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Yeah, I’m disappointed. But, if I am going to play in the majors, I probably need to learn to lose. Occasionally.
Last piece from this round of tryouts:
If you want to apply to be a contributing writer (2-5 hours per week for 13 weeks), please submit the following:
-20 News Ideas for ONN Videos. Each idea should include a headline for the piece, as it might appear on the Onion website. It should also include 2-3 sentences describing the idea, and where the joke would go in the video. Please focus on ideas that have enough to them to support a 3 minute piece. We suggest looking at the Onion website and the ONN archives for inspiration.
Green Lantern Signs $100 Million Free Agent Contract With Legion Of Doom
Hal Jordan is jumping to the Justice League’s chief rival via free agency. We assess impact on crime-fighting and power balance, including comment from old and new teammates; analysts lament the Legion’s unfair advantage in ignoring salary cap.
Scientific Patented Wealth-Building System Unlike Other Get Rich Quick Schemes
Heavily hyped breakthrough now allows you to make big money fast while working from home with no effort. No sales or MLM or pyramid schemes! Piece is stuffed full of scam clichés and wondrous promises without ever actually specifying what the system is. Audience should be left wondering if anchors are in on scam.
Election Shifts Iran From Islamic To Country
Iranian citizens woke up this morning to find that their country had flipped formats overnight, from a religious dictatorship to a country-western state. New Sheriff-For-Life Mahmoud Ahmadinejad appears on television in big hat and lawman’s star, explaining new programming to formerly Islamic state.
Pornstar Refuses Best Actress Award To Protest Treatment Of Anus
Outraged over the industry’s mistreatment of her anus, 2010 Best Actress winner Scarlett Lehter sends representative to AVN awards to refuse her Woody. Footage shown of speech; stunned audience reacts. Analysis: Will this make a difference, or is she just showboating?
Pope Leaving Church To Pursue Solo Career
The Pope announces that he and the Catholic Church have accomplished everything they will be able to together, and he is moving on. Possible solo projects discussed, including founding a new religion, launching a web-based business, or embarking on a film career. Fans crushed at breakup. Hard feelings implied among College of Cardinals.
Internet Passes Traditional Media As Source Of Coded Messages To Schizophrenics
For the first time, more than 50% of schizophrenics are receiving coded messages via YouTube, Wikipedia, blogs, etc, than via television/radio/newspapers. Older schizophrenics lament the days of experiencing Tom Brokaw telling them to shoot their dogs as “one human event”. Concern is expressed over reliability of alien signals when retransmitted via blog.
ONN-FNC Joint Alert: There Has Been No Coup.
ONN, with hastily added Fox News graphics, breaks into programming to announce that all is well, and no coup has taken place. Obvious off camera threat. Second anchor has been beaten, but assures America that all is well. Tearful field reporter in DC reads statement, possibly at gunpoint. Brief footage of chaos before happy “FNC Technical Difficulties” screen.
CDC Confirms Outbreak Of Spring Break Fever Among Florida Seniors
The CDC is working to contain an outbreak of Sprint Break Fever in Boca Raton. Seniors are shown behaving like douchebags; bicep tattoos, “BITCH ON THE BEACH” shirts, flashing, drinking, screaming at the camera while holding yards of margarita, vomiting in the street, etc.
Goddamn Jets Can’t Cover A Fucking Spread To Save Their Fucking Lives
OSN recaps the Jets’ failure to cover a fucking spread. The fucking quarterback threw a goddamn pick and the bullshit D allowed a garbage touchdown and BOOM, somebody’s out $500. Players interviewed as to what the fuck is wrong with them. Steam Room: Can ANYBODY explain what’s with these guys?
Healthwatch: New Study Confirms American Women Gonna Mess Your Mind
The American Journal of Psychiatry has published research confirming that American women really are gonna mess your mind. Men confirm, women deny, some with outrage. Medical recommendation is to not let her come hangin’ around your door, or even to see her face no more. Medical correspondent evaluates.
Married Gay Couples Sue Church, State For Making Marriage Seem Desirable
Couples married prior to outlawing of gay marriage say that those who blocked marriage also knowingly and falsely made marriage seem awesome. Now that it has turned out to be mostly fighting, recrimination, and therapy, married same-sex couples are suing for false advertising.
Breaking: We Have Three Minutes To Live
Anchor breaks into current story, awkwardly and in disbelief, with news of asteroid impact in three minutes. All hell breaks loose. Smoking, drinking, sex, screaming, fleeing, swearing. Field correspondents praying, crying, unhinged. Should be timed to end at actual program termination.
God Revises Estate Plan Following Marriage To Showgirl
God has revised his two-thousand-year-old estate plans after impulse wedding in Vegas. The Beatitudes are updated — i.e. “The meek shall inherit His flatscreen and $25,000.” Legal ramifications discussed; Do Heaven and Earth have transferable rights of ownership? Can she choose new Chosen People? Panelist struck down for implying God is not in His right mind.
Detroit Reveals Plans To Reopen As “That 70’s City”
In an effort to reverse decades of decline, Detroit is taking the radical step of rolling the clock back thirty-five years. Mayor makes announcement in leisure suit, surrounded by hippies, Black Panthers, union thugs, etc. Compliance requirements outlined.
Tearful America Reluctantly Concludes It Is Time To Have ‘The Simpsons’ Put Down
At a melancholy family meeting, America comes to the sad conclusion that ‘The Simpsons’, a beloved cultural touchstone for twenty years, is suffering, and the lovable old franchise needs to be put to sleep. Weeping family members remember fond moments, and conclude that it really is the kindest thing to do. The show is buried under a tree in a sunny park.
NBA Star Leaving Team Early To Enter Graduate School
OSN: All-Star LaJason Hendrick is jumping directly from the Lakers to the London School of Economics. Laker and LSE fans react. Steam Room considers his chances of success as an economist.
Flagging Traditional Powerhouse England Fires Queen
In an attempt to “shake things up” and “provide a spark” after a prolonged decline following 300 years of dominance, England has fired the Royal Family. Face-painted fans chanting “Bring Back The Jack!” celebrate Queen’s dismissal. Analysts summarize her tenure, and identify possible replacements.
Activists: Suicide Only 100% Effective Cure For Depression
New movement encourages suicide as the only 100% effective cure for depression, and offers testimonials and research backing theory. Movement dismisses medication and talk therapy as “ineffective new-age crap” compared to their sure-cure method. Wants public funding for alternative treatments slashed.
Oldest Established Permanent Floating Crap Game In New York Raided By G-Men
Guys & Dolls-era gambling bust, with period outfits and language, but current data-overload news style. Filmed in black & white, with anchors smoking and talking about the Men of Hoover triumphing over Eye-talian hoods and organized crime.
TMZ: Elmo “Person of Interest” In Vegas Nightclub Shooting
The LVPD has officially identified Muppet superstar Elmo as part of a murder investigation. Potential impact of arrest and conviction on Elmo’s career is assessed, as is the damage already done to his reputation. Grainy footage of Elmo getting a lapdance or being hustled into a limo by his posse.