and we have lowered our ticket prices in response to these challenging conditions.†I have to assume here that what he really means is “We’re really sorry this team sucks.” In response to the price cut, the Detroit Lions announced that any fan attending a Lions home game would receive a crisp new fifty-dollar bill.
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(”Man In The Mirror”)
*Autopsy results are in on Michael Jackson, and the results are absolutely shocking! The Los Angeles County coroner’s report details the condition of Jackson’s body, inside and out, including his weight, heart condition, lung and kidney function, and ultimately describes Jackson as perfectly…normal. Wow. What were the odds of *that*?
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(Music: Whitney Houston. See below)
During the Pittsburgh G-20 protests last week, police used a long range acoustic device likened to a quote “spotlight of sound” to order demonstrators to disperse, and to play a high-pitched “deterrent tone” designed to drive people away. Here’s what it sounded like:
“IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…will always love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuu”
I’m no bleeding heart liberal, but that’s…just inhumane.
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(”Forever Young”)
Three Americans won the Nobel prize in medicine for their work on aging. Their work showed how to stop telomeres from breaking down during the aging process. The scientists have shown that adding telomerase to human cells can extend their lifespan indefinitely, research that spurred speculation that telomerase might turn out to be the fountain of youth. However, the prizewinners cautioned against getting overexcited before going off to celebrate the youngest of the trio’s 347th birthday.
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(”Take This Job And Shove It”.)
*The U.S. service sector grew in September for the first time in more than a year, giving a fresh sign that the economy is healing. The service sector represents roughly eighty percent of the U.S. economy, so some analysts interpret the growth as good news. But I’m not totally convinced, seeing as this morning I bought an Egg McMuffin from my old Merrill Lynch guy.
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(”High Hopes”)
*President Obama waded back into the health-care fight yesterday, telling a group of doctors, “I’m confident we are going to get health reform passed this year.” The President detailed some of his proposed overhaul, saying “although there are still some details to be worked out, there’s some general principles that I think we can have confidence in.” Isn’t he just adorable? He still thinks health care reform is real. I could just eat him all up.
(”…high apple pie in the skyyyyyyyyy hopes…”)
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(http://www.clipshack.com/Clip.aspx?key=8EA10708E1A21E60 )
A Pennsylvania woman was attacked and killed by her three-hundred-fifty pound pet bear this weekend. Details are still sketchy, but reports indicate that a drunken dispute over a pick-a-nick basket may have spiraled out of control. Police have issued a statewide warrant for the perpetrator, who they warn is smarter than average, and his accomplice, whose street name is “Boo-Boo”.
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(Beck, “Loser”)
*The atmosphere in the Windy City this weekend was equal parts relief, disbelief, and resentment following Chicago’s early exit as a 2016 Olympic host candidate. While the mayor is handling the disappointment with characteristic humility and restraint (SFX: http://www.entertonement.com/clips/tsythfnyty), a Roe Report poll shows that, among Chicago sports fans who supported the Olympics, reaction breaks down predictably. Sox fans think “Ri-o Sucks! Ri-o Sucks!” while Cubs fans are already excited for 2020, and Bears fans are sad but unsurprised at watching Rio intercept our bid and dance eighty yards into the end zone.
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By the way, this loss deals Chicago a double-blow, as it dropped to third in the World Corruption Cup Rankings. The city once known to bribe and backroom aficionados as “The Machine” now trails the IOC in all corruption polls, though both remain far, far behind perennial number one, the NCAA.
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(”Zorba’s Dance”)
Greek elections are over, and exit polls indicate change coming to the Greek system. Sunday’s elections were held two years ahead of schedule, in response to a minority challenge within the Greek system. The Greek constitution requires the two major parties to agree on the election of a president, which they can only do after the candidates compete in beer pong, date rape, fundraising, karaoke, and arm-wrestling. Hazing of the new president is expected to begin immediately.
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(”Hurray for Hollywood”)
Michael Moore’s latest movie, “Capitalism: A Love Story” opened to lukewarm reviews and outright cold attendance, taking in less than five million dollars on its opening weekend, which leaves the film about Wall Street excess poised to be Moore’s worst performer in more than a decade. So Michael got the movie, but capitalism gets the last laugh.
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(James Brown, “Payback” – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vsOmvSlPuys )
Brett Favre faced the Green Bay Packers last night, and COMPLETELY bleeped my fantasy team. I’m sure there was some other storyline, but what he did to to Roe’s Conn Men was so unspeakable I can’t even remember what else was important about that game. The last thing I recall was his second touchdown pass. Everything after that is blurred rage. By the way, honey, I’m sorry about the TV.
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(”You Oughta Know”)
Declaring him a flight risk, a Swiss court has denied an appeal to release film director Roman Polanski on bail. Folks…I’ve been trying to be funny about this for a week. Roman Polanski drugged and raped a thirteen year old girl. Roman Polanski ADMITTED he drugged and raped a thirteen year old girl. Roman Polanski PLED GUILTY to having drugged and raped a thrteen year old girl. Yes, it has been thirty years since Roman Polanski drugged and raped a thirteen year old girl. But they were not thirty years spent in unjust exile by a genius. They were thirty years that Roman Polanski, who drugged and raped a thirteen year old girl, should have spent in prison. No joke here: It is time, thirty years past time, for Roman Polanski, this motherbleeper, who drugged and raped a thirteen year old girl, to pay.
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(”My City Was Gone”, natch)
Rush Limbaugh has confirmed reports that he is among the bidders trying to purchase the St. Louis Rams. Missouri native Limbaugh is part of an ownership group that includes the current chairman of the St. Louis Blues hockey team. I can hear Kyle Boller now: “Right 31! Blue dog! Right 31! Blue dog! Right 31! Right! Right! Right!” (SFX crowd roar. All in right channel, if you want to be really cute.)
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(Bond theme, or Goldfinger)
In a deeply confusing but ominous story, British media reports that Arab oil producers, along with China, Russia, Japan and France, are conspiring to end dollar-based oil pricing, which is driving up the price of gold. Gold reached a new high yesterday on the news. According to analysts, trading gold for oil would effectively return gold to the status of currency. Wait: Is this the financial news, or the script for a new Bond movie?
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(”Happy Feet”)
Former Republican Congressman Tom DeLay has had to bow out of Dancing With the Stars for medical reasons. DeLay has been diagnosed with stress fractures in both feet, and urged by doctors not to continue. Contrary to expectations, DeLay did very well on the show, tearing up the floor with a well-rendered samba on an early episode, despite his having two right feet.
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On the CBO/Baucus plan story, I heard somebody, I think Lindsey Graham, on the top-of-the-hour news saying something like, “To make this plan work we have to cut four hundred million from Medicare. If we can do that I’ll buy you a car.” If you have the clip, which I cannot find, I would like to add to that statement, “Um, Linds, you already bought everybody cars.”
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Tom DeLay, who had to leave Dancing With The Stars due to stress fractures in his feet, had nothing but nice things to say about the show. He praised the entire cast and crew — yes, even the liberals — and said he made some quote “very good friends” during his run. Then the former house majority leader donned a fur coat, smiled through his new gold teeth, and excused himself, as he was going to Vegas with Michael Irvin and Chuck Liddell.
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The rally in gold continues unabated amid concerns about a weak dollar and inflation. Some analysts think gold could hit $1500 a troy ounce by the middle of next year. I can’t decide which way to think. Will gold go the way of tulips, Pets.com stock, and condos in Vegas? Or should I call the ol’ DDS and have my fillings replaced with something less important to my portfolio?
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(”We Are Family”)
A slave named Melvinia and an unnamed white man have been identified through documents as the great-great-great-grandparents of First Lady Michelle Obama. The five-generation journey from slavery to the White House has been painstakingly pieced together from historical records, including probate records, marriage licenses, and even old photographs. The most shocking discovery by the researchers? The First Lady is in no way even remotely related to Kevin Bacon.
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“Wild Blue Yonder”
All Nippon Airways has started asking passengers to go to the bathroom before boarding in a bid to reduce carbon emissions. The Japanese carrier hopes that empty bladders mean lighter passengers, a lighter aircraft and thus lower fuel use. My concern? That the reduction in carbon emissions won’t make up for the increase in methane emissions.
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EBay retailers had sales gains in August and September, the first increases since at least July 2008. Revenue for EBay merchants gained 4.6 percent in August and 5.1 percent in September. Sales had declined every month since tracking began fourteen months ago, but it looks like the recovery may be in sight, and it will be led by Star Trek pajamas, porcelain cats, and mint-condition Cabbage Patch Kids.