Blood And Thunder

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Month-old monologue jokes….get ‘em while they last.

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“Let me start by dispelling the outlandish rumors that reform will promote euthanasia, or cut Medicaid, or bring about a government takeover of health care.” That’s President Obama, from his weekly radio address. In related news, all time-NFL sack leader Bruce Smith was inducted into the Football Hall of Fame this weekend, though his speech was *much* less defensive.

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“G.I. Joe” took in fifty-six million domestically at the box office this weekend, blasting past a hundred million worldwide. It’s the number one movie in Russia, China, and South Korea. GI Joe stars Channing Tatum and Marlon Wayans, and was directed by Stephen Sommers. A lot of information, I realize, but now you know. (SFX: And knowing is half the battle.)

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Michael Jackson’s friend Mark Lester says he’s the biological father of Michael’s daughter Paris. Lester claims he donated sperm to help the late singer have children. For those of you scoring at home, someone has now claimed to *have* had sex with Michael Jackson, someone has claimed to have *not* had sex with Michael Jackson, and someone has claimed to have had sex *for* Michael Jackson.

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Sarah Palin called Obama’s health care plan “downright evil” on Facebook, accusing him of creating a “death panel” to deny care. Sarah’s adept use of Facebook and Twitter is considered a strong indication that, come 2012, she will run for senior class president.

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Taliban chief Baitullah Mehsud was reportedly killed last week while getting a rubdown. No word on who provided the massage, but a CIA drone provided the happy ending.

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Nearly two years before the riot that left 175 inmates injured, a report warned state officials that the prison at Chino was a “disturbance waiting to happen,”. The primary concern? That the place was filled with criminals! Hope you didn’t pay too much for that report, California.

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Reviews of the much-anticipated Guitar Hero Five are starting to roll out, and so far they’re positive. The game includes eighty-five new songs, a multiplayer mode, and a groupie mode I can’t say anything about except wow, have we come a long way since Pong.

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President Obama says that he doesn’t find Canadians scary, but that they’re being used as a bogeyman in the health care debate. I don’t think that’s fair, Mr. President. I don’t find Canadians scary. Well, okay, maybe Pamela Anderson.

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Worker productivity, the metric used to calculate employee output per hour worked, grew at the fastest pace in almost six years last quarter as employers slashed payrolls. Also near record highs among US workers: Panic attacks, chest pains, and night terrors.

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The Blue Brain project has spent years replicating a mammalian brain using some of the world’s most powerful computers, and now the Project has announced plans to build an electronic human brain inside ten years. Sadly, too late to save Lindsay Lohan.

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Google has revealed its next-generation internet search tool, which is faster and more comprehensive than the current search engine. So now when you Google “Jessica Simpson Naked” you’ll get tons more spam, advertising, and spyware, twice as fast!

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Rapper “C-Murder” has been convicted of his namesake crime in a 2002 nightclub shooting. The jury reached the verdict immediately after hearing the defendant’s name.

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Wall Street took its biggest loss in five weeks ahead of Wednesday’s Federal Reserve meeting. Analysts, who don’t know anything, say that traders, who also don’t know anything, are concerned that the Fed, who doesn’t know anything either, will do something. But they couldn’t say what. God, I hate doing the business news.

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Hoping to reassure Americans that private insurers can compete with a government plan, the President said “UPS and FedEx are doing just fine…It’s the Post Office that’s always having problems.” A Secret Service agent attempted to throw himself between the President’s bullet and the Presidential foot, but he was too slow.

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In a shocking claim that would change the auto industry as we know it, General Motors said yesterday that the Chevy Volt gets two hundred and thirty miles per gallon in city driving. And really, if you can’t believe miraculous claims made by a company on the verge of insolvency three months ago, what can you believe?

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A new study says that aspirin can not only help prevent colorectal cancers, but also can improve colorectal cancer survival rates by as much as fifty percent. I don’t know about you, but I’m going to start using preventative aspirin immediately. Thank GOD the study didn’t recommend apples.

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Germany has revealed an ambitious new plan to showcase the country’s technological and scientific skills. Breathe easy, Poland, they’re just sending robots to the moon.

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Two of California’s top gay rights groups disagree over when to next try overturning California’s ban on gay marriage. The Courage Campaign is ready right now, but Equality California wants to take it slow. Take it from me, guys, that happens with marriage.

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JetBlue is offering a six-hundred dollar all-you-can-fly pass for one month of unlimited travel. The pass allows travelers to visit any of the airline’s 56 destinations. The only catch is that you have to fly JetBlue.

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An accountant who denounced Bernie Madoff in court now reveals that she and the Ponzi mastermind had an affair. The details will be in her book, which is due to hit stores August 25, and is titled, “Screwed Then Effed By Bernie Madoff”.

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In a new poll of Dutch adults, eighty-eight percent said the thing they enjoy most in life is “going to the bathroom”. The potty stop ranked ahead of ‘time with friends’, ‘outdoor recreation’, and ‘having sex’, thus making number two…number one.

‘Sweird, writing for an audience that’s dumber and more easily upset than you people.   Not sure what to do about it….

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Democratic strategist James Carville is now advising the campaign of a U.S.-educated rival to Afghan President Hamid Karzai.  Carville’s first advice to former Afghan Finance Minister Ashraf Ghani? <chuckle> I think we can guess.

(Alt: Carville’s first advice to former Afghan Finance Minister Ashraf Ghani?  “Keep it in your robes, Ashraf.”)

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(SFX pairing: Marvin Gaye, Let’s Get It On)

In Japan, pornography fans lead surging *mobile* bandwidth demand. Mobile pornography revenues will rise to $4.9 billion globally over five years – boy, am I in the wrong business – but may lead to battles over download limits.  Remember when just *talking* on the phone in public was inappropriate? 

(There’s a hands-free joke bonanza here.   Pick one you can get away with.)

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India plans to borrow a record 4.51 trillion rupees ($93 billion) to fund spending on roads, power and aid for the poor, causing their deficit to rise to 6.8 percent of GDP.  Bread and circuses. Welcome to the first world, India.  It’s all downhill from here.

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V1:
This fall, University of Chicago students will be allowed to live in coed dorm *rooms*.  Hang on.  Where’s that application?  (SFX: Paper crumpling.)   Honey?   I’ve been thinking.  Yale’s a better choice. 

V2:
University of Chicago now has coed dorm *rooms*, saying some transgender students are uncomfortable rooming with students of the same biological sex.  Understandable.  I would’ve been more comfortable rooming with girls in college. WAAAY more comfortable.
(SFX, Yello, “Ohhhhhhh, Yeah.”) 

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The Tribune company will sell the Chicago Cubs and Wrigley Field to Tom Ricketts for about nine hundred million dollars.  The final hurdle was that Ricketts had to promise *not* to preserve *any* of the character and traditions of that hundred-year slopfest.

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During President Obama’s visit, he and Russian leaders have agreed to fight terrorism, stop drug trafficking, and cut stocks of nuclear weapons. So it doesn’t look like the Russians will be movie villains again anytime soon. GOD, Russians were the *best* bad guys, weren’t they?

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New York Congressman Peter King is upset about Michael Jackson: “He was a pervert, (edit) he was a pedophile. And to be giving this much coverage to him (edit) what does it say about us as a country?” Let’s see what it says: Love celebrities, check. Love scandal, check. Forgiving, check. No surprises. How long have you lived in America, Peter?

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(SFX pairing: Carny music and “Step right up, step right up!”)

Researchers are using public records, including Facebook, to correctly predict the first five digits of people’s Social Security numbers forty-four percent of the time.  Try it! If they guess wrong, you win a stuffed Spongebob.  If they guess right, it only costs you one thin dime, plus your credit rating.

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A new study by the National Acadamy of Sciences suggests setting a cap on the greenhouse gases each *person* could emit in order to limit global emissions.  In response, let me just emit a little of my own greenhouse gas in their general direction.

(Alt punch, after “limit global emissions”: “Ban fossil fuels, take my SUV, but you will have to pry black bean dip from my cold dead fingers.”)

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In economic news, the NBA announced it will *lower* its salary cap for 2010, sending luxury car and paternity suit stocks tumbling sharply.

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Pope Benedict told bishops that the Catholic church has to learn to use the Internet properly.  This came after the Pontiff inadvertently brought a plague of spyware upon the Vatican when verily he opened an attachment sent unto him by someone he didn’t know.

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A scary new report says federal investigators trying to sneak bombs past federal security into federal buildings were a perfect ten for ten.  What’s it say about our government that any time you hear the word “federal” three times in one sentence, you *know* the story’s going to be about really spectacular incompetence?

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In one case, the GAO report says, a guard was caught using government computers to manage a for-profit adult Web site while on duty.  Okay, he can stay.  That guy’s got some cojones.  The rest of you: fired.

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“The governor’s not against fruits of any kind.”  So said a spokesman for Governor Schwartzenegger, yesterday.  Thanks for clarifying your position on gay marriage.  Can we get back to the budget deficit now, please?

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Israel is rumored to be considering waging cyberwarfare on Iran, rather than the tradional bomb and plane kind.   And you thought all that time your kid spent playing World of Warcraft was wasted.

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V2, delightful to me but possibly more obscure than you want to go:

“Israel is rumored to be considering waging cyberwarfare on Iran, rather than the tradional kind. The concern, of course, is that the elaborate plan will be thwarted if anyone isn’t paying attention at the rigth time”  (SFX: LeeeeeeROY Jenkins!)

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Saudi Arabia’s religious police plan to step up their anti-vice patrols this summer, especially of outdoor gatherings for public entertainment.  I thought Taste of Chicago has a lot of rules.  Taste of Sharia sounds a lot worse.

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More than thirty million people tuned in to coverage of Michael Jackson’s memorial service, making it the second most-watched funeral ever, behind only Princess Diana’s.  And I for one an OUTRAGED that their princess beat our princess.

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The death of Steve McNair has been classed as a murder-suicide.  McNair was shot twice in the head and twice in the chest; his girlfriend was shot once in her right temple.  *sigh*  The old forty-one deucer nutjob girl right, from the shotgun, on two. Very sad.

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The IMF pulled more numbers out of its butt yesterday and said that the global economic rebound next year will be stronger than it forecast in April.  The next magic eight ball reading from the IMF will come in September.  In other words, Ask Again Later.

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And finally, a New Jersey man fell into a vat of melted chocolate and died yesterday.  The man was one of four workers on a platform above the vat when he fell in.  There was no sign of foul play, but police *are* seeking three Oompa-Loompas for questioning.

(Music: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qw0zZttfUaw )

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El Nino is back.  Scientists say that the warm Pacific current, which can  affect weather around the world, has returned.  So get ready for a long, hard winter of coworkers making dumb El Nino jokes.

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Oscar Mayer has died at ninety-five.   In accordance with his wishes, the Wienermobile will not appear at his funeral.  He will instead be cremated over natural hardwood charcoal, and laid to rest on a soft white bun.

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A new study says drastically cutting calories prolongs life. A chemical in red wine offers the same benefit, but only if you drink more than a hundred bottles a day. Tough choice.  I’m not sure how long I’ll live, but what the hell. Corkscrew, please.

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To keep junk food out of schools, the U.S. Agriculture Department could be given the power to regulate *all* food sold in schools, including vending machine snacks.  All right, the nanny state just went a little too far.  Give me Funyons or give me death!

(No Fritos, no peace?)

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As if things weren’t going well enough for California, scientists report a spike in tremors in the San Andreas Fault.  Not to worry, though, I’m pretty sure it’s just Frank Sinatra, listening to people call Michael Jackson the greatest singer ever and spinning in his grave.

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Warren Buffet is cautiously backing the idea of a second stimulus bill, saying the first one “was sort of like taking half a tablet of Viagra and having also a bunch of candy mixed in.” Isn’t that what Michael Jackson’s doctor prescribed?

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House Speaker Nancy Pelosi stopped a resolution honoring Michael Jackson, drawing outrage from the Congressional Black and/or White Freakshow Caucus.

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According to a daily tracking poll, 30% of Americans “strongly approve” of the way Barack Obama is performing as president, while 38% “strongly disapprove.”  So don’t feel bad about *your* mortgage. Barack is upside-down* with the whole *country*.

*Or “underwater”, as you wish. 

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Officials are planning to announce the launch of “the new GM” this morning.  Once the court approves the sale of the automaker, the “new GM” is expected to celebrate for ten minutes and then immediately file for bankruptcy.

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An attorney for Senator John Ensign says the senator’s parents gave his mistress nearly $100,000. He says the money wasn’t campaign funds, and that Ensign has complied with all applicable laws and Senate ethics rules. Oh, fine then. No rules broken. I’m sure this’ll blow right over.

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Microsoft’s CEO says that very soon, computers will be able to intuit what you’re trying to find online. I know what I want to find on line.  I just want to know that my PC won’t rat me out for it.

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In Michael Moore’s newest documentary, “Capitalism: A Love Story.” Moore tackles what he sees as the origins of the global recession, America’s love of the free market.  Somehow I think the free market’s going to have the last laugh here.

CBC Radio’s “Ideas” series, which is available via iTunes and which I recommend highly, this week presented a debate on whether foreign aid to Africa does more harm than good. As I admire self-awareness above most other traits, Stephen Lewis delighted me:

“Africa’s share of FDI* is now one percent, and it’s not for lack of trying. The countries are too small, the regional groupings ineffectual, the sense of risk overwhelming. Dambisa Moyo** says trade is the answer. Who can disagree? But the DOHA trade round is in collapse, and there’s not the slightest sign that either the United States or Europe is prepared to relinquish agricultural subsidies in order to give African agriculture a chance to export. These are grand designs, but they don’t work in practice. I’m a socialist! I’m an expert in grand designs that don’t work in practice!”

* Foreign direct investment

* * The debate opponent