“Let’s Get It On”
A survey of eighteen hundred people in six countries revealed – no pun intended – that fifteen percent of drivers say they have had sex or performed sexual acts while driving. Wonder how many of those drivers were, uh, not eligible to use the carpool lane.
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Three Stooges theme
Efforts – and I use that term loosely – to contain America’s worst oil spill ever hit a snag – a-gain – yesterday day when – get this – the saw got stuck. The project leader said (AUDIO: “Nyuk nyuk nyuk”) before being called (AUDIO: “Oh, wiseguy, huh?”) by a BP executive, just before President Obama grabbed both their noses with pliers.
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New York state delayed payment on two and a half billion dollars of bills, and the state’s cash crunch is only expected to get worse. You know, New York, New Jersey has…certain businessmen that’ve been known to lend money in times of need. Just don’t be late paying. You got a nice state there. Be a shame something happened to it.
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“Get A Job”
More than two thousand people have filed to run for Congress in the midterm elections; the highest number in at least thirty-five years. Analysts suggest the surge is motivated by discontent, but I say it’s about the unemployment rate. People need jobs. Being in Congress is light work for pretty good pay, and you obviously don’t have to be that bright.
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At least twelve are dead and more than two dozen injured after a taxi driver in England went on a shooting rampage yesterday. I am sympathetic to the victims and their families, and so should you be; but I am also here to tell you that you’re not a bad person if your first reaction to this story was “I say. Are you talking to me?” Mine too.
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“We’ll Meet Again”
According to the New York Times, the US government has rejected the option of trying to seal the leaking wellhead in the Gulf of Mexico with a small nuclear weapon. Really? A GOOD decision? Huh. Well, as my nana used to say, even a blind corrupt oblivious profit-driven uncaring incompetent squirrel finds a nut once in a while.
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“Entry of the Gladiators” or “See See Rider”
Speaking of squirrels, former Rod Blagojevich is officially on trial. He pled not guilty to twenty four counts, including racketeering and attempted extortion, and he faces up to four hundred fifteen years in prison if convicted. Rod entered the court to “See See Rider”, wearing a white silk jumpsuit with an American flag made of sequins on the back. Okay not really. But would you have been surprised?
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“Take Me Out To The Ball Game”
A Minnesota teen had a testicle amputated after being punched in the groin during a game called “sack tapping.” And he’s not the only one. A Brainerd urologist performs three to four surgeries a year as a result of “sack tapping.” Quote the doctor: “It’s not a game anymore. People get hurt.” So listen to Uncle Roe, kids: Take your ball and go home.
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“Alphabet Song”
And F-I-N-A-L-L-Y, the 83rd National Spelling Bee is underway in W-A-S-H-I-N-G-T-O-N, in which slightly P-E-C-U-L-I-A-R children C-O-M-P-E-T-E with each other to see who can need the most P-S-Y-C-H-O-T-H-E-R-A-P-Y by the age of twenty-two. And now you’ve heard it A-L-L people. I’m R-O-E-C-O-N-N, and this has been the R-O-E R-E-P-O-R-T.
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“Happy Trails”
Helen Thomas has officially “resigned” (those air quotes should be audible, please) after this now-legendary, and legendarily deranged, appearance on YouTube. (AUDIO) I hope for her last day somebody brought bagels. Er, doughnuts.
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“Let’s Get It On”
Apple has unveiled the latest iPhone. The iPhone 4 features an improved camera, a new screen, and the ability to conduct one-on-one video chats. The video chat app is called Face Time, but somehow I don’t think “Faces” are going to be the body part most people will be pointing this app at.
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“Over There”
Analysts say President Obama is about to increase U.S. debt to a level exceeding our GDP, a big step toward the kind of “debt super cycle”. Long story short: That’s not good. The total amount owed will pass the total amount created sometime in 2012. So, all you voters who wanted a more sophisticated, European-style government…thanks.
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“Crazy”
A new study published in the journal “Pediatrics” showed that children raised by lesbians score higher than kids in straight families on some measures of self-esteem, do better academically, and are less likely to have behavioral problems. I’ve never been so shocked in my life. It took me thirty years of therapy to deal with having just the ONE mother.
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“Ladies Night”
Will 2010 be the Year of the Mama Grizzly? Republican women dominated primaries this week in California, Nevada, and South carolina. The demographic domination is such that, come November, as many as six new Senators could be Republican women. Mmmm….dominant Republican women…(whipcrack)…what, sorry, got distracted. Okay, ready to tape?
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California Republican voters have chosen Meg Whitman to try to unseat longtime incumbent Barbara Boxer. Roe Report analysts expect Whitman, the former CEO of eBay, to watch the campaign very, very closely until November, ultimately revealing the details of her bid with three seconds left in the election.
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“Shaft”
Financial industry analysts say politicians responding to the global financial crisis need to avoid being overly harsh when making new rules, claiming too many restrictions will hurt the global economy. Great. Wall Street is advising Washington how to regulate Wall Street. And we know what that means for Main Street. (“SHAFT! You damn right.”)
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“Movin’ Out”
A new study found a 24-percent drop in heart attacks over the 10-year period from 1999 through 2008. Seems like good news, but I wonder what happens if you extend that out through March 2009. A Dow Jones at sixty-six hundred was worth at least three heart attacks for me alone.
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“La Donna e Mobile”
California’s Republican Senate candidate, Carly Fiorina, has learned a little something about open microphones. Of her opponent, Sen. Barbara Boxer, Fiorina was caught saying: ‘God, what is that hair?’” And really, what can you expect when you let chicks run for higher offi (whack) OW!
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“Chelsea Dagger”
The Chicago Blackhawks have brought the Stanley Cup back to Chicago, and city officials say today’s victory parade could be attended by as many as three hundred and fifty thousand people. That’s a darn big bandwagon.
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The US fought England to a 1-1 draw in World Cup action, after England’s keeper, Robert Green, allowed Clint Dempsey’s shot to leak past him and dribble into the Gulf. I mean goal. Is it just me or are the English having trouble stopping things these days?
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“Someday We’ll All Be Free”
A new study shows divorce is contagious within social networks: Not only can your split influence your friends to get divorced, but it can also influence *their* friends. Reasons for the contagion included the social acceptance of splitting up and the opportunity to see the pros and cons of divorce from afar. Basically, life is high school with lawyers.
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“Tough Enough”
On the morning of his address to the nation on the Gulf disaster, 71% of Americans say the President hasn’t been “tough enough” with BP on the oil spill. Look, I’m not happy either, but you can only yell so much. What do you want him to do, bring the BP CEO to the address and kick his ass in the Oval Office…actually, that’d be *awesome*.
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Pick some Kurupt
And finally, a real estate website listed the residence at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW as “For Sale” this weekend, a steal at just ten million dollars. Okay, this is obviously an error. If the White House was for sale, it would be priced in yuan.
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President Obama is urging lawmakers to approve almost fifty billion dollars in new aid to local governments, claiming the money is necessary to avoid layoffs of teachers, police and firefighters. But House *Majority* Leader Steny Hoyer says Congress has quote “spending fatigue”. A *Democrat* says Congress is tired of spending money? (SFX: KLAXON)
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(Vuvuzela hum)
(LOUD, over horns) WORLD CUP ORGANIZERS ARE CONSIDERING BANNING VUVUZELAS, THE PLASTIC HORNS THAT ARE RUINING THE MATCHES. PLAYERS, FANS, BROADCASTERS, AND VIE…EXCUSE ME (SFX: *CRUNCH*) and viewers have complained about the incessant droning of the instruments during play.
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“Paparazzi”
(Audio: “Who are you! Who are you!”) That’s Democratic Congressman Bob Etheridge, caught on video grabbing a camera-wielding student by the neck. Etheridge has since apologized for what some are calling an “assault”. I can understand his confusion, though. He really wasn’t famous enough to attract photographers and journalists…but he is noooooow…
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“The Price Is Right”
President Obama has announced the creation of a twenty-billion-dollar fund that will – excuse me, *is supposed to* – be used to compensate economic victims of the Gulf disaster: “If you or your business has suffered economic loss as a result of this spill, you will be able to file a claim.” First in line to file for aid? BP.
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“One Bourbon One Scotch One Beer”
The latest quote “female Viagra” failed to boost female sex drives in two separate studies, though users did report side effects like dizziness and fainting. You know, if you’re willing to tolerate a little dizziness and loss of consciousness to improve a woman’s interest in sex…
…there’s already something that’s been doing that successfully for four thousand years.
…we used to give them something for that in college. OH COME ON! I MEANT VODKA!
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“Oops I Did It Again”
(And finally,)
Activists are telling Congress that, because obscenity laws are insufficiently enforced, pornography has quote “flooded and polluted” the Internet. They claim seventy percent of children have “accidentally” accessed porn on the Internet. I can’t speak for the kids, but one hundred percent of radio talk show hosts polled “accidentally” access internet porn at least a few times a week. (SFX, keyboard) (deadpan) Yikes, there’s some now.
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What’d *you* do this weekend? If you’re a broken oil well, you kept bubbling crude. If you’re the CEO of BP, you went to watch your luxury yacht race in England. If you’re the President, you caught a ballgame with the fam and then played eighteen with Joe Biden. If you’re a Gulf shorebird, there’s a good chance you died. And if you’re a person who watched all this on TV, you just got really, really pissed.
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Tonight, a special two-hour edition of “Larry King Live” will serve as a celebrity telethon to benefit victims of the Gulf oil spill. In lieu of a punchline, let me just read the guest list: Justin Bieber (rimshot) Ted Danson (rimshot) Cameron Diaz (rimshot, chuckles) Randy Jackson (rimshot) Ryan Seacrest (rimshot, crowd murmur) Sting (rimshot, big laughter) and of course, Larry King himself (rimshot, laughter, applause). (brightly) Well, that oughta help.
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(dry)
Hi, this is Roe. I’d like to apologize for today’s final punchline. Totally irresistible though.
*ahem*
(music)
And finally, after an equipment malfunction led to undercooked meatballs, the Campbell Soup company is recalling 15 million pounds of Spaghetti-Os. Of the economic impact on Campbell’s, Roe Report analysts said…*sigh*…(Audio: “Uh-oh, Spaghetti-O’s!”)
Again, you people, I apologize.